To put ds back in nappies against advice?

[Averygoodhorserider]

If you say to DS (3 and 1/4) to come for a wee, he always does. And he seems able to hold on between wees. As long as you’re fairly regular with taking him to the toilet.

Without this, he doesn’t go independently and he is still pooing his pants.

I am finding it very stressful, the laundry is awful. I spoke to HV who said not to put him back in nappies but AIBU to think it’s just not working?

Also I did do bare on the bottom half for a few days when they first asked to use the toilet.

Hi OP,
My son has autism and the lack of communication affects our potty training. Because he witholds his poos he can have many many skiddy nappies a day and I just can't have that stinking the place out and dirtying everywhere. So anyway after trying several times of potty training by no underwear or wearing pants my son is potty training (urine) in pull ups but I am really pleased how it is going as we are making steady progress.

My son wakes dry so I stand him at the loo and won't let him have a nappy on until he has had a first wee on the potty or toilet. I stand him there and wait it out. I take him to the toilet regularly and encourage him to try. If he wees in his nappy I tell him he shouldn't be and wee wees go into the toilet. It has been like this for a number of weeks. Just in the last few weeks he has been able to run to the loo if I think he needs to go and I say "go to the toilet" (this level of co-operation with the toilet is a recent thing) and in the last few days he has ran off there himself the odd time.

I am not saying that going back to pull ups is right for you or your child - but if you do go back to pull ups don't abandon training altogether. You can make some progress using pull ups. The first wee if your child wakes up dry is fairly easy to catch as they will always need a wee after a nights sleep. Even if they only go to the toilet on prompting for quite some time it is a good routine for them and better for you and the environment than changing nappies and easier when out and about. If you then have another push on trying pants your child will have used the time in between to practice weeing on command etc.

Did he actually give you any signs of being ready to toilet train?

He's 3.

You need to just take a week off work, stock up, batton down the hatches and crack on with it. My children were were both out of daytime nappies by 18months - one of them is special needs , autistic, and was non verbal at the time. Can't remember the book I followed but it was basically a potty train in a week book. It worked. Stop fannying around!

You have a verbal 3 year old. I honestly think you just need to do it the old fashioned 'get it done' way. Don't worry about nights - he can wear a nappy and you can lift him for a wee at about 11pm. Some kids will just pick it up as you go along but I genuinely believe most kids would benefit from getting it sorted and done in a week. Bit like learning to drive - as many lessons as you can afford close together, not one lesson here, one lesson there. You're making this hard for yourself and for him imo.

Pull ups?

Everyone has such strong opinions about this, I'm not convinced there's much evidence base for any of it!
With our 2nd we completely ignored all the advice, she took her nappy off when she came in and went bottomless at home for about 18months, and we just used nappies when out and about. When she wore trousers with no nappy, she would wee in the trousers so it was clear she wasn't really ready. Then from around the age of 3 she stopped nappies when out but used them for poos for another year or so. No stress, she got there when she was ready.

No one has the age they were potty trained on their cv! Just do whatever you feel best. Just go back to pull ups for a few months until summer and back off if you all need a break.

Thanks @brightyellowflower but it just doesn’t work. I’m not saying it doesn’t work full stop - it’s obviously very successful for some but unfortunately it hasn’t been effective here. (By the way this isn’t personal to you but I hate it when people answer a post by saying how old your child is! I know he’s 3 - it would be helpful if you explained what about his age is significant.)

My dd poos like 8 times a day it's really rubbish.shes got surgery stuff going on though.Eric website. Also we have these soft pants that contain,like reusable pull-ups you could use them,bambini maybe?feel like pants but contain like reusable nappies or Eric says put a cloth like pants feel into the pull ups so effectively feels like pants but contains like pull ups. Just tried poo app recommended here to keep her on the loo long enough,she struggles to sit long enough! It's no fun but do remember with all these conflicting advices,every child is different.my eldest struggled,my middle one was quick and now my youngest is really struggling with it but has ongoing surgery issues down there so expected but still a pressure with school looming! summer would be the time to go to Eric stage 3 I think,practice till then,in pull ups or reusable pant pull ups.it will be a past memory in time dont worry.

He's three so presumably unless he has developmental delays, he understands some action and consequence.

I'd take the absolute piss tidying him up afterwards. Make it take so long that pooing on a toilet is preferable. Get him involved too, he wipes himself down (even if this is after your first initial clean up).

Add in some bribery. What does he desire most? Promise that for the first poo then again for two, then three etc. The need for the reward will decrease.

Plus I'd also be a bit more disappointed (not cross) with the pooing/weeing in pants. You need to show some displeasure so he realises he shouldn't be doing it. You can do this without generating shame.

