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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being shocked by my husbands behaviour ?

84 replies

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:32

Hello everyone,I need some advice as i am being to feel very unresonable.I F 34 and husband 36 have a child with disabilities.
Before we got married we didn't discuss kids at all,we both assumed that we want them one day.
A week after marrying I got pregnant and it was unplanned.
I wasn't ready to have a child but didn't consider abortion ,my husband said maybe we should not keep it.
Our son is now 7 and everytime things get hard with our son and husband gets upset he tells me that I should solely care for him and its not fair to ask him for help since he had asked for an abortion back then.
This is only when he is inconvenienced by the sons behaviour.
I get upset all the time but I have never wished for the abortion as I love my son and even though life is hard is also full with love and purpose.
I know he loves his son deep down but am I unreasonable of being shocked about the things he says ?
I find it very unethical since our son is now here born and well.
Some perspective on this would be very helpful .
Thank you

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/01/2024 14:06

I bet he is OP. You've done the single best thing you could have done to help him have a safe, happy childhood and grow into an adult with healthy self esteem. Honestly, you can't put a price on freeing your son from his father's toxicity. I wish you all the best for your future.

Hatenewyear · 12/01/2024 14:09

Thank goodness you've left your husband, what a truly disgusting creature he sounds. Good luck with your life.

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 14:12

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:37

Thank you ,I have left him.
It's been a month and he is trying to galight me into thinking this is normal so I take him back.

You have done absolutely the right thing by leaving him.

His behaviour was absolutely not normal. It was awful.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 12/01/2024 14:14

He’s vile. Not just about his own child but the things he says about you. You’ve done the right thing. You’re very very strong, even if you don’t realise it.

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 14:14

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:57

They always thought I had empty threats when I was saying I am going leave him.
I was on a spouse visa and I felt trapped.
My life was great in my country (Albania) but support for ASD children is limited.
Now I have my citizenship and son is finally attending a specialised school.
I am so proud of myself when i left and that feeling beats everything.
son is happier and less stressed.

I am SO pleased that you've got your citizenship and that your son is happy in his school. Well done for being strong enough to leave this horrible man, and for making a life here for yourself and your son :)

FatFemale · 12/01/2024 14:18

You sound like a great supportive mum. Your son is lucky to have you. Im glad to hear you are divorcing this loser. Things will get better x

Peachy2005 · 12/01/2024 14:19

Well done @Eferr - it’s so nice to read about a strong woman putting her child ahead of a manchild and not letting him or his family gaslight you. I hope you will inspire other women here. Stay strong!

Janetsmug · 12/01/2024 14:21

Sounds like it's time to limit contact/communication with him and his family OP, you will be so much less stressed without the constant gaslighting. Have a think about how you can close down all lines of communication other than what's necessary for arrangements for the children etc, redraw the boundaries now so that you are in control and they can't continue to pressure you. Well done for leaving, he is a despicable person to say that about his own son Flowers

minou123 · 12/01/2024 14:23

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:57

They always thought I had empty threats when I was saying I am going leave him.
I was on a spouse visa and I felt trapped.
My life was great in my country (Albania) but support for ASD children is limited.
Now I have my citizenship and son is finally attending a specialised school.
I am so proud of myself when i left and that feeling beats everything.
son is happier and less stressed.

I am so proud of myself

Absolutely 😁 and if it doesn't sound too wanky, even though I dont know you, I'm proud of you too.

He really is a piece of shit. And to be honest. His mum is not much better.

In my opinion, its a form of emotional abuse and a way to control you.
He only said it when he was trying to get out of his responsibility of being a parent.

Presumably he was perfectly happy to be a dad when everything was going OK or it suited him to play the dad role.

Essentially it's "I dont want to do x, y, z, but I'm.going to look like a fucking bad shitty dad if I don't do it. How can i make sure i dont look like a piss poor excuse of a father? I know I'll blame Eferr. After all, it's not my fault I'm a fucking awful dad, it's actually hers"

Unfortunately, his mum and some of your relatives have fallen for it.

