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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I wrong to dislike my boyfriends female lodger?

108 replies

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:19

So I'll explain the whole story so you get a clear picture around my situation...

Im a 30 yr old female, I've been with my boyfriend (35yrsold) for over 2 years now, he has his own place, and I have mine. We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet.

A few months back my boyfriend told me he was considering getting a lodger to rent his spare room out too, to bring in extra cash and help pay his bills etc. Although I wasn't exactly happy about his idea, (as I do spend alot of my time at his), I knew it was something he wanted to do and I couldn't sway his decision.

A few weeks after our initial conversation on the renting his spare room out... he tells me he has interviewed a female lodger and she is interested in renting his room. She is 32, (very similar in age to me). I am very shocked at his decision to pick a female (I assumed it was going to be a male lodger living with him), and she is also almost identical in age and profession to me. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger. He then says he will look to see if anyone else is interested in the room, and if not he will rent it to her.

Fast forward another 3/4 weeks and he is being very shady about me coming round to his house, he is always offering to come round to mine instead and if I ask to come over to his he is making up excuses. I suspected something was a little off, and asked him when the new lodger was moving in. He then says she moved in a week ago!!!!! He had not mentioned to me at all that she was moving in. I completely lost it, got very upset and sad and felt like I had been lied to and deceived on about this situation.

Now she is living there, the atmosphere in the house for me is very uncomfortable. I feel unsettled and just odd being there when I know she's in the house.. (in the bedroom next door to us). There's only 1 bathroom in the house so she obviously uses that too. She's always in and hardly ever goes out, other than to work her 8am to 4pm job. All she does is either sit in her bedroom and uses the kitchen for short periods to cook. My boyfriend now makes a conscious effort to be quiet in the evenings (which he never did before), and even whispers when we get into bed so he's more quiet and doesn't disturb her. I find her extremely odd, almost awkward around me...

Although I honestly don't think he would cheat on me with her, I just find the whole idea and situation of him living with a female lodger very uncomfortable.

Am I over reacting about this all? Or do I have rights to how I feel? Advice greatly needed! As I don't know if I'm over thinking it all

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 13/01/2024 02:48

Can your boyfriend move in with you?
Can he rent out the other room in his house.
That would give him even more savings and you would move in together faster if that is what you'd like.

I would not worry about the lodger.
I would make friends with her. Girls are often chosen as lodgers due to their lifestyle habits.

In future it would be more respectful if your boyfriend listened to genuine concerns and didn't hide things from you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2024 03:29

Are you sure you’re not just getting vibes that there’s something not quite right in the relationship? If you’ve been together over 2 years, that’s an awfully long time to not be ready to commit to the next stage.

Mybootsare · 13/01/2024 04:17

WristCandy · 12/01/2024 20:03

It's your boyfriend that is the issue, not the lodger herself. His behaviour is shady and odd, and now dismissive of you. He's shown you who he is, don't deflect from that by focusing on some random woman.

Yeah this really annoys me when women focus on another woman and choose to blame what’s wrong with their male partner /relationship on her.

I actually feel sorry for the lodger it’s seems like she’s picked up on the atmosphere. He was the one who chose to hide it and not properly discuss it with you . And ultimately she didn’t invade the house - your boyfriend who was actively looking for a lodger chose her and made an agreement with her .
She is a paying lodger unlike you.

I lived with a guy who had a girlfriend from another city come round on the weekends and initially she was fine but then she ended up being really weird with me.

The strange thing is her behaviour change came right after he had a female friend stay in his room overnight. I have no idea if anything happened but I suspect it did and he owned up to it and then she became paranoid about every woman. I left asap after that.

I wasn’t going to be made to feel awkward in somewhere I pay to stay - I hope your boyfriends lodger finds a better place to stay too.

@Ablepickle1234 As a pp said this is a you and him problem, not a her problem.

