Moving back - would you?? Big decision

[Newchapterbeckons]

We moved to a tiny hamlet in rural Wiltshire around 15 years ago wanting dc to have a country life. Dh and I grew up in villages in Surrey and lived in London for a few decades before the move here.

We have had a happy life, great friends here. Both sides of the family have missed us over the years, and we tend to struggle to see them often as it’s so far. Both sets of parents are aging rapidly.

Fast forward to today, dc are teens and are really struggling to find things to do here. Many of their friends live miles away (1 hour round trip or longer) so organising anything takes days/weeks. Dc can’t do anything independently as there isn’t even a bus service.

Eldest now at uni and all of his friends are based in London. The time feels like it is fast approaching when he won’t want to come back here at all as it is so boring. I have no idea what to suggest when he is at home. What do other country teens do? He sees a few friends from his old school, goes to the gym and that’s it.

Do we move back? Leave our life here behind? It means dc can meet friends in London, and can work there after uni and remain living at home if they want to. Dh and I will be situated very close to both sides of the family, and we still have childhood friends there. We wfh mostly.

We have built up a great life here and it is a really beautiful place, somewhere people come on holiday, with good friends that I care about but it feels like we have all outgrown it now in so many ways.
In the winter it can be really lonely and depressing. I don’t know what old age would look like here tbh. It’s the only home my youngest has ever known so I don’t want to make a big mistake and move us all, wwyd?

Thank you in advance.

Move back 100% for your kids, your parents and yourselves.

When issues with parents kick in you don’t want to be miles away it’s too draining.

I’d just be a bit wary of this, you sound a wee bit low at the moment (rattling around with my memories etc) - of course you want to be able to give your kids a bed if they really need it, but this is the life stage where you need to be turning positively to your own future and building that up. You really don’t want to organise your life around being a hotel for your kids they won’t need. As an adult you want your parents to be independent, not saddos wjo live for you

Sounds like you are being quite hard on yourself, it seems like you've given them an idyllic childhood which they will fondly remember and even want for their own children . Its just that life changes and children grow up, I would probably start browsing Rightmove and really honing in on whats possible.

Is there a point when someone is ‘too old’ to move again? In the sense of having the energy to start over. What point would it start to feel much harder. Dh and I are very early fifties, so it feels like might be one of our last moves discounting moving into a retirement home.

Yeah but you are in your 30s, I’m guessing with young kids or planning to have them. That can be a great life stage to be in the country, once you have teens it can be a pain for them and you, once you are facing retirement it can be impractical.

Yes I think there is. Moving at 67 as you retire would be tougher I think. You need a social network in early retirement so that you can be sociable and active until you can't with respect OP you might need to think a bit more about yourself in this next phase. Your want your kids to start adulting. Even if that means living in sorry to say shitty that shares and moving to the arse end of the country. They need separate lives and paths and identities to you. Ones that are grounded in their reality's not hire things were for you at that age. They may always rent, or only buy in their 40's. They are a different generation. Think to your future...

I think you need to pick an area and then see what you can get for what you can afford . That might make your mind up . Look at commuting distance to parents etc . My daughter lives in Bristol btw and all their friends love it . So much cheaper and more to do .

I agree with posters who have said that yr DC will be leaving home in the next few years as well as being of an age when there are more opportunities to make friends eg going to uni. One of your posts implied you were alone in which case you also need to think about how difficult it is to make friends in mid/later life - I have found that many people have long established friendships & aren’t really open to making more friends. Someone I know who moved 200 miles to be near grandkids is (4 years later) still missing the friends where she previously lived for 35 years…

I find it hard to put myself first admittedly.

Don't move for teens or aging parents. Only move if it's right for you and not because you're feeling guilty about the teens and aging parents. Your teens boredom isn't for you fix and you're not your parents carer.

That may sound harsh but you need to remember that both the teens and aging parents situations will change/end.

For the short term, can you afford a flat closer to London? It could be used by all the family until life settles down a bit. Then you don't have to rush into selling your lovely home now.

Could your parents afford to move closer to you? That could solve the carer issues.

