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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being shocked by my husbands behaviour ?

84 replies

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:32

Hello everyone,I need some advice as i am being to feel very unresonable.I F 34 and husband 36 have a child with disabilities.
Before we got married we didn't discuss kids at all,we both assumed that we want them one day.
A week after marrying I got pregnant and it was unplanned.
I wasn't ready to have a child but didn't consider abortion ,my husband said maybe we should not keep it.
Our son is now 7 and everytime things get hard with our son and husband gets upset he tells me that I should solely care for him and its not fair to ask him for help since he had asked for an abortion back then.
This is only when he is inconvenienced by the sons behaviour.
I get upset all the time but I have never wished for the abortion as I love my son and even though life is hard is also full with love and purpose.
I know he loves his son deep down but am I unreasonable of being shocked about the things he says ?
I find it very unethical since our son is now here born and well.
Some perspective on this would be very helpful .
Thank you

OP posts:
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 12/01/2024 13:35

I couldn't be with a man with this attitude to our child. Sorry, but I'd leave him.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/01/2024 13:35

My MIL says if you play the lottery you risk winning ie If he didn't want to father a child he should have kept it in his pants. Unwanted pg is a risk you take everytime you have sex.

Original poster
Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:37

Thank you ,I have left him.
It's been a month and he is trying to galight me into thinking this is normal so I take him back.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 12/01/2024 13:37

That's awful, he's literally wishing his son dead at this stage, you can't change the past! I couldn't be with him, I couldn't kiss him, love him, be with him for another moment.

Somatosensational · 12/01/2024 13:37

Fucking hell

Lex345 · 12/01/2024 13:38

Appalling. YANBU. Call him out on it, he needs to never say those words again.

comedycentral · 12/01/2024 13:38

Just saw your last post, I am so glad you are not with him. Stay strong 💪

Xccccc · 12/01/2024 13:38

Your husband is awful. This is one of the most distressing things I've ever read. I hope you have support from friends or family because you need to get away from this man for your sons sake.

LuluBlakey1 · 12/01/2024 13:40

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:37

Thank you ,I have left him.
It's been a month and he is trying to galight me into thinking this is normal so I take him back.

It isn't normal. It's a cruel and horrible thing to say and he must think it to ever have said it.

Don't have him back. You and your son deserve much better.

Falkenburg · 12/01/2024 13:40

The time to split up should have been when the callous bastard suggested that you have an abortion.

How can you even stand to be in the same room with him let alone in the same bed?

He is the lowest of the low.

Allinadayswork80 · 12/01/2024 13:41

Wow what an AH! Glad you’ve left him, no excuse for basically saying that he wants his son dead! Horrible nasty man.

Chatterboxy · 12/01/2024 13:42

What an utterly vile man!

mumsytoon · 12/01/2024 13:42

I'm glad you left him. Your poor ds will pick up on this. What a cruel man to say this, with your ds here and 7yo.

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 12/01/2024 13:42

It's good that you've left him.

Now do everything you can to protect your son and to keep him away from a man who wishes he was dead.

Neodymium · 12/01/2024 13:43

I hope your son never heard him say that. How awful. I’m glad you have left him

Original poster
Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:44

I have told his mum a few times and she was shocked but now that I left him and have filed for divorce she is saying that her son was not ready and I wanted a child.All this while his mother was begging me to have another child with him !
He was also doing a lot more things like send sexual texts to strangers online,call me fat and ugly whenever it suit him only to say later that he was joking and the list goes on.
After 8 years of this i packed my things ,left our home and I rented a house.
His family is calling me for me to get back together ,saying he is going to change and that I easily gave up on my marriage.
I am currently in therapy as I am in a state of confusion all the time from the level of gaslighting.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 12/01/2024 13:46

I'd only reconsider things if he recognised how awful his behaviour is and was open to speaking to a GP about potential mental health support or something.

Mothership4two · 12/01/2024 13:47

I'm so glad you are not with him. Completely abnormal comments and actually quite sick. He sounds incredibly selfish - "disabled son, poor me"

WhatNoRaisins · 12/01/2024 13:47

Actually it sounds like you're well past that point 😔

Hatty65 · 12/01/2024 13:50

His family is calling me for me to get back together ,saying he is going to change and that I easily gave up on my marriage.

My response to this would be to tell the lot of them to Fuck Off. He's disgusting - an utter disgrace. What kind of human being openly states that a disabled child should have been aborted? About their own child???

I'd have filed for divorce the first time he said this. There is nothing normal about him. Or his mother. They should be ashamed of themselves, but they clearly don't have the self awareness to realise quite how revolting other people find them.

AreYouShittingMe · 12/01/2024 13:51

Just wanted to say well done and keep strong. Glad you are in therapy to get the support you need and deserve.
It's none of his families business. You need to treat yourself and your son with the respect you both deserve, which it sounds like you are doing.

Original poster
Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:51

He says he is depressed but i have been depressed all my life too and never said stuff like that.
Even if he changes ,I fear this is his personality and that can't be changed that easily.
I feel abused and love is gone.
I only hope he changes for himself and the son because I am done.
His family is also gaslighitng me so thank you for all your reassuring comments as at this point I feel I am going crazy.

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/01/2024 13:52

I'm glad you've left him OP. Anyone who can look at their own child and say repeatedly they wanted them aborted, whether because they mean it or to control you, has a deeply flawed character. You and your son are better away from him. His coldness and cruelty smacks of psychopathy.

Cornettoninja · 12/01/2024 13:53

If it helps you don’t sound like your actions have been confused, you’ve made rational and hard decisions to protect your child and yourself. I bet the arguments they’re flinging your way are all to make them feel better about your ex’s words and actions,

Be confident that you are the best person to make decisions about your current and future life. You are the best person to make decisions for your child due to the simple fact you’re not wishing his existence away every time things get tough. Your ex and his family can twist it however they like to try and make events more palatable to live with - you don’t have to do that or play along with their version of reality. Remember that, they’re the ones insisting only their version of reality is the correct one despite you being the one who lived it.

Original poster
Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:57

They always thought I had empty threats when I was saying I am going leave him.
I was on a spouse visa and I felt trapped.
My life was great in my country (Albania) but support for ASD children is limited.
Now I have my citizenship and son is finally attending a specialised school.
I am so proud of myself when i left and that feeling beats everything.
son is happier and less stressed.

OP posts:
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