To let DS make his own mistakes (GCSE’s)

[Populationofsouthhampton]

DS is 16 and isn’t trying for his GCSE’s, doing the bare minimum and will probably scrape by with a few passes just about. It’s disappointing to me and I have told DS as much, I have facilities studying, bought the books, gone to parents evenings, not overloaded him with chores around exam time. I have better things to be doing than chasing round someone who’s now a foot taller than me and going through the same routine as I did with the times tables when he was nine. He’s old enough to sit these public exams and so he’s old enough to deal with the consequences (which aren’t as life running as overzealous parents and results conscious schools make out. I thought this would be a near universal approach amongst parents given the kids are teenagers now. However, the number of friends I’ve told who’ve reacted with horror and suggested I’m negligent for not confiscating all devices, grounding him and administering all manner of other punishments. AIBU to think that teenagers, to grow into functional adults, they’ve got to be allowed to make stupid mistakes and learn from it; Furthermore, I’ve raised DS to 16 years of age as a happy healthy young man with a girlfriend, lots of mates, hobbies etc albeit he’s a lazy arse when it comes to his exams I don’t see it as either my responsibility or a good use of my time for him to be policing his academic progress at his age. AIBU?

I was with you until you got to ‘over zealous parents’. Are you an overly permissive parent whose laid back attitude to education, chores have created a ‘lazy arse’ as you describe him?

Scraping through his GCSE is not the mistake he should learn from as I believe he needs these for most apprenticeships, so they are important.

Apprenticeships are pretty competitive, not a last resort for a lazy student.

No I think the opposite. My mum got me through gcses then told me I as on my own for a levels. I fell flat on my face at A level after good gcse results but it was much easier to remedy the situation at A level than gcses.

GCSE are the basic exam and springs boards into everything else.

I agree. There is a lot of competition for apprenticeships, the idea that you can just ‘walk’ into one because you don’t fancy sixth form or uni is the type of thinking that belongs in the 90’s.

They really are, my son did well at school and went on to do an apprenticeship as a electrician, the competition for an apprenticeship is huge and most require a level 5 or above in English and Maths.
I'm with your friends op, consequences for not putting the effort in.. He'll thank you for it one day.

My DS refused point blank to work for his GCSEs and then flunked out of his electrician apprenticeship as he couldn’t be arsed. He finally found his niche at 19 as a patient ambulance driver, taking patients to and from hospital.

From there, he got a job as an emergency care assistant on the ambulance (thankfully no GCSEs required) but they paid for C1 training and blue lights training. He finally decided he was going to knuckle down and apply to be a paramedic, but needed maths and English GCSEs before he could even apply for the apprenticeship. He’s now, at the age of 23, half way through re-doing his GCSEs and is doing really well at work which will really help with his application.

People do things at their own pace and he’s really hopeful about being a paramedic before he’s 30. I wish your son all the best.

Does he have consequences for not doing his best.

Mine knew they were expected to work hard enough to get into uni and do leave home at 18.

If they didn't get in they'd be expected to still move out and find a job to support themselves.

Does he think he can be lazy and live off you forever?

You can't force him.

He'll find his own way. If he can get English and maths, then that's great. There are vocational courses and all sorts of options now.

Leave him to it, encourage (obviously), if he asks for support then give it. But don't pressure him.

My mum always says to me "I couldn't have made you study, you were old enough to take the consequences of not doing enough!"

But never put any importance on self study throughout my school life. Homework was always last minute and half arsed.

I was lucky I was intelligent, but wish I'd been taught the importance of school from an early age instead of given "independence" and the ability to just "get on with it." Organisation and motivation at school did not come naturally to me.

I guess this is a warning for those with pre-teens, your children won't suddenly become a responsible and independent learner when it matters

The problem is 5 GCSEs passes including English and maths are the gateway to pretty much everything, and you only need to look at the very low resit pass rate for maths and English to see that it’s so much better to get it first time.
to be honest even from your own perspective it will create far more aggro and stress for YOU in the next couple of years if he is not able to get to the next stage or do what he is capable of.
It’s not clear from post if he is on course for passes in English and maths. But I would be on his case about those ones and then pick 3 others you are going to make sure he gets. At least then he has those in the bank for life, whatever other mistakes he goes on to make.

I have told this story on Mumsnet before, but it's relevant here. 50 years ago, my DH was your son. He failed all his exams bar 1, which was technical drawing. He left school and managed to get a basic job.. Aged 30, he decided he'd been an idiot at school and went to night classes to retake his Maths and English. He then got made redundant so he went to college and took an access to further education course and then uni. He ended up as a university lecturer. He freely admits that he was an idiot at school and leaving with nothing was his fault. But when he was ready he did something about it. Failing turned out not to be the end of the world.

Yes YABU. This is his first experience of proper exam stress and you’re abandoning him. Give him boundaries on this like it sounds like you have with everything else.

When he’s older, when he gets to Uni and doesn’t try, that’s his lookout. But for now with GCSE you need to offer more support.

I'd let him learn the lesson - resitting GCSEs is not the end of the world.

But if he is coasting along unaware, it might be worth a "pull your socks up before it all falls down" talk?

