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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put ds back in nappies against advice?

102 replies

Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 15:22

If you say to DS (3 and 1/4) to come for a wee, he always does. And he seems able to hold on between wees. As long as you’re fairly regular with taking him to the toilet.

Without this, he doesn’t go independently and he is still pooing his pants.

I am finding it very stressful, the laundry is awful. I spoke to HV who said not to put him back in nappies but AIBU to think it’s just not working?

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 14/01/2024 16:06

OP if you read Cribsheet, the average is 6 months if you start later and 9 if you start earlier. DC2 started at 3 and the accidents have slowed right down at 3.5 but still occasionally happen if he's doing something exciting. I would keep going.

I think these things about potty training in a few days just don't work for loads of people.

Too ideas for the poo: with DC1 it helped to add potty time in front of a TV show after a meal. That's a likely time for poo, and an enforced time to sit. DC2 it was watching him like a hawk, and then focusing on keeping him on the potty long enough to be fully empty. You may be running into constipation issues. You could also offer a nappy to poo into.

Penguinfeetteal · 14/01/2024 16:09

Poo goes to pooland app really helped my son who pooed his pants for at least several months. He had some major anxiety about going on the toilet. Eventually we let him have nappies back for poos only. He would ask for one one so had total control. I then said he could have nappy but still had to go in bathroom (so not whilst playing) and then I'd sit encourage him to sit on toilet but with nappy so he learned to poo in the position but wasn't scared off "losing some of him", and I'd rip the sides of the nappy and drop the poo into the toilet so he could see it wasn't scsry. And the final stage was he could have sweets if did poo on toilet. And we did a do a final push of last nappy in the pack so no more poos in nappy or pants only toliet. But it took a couple of months of reassurance, the app and yes going back to nappies but only for him to do his poo in. It isn't always as easy as people make it out. I think the main thing is if he has control and is choosing to poo pants it's working out why.

FrancisSeaton · 14/01/2024 16:10

There's no reason he wouldn't be ready at this age. Keep at it. Reward chart. Sitting on potty half an hour after meals , blowing bubbles or balloons to relax the bowel. Have a look on ERIC for any further advice

Original poster
Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 16:13

Thank you. He doesn’t seem interested in reward charts unfortunately. I do think he may be a bit lazy combined with a bit nervous. He definitely knows when he’s going and that it should go in the toilet. Hard to know what’s best. My main worry is him starting school and not being toilet trained properly but it’s a while off so I should stop stressing.

OP posts:
GooseClues · 14/01/2024 16:20

I made my daughter help with the cleanup and laundry. Never angry or as a punishment but just as natural consequences. It soon clicked for her that it’s much quicker just to use the toilet.

Mumoftwo1312 · 14/01/2024 16:22

Could try buying a special loo seat with him, like in his favourite colour (and unfortunately you'll have to take it out and about with you) - dd didn't need this but I know other families who did this.

Dd loves being able to put the loo seat on all by herself, it's an extra incentive to go to the loo. We don't take it out with us but we do have one next to each loo in our house

Bunny2607 · 14/01/2024 16:22

Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 15:30

He’s never had a poo on the loo 😭 it’s always pants. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to just stay calm and clean up, but he doesn’t seem bothered at all and I know he’d also wet himself if not told to go (he still does have frequent wet accidents but we at least have had some success there.)

I had this with my son although he does have autism. The HV told me to try this story called poo goes to pooland (or similar). Its on youtube if I remember right and there’s also an app you can download with a short story in it. It did help. Mine is still having the odd accident at 8yrs but as i said the autism has a role in that. It took us ages but i would keep trying, i still have to say to my son do you need a poo and prompt him, but pooland definitely helped!

AppropriateAdult · 14/01/2024 16:22

We had exactly the same issue with DS2 when we first tried to train him just after he turned 3 - wees mostly going in the loo but pooing in pants regularly. We went back to nappies for about 6 weeks, tried again and he got it within a few days.

VenhamousSnake · 14/01/2024 16:27

At his age he should be able to get there.

For poos, sit him on a potty for at least 10 mins after each meal. Or keep a diary of what times he is going each day and where, and build a potty routine around those timings. Put the potty where he likes to go, and at first, just get him to poo in the nappy but seated on the potty. Then undo one side, still seated. Then undo the other side. Etc

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/01/2024 16:28

All three of my boys got wees immediately but not poos. They were about the same age.

2 of the three were unreliable until about 5 sorry to tell you, it was very upsetting and exasperating at the time. They just didn't care. They were also wet overnight until about 6/7ish. The other was fine and cracked it a few weeks after wees.

I'm not sure I'd put him in nappies but maybe pullups?

