Moving back - would you?? Big decision

[Newchapterbeckons]

We moved to a tiny hamlet in rural Wiltshire around 15 years ago wanting dc to have a country life. Dh and I grew up in villages in Surrey and lived in London for a few decades before the move here.

We have had a happy life, great friends here. Both sides of the family have missed us over the years, and we tend to struggle to see them often as it’s so far. Both sets of parents are aging rapidly.

Fast forward to today, dc are teens and are really struggling to find things to do here. Many of their friends live miles away (1 hour round trip or longer) so organising anything takes days/weeks. Dc can’t do anything independently as there isn’t even a bus service.

Eldest now at uni and all of his friends are based in London. The time feels like it is fast approaching when he won’t want to come back here at all as it is so boring. I have no idea what to suggest when he is at home. What do other country teens do? He sees a few friends from his old school, goes to the gym and that’s it.

Do we move back? Leave our life here behind? It means dc can meet friends in London, and can work there after uni and remain living at home if they want to. Dh and I will be situated very close to both sides of the family, and we still have childhood friends there. We wfh mostly.

We have built up a great life here and it is a really beautiful place, somewhere people come on holiday, with good friends that I care about but it feels like we have all outgrown it now in so many ways.
In the winter it can be really lonely and depressing. I don’t know what old age would look like here tbh. It’s the only home my youngest has ever known so I don’t want to make a big mistake and move us all, wwyd?

Thank you in advance.

You are in your 50s.
You will Stay in contact with existing friends and make new friends.

Is a great age to do so before retirement.
When you have energy and ability. Also
So.much for you to do with clubs and activities as you age.this will open more doors. Same time you are close to family.

Better to not be so isolated as we age.
Better to be nearer facilities shops and good transport.

I know lots who moved back to a larger city for these reasons.

You were thrown in the deep end, and you swim instead of sink. Not every young adult is like that. You are an anomaly. Do you work in a lucrative industry?

Unless her son goes into banking and finance or another lucrative industry, if he studying economics, then the DC will struggle with accommodation issues in London. Agree it's not healthy for 30+ to be living at home. But it's not a choice many young people in London have.

OP move back to civilisation. I can't wait till I can move back to a city too! I can't see myself growing old, anywhere outside of a city, due to PP aforementioned issues.

The o ly thing I'd say is that at some point the teens won't need to be entertained anymore. When older they will probably like coming to stay for a holiday. Or bringing their partners to yours.

I think though that it's perfectly fine to move as it seems to make a lot of sense. Small holding served a purpose. Now it doesn't.

Plus nothing needs to be forever. You can do this for a while then do something else in your retirement. Good luck.

@magicofthefae I'm a teacher! Certainly not lucrative, but with working my way up the ladder by getting extra qualifications, working hard and being strategic about the schools in which I've chosen to work, alongside taking up all and every opportunity to gain extra cash outside of my day job (examining, tutoring, renting out my spare room, etc), I've supported myself since graduating without needing to move back home.

I have lived in some really, really shitty house shares, have gone hungry, have been cold, etc. In my first job, I was paid so little that I couldn't afford the tube fare and had to walk 1.5 hours to work and 1.5 hours home in the evening in all weathers. It wasn't always easy. But it's all part of becoming an adult, and wanting to move out of my shitty house share and be able to take public transport when I wanted and go on holiday and go out for dinner sometimes and so on without bankrupting myself drove me on to be as successful as I could within my chosen profession. If I'd been able to stay at home paying a peppercorn rent, I'd have spent all my salary on fripperies and wouldn't have been driven to succeed in the same way.

And there are other places to live and work than London. I grew up in London which is why I'm still here - it's all I've ever known (my parents moved to the sticks as soon as I went off to university!). But if I hadn't have grown up in London and had all my roots here, I'd have gone to another part of the country where I could afford to live on my salary instead. Life is full of often hard choices and the more young people are encouraged to understand that they can't have everything they want on a plate the minute they turn 21 and they have to work for it, make sacrifices and compromises and so on, the better. Life is hard. That's the reality. Putting off reality by retreating back home as soon as you have to start looking after yourself is the worst thing you can do, and I don't think parents should give their kids the option unless genuine destitution is on the cards.

