Are affairs super common?

[User5512]

Every other joke is about 🙄 affairs! Are affairs that common? I thought something like this would be scandalous in my friendship circles, but I heard the other day about a someone I know breaking up with her good friend as she developed feelings for the husband 😳They are 40 ffs !!

But it shouldn't destroy the betrayed person, if they accepted affairs happen all the time it would be less of a surprise, people become a victim of their own unrealistic expectations.

That’s such a cop out.

Surly the think is ‘Let it be someone else then’?

And how is that better for OW? You are basically saying the OW is the equivalent of a sex doll. The man not in the big slightest where he sticks it. Which might be true but isn’t a defence of an OW.

And why do people think, when it comes to affairs, only one person is to blame?

If a man was mistreating his wife in the street, is it ok to join in. Because if you don’t someone else probably will anyway? Would the person joining in, not hold any blame at all? Because the husband would do it anyway?

Lots of people have affair. And OW/OM should never hold most of the blame. But the whole ‘let’s pretend they hold no responsibility for the impact of their actions’ is weird.

What other situation where 2 people are enthusiastically doing something where another person will (probably) get hurt, do we only place the blame on the one that was closest to the person getting hurt?

Don’t be ridiculous.

Some mine whose entire life shifts because they find out their partner is having an affair, is at fault for being hurt because they should just accept it?

If people want an open relationship, they should be up front. Because that’s what you are saying. Everyone should accept their relationship is open, even if you don’t want it to be.

If people want an open relationship, they should pursue that. But not pretend it’s monogamous when it’s lot. And don’t blame the person who thought it was monogamous, for being hurt by being lied to and manipulated by someone they trusted.

I am a divorce lawyer and obviously see a lot of marriages where there have been affairs. Many more men than women in the opposite sex couples. A common story is the marriage has broken down, H has had a midlife crisis, doesn’t feel like W has been supportive enough or suddenly turned on her, W is devastated and shocked and a few months later an OW comes out the woodwork. The women are more likely to leave men for relationship issues rather than for other people although of course I do see women who have had affairs, it’s more rare that is the reason for the breakup. I see around 50 new clients a year and I’ve been a divorce lawyer for 20 years so a fair amount of statistics to go by!

God this attitude of sex being something which is “done” to women. Sex doll?

Im a willing participant in a sexual relationship with a man who has a wife yes. Good sex, great sex in fact! It isn’t something being done to me, I’m not sat at home mooning over his socials and pics with his wife 🤦‍♀️

@FrancisSeaton I think some are happy with the lack of commitment but some of those have issues with why they are happy with that if that makes sense.

One woman I knew was devastated as she really loved him & thought he would leave. Another has major trust issues now.

Yes they are common and most probably go under the radar or are not spoken about publicly. Its easy for people to start affairs and easy to hide them.

I don't believe humans are meant to be monogomus. I say that as someone who has never cheated. I think it gets harder for people to stay together when we live much longer. 60 years with the same person is not an easy task

Interesting, so were the marriages generally sexless before the affairs?

But it shouldn't destroy the betrayed person, if they accepted affairs happen all the time it would be less of a surprise, people become a victim of their own unrealistic expectations.

That’s a load of crap. Expecting honesty is not an unrealistic expectation.

It's just how realistic is monogamy? Especially if the marriage is sexless.

I agree with you here! Its not an excuse to cheat, but if you stop having sex with your husband without any communication about it then be prepared for him to cheat and your marriage to end.

Exactly.

I don’t think honesty is what is being asked for. Is monogamy realistic after 10, 20, 30 years? Based on a vow made 3 lifetimes ago? You’re completely different people by that point.

I've heard this as well. From a friend who works in child leukemia treatment and they test the child and parents for a compatibility check for bone marrow transplant. He reckons about 10% as well, not that they ever say anything - just that the Dad isn't a match which isn't uncommon even for biological parents, not all match the child for that kind of procedure.

My ex’s affair destroyed me. I was gaslighted and abused for years, and my therapist who specialises in this area told me it was the worst case of coercive control she’d ever encountered. It’s not just sex. It’s the lies, manipulation and mind games that cause the destruction.

I was very suspicious immediately when his affair started. I had no proof, it was just a hunch so I confronted him. He denied it and I started to try and find proof. So he told my Mum that he was really worried about me, that I was having a breakdown and making terrible accusations about him. He said I’d made threats of suicide and I was violent. It was all complete bollocks. My mum believed him, and between him they had me sectioned. I was released after 3 days, as the health professionals believed me, not him. My family, his family and my friends continued to believe I was mental, or that I was just a nasty bitch who was lying about my wonderful husband.