I wouldn't do anything as big as a move for teens - they will be gone sooner than you think.

Have a good hard thing about what YOU want. And only make changes that have you at the top of the list. Teens grow up and move away (wherever they grow up) and parents die. That's life.

This is my biggest fear. I have great friends here and lots of them. If we were to go back I would have 5/6 friends that go back decades but not the right group I have now. My biggest hesitation is this element, of course i will still see them, but we won’t grow old together.

What a conundrum. Is DH fully on board with a move? It sounds like both boys are? You would be closer to extended family which would be great.

I agree with you about adult dc moving back home, we have ds aged 27 newly back at home, so many of our friends have 20 somethings living with them, and I have 3 work clleagues in their early 30’s still living with parents. It is really really common.

Can you afford a second home maybe in DCs names closer to London, a bit like a second country home in reverse. They can live/crash there and you can live/crash there when parents need you. I wouldn't want to give up your forever home for a temporary situation. Or rent something if buying is out of the question.

I did this, having put it off for several years. and although i imagine what it would be like to return to the rural idyll we had, i know its a fantasy. For every evening in the garden watching the sun set over the mountains and every autumn morning seeing the mist rising up from the valleys, i think about this:
how cold and draughty we were
how stranded we were (I didn't even drive!)
how the children could never be spontaneous with friends/after school stuff
You need to make your next move based on your needs first, your children are meant to leave home, you need to plan for your own life, and meet somewhere in the middle. You have given your children wonderful memories of a rural childhood.
Good luck!!!

Yes dh is on board thankfully because he has issues with his own parents and rarely having enough time to see them. He also thinks dc will need to move back post uni.

I wish we could 🙏🏻

How was the adjustment? What age were your dc? I feel like we can still appreciate those things when we come back for long weekends to see friends. I hadn’t fully understood when we moved here how much things change in a relatively short period.

OP we have recently moved back from living rurally, to village life much closer to our family. We loved living in the middle of nowhere, and had visions of family coming for regular visits, which sadly didn't turn out to be the case, because it was too far away to visit regularly and they were always busy. Sadly we didn't get the opportunity to move there until our 50's. I was already disabled, but what we didn't bank on was my DH's health going downhill rapidly as he got towards his 60's. We had a lovely home, with fabulous views, and near the sea, but it all became too much for us to manage, and so it was with a heavy heart that we decided to move back closer to family. We could have stayed in the same or a similar area, but realistically, due to our health situations, we knew we needed to be somewhere with easy access to doctors, hospital, etc., and while we can both still drive, had come to realise that life where we were was very isolated, and if we could no longer drive, even with online deliveries for food, shopping, etc. being stuck in the countryside several miles from 'civilisation' wasn't going to work for us as we got older. We dreaded the idea of having neighbours again, as we had had a lot of bad experiences while living town life. However, to our surprise, we actually love it. The family are only about 1/2 hour to an hour's drive, with easy access by public transport if necessary. The GP is just around the corner, shops are easily accessible via my mobility scooter, which proved to be a waste of money while living rurally, as I was scared of going on the country lanes due to the locals driving like maniacs just because they knew the roads, but rarely allowed for anyone coming the other way! We've barely seen our neighbours, and when we have they've been pleasant but not intrusive. I therefore say go for it, while you're young enough to make the move easy. Your kids are likely to appreciate it, your parents will be pleased if you live closer, and it will no doubt make it easier for you when they need you. Make sure that you chose wisely though, because as you get older, (I'm now in my mid 60's), it does get harder, and should you be unlucky like we were, and you or your DH's health suddenly deteriorate, you will be glad that you don't have to worry about moving to somewhere more comfortable in that situation. Do let us know what you decide, and good luck whatever you do.