Mybootsare · 13/01/2024 04:35

Oriunda · 13/01/2024 02:21

I was a lodger once, with a work friend. When the female owner of the flat got a boyfriend, it irreparably damaged our friendship and I moved out as quickly as I could. Totally her right to have her boyfriend stay over, but it meant my staying in my room in the evening. Having to battle for the bathroom, especially in the morning when I needed to get ready for work. I felt resented. I also felt resentful, as I was paying a price that now included an additional person.

So I would assume your DP lodger is feeling your resentment and won’t be there long.

Yes, this. Especially the last sentence.

The girlfriends/boyfriends of landlords don’t seem to realise their positions in these situations. A lodger is paying while they’re an unpaid guest.

I used to get woken up by someone’s boyfriend every single day as they’d stay over most nights but leave at 5.30am on weekdays and my bedroom was near the front door. They’d also spread themselves over the couch so i had to eat my dinner in my bedroom.

I moved into a woman’s house after leaving the house of the one with the male flatmate/landlord and his unpleasant disapproving girlfriend. This woman had a serious boyfriend, but they both treated me with a lot of respect and consideration and it was nice that they spent a lot of time at his place too or just going out in his car so they weren’t taking over the flat all the time.

It was a much better set up and tbh after that I’d never tolerate being a lodger in a place where someone’s girlfriend disliked me or their boyfriend was inconsiderate again.

Nanaof1 · 13/01/2024 05:21

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:56

Because I have my own mortgage currently and its not as simple as just moving in with him. I would have to sell my home

But that doesn't answer the question as to why doesn't he move in with you? He could rent out his house if he has a mortgage on it. I would just be sure to protect my property in case you were to split up.

BlackAldi · 13/01/2024 05:30

Kindly, I think you have overreacted and need to show some trust. I expect he didn’t tell you she had moved in because he thought you’d be angry, which isn’t great but is understandable.

banjocat · 13/01/2024 06:29

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

Lol.

A man should earn enough money to keep his woman.

Are you living in the 1950's?

BananaOrangeApple · 13/01/2024 06:40

Surely it’s quite simple to move in, you could rent your place? Maybe he’s thinking about the future and is wanting to save more money for a bigger house. I see no issue with this. I’ve lived with someone of the opposite sex and it was the best lodger I had. And it sounds like he’s being considerate and not banging around when she might be sleeping. I don’t see an issue, can’t you just spend more time at yours if you find it uncomfortable?

TheGreatestAtuin · 13/01/2024 07:24

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

This!

Also if you've been together two years and are planning to move in together "in the very near future" then him getting a lodger all of a sudden is even more bizarre TBH.

Strange situation all around.

wellhello24 · 13/01/2024 07:28

Are you sure this is even a lodger and not the OW he’s been seeing for years? I’m half kidding.

Seriously though I totally get the need for a lodger if he was struggling- you say he’s not…taking in a lodger is a big move when you don’t need the money like you say he doesn’t.

yeh I too would assume he’d get a male lodger.
The key thing her for me is that he didnt respect you and your feelings in this. I doubt very much he’d be ok with you having a male lodger same age etc as him!

All the posters saying they’d be ok with their bf having a young female lodger…come onnnnnn! 😂 Do you know men at all?

AnneValentine · 13/01/2024 07:30

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:56

Because I have my own mortgage currently and its not as simple as just moving in with him. I would have to sell my home

No you wouldn’t. Rent it out.

GreatGateauxsby · 13/01/2024 07:32

YABVU

I was your boyfriend.
I was high earning and had a male lodger.

My boyfriend now husband was never weird about it
Never dictated how I lived in my home
Never made any controlling demands on me.

You have manufactured a load of drama she is probably tiptoeing about because you have created such an atmosphere

BustyLaRoux · 13/01/2024 07:34

Imagine a man telling his GF who she could rent her spare room to! MN would be all over that saying he’s got no right, he doesn’t pay rent, he’s controlling and jealous…. 🙄

slashlover · 13/01/2024 07:36

JustAnotherManicMomday · 12/01/2024 21:41

I would be asking him if he serious about your relationship because if he is, then surely the interview should have been joint. It would have given a clear indication you were a couple also bearing in mind that he plans on you moving in not too far down the line. His priority should have been making sure you felt comfortable with the lodger as if not how could the relationship move forward to the next stage of living together?

