Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just gone upstairs before my in laws came over

124 replies

tobed · 13/01/2024 20:13

We've had a long day with the kids today and I've had a long week at work and wrangling my children.

My little one has been having tantrums all day and I am basically still in my pjs home wear and look like a mess. The house is reasonably clean.

In laws have said they're coming over if the kids are still awake.. I've been really trying to get them into an earlier bed time routine..

In any case, no one replied so they just turned up. I am upstairs and have told my H to tell them I have a headache.

I just don't want to see anyone.

I feel a bit rude but I just can't face it today.

OP posts:
Mrgrinch · 13/01/2024 21:07

You both need to put a stop to this. Turning up at 8pm to visit a baby and a 4yo is ridiculous. Put them to bed. They've had all day to see them.

Pozz · 13/01/2024 21:07

"Sorry you missed the kids, they're in bed. You'll have to come over earlier next time, they'll be sorry they missed you tonight".

Kingoftheroad · 13/01/2024 21:07

my Family just come and go as they please. We’re very close and it’s always been like this. My daughter is the only one with small children and none of us would ever call in to hers after 4pm unless it’s for babysitting.

Let this one go, stay in bed and let your DH put the children down when they leave.

Get your DH to contact them during the week and ask them not to turn up like this again, he can them sort out a time suitable for everyone.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/01/2024 21:07

I despair of all the posts telling you to suck it up. "Woman. Be kind, damn you!". Makes me 😡

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/01/2024 21:09

DillDanding · 13/01/2024 21:03

You’re really rude. Sometimes people turn up when you’d rather they didn’t, but that’s no excuse to hide upstairs.

No she's not. She has every right to hide upstairs when she's not in the mood to face uninvited visitors. It's HER home, HER safe space, and if she cannot relax and do as she pleases in her own home, then something is very wrong.

Original poster
tobed · 13/01/2024 21:09

Kingoftheroad · 13/01/2024 21:07

my Family just come and go as they please. We’re very close and it’s always been like this. My daughter is the only one with small children and none of us would ever call in to hers after 4pm unless it’s for babysitting.

Let this one go, stay in bed and let your DH put the children down when they leave.

Get your DH to contact them during the week and ask them not to turn up like this again, he can them sort out a time suitable for everyone.

Yeah so I don't actually mind the unannounced visits that much. They don't have to ' book it in '. It's just sometimes I don't feel like it.

I've never just stayed upstairs before and said I was ill.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 13/01/2024 21:10

rwalker · 13/01/2024 20:23

Rude to ignore there message to see there grandkids

if you didn’t want them to come you should of said rude to sit upstairs

Rude to come over when there was no response in the first place!

mouseychick · 13/01/2024 21:11

DillDanding · 13/01/2024 21:03

You’re really rude. Sometimes people turn up when you’d rather they didn’t, but that’s no excuse to hide upstairs.

No she's not. If they wanted to see her they would have made sure it was convenient. They didn't so they clearly don't care.

WannabeMathematician · 13/01/2024 21:12

Hooray you don’t have to put the kids to bed! You are feeling ill of course and your husband would want you to rest so he can put the kids to bed do night wakings and get up with them. Even if he had to have a child plonked on top of him in the morning.

Energy and motivation are a finite resource so he should have budgeted accordingly.

LegoDeathTrap · 13/01/2024 21:12

tobed · 13/01/2024 21:06

They do it maybe once every couple of weeks because of work commitments, they say.

They could however, choose to come when they're not working, when I'm alone having dinner with my kids 5 times a week and would actually appreciate the company and a bit of help. But they choose to do it at the weekends, when my H is home.

Show quote history

That’s unsurprising and disappointing at the same time. After this update, I think even stronger that they were the rude ones.

moderationincludingmoderation · 13/01/2024 21:13

YANBU.

  1. Assuming they know the kid's routine, then they are very inconsiderate to come at bed time regularly. As a one off, or an occasional thing, it's ok.
  1. Dropping in unannounced/short notice is also not ok, if you aren't ok with it.

You should have a chat with your DH about what you're both comfortable with, and he should relay it to them.

Original poster
tobed · 13/01/2024 21:13

@mouseychick oh yeah they said they ' are coming over to see the children '.

They don't care about seeing me at all. Haha why would they.