Reflecting back on what you have written, it seems this is more than just about where you live. This is about you confronting the reality that you and your husband are moving into a different stage of life, where you will play a different role in your children's lives. You want to maintain a family home where your children can stay living with you for another few years, kicking the can of the inevitable empty nest down the road. That's understandable, but you can't predict what your children will choose to do post-university. Continuing to build your life around your children into adulthood creates an unhealthy dynamic where you are reliant on each other and both are denied independence and agency as adults. You have the opportunity now your children have reached almost adulthood to start making choices for yourself and doing what you want, without considering their needs. The fact that you are trying to deny yourself this suggests that perhaps you are so used to building your life around others that you lack confidence in making choices that centre you and your needs as an individual, and as a couple without children.

Ultimately, at this stage of their lives, you do not and should not have to provide your children with a home. Your older son is at university and about to enter the workforce. Your younger son is soon to go off to university. They need to be encouraged to make a life for themselves, and they shouldn't feel obliged to come back and live with/near you if you make the huge sacrifice of leaving the area and people you love for them.

From what you've said, you love the general area where you live and the community of friends you have but the rural isolation of your home is becoming problematic as you and your children age. Is there a happy medium here where you move to your nearest town or large village, somewhere with a train station or a short drive to a train station, so that your sons can get to you easily from London/another city they may choose to work in, while you get to maintain your local friendships, but also have a bit more access to amenities and aren't so car dependent for everything? I don't know exactly where you are in Wiltshire, but moving to somewhere like Devizes/Marlborough/Trowbridge/Chippenham, where you've got shops, restaurants, motorway and rail connections within a reasonable drive, and a bit of life, all while being within a stone's throw of gorgeous countryside and still close by to your established friendship groups, could provide you with what you need at this stage of your life.

My parents did a similar move a few years ago from a large rural property to a market town, and they're so happy with their life now. Everything is easier - for them as well as us, when it comes to visiting - and they're only a short drive from where they used to live, so they can still enjoy their favourite walks whenever they want. It's been a move of half an hour's drive, but in terms of the difference in their lifestyle, it's been a real sea change. So you don't have to move half way across the country and leave everything you know behind to get the lifestyle you want.

What a wonderful post, thank you for sharing your experience. You really have given me so much to think about.
It sounds like you have made an excellent move and opened a chapter which includes much more independence and interaction.

I have some experience in our family of sudden deteriorating health, and it can happen earlier than anyone imagines. I wish you the best in your new home.

I will also say that my parents lived too rurally for me to move home after university, and it was the best thing for me to not have that safety net. I don't think it's healthy for adult children to be living with parents into their late twenties and early thirties - for the children as well as the parents. Yes, I spent a few years really struggling - I never told my parents how hungry and cold I was some weeks where all my money had gone on rent! - but it made me resourceful, hard working, ambitious and very, very savvy with money. I'm now in my late thirties with a mortgage free flat in London, which I worked bloody hard for. If I'd been able to go back home after university, I would not be in this position now.

Which would probably be the same even if they lived closer to their friends?
You mention you’re upset because they don’t want to ride, walk, etc, that’s understandable, but put it out of your head. It’s not important. What’s important is that they mature and do what they want and stay safe, healthy and happy.

After uni, I’d expect young adults to become independent, within a few months if not immediately. This is for their benefit and will help them enormously. Perhaps they’ll be renting in a city but then like coming back to their old family home for downtime.

Again, think what you want to do. Don’t move for your DC at these ages.

I love that part of the world and I do think it's great when you have small children. But whenever I go there and see all the young families that have moved in from London I think it wouldn't work so well when they're teens or when you yourselves are ageing.

I know you're not thinking along those lines but when you get into late middle age/early old age you do think more about wanting shops nearby and good public transport. It might be different if you'd grown up there yourselves and had extended family but otherwise I'd think of moving back.

I would move - but I am a city lover and never understand why people move to the country!

My parents retired to the city I live in and live having shops, restaurants, chemist, bars etc on their doorstep.

my nieces and nephews live in the city too and can both walk to school, and their friends live in the neighbouring streets. My sister doesn’t have to ferry them about. There are good universities in the city if they want.

I was brought up in a big city and I think cities are great for kids. When I hear about people living on a remote Scottish island and the 'idyllic' childhood their kids have, I think how much my kids would hate it. 😁