Moving back - would you?? Big decision

[Newchapterbeckons]

We moved to a tiny hamlet in rural Wiltshire around 15 years ago wanting dc to have a country life. Dh and I grew up in villages in Surrey and lived in London for a few decades before the move here.

We have had a happy life, great friends here. Both sides of the family have missed us over the years, and we tend to struggle to see them often as it’s so far. Both sets of parents are aging rapidly.

Fast forward to today, dc are teens and are really struggling to find things to do here. Many of their friends live miles away (1 hour round trip or longer) so organising anything takes days/weeks. Dc can’t do anything independently as there isn’t even a bus service.

Eldest now at uni and all of his friends are based in London. The time feels like it is fast approaching when he won’t want to come back here at all as it is so boring. I have no idea what to suggest when he is at home. What do other country teens do? He sees a few friends from his old school, goes to the gym and that’s it.

Do we move back? Leave our life here behind? It means dc can meet friends in London, and can work there after uni and remain living at home if they want to. Dh and I will be situated very close to both sides of the family, and we still have childhood friends there. We wfh mostly.

We have built up a great life here and it is a really beautiful place, somewhere people come on holiday, with good friends that I care about but it feels like we have all outgrown it now in so many ways.
In the winter it can be really lonely and depressing. I don’t know what old age would look like here tbh. It’s the only home my youngest has ever known so I don’t want to make a big mistake and move us all, wwyd?

Thank you in advance.

I feel more hopeful now that it might be a good move.
We have been so happy here, I guess it will be hard to leave. It’s the nicest place in the world to live in the summer.
But my life needs more than a few months of summer. Teens are going stir crazy and I feel constantly stressed juggling multiple lifts every day. I am honestly exhausted with it. I hate driving because the distances are so far and I am always in the car.

Yes I’d move back

It sounds like the right time to move from what you have said.

I think if you choose to move then it should be for you not your children at their stage in life, particularly your eldest as he might not return to the family home post graduation. My DS used to be a bit like your son in the holidays from university but once he graduated he moved away for a post grad then work and has never moved back. He's a couple of hours away down the A303 (yes I live in Wiltshire).
However, it does sound like you've all had it with the "good life" so a move closer to the action might be a good idea. After living so rurally for that long you might find proper urban living away from Wiltshire a bit too different. How about closer to Bath or Salisbury?

I don’t think it makes sense to think about future job prospects of your children as a factor in this. Your children could end up anywhere in the world.

I would focus on where you personally would feel happier, where you’d prefer to grow old, and any caring responsibilities for your parents.

(But anyway, I would’ve worry about job prospects in Bath, which is also only 10 mins on the train to Bristol!)

I would move.

My Uni DC are back to London all the time, in Uni hols and for weekends, for gigs etc. They can get better holiday jobs here too.

As you get older isolated living has its challenges . You are fit and active now but if you leave it too long to move you could find yourselves unable to get about, one of you left alone, really hard to get to a GP / hospital.

I sometimes think of moving somewhere coastal and / or rural but then I think about keeping close to any grandchildren I might have. London is fairly accessible from so many places, and has good train routes for me to travel to them. All speculative of course but once you have found it’s not ideal it’s later to move.

What would your budget be?

You keep adding reasons that make it sensible to move.

Have a family 'Talk' and thrash out the pros and cons

(After you've maybe shortlisted some places you could afford with good schools)

I would move. I grew up on a farm which was great as a young child. I absolutely hated it as a teenager and had left home permanently at the age of 20.
I promised myself that when I had kids I would live somewhere with something to do, or at least transport links to larger towns/cities!

It sounds like it's a good time to leave if your youngest is up for a change in 6th form. If he was happy and settled I'd delay for 2 years but if not I'd go for it now. You can make a new life somewhere more future proof. You've done what most dream of, moving away, having a country life and now its on to another chapter. Sounds like a good plan now or in 2 years depending on what youngest says.

Can’t they rent in a shared house in a city? That’s what pretty much everyone I know did post uni

That could be just their ages. I remember moaning about being ‘bored’ a lot at those ages. I don’t think you should move for your DCs’ sake but if you yourselves want to move then that’s different.

Remember, very soon your DC will have their own lives. They’ll probably move elsewhere after Uni or might get a job in another city, or meet someone and move with them to a different area.

Are their friends school friends? Why can’t they stay after school and meet up with them? Your DS1 needs telling that, as a young man, he’s too old to need you to run around behind him and lay on entertainment. If you feel bad, could you give him a small amount of money each month so he can better afford trains, etc?