OP posts:
LegoDeathTrap · 13/01/2024 21:14

Have they gone? Are the kids in bed? Did your husband do bedtime? Did you persevere with the headache?

mouseychick · 13/01/2024 21:15

tobed · 13/01/2024 21:13

@mouseychick oh yeah they said they ' are coming over to see the children '.

They don't care about seeing me at all. Haha why would they.

I know the sort. Hope your DH told them where to go

stoptryingtomakefetchhappen · 13/01/2024 21:15

YANBU. I can’t bear the notion of ‘popping over’. Maybe it’s because I don’t live particularly close to family, so it’s never been an issue, but I firmly believe that no one should feel highjacked into doing anything ‘social’ in their own home when there is no planned arrangement, or feel guilty when they say it’s not a good time, they are busy, tired whatever.
Ideally your DH should have texted and said not to come, and in future he should talk to his parents about texting and then waiting for a reply before rocking up.

Editing to add that turning up at bedtime is the absolute worst and really inconsiderate! At least come in the day when everyone is not so tired / grumpy and about to go to bed!

Original poster
tobed · 13/01/2024 21:15

LegoDeathTrap · 13/01/2024 21:14

Have they gone? Are the kids in bed? Did your husband do bedtime? Did you persevere with the headache?

They've gone. The kids were tired. They're in bed now. They were ready for bed when they arrived.

They probably stayed 30 minutes. Oldest fell asleep straight away. Youngest is just dozing off now.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 13/01/2024 21:15

I’d just stay upstairs and get an early night. DH can get the DC to bed if he’s so spineless as to let his parents come over at that time with young DC.

He needs to have a word and knock this on the head.

Snowydaysfaraway · 13/01/2024 21:16

I hope you let dh get them to bed when they are over excited and overtired...

Giveandtaketime · 13/01/2024 21:16

They will probably guess what's happened here so hopefully they will get the messsge and be more considerate of times. I'd make sure my DH had a quiet word with them and let them know they are always welcome but not to suggest a visit at children's bed time.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 13/01/2024 21:18

I think you've done the right thing in making your excuses tonight because you're feeling rough.
Your in-laws need to get some boundaries in place though. It's not on to text as they're getting in the car/locking the door on the way round. Also, after 6pm is too late and unfair to your children, and you both as you need to keep their bedtime routine constant. I'd be having a migraine developing which means DH needs to put them to bed and deal with two grumpy tired children in the morning too. If he doesn't, he isn't going to realise the impact his parents are having, and he won't back you on this.

stoptryingtomakefetchhappen · 13/01/2024 21:21

stoptryingtomakefetchhappen · 13/01/2024 21:15

YANBU. I can’t bear the notion of ‘popping over’. Maybe it’s because I don’t live particularly close to family, so it’s never been an issue, but I firmly believe that no one should feel highjacked into doing anything ‘social’ in their own home when there is no planned arrangement, or feel guilty when they say it’s not a good time, they are busy, tired whatever.
Ideally your DH should have texted and said not to come, and in future he should talk to his parents about texting and then waiting for a reply before rocking up.

Editing to add that turning up at bedtime is the absolute worst and really inconsiderate! At least come in the day when everyone is not so tired / grumpy and about to go to bed!

Edited

Popping over unannounced I should have said!

ttcat37 · 13/01/2024 21:21

I’d have gone down in some proper manky pyjamas and made them feel very uncomfortable. “Oh, we were doing bed time so didn’t see your text”

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2024 21:25

rwalker · 13/01/2024 20:23

Rude to ignore there message to see there grandkids

if you didn’t want them to come you should of said rude to sit upstairs

It's rude for them to just decide to come over at this time of day,

BobbyBiscuits · 13/01/2024 21:26

Text MIL tomorrow morning saying something like 'sorry I missed you yesterday but I was/am unwell. Just wanted to mention we're trying to get the kids into a tighter bedtime routine so we are not having visitors past x time.
Would you like to come round for tea on x day at 1pm instead?'
Let DP know that in future if they come unannounced you will leave it to him and it's a quick hello and sorry we are going to bed/ going out now. (depending on the time they show up).
Turning up randomly and expecting to be entertained at any hour is thoughtless and needs to stop. If it was me I would not answer the door, haha. Maybe that's a bit harsh, but still.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2024 21:27

So, in actual fact, you're not really that bothered?