My son (18) wants to be a sperm donor!

[Hedgehogscanclimbtrees]

I have found out that my son has an appointment at a sperm donor clinic tomorrow! I tried to speak with him about it, but he just said that he's 18 now and he wants the money. I tried to explain the enormity of becoming a FATHER but he dismissed that and said it wasn't the same thing. I pointed out that, by law, children can contact their sperm donor fathers once they are 18, but he was unbothered. I feel he is doing this just because it's £35 for a wank, with no thought about potential consequenses & impact on his future life & future relationships.
If I were thinking about settling down or starting a family with a man, it would put me off to think that he had been that cavalier about his sperm in the past. I would also worry about multiple children turning up! AIBU???

Cheer up OP, you might get to meet Davina one day.

Why would you be devastated? I wouldn't be bothered at all.

Because my children would no longer be my husband’s only children. It could mean a future invited to a wedding, where another woman also shares a baby with my husband. Or a future with an extra member of the family I don’t want and didn’t seek out to get. What if the offspring’s mum died and all they had left in the world was their bio father?

My husband might decide to pursue the relationship with his offspring, out of duty or guilt or maybe curiosity. He might feel he wants to give family money for birthdays, Christmas or leave some in his will. Money that I wouldn’t be up for sharing.

There would be embarrassment, “Hi mum, this is Jo. Jo is your son in laws daughter from when he was a sperm donor. Yeah we didn’t know until now”.

This individual might look like my husband, but not be mine. That would make me feel sick.

These are just some of the reasons that given the information in advance I would refuse a relationship with a donor.

I know I am this way and that I would think of the absolute worst case scenario, so I would avoid this situation as otherwise, I would feel devastated.

I had sperm donation via IUI and IVF in the UK. This country has a huge shortage of donors the ones we picked from were undergoing treatment at the clinic and gave donations as a way of discounting their treatment. They weren't just randoms off the street, they are also very heavily screened.
That didn't work for us sadly so we went abroad and I'm now pregnant with a donor embryo, the sperm donor was a 19 year old Czech student. The law there states that the donors remain anonymous and they do get paid but not a huge amount. It's a weird situation to get your head round and I don't know how I'd feel on the other side or how that Czech student feels. However it has given me my only chance to carry a child so I will be eternally grateful, my child will know how it was brought in to the world and I hope will understand that we are her family she is just very special.

I wouldn't be devastated, but some of these are things that would cross my mind. It's a risk, ultimately.

For a long time in human history, it was possible to be the biological parent of a child and be anonymous, and now that's gone, because of home DNA testing and the internet. It's a very new state of affairs and I wouldn't have full confidence that we've settled all the potential implications of that yet. Laws and/or social norms could really change, we just don't know.

Fair enough! You feel how you feel. None of this would bother me -- it seems very much you-centred.

@JRTfan no one is anonymous anymore, DNA & less so all the time, that’s if your child decides to find the identity of their father. The real parents are those that raise you. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Wishing you well.

Let him get on with it, he won't do it too much I'm sure. I'd start to hate it if it began to feel like work 🤷‍♂️

Bloody hell, £35? How much would it cost the woman when she uses it?

I think it’s £35 per clinic visit and they have to visit the clinic many times.

That said, one sample is divided into several “straws” and if buying from a UK sperm bank, you can expect to pay about £1,000-£2,000 per straw. So it might be the most valuable substance on earth.

YANBU and I'd be upping his rent massively if I found out he was doing this.

Why?

@girljulian
I am a selfish person in some ways, for myself and my son. I’m very generous in others. But a surprise offspring would not be welcome. I admit wholeheartedly to being that way.

It’s a good job though, that there are people out there who wouldn’t mind, like yourself, as hearing the pp’s story about donors being her only route to having a child, it is important that some men do donate.

But op’s son could find himself falling for someone more like myself than you and that would be a shame if he’s only doing this for the money and so young.

He won’t get accepted anyway so it’s irrelevant.

As a woman who will be looking for a donor in the next year, I wouldn’t entertain using an 18 year old student.

So it’s all about you then?

You sound very insecure about your husband.

🙄 🙄 She’s not thinking about starting a family with her son and, unless you’re unbelievably thick, you must realise that.

@Supernova23

Why would I want to find out he had another child? What are the benefits there for my family holistically?
It’s not about secure with my husband, it’s about what would be an obstacle to a straightforward life.

If one has a radiator for a head, are things more likely to pass over it?

It wouldn't be your problem anyway if multiple children turned up, they aren't going to come to your house as hopefully your DS will have proper employment by then and have his own house, either rented or bought.

I can understand why you're upset OP. These 'donations' could lead to some real life babies who will be related to him and you. Your grandchildren!

However, they will never be his children or your grandchildren. They will be the children of whomever raises them. Biologically part of your family, but not socially. Any potential child may well come seek him out when they're 18, but that doesn't mean they or he will want a relationship.

All you can do is educate him (if he is prepared to listen) and hope for the best. He may find he has 'stage fright' when he gets there.

He's an adult whether you like it or not.

People these days seem to find it hard to accept that 18 year olds are allowed to make decisions

The thing with that though is that he can donate 4 times a week for a year. You’re not giving him £35, you’re giving him £1600.

Hmm. The OP doesn’t stop being a parent just because her teenage son has turned 18. You still want to protect them from themselves and others. If one of my kids wanted to get a face tattoo for example, I wouldn’t just shrug and say ‘your choice’, I’d try to persuade him not to or to wait for a bit.

It’s recommended that you only donate 10 times if you are doing it ethically and responsibly. Offer him £350. If he doesn’t accept say his rent is increasing (by more than what he will make selling sperm)

This.

YABU OP and ridiculous. (And narrow minded / judgemental).