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Original poster

Am I wrong to dislike my boyfriends female lodger?

108 replies

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:19

So I'll explain the whole story so you get a clear picture around my situation...

Im a 30 yr old female, I've been with my boyfriend (35yrsold) for over 2 years now, he has his own place, and I have mine. We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet.

A few months back my boyfriend told me he was considering getting a lodger to rent his spare room out too, to bring in extra cash and help pay his bills etc. Although I wasn't exactly happy about his idea, (as I do spend alot of my time at his), I knew it was something he wanted to do and I couldn't sway his decision.

A few weeks after our initial conversation on the renting his spare room out... he tells me he has interviewed a female lodger and she is interested in renting his room. She is 32, (very similar in age to me). I am very shocked at his decision to pick a female (I assumed it was going to be a male lodger living with him), and she is also almost identical in age and profession to me. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger. He then says he will look to see if anyone else is interested in the room, and if not he will rent it to her.

Fast forward another 3/4 weeks and he is being very shady about me coming round to his house, he is always offering to come round to mine instead and if I ask to come over to his he is making up excuses. I suspected something was a little off, and asked him when the new lodger was moving in. He then says she moved in a week ago!!!!! He had not mentioned to me at all that she was moving in. I completely lost it, got very upset and sad and felt like I had been lied to and deceived on about this situation.

Now she is living there, the atmosphere in the house for me is very uncomfortable. I feel unsettled and just odd being there when I know she's in the house.. (in the bedroom next door to us). There's only 1 bathroom in the house so she obviously uses that too. She's always in and hardly ever goes out, other than to work her 8am to 4pm job. All she does is either sit in her bedroom and uses the kitchen for short periods to cook. My boyfriend now makes a conscious effort to be quiet in the evenings (which he never did before), and even whispers when we get into bed so he's more quiet and doesn't disturb her. I find her extremely odd, almost awkward around me...

Although I honestly don't think he would cheat on me with her, I just find the whole idea and situation of him living with a female lodger very uncomfortable.

Am I over reacting about this all? Or do I have rights to how I feel? Advice greatly needed! As I don't know if I'm over thinking it all

OP posts:
SpursFan2 · 12/01/2024 19:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all OP - I think your feelings are completely valid on this. Is there any way you can talk to your boyfriend about how you feel?

Olinguita · 12/01/2024 19:35

Your feelings are valid. I wouldn't love this either. He has created an uncomfortable situation for you. The kicker is going to be how he responds when you raise your concerns with him. If he is happy to talk through what is making you uncomfortable in a non-defensive manner then that's one thing, but if he minimises or dismisses your worries/gets arsey then you know you have a bigger problem. Don't let him accuse you of being jealous. Your discomfort at another female in his immediate space is nothing out of the ordinary.
May I ask, do you guys have a timeline for moving in together, and are you generally happy with the pace at which the relationship is proceeding between you two?

ConstitutionHill · 12/01/2024 19:37

I can totally understand why he needs a lodger. If there was an unknown bloke sleeping in the next room and using the bathroom would you feel any more comfortable?

Olinguita · 12/01/2024 19:37

My worry in this situation is not that he would cheat with this woman - it sounds like there is nothing shady going on. But it's more about whether he is considerate and mature enough to talk this through with you and to show consideration for your feelings. Just to be clear!

Whattodo112222 · 12/01/2024 19:40

Your feelings are valid definitely. He's out of order to have hidden it from you that she moved in. I'd be having a very frank discussion if I were you.

Thehamsterthatcametotea · 12/01/2024 19:40

I think that you are being a bit much. You have made it uncomfortable not the lodger.
I doubt that she will be there for long if it’s so uncomfortable.

Guavafish1 · 12/01/2024 19:42

He didn't tell you because of your over the top reaction.

You are making the situation awkward for no reason.

SpursFan2 · 12/01/2024 19:43

Thehamsterthatcametotea · 12/01/2024 19:40

I think that you are being a bit much. You have made it uncomfortable not the lodger.
I doubt that she will be there for long if it’s so uncomfortable.

I think that’s a bit harsh to say @Thehamsterthatcametotea . It sounds like neither the OP or the lodger have intentionally made it uncomfortable for each other, and the OP can’t help how she feels. The situation is making things uncomfortable by the sounds of it, as the OP has to deal with having a complete stranger in her boyfriend’s house and who is there whenever she (OP) visits him. I know we only have the OP’s point of view here, but I think her feelings are totally valid.