I mean I’m not sure what you think we’ve been doing tbh @brightyellowflower . For some you can’t just get it done because they either can’t or won’t - jury is out as to which. He’s been in pants since November time so it’s just not working 😩😩😩

Man I wish people would stop saying he’s three!

He really doesn’t care re bribes. He seems pleased when you praise him for weeing on the toilet but never instigates it himself.

The point about him being three is that it is the developmental norm to potty train. He's also developmentally at the stage where he does understand some basic action and consequences. If he doesn't you may need to investigate ND.

Have you actually tried bribing him with something big? We brought a £30 bloody hot wheels track thing to get ours into his own bed...it worked!

Yes every child is different from mine nursery put my eldest back in nappies,still weed the bed age 5,my middle so easy I can't remember,she wanted nice pants,my youngest is extremely struggling,same age as yours OP,will not instigate toilet trip etc etc,every child is different and prioritses their learning,my eldest was a whizz at reading,they are all different.lots of children dont learn at this age,people just think it should be done quick cos that's their experience.use the eric website its helped me.

Herc - he’s in pants. He’s being prompted to go to the toilet. He is still wetting and soiling himself. I’m doing my best 🤷

Well he’s not a whizz at reading either 🤣

It's also winter,I'd take the pressure off yourself,keep seeing it as practice but don't expect perfect pant skills till summer when you can put them in the wild.

I bet he's got some whizz skills in something though!

What REALLY motivates him? What are his favourite toys?
We've jsut been through the process with my DGS.. he sort of got the weeing but pooing, nope ( and he didn't have a regular pattern, just a frequent one!)
After a couple of weeks of poos being held back for nappies...so we knew he could feel it as he was holding onto it.. we went for BIG bribes. I bought a pack of 30 cheap toy cars from Amazon... showed him with a casual' when you poo in the potty you can choose a car' and left it at that.
Two days later.. (bare bottom in the house) he literally took himself to the potty and then announced he'd done a poo... and got to choose a car. We honoured the car per poo til we ran out and then downgraded to chocolate buttons as by then he was happily pooing in the potty.
He was 2.5 when we started but could clearly understand the incentive..it just had to be a big enough incentive for him! (We still offer a cholocate button or two) He's a super active and very stubborn toddler so we had to make it worth his while!
I'd be reluctant to go back into nappies or pullups unless you are both getting distressed. He WILL get there in the end :)

Honestly, I can’t think of anything that would motivate him particularly 😩

Don’t worry op. I on the other hand don’t know any kid who was out of nappies by 18 months. Some kids just get it later. I totally understand you. We can’t make them tell us when they need to go, we can’t all just take weeks off work like that etc…

I did.
And then one day he wanted to take them off again because his friend wasnt in them, and completely had the hang of it from that point on.
I really think most NT kids will just do it when they want to. All the potty training advice I got just seemed not necessary.. both my kids just got the hang of it in their own time and came out of nappies when actually ready. If they were constantly soiling themselves I just put them back in nappies coz clearly they weren't ready. Both pretty much completey dry day and night by 3.5 with only the very occasional accident. My daughter I never even had to put back in nappies because I just waited until she was asking to come out of them.

@MariaVT65 most children I know were between 2.5 and 3. With girls earlier. I do have a younger child who is a girl so it will be interesting to see if she gets it a bit faster.

I had no excuse but DD wasn't keen and it just didn't work. We went back to pull ups, waited 4/5 months and tried again when she was nearly 4. If you think it would be easier to go back to nappies/pull ups, do it. I'd suggest you keep going with taking him to the toilet etc.
Who cares if he's 3; you think he's not ready, trust your gut and do what works for you and your family. No shame in it at all.

I know you're doing your best, and I've read your posts.

I still stand by finding something, ask him if you need to, and follow the rest of the steps. It needs to become a ballache for him to soil himself.

OTOH you go back to pull ups for a couple of months and then try again.

Only you can decide. You may think waiting til April and better weather is easier for you with washing. It's not an easy decision at all and I don't envy you. The relentless washing is painful.

I think it's totally fine to go back to nappies for a bit if you need a break. They can't unlearn what they have learned. Potty training is hideously stressful and you can't make the child do it if they don't want to.

I would probably try extreme bribery but take the stress off by going to either pull ups or reusable training pants. Then get some fairly decent new toys or bags of sweets or whatever he would like, put them somewhere high but in sight then say that he can have one when he does a poo or wee in the toilet. Explain that you aren't going to ask him or remind him but he can ask for help if he wants. Then leave him to it. See how things go for 2 or 3 weeks.