My son (18) wants to be a sperm donor!

[Hedgehogscanclimbtrees]

I have found out that my son has an appointment at a sperm donor clinic tomorrow! I tried to speak with him about it, but he just said that he's 18 now and he wants the money. I tried to explain the enormity of becoming a FATHER but he dismissed that and said it wasn't the same thing. I pointed out that, by law, children can contact their sperm donor fathers once they are 18, but he was unbothered. I feel he is doing this just because it's £35 for a wank, with no thought about potential consequenses & impact on his future life & future relationships.
If I were thinking about settling down or starting a family with a man, it would put me off to think that he had been that cavalier about his sperm in the past. I would also worry about multiple children turning up! AIBU???

ds and a bunch of his friends signed up for the same thing at uni. None of them went through with it as it was all much more hassle than they originally thought.

How did they get the address?

Surprised how many people are thinking this is fine. Obviously he’s technically an adult and you can’t stop him, but I’m glad you’ve given him all the facts and I’d be upset at the thought too.
Whilst he won’t be fathering a child exactly, or be responsible for them in any way, he could end up with children trying to contact him in years to come and will have a lot to deal with then. And as you say, I’d certainly be reluctant to get into a serious relationship with someone where this may happen/not be at all happy if this did happen!
Again, nothing you can do except give him the facts but it is crazy that the age for it is so young.

I can understand your concerns but ultimately it's his choice. The clinic will talk to him about future implications.
Yes, it's correct that any resulting child can make contact with him when they become an adult, and they may form a relationship if they both want to, but to clarify, he will not be their father, he will only ever be their donor.

@Justinpassing it’s incredibly straightforward to identify most if you know how.

No adult children will come knocking on any doors. The donor will be contacted and asked if they wish to have contact.

Well, maybe, but I’d still be interested to know!

Eighteen years is a long time and not many people would be living at the same address (I accept some will be) and even if you did know the address, would most people really ‘knock on the door’?

@Justinpassing if anyone tests at AncestryDNA, it’s usually possible to find out who they are in time. Even if you don’t have the right name.

It's not like someone turning up from a ons.

It was £4 in the 1970s

He would be better to do medical trials as you get paid for them rather than just the small payment towards expenses

I doubt many men donate sperm for altruistic reasons…..

I’m sure their reasons to donate are
money based as opposed to them sympathising with and caring about infertile couples and wanting to be able to give them a gift….

But the address is not included, or is it?

some donate as they like the idea of kids out there with their dna

Tracked down via social media, combined with people willing to give it, or the electoral register/phone records etc. We were listed in the phone book, we had a knock from someone wanting to track their father. She'd been adopted, even though her father wanted to keep her. My DH via other family got in touch with her father. He gave instant permission for her to go there. Tbh I would have struggled with not giving his address had he said no.

Can't he get a job instead, £35 is nothing these days, it was £30 in 1990 .

I'm not sure you can be paid in the sense of being paid for sperm and egg donation, it's to cover some expenses like travel so not a very good money making exercise for the DS

If an adult turned up at my doorstep now, telling me that they were my husband’s child, from a donation he’d made as a young adult, I’d be devastated.

This individual might like a relationship with my husband and our family. And what if there were more than one offspring?

Nope. For me it absolutely would be a dealbreaker. The problem is that I would never think to ask that of a partner “have you donated sperm and could you have potential kids?” So, if a ‘child’ did later pop up, I would feel like everything I’d ever known was a lie and ruined.

Do they screen applicants at all e.g. IQ, education, health etc? Presume the woman receiving would want a ''superior'' donor eg a qualified doctor or barrister if she is going to all that trouble and expense and not a 6th former?

So someone turned up at your house looking for their biological father? (I totally believe you by the way. I know incredulous but I’m not, just checking I’ve understood correctly!)

Not necessarily. Donor conceived children in the UK have the legal right to be informed of their donor's full name and last known address once they turn 18. Donors have to sign up to this at the point of donating, there's no obligation on the part of the clinic/bank to mediate or manage contact when the children are 18, they just pass the donor's contact details onto the young adults

Is part of the problem here that you would know you had a grandchild out there but never get to have contact and see them grow up? (Which is a legitimate sadness, even if the donation isn't actually 'your business')

I'd also remind him that 18+18 = 36, which might be the exact age when he is in the throes of starting his own family and looking after babies/toddlers, which could make the appearance of an adult biological child particularly emotionally impactful on both him and his partner.

They are reasonably picky i think (I've seen some UK sperm banks claim they turn away 90% of applicants, though that may be exaggerated for marketing purposes). It's not unusual for donors to be 18-25 as physical health & good fertility is obviously very important. Most sperm bank profiles will have some basic info on education level and career, and many of them ask donors to write an open letter to the future children.

There is no legal obligation if a sperm donor child contacted your son as they have to be 18 or over to do so, and that means they are self sufficient. But whether that is a good enough reason to go ahead, who knows?

But the point is that they won’t pass on the address, and even if they did that would be the address they were at 18 years ago. So what - 2006? My life has changed massively since then, several addresses!