I lost everyone except two of my friends who stuck by me. My relationship with my grown up/teenage kids suffered terribly. I was almost completely isolated, and had no money because I was also being financially abused. Eventually it became easier for me to believe his lies myself. I genuinely believed I was going mad, and with everyone on his side there was no way out. Now and again I’d become suspicious but wouldn’t have dared to air those suspicions in case they put me back in the psychiatric unit.

Five years down the line, the OW came clean and I was vindicated but it took years of therapy for me to rebuild my life. I still trust nobody.

How dare you say that shouldn’t destroy women.

why did I say sex doll?

I replied to a comment that said ‘if it wasn’t her it would be someone else’. People who say that are positioning the OW as live sex dolls.

Thats clearly saying the man doesn’t give a shit where he sticks his dick. He isn’t having an affair because he really loves both women or even genuinely likes the OW.

He is having an affair with whoever would have him. So yes, it’s a real life sex doll. He isn’t bothered, where it comes from. As long as he is getting it.

I didn’t make the comment that men having affairs will have them with anyone willing to. I actually argued that, that sort of comment doesn’t defend OW. And it’s more likely to make OW feel worse about themselves, when they realise the man they are sleeping with doesn’t give a shit. If people think that about the men that are having affairs, then they are saying the men see the women as a hole to stick in.

Not that I see them as sex dolls.

If you have to take people out of context to make your argument, then you know they have a point.

I think that they are far more common than many people, especially women, would like to believe. For many men in particular it is all about opportunity.

They are often family men and might not go out actively looking for an affair (which gives them plausible deniability), but if an opportunity arises then they will take it. Some of them just wait - like those fish that wait in caves for prey to come past! - others will try more actively to create the opportunities, whether that is sending friendly messages to women they meet, getting in touch with female friends, offering help, providing mentoring or even being a shoulder to cry on. I have observed and experienced enough to know that this is a pattern.

On a slightly grim note, I once came home from work early shortly after one of my parents had died. I had been in tears at work so my manager kindly sent me home in the early afternoon. We had two decorators working on our house and one of them we knew quite well from previous work. He was a nice, well-spoken man who did decorating alongside a creative profession, so stood-out amongst other tradesmen. He knew that my parent had just died (we had had to postpone the decorating) and I briefly said why I had come home early. He said that he needed a lift to another site he was working on, a couple of miles away. I was feeling terrible and needed any kind of distraction at that moment so said that I didn't mind driving him over. When we parked outside the other house he was actively trying to persuade me to come in and 'See the lovely wooden floors' in the other house. He asked several times and mentioned a couple of times that no one was home so it would be okay. Not feeling comfortable to go into someone else's house I refused and he eventually got out of the car. Due to this (and also a remark from the other decorator that I overheard), I strongly believe that he had 'form' and was fully intending to take advantage of my vulnerable state to try it on with me while the other house was empty. Whether he would have assaulted me or merely tried to surprise me into consenting, it is impossible to say. He had a partner and two young children at the time.

Alternatively, you just don't know about the affairs they've had.

Half the threads on the relationships board are posting on Mumsnet because they don't feel they can talk to their friends about it.

It's just how realistic is monogamy? Especially if the marriage is sexless.

Im not sure why you are conflating what I said with the above? Can you explain @youngones1

@Menomeno sorry you had a bad experience but I honestly think we would all be better off if we didn't have such unrealistic expectations. Men and women both like sex and having affairs is common, however unfair that may seem. If it happens we shouldn't let it devastate us, life is to short and it's normally a symptom of a problem in the marriage itself.

I don’t think honesty is what is being asked for. Is monogamy realistic after 10, 20, 30 years? Based on a vow made 3 lifetimes ago? You’re completely different people by that point.

Honesty to me is about being realistic, acknowledging that long term relationships take work & people do change & importantly communicating.

I’ve been with DH 18 yrs, luckily we’ve grown together. I’ve had the opportunity to cheat but haven’t & no signs DH has. He’s very hot though so for me the grass isn’t greener!

Totally agree with this!

Remarkably so in one large company I worked for. My eyes were opened.
Amongst my good friends, not.

I think it depends on your circle of friends really.
It’s certainly not the norm amongst my mates, thank god.

I don’t know of any in my personal friendship group so either people are having them and keeping very quiet about them or my friends are just decent people! My workplace is a different matter though and there have definitely been a few there.

There are a lot of practical advantages to monogamy that it works well as the basis for most of society, but at the same time we are psychologically and biologically wired for sex and fun so while most people prefer monogamy for most of the time, occasionally you might want to have a laugh with other people. How do you normalise that or discuss it in a relationship? Very hard. So people cheat