Not looking forward to wedding as I’ll spend most of it alone

[JaspnFelix]

My BIL is getting married at the end of may. DH is his best man, both our sons are Page Boys. The couple have hired two wedding Nannies to help with the children, the only children invited are those of the wedding party or immediate family (so the brides niece, our children and DHs cousins kids, one of the other groomsmen’s child etc.)
These Nannies will apparently be helping with getting kids in the wedding party down the aisle etc.
For the wedding meal, DH is at the top table in the capacity of best man, along with his parents, the brides parents and her maid of honour. The other 4 groomsmen (including DHs cousin) will be at a table just for the groomsmen and their plus ones, the bridesmaids have a similar set up. They have a kids table at the back where they will be with the Nannies.
Im with DHs extended paternal family, so his two cousins, their partners, his aunt and uncle and his grandma, I barely know any of them, can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve met them.
I know his maternal family better but their table is full apparently.
AIBU to be really not looking forward to the wedding and to be even considering just not going as I’ll be spending the day with people I hardly know?

You’d come across as a big baby/wet lettuce for refusing to go just because you had to sit through the dinner with some people you don’t know that well.

He’s your brother-in-law, make the effort.

I'd expect it to be a shit day overall and tell H that you get a day soon that he cares for the kids while you do whatever you like for the entire day. That's your carrot to get you through the day.

But while you won't not know or be close to many others there, you may meet interesting people-maybe think of it like a work required full day meeting, awful overall but not as bad as a stick in the eye.

I’d go for your DH and BIL and just make the most of it. It’s a shame they haven’t thought of you more though. I’d guess that your DC will come snd as find you rather than stick with a nanny they don’t know though and you’ll be busy with them? Is it in a hotel where you have a room you could escape to for a bit if needed? I’m sure after the meal you can spend some time with the people you know better.

YANBU for feeling this way. I've been through this before myself. My husband and in-laws were to be at the head table with the groomsmen & bridesmaids. I found out the day before the wedding that I was going to be seated with strangers, and as a first time mum, it caught me off guard and upset me. I was anticipating it to be very stressful to tend to my then 18 month old by myself in a very formal occasion surrounded by strangers. Ordinarily I'm the kind of person who will happily chat to anyone, but it's another story when you're a busy mum in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, trying to be and do all things at once.

I did attend the wedding, and found it to be very lonely most of the day, basically solo parenting on my feet all day in heels. The ceremony was beautiful, don't get me wrong, and I am glad I was there, because I actually really like my husband's family, they're wonderful people. But it was a long, tiring, lonely day for me. A busman's holiday as my mum would call it. My husband came and joined me at my table as soon as the formalities were over and done with, which took about an hour. And the evening was much more enjoyable and relaxing after that.

My advice would be to have a discussion with your husband and let him know how you feel, and come up with a clear plan to balance out the parental duties during the day, try to find a compromise, so you don't have to be by yourself for longer than necessary. You could also agree ahead of time with your husband, that you'll all duck out early if it's been a particularly hard day and you're knackered. Otherwise, try to make the best of it and focus on watching your children enjoy themselves. It's only for one day, and a very special day for your BIL and his bride.

YWBVU not to go, this isn't about you. Your dc's close family member is getting married and they are in the wedding party. Are you not excited to support them in their role and see them happy on the day? Nannies are helping, at least you can sit and enjoy your meal!

Your kids will still want to be with you and see you, even if there are nannies. You can scoot over to their table at the back for some of the time.

Likewise, there are dead spots of time when everyone is milling around when you'll be able to catch up with your DH. And also, just get chatting to some of his family. Charm them, be civil. It's just one day.

You're not being unreasonable to not look forward to it. You are being unreasonable to consider not going. Worst case scenario is that you'll endure awkward small talk a few hours.

Honestly, it will only be for the meal part of the reception that you'll be on your own. At / before the actual wedding ceremony, you'll be able to mingle with the rest of your DH's family (including the maternal extended family that you already know). The only part of the day where you'll be with people you don't know very well is the sit-down meal, and a lot of the conversation at that will be about how the bride looks lovely, what the food is like, what the wine is like, what kind of a journey everyone had - yes, it's boring, but it's also easy enough to take part in. Then it will be speeches, during which there will obviously be no chatting, and then once the meal is over your DH's best man duties will be over and everyone will be mingling again so you can be with your DH and people you know.

