To let DS make his own mistakes (GCSE’s)

[Populationofsouthhampton]

DS is 16 and isn’t trying for his GCSE’s, doing the bare minimum and will probably scrape by with a few passes just about. It’s disappointing to me and I have told DS as much, I have facilities studying, bought the books, gone to parents evenings, not overloaded him with chores around exam time. I have better things to be doing than chasing round someone who’s now a foot taller than me and going through the same routine as I did with the times tables when he was nine. He’s old enough to sit these public exams and so he’s old enough to deal with the consequences (which aren’t as life running as overzealous parents and results conscious schools make out. I thought this would be a near universal approach amongst parents given the kids are teenagers now. However, the number of friends I’ve told who’ve reacted with horror and suggested I’m negligent for not confiscating all devices, grounding him and administering all manner of other punishments. AIBU to think that teenagers, to grow into functional adults, they’ve got to be allowed to make stupid mistakes and learn from it; Furthermore, I’ve raised DS to 16 years of age as a happy healthy young man with a girlfriend, lots of mates, hobbies etc albeit he’s a lazy arse when it comes to his exams I don’t see it as either my responsibility or a good use of my time for him to be policing his academic progress at his age. AIBU?

I think if you're ready to 'teach him a lesson' now by letting him do poorly,you also have to be prepared to support when it's time to pick the pieces up, be it resits, applications to college,courses etc. that might not be of his choosing etc, some tears/tantrums etc. Helping him with paperwork.

Save yourself both some stress and heartbreak and give him a loving kick up the bum.16 is far too young IMO to decide he's not academic.

Things are so different now though from when we were in our 20s and 30s. Most people cannot simply leave school and get a job with no qualifications. Yes, he can retake what he fails but realistically, it will be so much better for him and for you moving out? if he can do at least enough to pass.

I am all for people making their own mistakes but if he's bright and simply lazy, I would be on him to put more work in.

It's a different situation for those who can't get the grades (although for the reasons above, I would try tutoring or something to try and help them).

I’m helping my DS as much as I can. I’ve provided revision books, flash cards and past papers. I’ve made a revision plan for him and we have a weekly review of his progress. I’m marking his answers and discussing the examiner reports with him. I’m also watching ‘walk through’ videos with him.

Are there other things I would rather be doing? Yes, there are. But I care about his future so I will do everything possible.

Of course this only works if DC are willing to co-operate and take your help. I don’t think you can force a resistant teenager to learn and taking devices away as a punishment will just cause resentment.

My parents didn’t help me 30 years ago and I still did OK. They trusted the school and teachers. Unfortunately I don’t trust his school to get the best from him so have to step in.

I have not voted as although I think you are not likely unreasonable I can’t see that you have actually had a proper talk with him about the consequences of “failure” (relatively speaking) and what is his plan B. I do also think some degree of checking in and reminding him from time to time would help. So overall your approach seems grounded and sensible. But maybe a touch too casual. I’d maybe step your intervention up a notch. But certainly not to the extent of many of the parents you have spoken to.

What are the local options like post 16 for not good grades?

It's not as easy as when I was at school mid 90s - older bother could re-retake relatively easily stopping first at school then at local college - it's much harder to retake much more than English or maths.

If he can get maths English and 3 other above C he'll have more options in most places that if he can't.

If they don't want help though it can be impossible to get them to do more - but I would at least try and talk with him about future.

The problem is 5 GCSEs passes including English and maths are the gateway to pretty much everything, and you only need to look at the very low resit pass rate for maths and English to see that it’s so much better to get it first time.

This ^^ is spot on.

I'd let him learn the lesson - resitting GCSEs is not the end of the world.

You only get to resit English and maths. @BertieBotts , and resitting is far more of a faff than just ticking that box in the first place. As far as I know 6th form colleges don't usually offer other GCSE subjects, not like they did in my O level days.

His life is not defined by his academic success at 16.

No, but it reduces the options at 16 significantly if you can't be bothered. The world has changed significantly since your mother was at school @Mariposistaa and I think your advice is misguided.

I don't agree with setting up a young person to fail. So many young people of 15 and 16 are just not emotionally mature enough to understand the implications of not putting in the effort.

@Populationofsouthhampton I agree that asking your DS what his plan B is if he fails to get enough GCSE passes to progress to the next step in his education is a good idea. So many unskilled jobs also demand passes in English and maths these days.

I had to chivvy DD along for GCSEs because she needed it. Advice on here was let her fail. I didn't take the advice, thank goodness. She did very well. I helped with revision for A levels when she requested it and by the time she went to university she was on her own. She graduated with a first in a STEM degree.

Do people need to pay to resit maths and English?

They do when they have left education @killik. I don't know if they do if they resit at 6th form college.

Thanks for answering

@therealcookiemonster Completely agree with your post.

I don't think you can abdicate responsibility because he is 16 and taller than you. He won't truly understand the implications and impact of gcse results day in August. If he isn't able to discipline himself with study do you think he will be able to be self for a job?

Has he ever had to work for something? If he hasnt, when do you think he will start...not likely to be at 18 when he has to keep a job.

If you don't help him now then you're likely to be back in a few years complaining about your 20 year old son who can't keep a job and stays home gaming and sleeping late.

My DD is about to finish her GCSEs. She thinks she can spend the next 10
weeks doing as she pleases. I know this will lead to arguments, as I will be frustrated she lies on her bed all day on her phone etc. i am planing on letting t her have the first 5-7 days after exams to relax, but after then I would like to have a list of jobs for her to do around the house, rather than me just nag her to do something productive. If I anyone has any ideas for things she can help with. I am thinking about 1-1.5 hours a day. Many thanks.

This - I'm a teacher and have found students who have 'checked out' of some or all subjects have very inaccurate ideas about their options for retakes in the future. They seem to think they will have the option to basically repeat the year and retake all their GCSEs for free, which is not the case.

I think it should be a balance of meeting your child where they're at and prioritising certain subjects, but also supporting them to break the revision down into goals they feel like they can meet. Some students don't have the independence or maturity or even revision skills to know how to prepare for the exams, or feel too overwhelmed.

Does he know what to do with the revision guides or which pages to use? Can he show you how he thinks you can make a mind map or flashcards or where to access past papers online? If he struggles with written revision, could he explain some concepts to you verbally, have you test him by quizzing him, turn ideas into pictures, put key ideas on post-its in places he'll see them frequently around the house?

There are some great videos on YouTube called "study with me" where you see a person studying in a nice setting and it has a timer for the Pomodoro technique so it gives you maybe half an hour of study time with timer on screen, then a 5 minute break, also with a visual timer.

I think it sounds important to identify why your DS isn't doing much and see what structure you could help him add.

@yorkie825 i suggest you start a new thread - the op’s dc is just about done with GCSEs now. FWIW I think some structure is always a good thing. Any chance of her getting a pt job?