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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I wrong to dislike my boyfriends female lodger?

108 replies

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:19

So I'll explain the whole story so you get a clear picture around my situation...

Im a 30 yr old female, I've been with my boyfriend (35yrsold) for over 2 years now, he has his own place, and I have mine. We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet.

A few months back my boyfriend told me he was considering getting a lodger to rent his spare room out too, to bring in extra cash and help pay his bills etc. Although I wasn't exactly happy about his idea, (as I do spend alot of my time at his), I knew it was something he wanted to do and I couldn't sway his decision.

A few weeks after our initial conversation on the renting his spare room out... he tells me he has interviewed a female lodger and she is interested in renting his room. She is 32, (very similar in age to me). I am very shocked at his decision to pick a female (I assumed it was going to be a male lodger living with him), and she is also almost identical in age and profession to me. I tell him I am not particularly happy about it being a female lodger. He then says he will look to see if anyone else is interested in the room, and if not he will rent it to her.

Fast forward another 3/4 weeks and he is being very shady about me coming round to his house, he is always offering to come round to mine instead and if I ask to come over to his he is making up excuses. I suspected something was a little off, and asked him when the new lodger was moving in. He then says she moved in a week ago!!!!! He had not mentioned to me at all that she was moving in. I completely lost it, got very upset and sad and felt like I had been lied to and deceived on about this situation.

Now she is living there, the atmosphere in the house for me is very uncomfortable. I feel unsettled and just odd being there when I know she's in the house.. (in the bedroom next door to us). There's only 1 bathroom in the house so she obviously uses that too. She's always in and hardly ever goes out, other than to work her 8am to 4pm job. All she does is either sit in her bedroom and uses the kitchen for short periods to cook. My boyfriend now makes a conscious effort to be quiet in the evenings (which he never did before), and even whispers when we get into bed so he's more quiet and doesn't disturb her. I find her extremely odd, almost awkward around me...

Although I honestly don't think he would cheat on me with her, I just find the whole idea and situation of him living with a female lodger very uncomfortable.

Am I over reacting about this all? Or do I have rights to how I feel? Advice greatly needed! As I don't know if I'm over thinking it all

OP posts:

Vitriolinsanity · 12/01/2024 20:03

Ablepickle1234 · 12/01/2024 19:56

Because I have my own mortgage currently and its not as simple as just moving in with him. I would have to sell my home

Or one of you could rent your home,

WristCandy · 12/01/2024 20:03

It's your boyfriend that is the issue, not the lodger herself. His behaviour is shady and odd, and now dismissive of you. He's shown you who he is, don't deflect from that by focusing on some random woman.

Vitriolinsanity · 12/01/2024 20:04

X post. Apologies. Why can't he rent his?

candlelog · 12/01/2024 20:05

I think the whole thing is weird. He doesn't need the money but gets a young female lodger anyway. You've been going out 2 years and talked about moving in. Either he's messing you about or his lodger. How long does he think he'll have a lodger for?

I just don't think he's that committed to you, sorry.

Ledwood85 · 12/01/2024 20:07

So you bought a property on your own, recently, despite being in a relationship where you would have surely considered the possibility of moving in together and one of the properties would have to go?

I mean this in the kindest way, but it seems like you're sending out the message that you're not seeing a future with him and he's using this lodger nonsense as his rebuttal.

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 20:07

With respect OP, you have contradicted yourself, you said in your initial post that it was to help him out with bills. So which one is it? I’m sorry, this is a huge red flag and I wouldn’t be pleased about this situation at all.

theduchessofspork · 12/01/2024 20:08

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 19:44

Very unpopular opinion alert

if you are seriously, considering a future with this man, I’d be concerned about the following… Firstly, a man in his mid 30s, who needs a second income from a lodger to help him through the basics in life, such as paying the bills.

Secondly, the fact that he has not taken your feelings into consideration, and hid the lodger’s presence from you initially, is also a huge red flag.

It’s more of a very out of date opinion alert.

Mortgages and bills are very expensive and it’s normal to have a lodger, either to just pay off your mortgage faster or just to get by. This was true even before the cost of living crisis (if news of that has reached you PP).