Surely OP recently buying a house recently would have given a clear indication that she wouldn't be moving in not too far down the line?

Lucyskywalker88 · 13/01/2024 07:37

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

This with big brass bells on !!

NoraBattysCurlers · 13/01/2024 07:50

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:59

We have talked about it alot. He is not willing to ask her to move out, even tho I feel very uncomfortable

Show quote history

Maybe it's not the lodger who needs her marching orders.

RedHelenB · 13/01/2024 07:56

KarenNotAKaren · 12/01/2024 19:46

You need to sort out your trust issues before you get more serious. This poor woman is probably feeling the coldness from you in her own home. Her worst crime is staying in? Come on OP get a grip.

This. It's not OPs house and the red flags are from her trying to control her boyfriend.

NoraBattysCurlers · 13/01/2024 08:01

All the posters saying they’d be ok with their bf having a young female lodger…come onnnnnn! 😂 Do you know men at all?

Err, if we were concerned about the bf and the female lodger, we would realise that the bf needs to go and not the lodger!

TheMixedGirl · 13/01/2024 08:02

People who say OP is Iver reacting are way off I feel. If your partner can't even tell you when the lodger has moved in (who is a female) then it's shady.
He's been shady about it since the beginning. He knows it's offkey that's why.
I'm not one to say dump him but this shows form. You need to consider if he is right for you.

DoodlesMam · 13/01/2024 08:04

this would be a deal breaker for me. it's a major red flag. bye bye mr bloke.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 13/01/2024 08:05

TheMixedGirl · 13/01/2024 08:02

People who say OP is Iver reacting are way off I feel. If your partner can't even tell you when the lodger has moved in (who is a female) then it's shady.
He's been shady about it since the beginning. He knows it's offkey that's why.
I'm not one to say dump him but this shows form. You need to consider if he is right for you.

It might be shady yes, but it also might be he knows she’s incredibly jealous and insecure and would have a major problem with it, so really it took him time to tell her, as he knew the reaction he would get.

and no that reaction is not a reason not to proceed. He can’t allow the op to make her problems his.

InFiveMins · 13/01/2024 08:06

Could be that she's his girlfriend not his lodger? I'd insist on going round to meet her and introduce myself.

Loulou599 · 13/01/2024 08:12

Really, how dare you try and passively aggressively dictate what somebody else does with their property?

Obviously he is the landlord and can do what he likes but I can only imagine how frustrating it is to be a lodger where your landlord has his snooty girlfriend around all the time. He is obviously trying to show respect for her by spending more time at yours and keeping his voice down when you guys get in.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 13/01/2024 08:16

But she's not done anything wrong. If you dislike anyone in this scenario, it should be your boyfriend.

Wheresthefibre · 13/01/2024 08:16

He should have been upfront that she was moving in.

However, you seem to have a lot opinions on how you have the right to feel in his home.

It is his home and he has made decisions about what he is doing with it and who is living there. He has made it clear he won’t ask her to move out. You can’t dictate that. You can decide what you do next.

I don’t understand what the fact that she is a similar age and does a similar job to you has to do with anything. Or why you are annoyed she doesn’t seem to do much apart from work. Or that he is quiet. He now shares his house with someone. She pays to live there. For now, thats her home. She doesn’t need to go out and find things to do, because you want to hang out in his home. Being quiet is considerate. It’s entirely normal when someone else lives in your house. But I don’t get why this bothers you.

The fact that you mentioned these makes me think that this is more about you. And the fact that he won’t do what you want him to. And maybe about your insecurities.

If he wanted to cheat, he would. He didn’t need a lodger or one that happens to be a similar age or do a similar job. If he has thing for people who do your job and you think he moved her in so he can have sex with her, why would you be with him at all?