VenhamousSnake · 14/01/2024 16:30

Oh and make sure you and your dh take him in the loo with you - let him see you doing a poo in the loo and that its all fine etc.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/01/2024 16:38

I think you can go back a stage if he isn't getting it, but nappies are a few stages back. I read a book about toilet training and it said the stages are nappies, then naked, then clothes without pants, then pants. Pants can feel safe and too like nappies. So (if you don't have carpets) I'd whack the heating up and take his trousers off, and see if that works. And then try clothes without pants. If that doesn't work then I'd probably try pull ups for a bit but still reminding him and then try again in a few months

Original poster
Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 16:39

I know - that’s if you do Oh Crap, which I don’t like although I know some love it.

OP posts:
throughgrittedteeth · 14/01/2024 16:41

You can use pull ups and just keep reminding him. Then if he has an accident at least his clothes aren't getting messy

Peachyscream · 14/01/2024 16:43

Plain old instant gratification.
a lollipop and a sticker if he does a poo in the loo- search poo songs on YouTube and play that in the bathroom.

WoolyMammoth55 · 14/01/2024 16:45

God OP, I'd go back to nappies if I were you. Why did you start this? Did he ask or show signs of being ready or...?

Mine took 2 days to stop wee accidents and never pooped his pants once (although one turd did miss the potty once and land on the floor! But that was the worst of it.) I've no idea how you've coped so far but I really don't think he's ready - if he were it wouldn't take this long.

The only other thing is that we wore no bottoms when mine was training - he was naked from the waist down. Just stayed in until he'd cracked it.

Since yours is treatin ghis pants like a nappy I'd say keeping him naked would be a good thing to try but obviously this isn't the weather for it...

Original poster
Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 16:46

@throughgrittedteeth - he was actually in pull ups for a while before potty training. But I don’t think it would work. Realistically if he goes back to pull ups we’re pausing toilet training. I’m just very conflicted arggh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 16:46

I know a lot of people like the no pants method but for us it just meant wee and poo on the floor. Not sure if better or worse than pants!

OP posts:
Bubbles254 · 14/01/2024 16:49

My son was the same and at 3.5 was still pooing his pants and just didn't seem bothered about it. We had weeks/months of this. The only thing that worked with him was upping the bribery. We said he could have a present for the first poo on the toilet and over time increased the number of poos required with a reward chart. After a couple of weeks we could withdraw the rewards completely. It was miraculous how quick he could do it with the right reward.

tonyhawks23 · 14/01/2024 17:05

My dd does this,same age,it's awful.read the Eric website,it's useful and reminded me about it being a thing to practice and learn like anything else,it takes time.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/01/2024 17:08

Life's too short for cleaning up shit when a child is clearly not ready to toilet train. Pull ups. Half way between nappies and pants.

MadCattery · 14/01/2024 17:09

Three year olds know more than you would believe and they do understand. My son is 35 now, but we had the same issue when he was two and a half. One day I went into an overly dramatic, exaggerated act. I told him “ oh, I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t! I’m sick! Here’s a bucket with some soap…” took him out back and handed him the bucket and garden hose. Told him to shake the poo out, then rinse the pants in the soapy water and be sure to wash his hands. I went inside and peeked out. He was stunned! But, he did it! And it was the last time he poo’d his pants. When he was three, he crayoned on the refrigerator and was given a soapy sponge, and that didn’t happen again. Give him some of the power. You are not raising a child. You are raising an adult. Teach as you go and let him learn from consequences without punishment. And be sure to tell him what a great job he’s done and what a big boy he is, once he has made a good effort.

jemimafuddleduck · 14/01/2024 17:14

I've just been through this.

Keep going, honestly. They key is that he knows when it's happening - sooner or later he will crack it (although I feel your pain, we had 1 poo in the potty in 7 weeks! Then one day DD just got it, it still took a few weeks to be accident free and even now 4 months down the line we still have the odd accident.

I agree with others - bribery. We started off with sweets / chocolate, which worked for wees but not for poos. So in the end I told her if she did a poo on the potty I would take her to the toy shop and buy her anything she wanted (within reason!!). This still didn't work immediately but I keep reinforcing it / getting excited about it and when she did eventually go, she was super excited to get her toy!

I appreciate bribery is not a great parenting technique but needs must.

Original poster
Averygoodhorserider · 14/01/2024 17:14

DS is obsessed with hoses. That would be an absolutely brilliant treat - no chance! 😆😆

OP posts:
WhatAFoolishFool · 14/01/2024 17:19

This is a common issue. I realised it was because the poo took longer to come, so they were bored. Reading on the loo helped. Although now they spend forever pooping as they sit there with a book for so long!