OP your relationship comes across as somewhat weird - more like two people in their early 20s who haven’t learned how to communicate and don’t know each other well, not two people in their early 30s who’ve been going out for two years.

Arguably you are being weirder than him - objecting to a female lodger (for shame!) and disliking a person you don’t know because of a slightly awkward living situation, vs him childishly avoiding introducing you to her because he knew it would provoke a row.

Anyway, what I would do is try living together but don’t go selling your flat, because this one may not be the right one for you. I think you need to address your trust issues, he needs to assert himself, and you both need to communicate better.

thinslicedham · 12/01/2024 20:08

I can see why you're not happy with him having a woman in his home, but I also see why he might prefer a woman lodger. He may feel she's more likely to treat the place well, not make a huge mess, etc.

As for her attitude, she may just be shy, and she can probably tell you're uncomfortable with her, which will make her feel awkward, too.

YANBU to be annoyed with him for lying about when she was moving in and (possibly) not taking your objections seriously, but it's not the lodger's fault. She hasn't done anything wrong, just because she's a woman about your age who likes to stay in her paid-for room when she's not working.

Paininthederriere · 12/01/2024 20:09

Other than needing the money & /or wanting the company, I can’t see why your partner has opened his home up to a lodger.

To be sharing a bathroom with a lodger is quite a step so it sounds to me that your partner is either not being honest with you about his finances, actively wants the company of another person at home or hasn’t thought this through & the impact this arrangement was likely to have on you both.

Is he quite ok with keeping noise down & sharing his communal spaces with her?

Is it only a problem when you’re there because when it’s just him he’s happy to restrict his living to accommodate another person & he thinks because you have two homes - you may as well spend it at one of them & make money out of the other?

I wouldn’t like it but how soon are you both out of shared living? ie has your partner always shared until he was able to afford his own space? Is this the same for you?

I think it really needs discussing. Like when he suggested having a lodger presumably you asked or found out why?

Them being make or female would have exactly the same impact in terms of adjusting to them sharing the communal space.

So why didn’t you object then? Or raise concerns about how their presence would impact you both in terms of using the bathroom, noise etc.

Is she attractive & does this aspect bother you?

What do you want & do you really want to be the one living with him??

Difficult - but giving you the perfect opportunity to discuss your future goals & whether they align.

Good luck!

Str8talkin · 12/01/2024 20:09

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

OnlyYesterday · 12/01/2024 20:12

I don't see the problem with this. Maybe because I've grown up in London and done the whole flat-sharing shite. I own a two bed flat and am also considering a lodger to get some extra money. I'm my experience most lodgers (including me when I was lodging) spend most of their time in their room and keep themselves to themselves. That's exactly what she sounds like she's doing. You're sensing an uncomfortableness round her because you're making everything uncomfortable. You'd be ok if he got a male lodger that was there most of the time he's not working but not ok because she's female? It sounds completely driven by insecurity and like you're projecting. Do you trust your boyfriend?

Workaholic99 · 12/01/2024 20:15

He didn't exactly lie to you, in fact he told you up front; so I think you are being unreasonable and blowing this out of proportion. You even say that you doubt he would cheat so what's the issue.

Why can't he come to yours instead. You are a 30yr old woman stop acting like a 16yr old. There is a financial crisis at the moment so I completely understand his desire to get some financial support through a lodger.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2024 20:16

He shouldn't have lied. But he lied because you were unreasonable about it when he mentioned it.

Either you think he'll try sleeping with her or you don't
If you don't then her sex is irrelevant.
Walking into the bathroom to a half naked hairy stranger man isn't nicer than walking in on a female. Having a strange man hearing you have sex isn't nicer than having a female hear you. Being considerate to a male re noise isn't preferable to being considerate to a woman.

So I'd pull him up in lying but conceded I shouldn't have reacted how I did.

Dunno him if you want, there's no rules against it. Or put up with it until you're prepared to pay half the bills.

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 20:17

If you don’t think he’s going to cheat on you, why does it specifically matter that she’s a woman?