Also, 'wedding nannies' or not, I guarantee your kids will want to be with you at some point! It wouldn't surprise me at all if you weren't called upon to help get your kids down the aisle, and I'm sure they'll want your attention afterwards at the reception etc.

I'm really shy and I understand why you're worried but the only part where you will be with people you don't really know will be for about two hours maximum, during the meal. It would be rude not to go, especially given that your DH and your children are part of the wedding party itself.

it does sound a bit crap - there to celebrate the joy of marriage but yet you are the ONE married couple who are sat apart. Bit thoughtless!

You'll be sat at the table for all of an hour or 2, and most people get up and chat/mingle so it really won't be as bad as you think. Get to know these people and have fun. You might like them.

I don't think that it is ideal but I think it is one of those things that you have to suck up for a couple of hours during the meal. Are you staying in the venue? If you are you can pop up to room to touch up makeup etc during some of the drink reception and chill with a magazine book etc. Go out for some air.

I would also ask about dh about these people and what they do etc so you can prepare some conversation starters,. Watch the news for a few days before. Current affairs are normally a good conversation starter than include most people.

Of course YANBU to think that way.

How old are the children? If they’re very young, I don’t think I’d want to leave them to be looked after by total strangers so I’d probably suggest that they come and sit with me during the meal.

If they’re old enough to entertain themselves, then I probably wouldn’t bother going, mainly because I dislike formal weddings.

You don’t have to look forward to it, or even enjoy it. But you do have to go, plaster a smile on your face, make polite small talk with the cousins etc and generally be gracious about it. It’s one day, it’s important to your husband and his family and it’s part of being married and dealing with each other’s families. DH and I have both done similar with each other’s families and I’d have been really hurt if he hadn’t.

Depending on your children though I do think it’s unreasonable for bride and groom to just announce that you have to relinquish them to some strangers for the day (yes, I’m sure the Nannies are great but the kids still wouldn’t know them) - my kids wouldn’t have coped with that and I wouldn’t have allowed it.

The nannies sounds a bit ambitious. Most kids will want their parents if they see them across the room somewhere. No chance mine would stay seated at the kids table!

It sounds quite shit, but I think you just have to get through it.

It is only the meal you will be woth people you don't know and much of that is listening to speeches.

Ceremony, before meal you can mingle with whoever and after first dance dh duties are finished so will have him for the evening.

It may be a daunting prospect but close family so make the best of it as would be very unreasonable not to go and unfair on dh. It won't be as bad as you think 💐

I think it's inconsiderate of the bride and groom to put you at that table. At my wedding, we put A LOT of thought into table seating and made sure people knew each other well, no one was left at a table with people they weren't close to. We also asked people who they wanted to sit next to. It was a big headache but it's what most people do.

The wedding breakfast is only a small part of the day. And for the majority of the time at the table, you’ll either be listening to speeches or eating anyway.

I’d just suck it up and be polite, then enjoy the dancing with your husband.

If you are a socially anxious person then YANBU to feel apprehensive about a large social event where you don't know most of the people. However your husband and children will be there (and you can spend as much time as you like with your children outside of the actual ceremony) so it would look really really odd not to go.

Have you discussed this with your husband at all?

DH was best man and I'd not met anyone there before (not even bride and groom!) - he had moved 350 miles away to where I was.

I was sat at a table of his friends and whilst I was nervous beforehand, I actually had a great time. There is so much small talk and pleasantries you can make at a wedding and the breakfast doesn't last long.

Just suck it up, go with a smile slapped on your face and if you're worried about awkward silences just make a banal comment on how good the food is / how pretty the table decorations are / how stunning the bride looks.

Not unreasonable to not actively look forward to it.

But, go and make the best of it. You may end up enjoying it.

Discuss with your DH, offer to be with the children on their table, to help the nannies.

Nannies sounds like the wedding of a relation of Jacob Rees-Mogg, hope it's not like that at all!!

I really don't know why people put tradition above people's enjoyment and they couldn't have squeezed you on the top table or your H with you. I once ended up sitting next to a shy 9 year old bridesmaid with no-one on my other side as a 25 yr old maid of honour as a result of this! Most boring meal ever.

Anyway you'll just have to suck it up and have fun flirting with your H's relatives (you don't have to be attracted to flirt) and getting drunk.

In reality you know the kids will insist on sitting on your knee anyway.

It's a chance to get to know some of DH's family better - and it's not as though they are total strangers to you. It will be fine.

Sorry but it would be a bit pathetic to not go to a close family wedding because you can't chat to some extended family for a couple of hours.