Remember, it's the a rule of misogyny: women are responsible for men's bad behaviour.

Falkenburg · 12/01/2024 14:23

I missed the post that you said you've left him a month ago.

Well done, that is the best thing you could ever have done for yourself and for your son.

MiIz · 12/01/2024 14:32

What a twat he is

followingthebreath · 12/01/2024 14:37

You've been so strong and put your child and yourself first, well done, wishing you huge good wishes for the future - I think things will get better and better for you now. This is the beginning of a new chapter for you.

LenaLamont · 12/01/2024 14:39

You are well rid of this loser.

Original poster
Eferr · 12/01/2024 14:47

He using everything to manipulate me ,saying is harder for him to deal with son because man don't understand disability ,it's my fault because I have ASD (diagnosed only after sons diagnosis ),If sons was not ASD he could be a better dad,my son takes after my side of family because we are all stupid and crazy.
Now he is saying I am a bad mum because I took his son away and accused me of using him and then leaving him because I got a high paying job!
No accountability at all.

OP posts:
Janetsmug · 12/01/2024 14:49

Eferr · 12/01/2024 14:47

He using everything to manipulate me ,saying is harder for him to deal with son because man don't understand disability ,it's my fault because I have ASD (diagnosed only after sons diagnosis ),If sons was not ASD he could be a better dad,my son takes after my side of family because we are all stupid and crazy.
Now he is saying I am a bad mum because I took his son away and accused me of using him and then leaving him because I got a high paying job!
No accountability at all.

Please stop listening OP, you're separated now, you don't have to listen to him anymore.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 12/01/2024 14:50

He’s a total arsehole, but well done for escaping!!

You know that both you and DS will be happier if you don’t reconcile with DH so leave it all as it is. Is he providing child support?

pickledandpuzzled · 12/01/2024 14:57

He is a pillock. He is saying anything he can think of to make you ‘come back and behave yourself’. He has no interest in being a good man, good dad or good husband.

He’s a selfish bellend who wants you to facilitate his life while does sweet Fanny Adams.

Well done you for proving your strength and doing what is right for you and your son.

Original poster
Eferr · 12/01/2024 15:02

@WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome Yes so far ,but we are disagreeing about the house.
When we married his family provided the deposit for our mortgage and I didn't contribute anything.That house was sold and we bought one a year ago where the mortgage is in both names.
His family claims I shouldn't take anything because its their house.
I told them that we can return the deposit money to you but whatever else is left half is mine as I have the child and also being paying mortgage for 8 years.
They claim only he has payed more as I and to leave my full time job and work part time to care for the child.
They even said its better if I don't get anything as council might give me a house if I play it right.
I have a high income and I don't want to get a council house someone might truly need ,they bully me for being honest and empathetic towards other people saying I am too nice.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 12/01/2024 15:02

Wow, he's the lowest of the low lowlifes!

AutumnFroglets · 12/01/2024 15:13

I'm glad you have left but please don't go back. I see you mentioning his family a lot and what they say. Please block them. You do not need to speak to them at all so stop talking to them and get some peace for yourself.

Kittenkitty · 12/01/2024 15:14

Please stop talking to them and start talking to a lawyer. Half that house is yours wherever the deposit came from. And it sounds like you and your son will need that money for him to have a secure future. Well done on leaving and good luck in your new life.

NCfor24 · 12/01/2024 15:16

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:37

Thank you ,I have left him.
It's been a month and he is trying to galight me into thinking this is normal so I take him back.

You've done the right thing....100%
Don't go back.

Zanatdy · 12/01/2024 15:16

Sorry I’d be asking him to pack his bags, that’s shocking

Muchof · 12/01/2024 15:19

Eferr · 12/01/2024 13:37

Thank you ,I have left him.
It's been a month and he is trying to galight me into thinking this is normal so I take him back.

Good decision. Your son will be better off for it.

NCfor24 · 12/01/2024 15:21

Didn't read it all and commented too soon.

Definitely take legal advice and fight for your half of the house. And I'd go no contact with his family too and just deal with him re legalities and nothing else. Don't be drawn into conversation.