Spoiler alert: just because you fancy your boyfriend, that doesn’t mean everyone does. I doubt he’s much of a catch, and she is highly unlikely to want to shag her landlord. If your think your boyfriend wants to shag her, then clearly you DO think he’ll cheat on you, so your problem should be with him, not this poor woman who has done literally nothing wrong.

You ‘dislike’ this woman that you don’t even know, who spends most of her time in her room or at work, for absolutely no reason at all other than that she answered an advert for a room to rent and is a woman. Misogynistic, much?

Lastly, if he needs a lodger to help with the bills, he needs one. You’re not in any position to have a say in this. You don’t live with him and you have separate finances.

coxesorangepippin · 12/01/2024 20:19

Is she attractive?

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 20:20

I find her extremely odd, almost awkward around me.…

It’s because she knows you hate her. HTH.

TrickyD · 12/01/2024 20:21

If you have room, get yourself a male lodger and see how BF likes that.

mrsclaus1984 · 12/01/2024 20:21

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

This is not about me, it’s about the OP, it’s my opinion and so I’m not getting into an argument with you about it, and will not be replying to you again. I can only assume you are new to the Internet. Welcome

SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2024 20:23

You need to articulate what makes you uncomfortable.

A stranger in the place you see as your home. Doesn't matter the sex.

DP fancying her and making a move given she's the same age and job as you 🙄. Dump him.

Her making a move and DP not being able to resist. Dump him.

Her making a move, him rejecting her and it being weird. It would make it awkward, but it's hardly his fault. It's not like you would have anything to moan about.

She'll start ironing his shirt and cooking his dinner, she'll slowly take over from you and then one day stab you with something lethal, hide your remains and slip into his bed. He'll make love to her not knowing it's you until after. She'll pretend you found out and left. She'll be his new woman and no one will ever get near him again. It's life not a movie.

C1N1C · 12/01/2024 20:25

I see this as he didn't want to tell you because he knew you'd flip. You expressed a disapproval for the situation, but at the end of the day, it's his house, his income, and his say.

Him keeping quiet is nothing more than consideration. The walls are probably thin and he doesn't want your voices to carry and annoy her.

The fact you're there should be enough to dissuade her if she has any interest. If you had a potential male housemate, would you be ok if he insisted on a female? You'd probably understand, but wouldn't see the big issue and he'd probably be deemed controlling in here...

Spomsored · 12/01/2024 20:26

I think most people (both male and female) would prefer a female lodger. Would you not be even more uncomfortable with an unknown man in the house? I feel very sorry for the lodger stuck in her bedroom, only coming out to cook. It's obviously not a full houseshare but would you feel more comfortable if you knew her better/sometimes shared a living room?

I think your bf should listen to your feelings but you shouldn't dictate who he rents his spare room to and you seem to dislike this woman for no good reason.

OhwhyOY · 12/01/2024 20:28

I think yabu about the lodger because it shouldn't matter what sex she is if you trust your partner. Also more money will help you and his future. However yanbu to be upset he didn't tell you, that is cowardly and I would be unhappy. Re your mortgage could you not explore with your current lender the possibility of converting to a buy to let mortgage?

heyitsthistle · 12/01/2024 20:29

OnlyYesterday · 12/01/2024 20:12

This is what I thought, too. Having a lodger brings in a bit of extra cash. Even if he has a well paying job an extra couple hundred a month is no bad thing.

I have rented my spare room to both male and female lodgers in the past and it has never been an issue. Partner didn't mind because it was a practical thing to do.

What is making you insecure?

Edit: YANBU to be livid about him not telling you about her actually moving in though! That's no good.

DewHopper · 12/01/2024 20:29

I think that the lodger is nutty to want to move in with a man that I presume she does not not well.

Rewis · 12/01/2024 20:33

I find her extremely odd, almost awkward around me...

I'm absolutely certain she's awkward around you. Being a lodger is an awkward dynamic especially when the owner is new to it. There is no way to nto be awkward around the girlfriend who spends time there.

I can understand you are not thrilled about this. But try to think why. Is it because you feel like your boyfriend lied? Because you think he will cheat? Cause he'd rather live with another woman? Cause you wnat privacy?

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