I think it is easier to be old in cities that in the country. Worked in a lot of villages and many of the people who had been born there wanted to move into the local towns as they got older. Also met lots of people who had retired to the country and moved back to towns or cities.

@EnidSpyton

I hear what you're saying. I agree it's unhealthy for young people to still live at home. They need their own space.

Well done on achieving what you have, at your age, on your salary, in your industry. But how many other teachers, without parental deposit/inheritance help, in your cohort, have achieved what you achieved? I would guess not many are mortgage free in London like you are.

I guess you're right. There is the option for young Londoners to simply leave London for somewhere cheaper, like up north. To accept non graduate roles, or train in something like teaching, nursing, social work etc, that is not London centric. To leave family and friends behind and completely relocate to somewhere cheaper they've never lived before, where they don't know anyone. There is this option. A grim option, but you're right. It is an option.

I would move OP- our son lives in London but we live in Bath- our son loves coming to ours every 3 weeks or so and brings his girlfriend. He actively enjoys coming (he drives) . He has friends in Bristol too so goes and sees those friends as well.

I would hate it if he really didn't enjoy coming here because we are in that position ourselves with FIL who lives in a village with next to no facilities (not even a nice pub or a shop) and no decent town or city close by

I don’t really want my newly adult children to be cold and hungry in an effort to keep themselves alive if there is another way to gain independence and security.

My eldest son has had significant mental health issues (pandemic related) and has only just started really being himself again in the last year. I don’t want to find out he sank and we could have helped but didn’t. The tough love parenting is not a good fit for everyone. I admire pp here carving out lives in this way, it shows great resilience but for every young person that flourishes there must be many more that fall by the wayside.

It sounds like your fil lives in the same place as us 😂 It’s not exactly party central.

I would consider Bath as a location as it is beautiful, but it doesn’t really solve our problem with both sets of aging parents nor the fact that most young people appear to head to London as soon as they can. Certainly around here.

Is there a point when someone is ‘too old’ to move again? In the sense of having the energy to start over. What point would it start to feel much harder. Dh and I are very early fifties, so it feels like might be one of our last moves discounting moving into a retirement home.

Family members of mine moved in their 60s/70s from a very rural area to a market town while they could do it easily at their choice, rather than being forced by circumstances. This was prompted by a broken ankle, and the realisation that getting to medical appointments etc would be easier in town, less likely to have to deal with being snowed in in winter, and so on.

If you're early 50s, there's no need to rush to a decision- you've time to research where you would like to go, what would be important for you, what your budget will allow, without a need for rash decisions.

(I grew up rurally, and failed to pass my driving test until the 4th attempt, by which point, I was away at uni in term time, so I can sympathise with that.)

I would definitely move back because I would want my children to be near me or live with me when they are older and I would want to live near to my parents just to make life easier.

OP I agree 100%. If you're able to provide a safety net, then don't feel guilty for providing it.

These are strange times, in terms of housing crisis. In the 60's, 70's, it was a reasonable expectation at turning 18, that said adult could move out, buy a house on minimum wage and support a family. You can't apply the same expectations and rules to a completely different housing market.

Provide the safety net if you're able, whilst encouraging independence as much as possible. Them them savvy with finance. Encourage them to open a Lifetime ISA for saving housing deposit, a Self invested private pension pot, stocks and shares ISA, salary sacrifice schemes at work, employer contribution work pension schemes, go with them to visit some London commuter towns to see where they could afford to buy a tiny place, help them learn good budgeting skills like a zero based budget, read books like total money makeover, etc.

This will set them in good stead, best of both worlds.

@Newchapterbeckons I do understand totally. Our FIL lives in Kent - but we are trying to get him to move this way- at 84 though it's hard- he doesn't actually like it where he is either. For me it would be more about your parents than your kids- if you do move back I would say to make it somewhere though where they enjoy popping to see you- also factor in where the parent are as some places in SE can take you almost as long as going from Wiltshire- if it's Surrey I would look if you can afford places like Kingston, Guildford, Godalming, weybridge, nicer bits of Woking , maybe even Winchester - somewhere with even a bit of life if kids come over or need to be back at home for short periods

I had 3 country teens - they were not phased by it - it was all they were used to. Get them into the Young Farmers, but be ready to discuss contraception! Two of my DDs met their spouses at YF.

