To let DS make his own mistakes (GCSE’s)

[Populationofsouthhampton]

DS is 16 and isn’t trying for his GCSE’s, doing the bare minimum and will probably scrape by with a few passes just about. It’s disappointing to me and I have told DS as much, I have facilities studying, bought the books, gone to parents evenings, not overloaded him with chores around exam time. I have better things to be doing than chasing round someone who’s now a foot taller than me and going through the same routine as I did with the times tables when he was nine. He’s old enough to sit these public exams and so he’s old enough to deal with the consequences (which aren’t as life running as overzealous parents and results conscious schools make out. I thought this would be a near universal approach amongst parents given the kids are teenagers now. However, the number of friends I’ve told who’ve reacted with horror and suggested I’m negligent for not confiscating all devices, grounding him and administering all manner of other punishments. AIBU to think that teenagers, to grow into functional adults, they’ve got to be allowed to make stupid mistakes and learn from it; Furthermore, I’ve raised DS to 16 years of age as a happy healthy young man with a girlfriend, lots of mates, hobbies etc albeit he’s a lazy arse when it comes to his exams I don’t see it as either my responsibility or a good use of my time for him to be policing his academic progress at his age. AIBU?

His life is not defined by his academic success at 16.

Take my mother as an example- hated school, did the bare minimum, scraped through (wasn’t daft but didn’t want to try), got a job in a bank, joined an airline, traveled the world and only in her mid 30s did she do her GCSE maths, an A Level and a degree. 25 years as one of the best primary teachers in the region and even a masters age 50.

back off OP. He may not be your typical ‘college/uni’ kid post 16 but his life isn’t over.

Yabu if he'll get 1 to 3s.
4s and 5s would be ok ish maybe.
If he's capable of 7 to 8s and he gets 5s then that's not ok.

Yes there are always a few people with shit grades who somehow succeed and get something (purely by their drive or just by being lucky and getting picked for a job, which they excel at)

Buy for most people you fuck up GCSEs, you probably don't go to a good sixth form. You're not gonna go to a top RG uni, and well look how hard the job market is now.

My son (16) became very defiant and secretive when he was taking his GCSEs last year, I bought all the revision books which he gave back to me recently untouched, I paid for tutoring and was constantly offering help which he refused. I sent him revision links which he wouldn’t look at. He decided himself that he was not going to bother focusing on history and business studies and he failed them both. He managed to get the grades he needed for sixth form but they were lower than he’d expected - the grade boundaries last year didn’t help but he could have put in so much more effort. He frustrated me because he is a smart kid but did the minimum and went under the radar at school, the more we tried to help the more he resisted. He is doing his A-levels now and I’ve left him to it, if he wants to mess it up then that’s up to him but he knows I will not have him living off me for free. So far he seems to be doing well and pulling in some good grades, he has arranged voluntary work at his old primary school - I think he has realised he has to put in the effort to see results.

I have a ds also doing GCSEs this year. Sometimes I feel really lax but I cannot force him to revise...like you I've bought the books, he has plenty of time to study. I totally understand. He will definitely get a high mark in English but I'm very worried about maths...I just keep reminding him that if he doesn't pass maths, he will have to retake which will be much worse in the long run.

He's got to want this too. No amount of withdrawing of screen time or whatever will make him want this. It has to come from him.

All you can do is explain why you feel it matters and facilitate revision etc.

If he is otherwise a well-balanced decent human being you may have to let this waft by a bit. He may or may not come round to the idea of academic achievement - he is young and time is on his side. He will find his niche in his own way.

You can chain him to his chair in front of his books, but nothing will enter his brain unless he chooses for it to.

Gaining qualifications like charms on a bracelet is often a parental priority, but it may not be a teenager's.

Big him up on the things that you admire about him. That self-confidence is what will take him through life and make it possible for him to study when it feels right for him.

@78gingernuts The rest of her GCSEs in my view are pointless anyway regardless of her grade. As she will now go on the learn a vocation.

Well, sure. Obviously if you regard any education that is not directly vocational as "pointless" you're not going encourage a child to work at it.

I don't see the point of all the stories about people who failed at education the first time due to laziness or lack of motivation, then turned their lives around later. So what? Obviously it's good that they did, and if the OP's kid flunks their GCSEs we hope they'll do the same. But we don't know if they will and we'll never know how life would have turned out otherwise anyway so it's meaningless. Maybe early failure or waiting for "the right time" was exactly what those people needed. Or maybe they would have done even better if they'd got their shit together the first time. Who knows?

In the meantime, the child's GCSEs are the thing that they are doing NOW, so doing that thing well, rather than badly, is the only form of control or influence they have over their future. Yes, at a certain point we all learn the consequences of bad choices, but that doesn't mean those choices and consequences make our lives better. If you get pissed and walk in front of bus then sure it would be great if you live rather than die, and we hope you will. But you'll still spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair wishing you hadn't done it.

If the child wasn't in school, then maybe they'd make better use of their time earning money or playing in a band. But given that they are in school, can someone explain to me what exactly is the advantage of doing it half arsed and getting results that compromise their future, rather than doing it properly?

Has he done mocks yet? What does he want to do in September?

Has he seen the school careers advisor? Sometimes having a goal is the most motivational factor.
Assuming he has a sixth form/college course/apprenticeship lined up, then there will be minimum grade requirements (and law is England is English or Maths at 4 or above else retake or Functional Skills).
May just need to be aiming for something :-)

for all the people pointing out examples of people who turned their lives around later on.... these are exceptions

the majority of people who don't do well in gcses regret it later. there are studies on this... and it's painfully obvious.