Having to do an extra year whilst education is still free makes far more sense than when it'll cost over sixteen grand.

Yes yabu. You don't stop parenting a child at the point of something which could limit his choices. He isn't going to resit. He might have fewer choices and take one of those but he wont ever resit 9 gcses.

I have better things to be doing than chasing round someone who’s now a foot taller than me
better things to do than support your child in achieving his gcses.

he’s old enough to deal with the consequences (which aren’t as life running as overzealous parents and results conscious schools make out.
overzealous parents? Or parents who are still parenting?

I always pointed out/ encouraged a tiny bit of work could make one grade difference. I tried to break it down to v small bite sizes of revision. I think children ( boys perhaps?) feel overwhelmed by the scale of exams/ the sense of a future and it becomes so much easier 'not to care' when they actually do. Seneca learning seemed to break it up for them too - mimicking online games in a way. anyhow. good luck.

@Populationofsouthhampton HRFT but the thing is GCSE grades matter more than you think. Especially if he is not going to stay on at school for further studies. My DD is the same and needs close supervision, which I never had to do with Ds1 or 2. But these may be the last academic exams she is sitting and i want her to achieve her potential

Absolutely I would stay on his case. I dread to think how my son would have fared if I hadn't. What he does or doesn't achieve now can easily affect his whole future. Now he's in in early thirties, my son realises this and acknowledges he wouldn't have his career if it weren't for me.

Stay on his case until he's taken his A levels. Whatever the outcome of those, you can look back and know you did your best.

Incidentally, our daughter recently dated a man whose parents let him mess around in school. He told me himself he wishes his parents had been on his case, he has regrets.

Well yes what you say makes sense.
But.
My brother I remember was probably similar if left to himself. My parents has to basically stand over him to get him to work for his exams. Because they did, he did well.
Went to a good uni, then eventually got himself together and got a first. Masters degree. Now earns an absolute fortune working for a big company doing a job he loves.
Would that have happened if they hadn't made him work for school exams? Probably not to be honest.

Ds's school taught them very little about study techniques, planning and organisation so if his parents didn't support/educate him who would? I didn't/couldn't help with most of the course contents.

I helped him out with these things during his NAT5 year (Scotland, similar to GCSE as first formal exams) and then I was pretty much hands off for his Highers and Advanced Highers years as he knew by then what he had to do to suceed. Helping with study techniques and approach to learning can also avoid the need and cost of tutors.

Providing parental support through their GCSE/NAT5 could be the difference learning techniques they need prior to the more important Highers/A Levels and floundering through their exam years.

I am in the same boat although my son is year 10.

I have offered tutors / got the books encourage etc but he never tries or revises etc i dont think you can force it.

my husband failed all of his GCSE's his mum thought he was revising but he wasn't - he had a huge shock when he failed them - retook and did really well now has a great job!

you can advise / support and guide the rest is up to them. I told my son I want to know I did the best I can to get him through his gcse the rest is on him.

What does he want to do after yr 11. Obviously he cannot do A levels or 6th form with his attitude, so does he have a plan? Does he want to learn to drive? How can he afford a car etc.
what salary would he like to earn? How will he get there? It is hard for them when they don’t understand the reality of rent, electric costs etc.

it is hard. He will have to learn. Personally, I would not be handing out money, paying for phones etc - as he will have to manage himself as an adult so he will need to learn now.

In lreland and when my ds was that age he had no clue how to study. I helped him pick topics..told him what to learn..main points..heard it out to him and on we went to the next topic. He battled me a bit but knew he needed the help.l knew he was bright but totally lost in how to approach it. He did OK and by the time he was doing his Leaving Cert he had matured enough to manage by himself. He went on to get his degree/ Masters etc but none of that would have been possible if he had drifted through his Junior Cert. I would break it down for him. Tell him what to focus on today and day by day. Try and keep it light. I would say to ds..come on l will give you a hand..pick a subject and we will tackle it together. Don't sicken him by overdoing it. Every bit helps.

I think the problem is that the exams still seem so far away for most kids at this point. Personally I think it's really important that parents help their kids structure their revision - they've never done anything like this before! It's not the time for you to make a point.

I would recommend he consider just watching some youtube vids at this stage Mr Salles for Eng, Primrose Kitten for science, The GCSE maths tutor. Later he can move onto reading the CGP books - maybe he already has them, they are structured really well IMO. Then move on to past papers and things like Physics and Maths Tutor.

Mine (17) is currently applying for apprenticeships. He has an all day online assessment centre on Monday with two interviews and a group task. He's already had to submit a CV and have a telephone interview. If he gets through the assessment centre then he will have to go to an evening where he meets and mingles with staff and is marked on the questions he asks and how he comes across. There is huge competition for everything these days it seems and plenty of hoops you will be expected to jump through.

Like someone else said your son will thank you for being on his case when he has options after GCSE.
My son's school opened every Saturday for a year to provide extra tutoring for exams. My sons options were go to school 8-3 every Saturday or no PlayStation/phone/friends round. Harsh but it worked, only 3 kids went in every Saturday so they had one on one tutoring, did really well in exams and now has a good job gained through completing a four year apprenticeship. None of this would have happened without my pushing.