Why not move back to be near London? On the outskirts in the right direction for visiting family, but with easy access to green space. Seeing elderly family is important. My parents moved 300 miles away and it takes me 8-10 hours on 5 different trains to visit. I get stressed just thinking about it and miss out on seeing them as two days are full on travel days every time I visit and I can't afford to take too much time off work.

There are Surrey and Kent commuter villages that can get you to the centre of London in 30 mins. The same is probably true from Herts and Essex.

We live in a commuter village and DC had similar problems. Nothing going on in our village. One DS has a couple of friends nearby, the other has none less than 40 mins away by train (a service which is constantly being cancelled) It's just so boring for them when they come home. Both young adults now and understandably rarely want to be here unless they are shattered and need a weekend of being fed and dragged out for country walks. But Christmas was dull for them.

We're moving to a nearby city. More going on for everyone.

Yes agree! So similar - Christmas pretty much finished us off here tbh. We couldn’t see any family as dc had covid, and there was more fun to be had in the local morgue than around here. It was pretty wretched even without the illness. It’s really lost its sparkle.

Dc happy to go back to school and uni to have something to do. At least ds2 got some revision done and even ds1 started reading so maybe not a terrible outcome. My Christmases were spent dancing in Leicester Sq at this age (usually with someone Australian) so I am really noticing the difference!

Like most parents we have put everything into our children. I don’t want to let them down at the last hurdle.
I have tried unsuccessfully to encourage YF and pony clubs, they are adamant it’s not for them.

Dh has just said if we go he will look for a new job in London as he could be earning double if he was able to take one of the more lucrative contracts there ( we are too far out to commute) had I not started this thread I doubt we would have made time to discuss this properly and I would never have known this was also an opportunity for him.

I can come and visit my friends here at Christmas and in the summer. I just hope ds2 feels comfortable there as ds1 has obviously already flown the nest to some degree. My main concern remaining is ds2 and his friendships, as he has a little while left before uni. He seems at least welcoming of the idea.

My main concern remaining is ds2 and his friendships, as he has a little while left before uni. He seems at least welcoming of the idea.

It's not unusual to move for 6th form, though.

Your ds2 will adjust and make friends quickly.

I'd stay. Children leave home sooner or later and elderly parents (sorry to be brutal) are not around for ever.

If you are happy and contended there then stay. It is your home and your life that is the issue not the older or younger generations.

We were in a similar position being in a small market town with family in S London and children at uni in the Midlands.

Equally, the friends they have rurally will also die eventually.
OP will also get older and less mobile and then possibly.become isolated.

So they need to.plan ahead for their future too.

@Newchapterbeckons your DS2 might not realise it now but longer term will thank you I believe. On Xmas Eve our son who is 25 was up here in Bath , went for a lovely walk and then went out with us to a very nice upmarket lovely lively bar in town, looked at the rather beautiful lights and we all got an £8 cab back home - he appreciates it as lovely but different. He wouldn't appreciate it or visit as often in my opinion if it was somewhere deadly. I will be honest too in that I like having a good A&E within 2 miles!!

Thank you all for such supportive and kind messages, whatever your view on rural teens it’s been so helpful to read each one and it has helped me with different perspectives.

Many of my friends will stay forever but some may well leave. Four friends have moved in the last year or two for the nearest large town. The problem is that is also quite boring and run down with high unemployment. I feel a move home back home, to a more affluent commuter town would offer a safer future for all of us, with family and siblings on hand for dh and I. Opportunities to work and socialise for my teen dc post uni. It just feels like a big decision and I am afraid to leave. We have been settled here for so long.

OP if you're worried about DS2 friendships, why not aim to move once he's at Uni in couple of years? You're in your 50's, so not really old yet. Another couple of years won't make too much difference.

You can always visit your old friends, every summer if you want.

Plus, with a slow sellers market, it likely will take a year or so to sell anyway, once conveyancing time, chains etc are factored in.

Wishing you all the best with your decision. I'm sure it will work out in the long run.

That would be best, probably to wait, but I am horribly impatient when I have decided to do something. I also don’t know if I have that long, in terms of my parents health especially. It would be heartbreaking to lose them before we make it back. Although they are not the only reason for the move by a long way, I know how much it would mean to them.