To let DS make his own mistakes (GCSE’s)

[Populationofsouthhampton]

DS is 16 and isn’t trying for his GCSE’s, doing the bare minimum and will probably scrape by with a few passes just about. It’s disappointing to me and I have told DS as much, I have facilities studying, bought the books, gone to parents evenings, not overloaded him with chores around exam time. I have better things to be doing than chasing round someone who’s now a foot taller than me and going through the same routine as I did with the times tables when he was nine. He’s old enough to sit these public exams and so he’s old enough to deal with the consequences (which aren’t as life running as overzealous parents and results conscious schools make out. I thought this would be a near universal approach amongst parents given the kids are teenagers now. However, the number of friends I’ve told who’ve reacted with horror and suggested I’m negligent for not confiscating all devices, grounding him and administering all manner of other punishments. AIBU to think that teenagers, to grow into functional adults, they’ve got to be allowed to make stupid mistakes and learn from it; Furthermore, I’ve raised DS to 16 years of age as a happy healthy young man with a girlfriend, lots of mates, hobbies etc albeit he’s a lazy arse when it comes to his exams I don’t see it as either my responsibility or a good use of my time for him to be policing his academic progress at his age. AIBU?

I think in any case there is only so much you can do. Which it sounds as though you have done (study facilities, revision guides).

DS2 is smart and could have got a better grade in his MFL GCSE - but even though I offered to go through things with him (my subject) he refused. tbf tho I am talking about a 6 instead of a 7 - yes very much so what, not affected his life.

But if your DS will get grades way below his ability and grades which will impact his future - so he could achieve 6s and 7s but will end up with 3s and 4s, making A levels impossible, then I think it is worth at least a convo with him along the lines of what do you plan to do next year/in the further future - and see if that focuses his mind.

None of us wants our DC to do really badly when they could do well. It is tough tho and I am personally not convinced that taking his devices off him will make him work any harder if he really doesn't care.

No you aren’t. Buying him revision books, offering your help/ support and encouraging him to revise is all you can do as a parent. Policing revision when they are 16 would be too much helicopter parenting.

He's got time on his side to pull it together in 6th form/college/apprenticeship level.

They've never been allowed to fail before - and the school will still be trying hard. That doesn't mean to rely on the school or undermine them, but he needs to be clear that this is up to him, not you, and that it is his life and you will not be blaming the school if he refuses to match their level of effort with him.

If he doesn't pass English or Maths, he will have to resit. And keep resitting until he passes. That's all there is to it.

Is there a plan B if he doesn’t get reasonable grades? Does he want to go to college or 6th form or an apprenticeship.

I think you can take a horse to water, but……….

I would expect some kind of plan though, because not being in education, training or employment wouldn’t be acceptable.

Sometimes, a sense of urgency comes upon them, the nearer to the exams they get.

If he’s likely to pass everything and go onto the next stage that he wants then yanbu. Doing more now is delaying the problem to a later stage of his education eg university where you can’t use the same techniques.
If he’s likely to fail to move onto the next stage and blame you then he needs to be warned hence schools doing mocks for those who need a reality check.

I’m not on my DS’s case either - no point. He should do well but he could do even better if he put some effort in.

Tell your friends - uni lecturers can spot the students a mile off who only got decent grades because their parents dragged them through. It all tends to go wrong at uni.

At 16, it's difficult.

As a teacher, I see many kids who don't work for their GCSEs despite being quite bright, and I see MANY kids so disappointed with their results, who then realise they need to re-sit maths/English to be able to follow their chosen post-16 option.

The only way forward is bribery! But... make sure you are rewarding effort rather than achievement. Have a look at his target grades, and perhaps offer some sort of reward based around those? Make sure whatever the bribery is, it is achievable but a challenge.

He'll either rise to the challenge and it's then a win win situation, or he'll just carry on as he is, so no change.

What does he plan to do next? Doing the rounds of sixth forms and colleges made it clear to DS that he needed to pull his finger out and actually start revising if he wanted to proceed onto the desired course.

We do set clear expectations for DS about revising if he wants his pocket money and to be given lifts to see his mates. That’s always been the case with getting school work done though so hasn’t come as a surprise.

I don't know it reads like you're trying to justify this instead of feeling comfortable.

Told you so isn't ever helpful, especially at 16.

Ask him about plans for college/sixth form/apprenticeship and go from there.

Not getting gcse maths and English will hold him back IMO - but he only needs passes.

will probably scrape by with a few passes just about

Have you had a serious conversation with him about his plans for next year? His increasingly adult responsibilities? Does he have a part time job?

Has he applied for college courses that he can actually get onto with the grades he is predicted?

Personally I 'd put in a lot of effort if necessary to make sure he passes maths and English because that can really hold people back.

If he needs other stuff I would also offer to help.

We weren't sure my DS would pass English and he wanted help so I got him a tutor.

As a teacher, I struggled with exactly the same thing with my DS (after a DD who was very self motivated) - he pushed back whenever I tried to do more. He got the GCSEs needed to a L3 BTEC at college and then enough in that to go to university and graduated last summer. Yes, he could have got higher grades but he has always done enough. He has a graduate job and is living in London. So, please hold fast and keep encouraging as much as he will allow. And I really hope it works out for you all.

Oh and I totally agree that maths and english are the critical ones. On results day, DSs maths was the only one I was really anxious about (he had tolerated a tutor so we had done our best!) and he got a 4, nearly a 5. I was thrilled! And he has realised now how important that was - he credits the tutor as being instrumental in his degree!

