Are affairs super common?

[User5512]

Every other joke is about 🙄 affairs! Are affairs that common? I thought something like this would be scandalous in my friendship circles, but I heard the other day about a someone I know breaking up with her good friend as she developed feelings for the husband 😳They are 40 ffs !!

So I should have gone through all that, lost my job, family, friends, my freedom, my marriage but most of all my REALITY, but I shouldn’t have let it destroy me?? I should have just shrugged off being effectively locked in a house on my own for five years? Affairs are not just about sex. It’s all the shit that goes on alongside it. Cheating arseholes and their APs conveniently ignore that. “She mustn’t be having sex with him” Bollocks! “She neglects him” Bollocks! “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” Bollocks! “I’m sure she knows but she’s happy to turn a blind eye” Complete bollocks!

You can cause devastation on this level and then blame the victim because we “shouldn’t” be so badly affected by our abuse? That’s utterly sickening.

How do you normalise that or discuss it in a relationship? Very hard. So people cheat

is it harder than lying, manipulating, gaslighting?

I do think it’s often unrealistic to expect the other partner to be ok with a sexless relationship but certainly if that

No but people don’t go into it expecting to be caught out, everyone thinks they will be the one for who it’s a quick casual fling with no one none the wiser

was what my partner wanted I would be able to say that doesn’t work for me.

No but people don’t go into it expecting to be caught out, everyone thinks they will be the one for who it’s a quick casual fling with no one none the wiser

Thats not true though, some people are prolific cheats &/or carry on for years.

Genuinely don’t understand how so many people have the time or energy, to be honest.

I feel like I’m treading water just to maintain my marriage on top of the eleventy billion other things going on. Let alone adding someone else into the mix.

@SmellyKat10 thats what I don’t get, where do they find the headspace if they have a busy life. I barely have any time alone what with family, friends, extended family, work, etc. I’m only having a lie in because one of the dc has been vomiting in the early hours.

I think this is what people forget.

I think a lot of people could get past the having sex with someone else. Or certainly wouldn’t be quite a devastated if it was a one night stand.

The worse thing about affairs, is the behaviour that goes with it. The lying, manipulating, the putting so much emotional energy into someone else, often there’s gas lighting. All from someone who you should be able to trust more than anyone in the world.

I fully believe that most affairs usually involve emotional abuse of the partner that’s in the dark.

Thats what’s devastating. Not the act of having sex with someone else.

Same. I am not even married but a relationship with someone I don’t live with is more than enough. Genuinely couldn’t entertain 2 men, even casually, work, my kids, my own friends and hobbies and have down time.

Far to much effort needed

Thats what’s devastating. Not the act of having sex with someone else.

agree

although of course I do see women who have had affairs, it’s more rare that is the reason for the breakup.

Or it's more rare that women get caught 😏

I think if you are in a sexless marriage and your OH has an affair you shouldn't be surprised.

Not known of any in our large circle of family and friends, the majority are happily married. Why have an affair, work at your marriage instead

@Ameliasdragon Get your own man then! One who is single and not betraying a woman he made vows to! Or haven't you been able to? Do you not care about the pain you are complicit in inflicting on that woman, if she knows ( because if she does, it's highly unlikely she doesn't give a toss!) or if she's in the dark now but finds out one day? I suspect you don't because it's all about you and your life being full and fulfilling, isn't it? Never mind her nor anyone else! Monstrous selfishness in other words!

Absolutely this! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 When it all came out, the having sex with loads other women was literally bottom of the list of things I was angry about. I did struggle to understand why, because we were having sex daily, but that’s a ‘him’ problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And i did feel icky knowing he’d had his dick in someone and then he’d immediately come home and have sex with me. I’d rather he’d just told me and I could have said “Go on, fill your boots” if it could have prevented the devastation that came along with it. Ideally though, he’d just have left. I think if you’re at that point, why not just leave the marriage? It’s just because they want their cake and eat it.

I think if you are in a sexless marriage and your OH has an affair you shouldn't be surprised.

So if for example a woman has a reduced sex drive for a while due to any number of life events (menopause, childbirth, health issues, bereavement, to name a few) she “shouldn’t be surprised” if her partner fails to communicate with her about it and cheats on her instead? Riiiiiiight 🙄

@Blubbled There’s always at least one poster on these threads who claims to be a mistress with a “full and happy” life having “great sex”. It’s inevitably rather cringe-inducing as their self-worth can’t be up to much if they’re willing to be someone’s bit on the side... I suspect they’re trying to convince themselves more than anything else. Grim.

I've always noticed it's usually the ones bragging about their lives on social media, about how much they love their oh and how great their marriage is etc.. they're usually the ones cheating on each other. It's like they've got something to prove.

Or it's like they don't know how to be discreet.

In my experience of my most recent company, yes. CEO and the head of HR were at it (together). That set the scene really. Loads of drama and grim behaviour. Was a massive distraction. Rife in the property industry it seems.

All the affairs I’ve known of were in the workplace. I know of none involving family or friends.

Theyre very common and always have been.

Right... for some people men and women, sex is very important.

I remember reading many years ago in a problem page about a woman who was very upset when her DH brought home a sex education video and suggested they watched it together. The agony aunt told her she should be grateful that her DH had made the effort to spice up their sex life rather than looking for sex elsewhere.