Moving back - would you?? Big decision

[Newchapterbeckons]

We moved to a tiny hamlet in rural Wiltshire around 15 years ago wanting dc to have a country life. Dh and I grew up in villages in Surrey and lived in London for a few decades before the move here.

We have had a happy life, great friends here. Both sides of the family have missed us over the years, and we tend to struggle to see them often as it’s so far. Both sets of parents are aging rapidly.

Fast forward to today, dc are teens and are really struggling to find things to do here. Many of their friends live miles away (1 hour round trip or longer) so organising anything takes days/weeks. Dc can’t do anything independently as there isn’t even a bus service.

Eldest now at uni and all of his friends are based in London. The time feels like it is fast approaching when he won’t want to come back here at all as it is so boring. I have no idea what to suggest when he is at home. What do other country teens do? He sees a few friends from his old school, goes to the gym and that’s it.

Do we move back? Leave our life here behind? It means dc can meet friends in London, and can work there after uni and remain living at home if they want to. Dh and I will be situated very close to both sides of the family, and we still have childhood friends there. We wfh mostly.

We have built up a great life here and it is a really beautiful place, somewhere people come on holiday, with good friends that I care about but it feels like we have all outgrown it now in so many ways.
In the winter it can be really lonely and depressing. I don’t know what old age would look like here tbh. It’s the only home my youngest has ever known so I don’t want to make a big mistake and move us all, wwyd?

Thank you in advance.

I would move back. Being closer to elderly parents is a huge plus. I was living a long way from mine for a while and it was so stressful, the frequent panic dash down the motorway. We moved closer to them and it was far better for all of us.

I also live very rurally and have teenagers, like you one at uni , and they both find the distances really difficult, the school catchment area is huge and friends often live over an hour’s drive away . They get bored and fed up at home. People often move here with small children to give them a more outdoorsy childhood but it is v boring for older teens.

I wouldn't necessarily move back to London. I'd look for a town with plenty going on, amenities (Drs Dentists etc) good transport links and id consider what living there as a non driver would be like.

Can you afford to move to London even if you wanted to? Prices are astronomical

Thank you for your reply. My father is already very ill and we have had a number of middle of the night hospital calls.
It is comforting to know it’s not just me re rural teens.
I am stressed in the school and uni holidays as they are at a loose end and I am working and can’t drive them every day. There is tension if there is a party etc because I can’t always pick them up.

How do you manage it?

Dc no longer ride, not interested in long walks or outdoor pursuits available here and I feel like a rubbish parent because I don’t know where to start to keep them occupied at this point. It’s difficult for them to work because we live miles from anywhere unless it’s a livery. I have started to dread the holidays, but obv love seeing them.

What about Salisbury or Bath?

No we can’t afford to move back sadly. Our old house is now worth millions ( it’s tiny!) We have been looking at commuter towns close to where we grew up. Dc I hope can just meet their friends in London. It does feel like a high stakes gamble with dc, what if they don’t like it 😬

Future job prospects worry me in this area. Looking at average salaries they are quite low, and neither are studying medicine where you can virtually live anywhere and secure a good job. Ds1 is studying Economics atm. Ds2 is still deciding.

How old is your youngest? If the oldest is at uni, then the youngest must be mid GCSE/A level years?
You could move post GCSEs and to somewhere new for A levels but anything else seems a bit disruptive

Also it's fine and normal for your student age children not to return home for all the holidays. Lots of students stay in their uni towns to work especially if they already have a student job and so can easily pick up more work.

Or they go travelling for the summer if luckier and have money. Or go and work abroad for the summer etc.

I wouldn't move because it would mean your student age sons might come home more often. They still might not come home that often.

Moving because of ageing parents and to prepare well in advance for you getting old makes a lot of sense. You would have many years to build a community and friendships in a place which is easier to live in once driving is more challenging (and the driving becoming a problem often happens very suddenly).

You could look at towns within good rail links to London to give sons options for living there while getting career started. Canterbury? Windsor? Chesham? Towns with all facilities but also countryside around.

Talk to your children.
And consider places with good travelling times to family etc.
Maybe Chichester, Petersfield, Andover, Farnham?

If you love it then you stay. They only have a few years left before they can make their own decisions. We live rurally and my eldest is 18. It’s an hour round trip when she goes out with her friends but that will change when she passes her test. We’re on a farm so moving isn’t an option anyway. I grew up rurally too and while I hated it as a teenager it wasn’t forever. I loved in cities for several years before returning to rural living.

My youngest is 16 so just about to finish his GCSEs, he hates his boys school and may do better in a mixed setting. He is a very gentle, artistic boy and his friends are very sporty and alpha.
He is open to a move and would like to go to galleries and studios - we don’t have anything like that here. So there might be an opening for him to move this summer to a new sixth form. His brother studies in London so he could also spend time there and he will have cousins nearby. I worry about him the most.

