To ask you to ‘Destroy without reading’? (Bereavement related)

[Izzy24]

Would you?

So if you were coping with clearing personal belongings and you came across a package marked as above, would you respect that person’s privacy and dispose of it without reading? Even if it was unsealed?

😮

If it was one of my family members then this would probably be a trick, with a jokey note inside telling me I’m a nosey bugger 😂

I know I would read it. I have an active imagination, and would torture myself with what it could have been if I didn't. I would also more than likely be highly disappointed to find out what it actually was, given said imagination!

Yes I’d burn it as soon as I saw it, otherwise if I held on to I’d increase my chances of sneaking a peak

Obviously. Hence the thread.

I would probably look.
the person concerned is dead - they don’t know if I’ve looked or not. I’ve never been one who would ‘rather not know’ bad news or things that people find unsavoury - I’d always rather know.

i did once find very hardcore gay porn in the house of an old uncle who had been in the army, and single, his whole life, but had always been rather loudly and persistent about hating gay people etc. I’m sure he would have rather I didn’t see it, but it just made me feel desperately sad for him. Imagine hating yourself like that your whole life….

I’d follow their wishes, I’d feel too guilty if I looked at it, regardless of what it was.

I’m just wondering why someone would keep something and mark it with this. Why keep it? Why not destroy it themselves? Seems too temping to risk it?

Well, it depends what it is. If it’s love letters, for example, I wouldn’t want to destroy them in my lifetime because they’d mean too much to me and I’d want to read them again myself. I don’t think takes much imagination to figure out why someone might want to keep certain papers or photos for themselves to look at again all their life, without wanting other people to read them after they die.

When my grandad died we found a envelope marked “PRIVATE” full of pin-up style photos he’d taken of my nan in lingerie some time around 1948-50. In his lifetime, he obviously wasn’t going to want to bin a load of pictures of his late and adored wife looking absolutely beautiful, was he?

(They were actually pretty innocent pictures and we just found it all incredibly sweet and romantic, so if you’re somehow reading this from beyond the grave, Grandad, don’t be embarrassed and please tell Nan she was a proper stunner!)

Just don't watch it.

@Izzy24 I would totally open and read it.

That's the question isn't it! I am nearing 70 and not in good health, so decided I wanted to get rid of 20 years' worth of diaries. They aren't salacious or particularly interesting in any way, just the thoughts and experiences of a 10-30 yr old! But they are private so I figured I'd get rid. The question was, how? I don't have any way to burn them, so I have ended up pulling out the pages of each one and shredding them. At the beginning I was re-reading but that was slowing me down far too much, and so I just pulled pages and shredded. At least that is one less thing to leave for my DP to sort out if I go first.

I wouldn't be able to help myself. I would know that I might regret it but I would have to read it.
As others have said if they really wanted it destroyed they would have done so themselves.

@Peteryourhorseishere surely with this sort of thing the less connected you are to the person who does the watching and provides a synopsis, the better! I'd be happy to do this for a work colleague or my kids mates mum. It won't upset them as much if they are not closely involved.

I would read them, what is the point of making them?
They might be important to sorting through everything and the person might have not been in the right mind.

I’m 100% confident that neither DC would hide something like that from me. They are already adults so it’s probably easier for me to imagine IYSWIM?

No, it would guarantee exactly the opposite.

Whoever did it was being a drama queen (me, teen years 🙄) or worse or really, really wanted the contents to be known which is almost the same difference.

I found a batch of love letters my mum wrote to my father when he was in the army in WW2. They were apart for many years so there would have been many more letters, including his to her. I realised that he or she had destroyed the others so I shredded them, I know it was what they would have wanted.

I think it’s the unknown that makes you more curious, if they said ‘personal correspondence between me & my partner please destroy without reading, thank you’ you think yes I understand what that is & why it’s private & will follow their wishes accordingly.

’Destroy without reading’ ignites curiosity /speculation about potential revelations.

My friend’s husband had to clear out his estranged dad’s flat when he died which was stuffed full of porn and sex toys!

I'd read them. Too much time wasted being lied to and gaslit about stuff. I know some of what's in that category - everything from my father, including cards and letters, that he sent to me that were intercepted - I found them once as a teenager, wondering why I'd always be screamed at to not even look at the large cabinet next to the chair I sat in every day, but didn't have time to actually read any of it.

My half brother is guaranteed to destroy them without even telling me that they exist. Got to preserve the image of him having the perfect, saintly mother.

I would keep it for now, unread.

You can wait for a time in the future to make that decision- next week, next year.

I’d look. Just in case. It’s wrong of me but I would. As someone said above why would the person not have disposed of it themselves? If this is a real scenario hugs on whatever choice you make and the feelings that come as a result x

I know my curiosity would get the better of me. I'd probably skim a bit first to get the gist and then decide, but I wouldn't want to potentially lose an interesting family document. People often feel anxious about letting out their innermost secrets but most will be fairly benign, if a little embarrassing. But a dead person cant feel embarrassed.

I still have my teenage diaries. I only looked at one once to answer a question I had about a memory I had - found it a mixture of cringy and intriguing - the amount of angst I devoted to an insignificant event was ridiculous! Must say I both don't want to read anymore but nor do I want to get rid of them. I suspect any family who found them though would think them very tedious.

I've actually sent off for one of those printed to older files that you can order. They look like an old book on the outside? (The company is "Klever File", I think.)

I've had "Memories" printed on the exterior and my husband's letters etc are going in there. I'll leave a note telling my executors to dispose of it. If they're mean enough to rake through it, then that's their problem.

So if I don't have a diagnosis of anything, and I am just getting old, at what point do I destroy them and deprive myself of them? When I am 70? 75? 80? What if I decide to wait till I am 75 but die unexpectedly before that?

I would destroy it- I can imagine doing this myself with my diaries. I wouldn’t want to destroy them myself as I like re-reading them, but they’re not intended for anyone else to read. To be fair a person reading my diaries would probably die of bordem, rather than learn any dark secrets- it’s more just that I use it as a form of therapy and way of untangling my emotions- it would probably sound a bit deranged and self indulgent if said aloud. Maybe I’ll write a note to that effect on the outside of it!