I've also read a study that higher GCSE scores are correlated with higher earnings

@therealcookiemonster

added to that everyone can see it plain as day. most corporations hire on a graduate entry basis- no degree, no entry
all professional jobs require degrees
and degrees need solid gcses
apprenticeships also extremely competitive
After that, all low skill jobs are extremely hard work so no scope for shirking there.

it's tough out there and getting tougher everyday and more competitive. if we don't prepare the younger generation, how can we expect them to fend for themselves?

Yes had this exact same thought in my head. Just didn't know how to write it out

Hmm OK lots of posts from ppl saying of course the OP needs to come down heavily on him and make sure he revises.

I agree btw that stories "my DS failed all his GCSEs but ended up in xyz amazing job" are not helpful - I mean good for them but there is no doubt having the best GCSE grades you can will help rather than hinder your progress through life.

That said, I genuinely don't think DS2's 6 in Spanish or DD's 6 in maths will be an issue for them, even though yes, both could have done better on those subjects. But they did work hard on the subjects that really mattered to them.

I reiterate that even if you take away the X-box and the phone, you cannot make your child study. Yes a 16yo is a child, but they still have some autonomy. You need to make it clear to them what the consequences are of not working as hard as they could. You need to offer any help that is practicable - tutor, revision guides, snacks (oh the snacks!) stationery, 1-1 help - but you also have to step back to some extent.

Despite all your efforts, a child may do badly in an exam. In fact if they feel forced into working and resentful of what you have done, they could even do that on purpose.

@Populationofsouthhampton has not been back to update - but my questions would be:

• what is his plan for post-16? What GCSE grades does he need?
• Has he had mocks? What were those grades like?
• What will he realistically gain at GCSE? 6/7 when it could be 8/9? 4/5 at best? 2s and 3s when he should be looking at 6s and 7s? This makes a massive differnece IMHO.

Higher earnings isn’t the be all and end all. Surely the best outcome is that someone is in a job that provides them with job satisfaction and the ability to have quality of life?

Say that during a cost of living crisis. At some point you need money and can't just survive on "good vibes"

Yes, but part of being able to make good choices comes from being taught what a good choice is. A parent who can be bothered to support their child, to engage with their learning, to enforce revision sessions and check the material went in is sending a clear message: you are worth my effort, your success is important to me. That teen carries this message forward in life, and having had good work ethic drilled into them when it didn't come naturally, finds it easier to access later on.

If a parent is not that involved, says, 'You are on your own, if you fail or under achieve that's on you,' they are actually modelling can't be arsed behaviour. We should care very deeply how well our DC do at GCSE and we should do all we can to ensure they meet their potential.

Personally I think it's lazy parenting but I've seen many parents do it. He's 16. Still too young to properly understand the long term consequences from his decisions. Also at 16 they don't all have the understanding of how to revise and what revision means so often need a lot of help with this. 16 year olds also have a LOT demanding their attention that to them seems way more important and interesting than exams.

I found with my DS that he needed v v intensive support with his GCSEs but then by A levels he needed much less support (having grown a bit older, seen the benefits of revising and learnt some revision skills) then he did it all on his own at uni. And I am by no means a helicopter parent. I let out the reins, he basically failed his mocks, and I could see the car crash about to happen so I stepped in and wound them back in for a bit. Standard teenage parenting. He wasn't quite ready for that amount of independence quite yet. Some 16 year olds are and some aren't. He did really well in his GCSEs as a result and learnt from the experience and he talks about that "intervention" very positively now because he recognises it really helped him (even though it was hideous for both of us at the time lol!).

I do think there is a difference between encouraging, providing support and talking to teens about how important GCSEs are and punishing them by removing their tech and forcing them to study. Do the latter and you could have a battle on your hands ( stressful for all) and a very negative atmosphere at home. There is a middle ground, hopefully op and her dc can find it.

I think you should do everything you can to set your son up for success in his GCSEs. They will dictate his life path - ie even if he 'learns from' his experience he will likely be stuck in low-paying work forever if he only scrapes together a few passes. I also think that working hard and studying is its own life lesson. YABU.

Sadly, what your mum did is a LOT harder these days. She went to uni either before tuition fees were introduced (1998) or when they just came in - and were about £1,000 a year. She would also have benefitted from free FE provision for her GCSEs and A-levels. University tuition fees are now £9,250 per year and mature students are not eligible for student loans, and FE colleges also charge, and are thinner on the ground. Both benefits and teaching salaries have gone down significantly in real terms too. At the same time the cost of living and housing has gone up massively. Nurseries were cheaper then (so she could have put you in nursery while she studied, which is now a lot harder for a FT student).

Your mum worked hard and did well, which is great. However, it is just not likely to be possible for a young person to replicate her success unless they have a financial safety net coming from somewhere else. It is not fair to tell young people that they can 'just' do their qualifications later in life - for many this will simply be impossible, however hard they work.

I do think that education is a lifelong process.

If your son cannot get his head down to do the GCSE work now I really do not think there is a lot you can do, except provide the encouragement and space. He could be sitting at his desk ostensibly revising (because otherwise he would have his phone removed) but that does not mean anything is going into his brain at all - he can just go through the motions.

It's tricky but you can't force him , I would just offer casual help in revising twice a week . I have 3 adult children , the 2 boys refused help and did the bare minimum they both have great jobs now . With my dd it was a different story she asked for help and revised lots , it comes down to personality I think .

I'd rather make a big effort for the next couple of years and know I did what I could than have him drifting after leaving school and being stuck at home while his friends are off and pursuing other things. Getting a job with prospects usually requires some qualifications.