We are rural with younger dc and it's great for them and its a beautiful and special place to live, but as soon as we can, we'll be in the nearest town. We just need more!! I think it's aging too. Being old here would be terrifying! You are lucky your youngest dc is on board. Sounds like college will be great for your ds- mine is much happier in the company of girls.

It was one of the reasons we left a Midlands village — we didn’t move back to London, though, we moved abroad to a city. DS is only 11, but he already has a lot more freedom and leisure options he can make his own way to compared to his friends who stayed in the village and are reliant on parental lifts to the nearest city.

But I hated where we lived before, so every part of me welcomed the move.

I think I am sad because I imagined they would come back from uni and ride at the weekends, run with the dogs, have house parties in the old barn, drink with friends in the pub.

The reality now is they don’t like riding, walking around here gives them PTSD of the lockdown according to them, they barely drink alcohol like many of their friends just not into it, and never would think to organise a party if their lives depended on it. It’s so different to what I thought it would be for them.

I based this idea of teen rural life on other friends teen dds that are eventing or going to pony club meets and seem really happy, but that is a small percentage of them now I can see. The rest are really keen to go and experience something new. Ds1 could stay in his uni town but he says everyone else goes home atm, so he doesn’t want to stay alone.

As for driving the delays are huge for retests and it’s taking forever!!

I think I am scared to take this step but in the long run it could be the best choice.

I think you should consider a move, but more because you have to think of your post kids life and retirement. What might returning less and retiring look like for you ideally? You've got aging parents but you can't actually be near them as you can't afford London. What about being a train line to them...Chippenham, Salisbury, Chichester.... If you want galleries and theatre you need to far enough away from London for the place to have individual arts centres, Oxford, Bristol, Exeter....But they tend to be pricey and don't solve your parental problems. Actually Exeter is not a bad shout, direct trains into London not too bad and lots of regional work opportunities....

I fear they will never ever get on the housing ladder. We aren’t in a position to help them with a deposit each.

Most dc have long commutes home and lots of homework, mid week isn’t easily done now they are preparing for GCSES.

They are at the age where they are fledgling

I suspect that no matter where you lived they would be building to fledge

And that involves disliking where they are now

move somewhere else they may well still have the same unsettled unhappy feeling - even if there are more things to do that they might enjoy

It's also a funny age to make new friends

I think moving for the children is risky ; you can't hang onto them

We live in a very rural area and there is absolutely no way we will move due to dc being late teens. Ds23 is a student in a city and lives coming back, stays longer in his student house and has a pt job there but comes for holidays and weekends. Ds 16 is about to turn 17 and will learn to drive so is independent. They both love the sea and being out doors and elder ds has always known work here would not be career making so he will apply elsewhere but if he needs work he would find some with us. Dh and i love it here and it is our home, dc may end up living anywhere in the world so i am not going to change our life for them now.

The move isn’t entirely altruistic as I broke my arm last summer and it was hell. 6 weeks in plaster and not able to drive on day 1 of the summer holidays.
It was a reminder we are stranded without transport. I can’t imagine what old age looks like, especially if disabled in some way.
Part of my enjoyment of living here was seeing the boys grow up in the trees and mud, an outdoor life felt so simple and enjoyable when the dc finally leave many of my reasons for being here will leave with them. I think an empty nest here is quite a heart breaking situation as this house was made for little children and not just me rattling around with just my memories.

I didn’t have any help either. I rented in London for 10 years before buying a tiny flat on my own and that was in 2021 so not even that long ago. Yes, renting is much more expensive than when I first moved to London but it’s still possible, and there are also plenty of cheaper places in the country they could buy further down the line. It doesn’t have to be London. I don’t think the choices are binary between having parents give you a deposit or staying in the family home, most people I knew rented when they were starting their careers

That happened in my young days too, but I think many/ most are living at home to mid 20s now. It’s not unusual for dc in 30s in the SE. It’s becoming increasingly harder for young people and I am aware of those pressures on them. They may move to Asia but if they stay here I would like to offer them a home if they need it.

I would move.
As you get older your needs will change too.
If you are in the city nearer children it be easy for them to see you. Like it will be easy to see your parents.

Every stage of life is different needs. Great life for young children is the countryside. But needs change.
Moving at your age is a wise move.

Before you get too.old.

It sounds like it’s time to move

But rent for a year so you see if you like it

Don’t move for your DC - they are starting out on their own lives, they only need to be able to come home in emergencies.

If you have great friends in Wiltshire, then I would really look at Bath/Bristol/Salisbury

OR as a PP said Buckinghamshire is good for rural feel well connected to London - I think you want to at least be on the outskirts of a small town though so you aren’t driving everywhere

I’m in my 30s right now! I know it’s harder than it was even 5 or 10 years ago but I don’t personally know anyone my age still living with their parents