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

Vitriolinsanity · 12/01/2024 19:46

I think he's the one that's made it uncomfortable by not telling you she's moved in until after the fact.

On the other hand, his behaviour in keeping the noise down is really just respectful of a room mate whomever they may be.

You do have choices, insofar as you can stay at your place, which he seems to prefer anyway.

The similarities to you are down to you to conflate or ignore. Personally, I'd ignore. You know very little about her. As amazing as you think your fella is really doesn't equate to her wanting to jump him.

This isn't her problem, it's a you and him problem.

Honeyroar · 12/01/2024 19:46

I think you’re over reacting a bit. I think that was probably why he didn’t tell you she was moving in. I don’t think she sounds anything to worry about, she’s mostly sitting in her room. She sounds like the perfect lodger!

KarenNotAKaren · 12/01/2024 19:46

You need to sort out your trust issues before you get more serious. This poor woman is probably feeling the coldness from you in her own home. Her worst crime is staying in? Come on OP get a grip.

Ledwood85 · 12/01/2024 19:46

What I took away from this is that we have a couple in their early-to-mid-30s who still don't want to live together after two years of being in a relationship.

The lodger is a sidebar issue that may or may not be stemming from a lack of commitment for one or both of you.

Doodar · 12/01/2024 19:48

Can he come to yours more often?
Would make more sense you both moving in together.

Missingmyusername · 12/01/2024 19:48

Ledwood85 · 12/01/2024 19:46

What I took away from this is that we have a couple in their early-to-mid-30s who still don't want to live together after two years of being in a relationship.

The lodger is a sidebar issue that may or may not be stemming from a lack of commitment for one or both of you.

^I agree with this.

Vitriolinsanity · 12/01/2024 19:49

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

But you have no ideas what his rent/mortgage are. My own has increased eye watering amounts in the last year. Id consider a lodger to alleviate the burden of other factors permitted. It doesn't reflect on my financial capabilities as much as it's pragmatic.

TornApartByLisa · 12/01/2024 19:53

When he says he was considering a lodger, why didn't you just move in? Surely if you've been together 2 years you know whether you want a future together or not.

Original poster
Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:55

He does have a very well paid job and doesn't need the lodger to get by each month. He decided to do it so he can save extra money each month and also have extra spare money to spend on doing nice things etc

OP posts:
Olinguita · 12/01/2024 19:55

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

I agree with this. Plus if you guys are serious about each other after two years, why not expedite moving in together?

Original poster
Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:56

Because I have my own mortgage currently and its not as simple as just moving in with him. I would have to sell my home

OP posts:
Original poster
Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:59

SpursFan2 · 12/01/2024 19:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all OP - I think your feelings are completely valid on this. Is there any way you can talk to your boyfriend about how you feel?

We have talked about it alot. He is not willing to ask her to move out, even tho I feel very uncomfortable

OP posts:
ExtremelyJoyous · 12/01/2024 19:59

Yeah I would be annoyed with that actually.

Is there a reason that you’ve stalled on moving in together? Is it a joint decision to hold off or just one of you?

AgentJohnson · 12/01/2024 20:01

Why do you think it’s any of your business? I understand why he didn’t tell you because you would have again try to reignite a discussion that had already been litigated. It’s his home, he has the final say.

As for this woman being strange, what is strange about her spending most of her time in her new home? She has more of a right to be there than you do.

I’d be very interested in how your relationship progresses given this major difference in values. You are entitled to your opinion, your problem is that your opinion is out of step with your bf’s. If you continue to try and litigate a decision that isn’t yours to make, then I see trouble ahead.

I personally would have great difficulty with a partner who thought that they had an equal say in how I ran my home.

Daz57 · 12/01/2024 20:01

Did you consider both moving into one house and letting the other for a while?

Original poster
Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 20:02

ExtremelyJoyous · 12/01/2024 19:59

Yeah I would be annoyed with that actually.

Is there a reason that you’ve stalled on moving in together? Is it a joint decision to hold off or just one of you?

There's alot of differentiating circumstances around moving in together. It means I would have to sell my property I recently bought as I can't rent it out in my mortgage agreement

OP posts:
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