I personally think, for most kids, 16 is too young to be allowing them "to make their own mistakes". They don't have the slightest clue about organising their own time, self study etc. by that age and still need to be guided through it. They haven't lived an adult life of suffering long term consequences and tend to live in the moment. And when mistakes are made (like very poor English or Maths results limiting their post-16 options) they mostly just adjust to those mistakes, adapting the scope of their life, achievement and ambition accordingly. The idea that those mistakes are a necessary or even desirable part of a long term trajectory towards overcoming them and doing their best is, usually, just post-hoc justification or wishful thinking.

Structured work and delayed gratification resulting in success are not natural attributes we are born with, they need to be learnt. Some people mature later or discover something in adulthood that inspires them to develop those attributes then, but many just never develop them at all.

How much you can do is another question, is different for every child and depends on the nature of your relationship with them.

There's still plenty of time.
My son did his last summer. He did very little until the Easter holidays and even then it was patchy.
But came out with good results. Some teens find it hard to work other than to deadlines. So I'd save your energy until end of March/beginning of April but then I'd try to galvanise him rather than leave him to it

I think they are still so young and immature at 16 that it is our role as parents to help them achieve the best they can at that stage. They may simply not be willing to work and there isn’t anything we can do about that but I certainly saw it as my job to try my best through whatever mechanism I could to help them achieve their potential. So not just leaving them to it basically but not pushing it too much either. Jusr some gentle encourwgemtn1 eg what about 30 mins work before we watch this film or do you need me to test you on any mfl vocab or whatever. Bite size bursts of encouragement. Worked for my dcs but they are all different….

From the sounds of him and his lack of academic enthusiasm, A Levels would not be the route he would want anyway.
If he's more practical, what about an apprenticeship? They can be done in nearly all subjects now with an employers so he will have a job too. Or is he into music, arts stuff like film making/ editing? Talk to him about it from that angle, rather than claiming he's lazy and that GCSEs are the most important thing, obviously you know they are not.
Some kids hate school, it does not mean they won't make a decent career for themselves with the right support. He sounds well adjusted in other ways but if he wants to make money he knows (should know!) he's gonna have to work.

If he was spending all his time gaming and not studying yes I’d confiscate the PlayStation / X box as he will thank you for it later. What’s his plan? As I wouldn’t be allowing them to bum around as can’t get into a course when I know they were capable but too busy gaming etc

I've been there. Did what I could but in the end dc got quite disappointing grades and couldn't stay on at the school for a levels. They went elsewhere and gave up so no uni but they are actually now doing well in their chosen career. I think there's only so much a parent can and should do to make up for lack of motivation. There are more opportunities available now to people to get an education at any age if it didn't work out first time around.

I’d agree with you if you were talking about A Levels. At 16 though? No. They’re young enough to need more encouragement/pressure to apply themselves.

I'd give a MASSIVE pep talk first. Point out that top unis take GCSE grades into account so if he suddenly gets fired up in 6th form when he's narrowed down to his favourite subjects, he might be sad that he has less chance at Oxbridge or LSE etc because of poor GCSE grades.

I'd also as part of the pep talk ask why he finds it so hard to revise. What stops him? I suggested DC revising in the kitchen not their bedrooms, so it's obvious if they are messing around online. I also helped them time revision - 45 mins then a break - and crucially asked them to tell me what they had learned - to explain it to me. I'd ask questions and that would show up any gaps in knowledge. (Teaching others is proven to be one of the best ways to revise as teens can't always tell the difference between stuff that is familar when they see it and stuff they can recall without a prompt.

I also would offer to test them on language vocab or literary device terminology or anything else that was easily testable.

People might think that is helicopter parenting and maybe it is, but both DC ended up getting firsts at uni with no help from anyone. I found they need more support at GCSE, if you want them to do their best.

Has he had his mocks yet? My clever son was coasting a bit and his January/February mocks were the wake up call that he wasn't going to be able to wing it. Indeed he even realised where notes weren't good enough and rewrote them, knuckled down and smashed gcses. It also gave him a much better work ethic and approach to A levels which meant he did very well in those too.

Hopefully yours will get there in the same way. I think if you try to force anything it has the opposite effect. So hopefully he will work it out for himself (soon!!)

Letting older teens make their own mistakes, within reason as you've described us definitely so important. Wellbeing in life is hugely linked to be able to make your own choices for better or worse, bad news for all the helicopter parents out there. Sounds like he'll pass enough anyway, if he doesn't that's a useful lesson down the line. My cousin just redid her English and Maths in her 30s. It means far more to her now than ever did in her teens. Good luck to him.

This was me last year. Seriously don't stress.
Depends what the future plans are.
Although my DD's predicted grades were mostly 4s, she ended up with 2s and 3s and one 4. Although this was due the her ongoing MH struggles, and the stress of 24 exams over 3 weeks.
The college course she chose still allowed her on to do the level 2 course. And she has to re-sit English and maths to get the 4 grade in so next year she can do the level 3 course or look at apprenticeships.
She sits her maths exam again in May. But did the English one before Xmas. And passed with the 4. I'm so proud.
The rest of her GCSEs in my view are pointless anyway regardless of her grade. As she will now go on the learn a vocation.
Of course this would be different if your son needs certain grades for his next step.

I'm shocked at the number of posters advocating your current approach!

at 16 children (especially boys) are still children! they don't have the same level of self control, are easily distracted and have no clue re their long term future in most cases. their brains are just wired differently.

also I think it all depends on what and how your family prioritises. we grew up valuing education and learning. by 14/15 none of our siblings needed any pushing to study. and this continued into uni.

however the ground work was laid very early and we were not allowed games/devices and had minimal access to watching TV. admittedly our parents were ultra helicopter /strict parents and that had its drawbacks but I think its possible to be too laid back.