DD moved to a large city for Uni and she loves the location short distances to anywhere lots of bus and train services. She’s slotted straight in. No reason for your other children not to do the same.

Kids make friends far easier than adults.

I intend to move once youngest is out of college. She’ll be off to Uni near her sister anyway.

Honestly I'd stay. You've built a home and a network there - that's a lot to risk for a few years of teenagers being able to see friends quicker, especially when they're of an age that they'll likely be moving out and to different places for university / jobs.

If you can help the DC get cars so they can do their own driving that could help with the friend trips!

I love cities in my early 20s but and back loving the rural life at 30, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Most people don't live in amazing exciting places, a DC coming home from uni and seeing friends / going to the gym is quite normal. It's what we all did! They're teenagers, they should be able to entertain themselves or figure things out.

It's a big risk to up sticks and hope to get a new life! Especially with the friendships you have now, you may not make those elsewhere. I've always found country folk to be much friendlier and easier to build relationships with that people in cities.

This is exactly it. Both kids loved it as children. We have a small holding, nothing much but it offered us so much for so many years.

Suddenly everyone is miserable. Ds1 is now a young man and thinks it’s our job to entertain him when he is here or at least drive him everywhere! Ds2 has lots of local friends but it’s a two hour drive to take him to see them. They both complain that there is nothing to do, it can lead to arguments. Ds1 does organise travelling but that’s very expensive, and he can’t easily afford it. There are no jobs here for teens. I feel like I am failing them.

Where do you intend to move to and why?

I’d move. It sounds grim for them.
Not many teens enjoy isolated, rural living.

I have realised from other friends that dc rarely move out these days. Most have to stay at home and save up, so I think they will need to come back home. All of my nieces and nephews have had to remain in the family home long after uni.
We have no jobs here. It’s all agricultural or tourism. I don’t know how they will earn a living here and may have no choice but to live away. We haven’t got the funds to pay for house deposits so this could impact them a lot in the longer term.

Whilst I agree it is friendly and people are kind, it is very remote and old age would be very hard. There are no services available as such. So I worry about our future as well.

Ds1 has failed his test three times!! 😭

I echo what PPs have said about not moving for the sake of teens. They're already grown up or almost there. It won't be long till they'll appreciate having the country retreat to return to, when they're living in a city flat share! And then they'll have their own families and you'll want somewhere that can ideally host grandkids too. I know that probably feels a long way off, but how many relocations do you want to do?

However - your elderly parents are an important consideration.

Would you be able to afford buying a flat closer to London, that you could use as an additional family base there? It could be useful for you, but could also be handy as your kids get established in their early careers. And it could potentially provide an income when not in use. Something to consider?

It would probably be much cheaper to pay for driving lessons for them as each one turned 17 ,then buy a car each as they pass their test .
The whole point of growing up is to leave home , become an adult and see the world ,then go home to parents to visit
Only move if it's what you and your husband want
Kids are grown and gone in the blink of an eye

So many more opportunities for work in London for the youngsters and a great night life x

I think your comment about struggling to imagine old age where you are is quite telling - I don't think you want to imagine it because you already have an inkling that it will be isolated and difficult. So one option is to grasp the nettle and make the move now while you are still young enough to make new friendships and connections, and DS2 can find a new school and some independence. You might also make life easier for DS1 when he finishes uni if London is at all commutable because that's where a lot of first jobs are. That said, I would primarily move for yourself whether it's the desire to be nearer "civilisation ", ageing parents or future proofing - it's a very short time between school and finishing uni (although it doesn't feel like it at the time!) and they will go where the jobs, friendships and relationships take them. Good luck with your decision!

Thank you for all of your replies, it’s really helping me.

This is a great place to live as a healthy youngish person but unimaginable as an older person as everything is so far away and driving is essential. Isolation and remoteness would definitely be an issue. Although I have great friends now and we can rely on each other. There are no guarantees everyone will stay here.

I think I could age here quickly as we don’t have theatre, museums or galleries either. We have rustic pubs but even as a retired healthy able person it might well feel limited. The winters are brutal.

I would definitely move. Although this initially seems to be a question about what is best for your teens, its actually about what is best for you too. You want to be there for aging family members and you want to be somewhere with better infrastructure when you are older - I think it is a no brainer.
The only question is where you would go within reach of London, but that's not a problem because there are loads of options. Go for it and good luck!

It is one of the downsides of living rurally with no buses, teens hate it! I would move to a nearby big city/town so you're still close to your connections/friends etc, but your teens have the option to hop on the bus or train to bigger cities.

I used to live in Buckinghamshire and most towns are VERY well connected. It takes 27 minutes from High Wycombe to London Marylebone for example. It is pretty rural as well if you live on the outskirts of HW or nearby villages such as Penn, Haslemere, Great Missenden, Prestwood, etc