Time to break things off with my boyfriend and buy my own house?

[Benji92]

My boyfriend and I are both 31 and have been together for a year. He still lives in the house he bought with his ex. They broke up in May 2022 and the house was put up on sale shortly after.

A buyer fell through early on in our relationship and they recently refused an offer as if was way below the price they bought it for. Truth is, they won't be able to sell unless they lose money as the house prices fell down since their purchase.

My lease is up at the current place I'm renting in March. A few months ago he told me that he wants me to move in to that house. Ex doesn't contribute to the mortgage since she moved away and I will be paying rent. We discussed then that I'd move in at the year mark, which is now.

2 weeks ago I told him that as it's his house, I'd need him to let me know re the timelines/plans of me moving. He said OK. I think moving in together (without further commitments such as kids, marriage or shared assets) at the year mark in our age isn't rushing things as we're keen to start a family at some point. I checked whether he felt the same way and he said that he agreed, otherwise he wouldn't have wanted me to move in.

Despite the reassurance, there has been no talks about it since. I don't necessarily agree with cliches but in this case I feel like if he wanted, he would. I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house 5+ hours drive away in a more affordable area but neither of us are keen on a long distance relationship so it would mean the end of us.

I love him so much but this whole thing stresses me out. I want to get on with my life. AIBU to want to buy my own house potentially ending it with him? What would you do?

I think maybe your need to "sort stuff" is making you see insult here where there is none. If you are leased up until March and he knows that I'd assume he thinks you'll be moving in in February - it's only 11th Jan! Are you expecting him to move in first?

I think before you blow the thing out of the water you need to consider:

1. Do you want to live in this house - Y / N
2. Do you want to live with him - Y/N
3. If the answer is N to the house but yes to him how long are you willing to give it for him to work with you to make that happen?

Then you need to sit him down and talk. Be clear what you are expecting and give times. If you were expecting him to be moving in by now then say that and see what his expectations are. It doesn't need to be an argument but it does need to be clear so that you are both fully on the same page. Maybe this is all just a bit of a misuniderstanding.

However don't move in with him if you don't want and feel free to dump him if that's really what you want to do!

If you moved in with him tomorrow, he would have a house and you would be paying rent with no guarantee the relationship would work out or whether you’d eventually get married. Financially that’s a very risky move for you.

Far better for you to buy your own house and be financially secure. If the relationship does work out then one of you could rent out their home, or get married sell both houses and buy a new one together.

Well first of all I'd talk to him and explain this is what you're considering, as he may not realise you're at the point where you might cut and run.

But I don't think I would pay rent to live in a house owned by my partner and ex. Something about the principle and the imbalance of it. I think I would get another year's lease on my own rental, then say to boyfriend that he has one year to sell it, loss or no loss, so that the moving in together can happen. Otherwise, I'm moving on. (I'd say it more nicely than that, but that's the long and short of it!)

But in any case... is there really no way you can buy anywhere closer than 5 hours away? That's a very big move. I don't know if it's what you want or it would be helpful to you, but if you post your (general) location people might be able to suggest some cheaper areas that are closer to you?

When we talked a few months ago, he told me I'd give notice at the beginning of Jan. That's why I followed up 2 weeks ago, wanting to know his decision as I'm not renewing my contract either way and I'd need to make alternative arrangements if he wasn't keen. That clear talk was had then and he said he'd let me know re the plans of me moving in soon. I'm not looking forward to living in that house (location and layout isn't for me), but I could bear it till it was sold.

Definitely want to live with him but now reading other comments it doesn't make much financial sense for me to pay towards his and ex's equity rather than my own.

We live in SE and looking at my budget, priorities and life style, I determined I want to buy my house in Manchester, Liverpool, Newcastle, Sheffield or Glasgow. All quite far from where we are!

If those places are where you want to be then the relationship isn't going to work if he is rooted in the SE is it? On that basis I'd cut my losses.

I was about to suggest you buy the ex out of their house - at current market value if course - if that solves things but if it isn't the right location for you then that isn't going to work either is it?

Did he ask you to pay rent?
I moved in with my partner in similar circumstances. He never asked me for rent and I only paid contribution towards the bills. He handled the mortgage by himself which made things much clearer when they eventually sold the house and shared the profits between them. If your boyfriend asked you for rent, I would be discussing him the situation where you are contributing to his assets without any return on investment and that you won't be doing that but are happy to split bills instead. See what he says. If he is happy with that arrangement, save the spare cash in ISA increasing your own purchasing power.
In terms of short-term solutions, what are your plans? You are not going to close on a house in the next two weeks so you will need somewhere to live whether it is in his house or not.

I think if you're planning on moving away, and have your heart set on that, then you may as well cut your losses and break things off now.

I also would feel odd about moving into a house that was losing value and paying rent towards someone else's mortgage that was probably higher than it needed to be too. It's very convenient for your partner - and it COULD be fine - but if the house is more important to you than, well, him, then that's really your answer for you!

@LittleOwl153 I do want to live in SE but can't afford to buy a house on my own due to mortgage cap. When we buy together (2 salaries combined) we will be able to buy from the area we currently live in.

I cannot buy the ex out unfortunately as she bought using a scheme and the agency is asking for too much deposit (more than I have saved up).

@Catza very good point. Thank you for sharing your own experience. IF he does talk to me about it soon, I might raise this with him.

It's January. You're not going to buy and move into a house by March this year. Where are you going to live in March?

I think you need to have a serious talk with him. This is urgent! He's had 2 weeks to think. Tell him you need to discuss this ASAP.

Also, I'd move in with the boyfriend if rent is only covering half the bills. He's living there and paying the mortgage and can clearly afford it. You need to continue to save for your own house (whether on your own or shared with him).

Thanks for appreciating my sense of urgency @TigerJoy, thought I was going crazy!! I would look to rent for 6 months on my own in one of the cities I mentioned above then. I never lived up north so it would be good to figure out if good fit for me.

He seems to have a lot of baggage still left to deal with. I couldn't be bothered with that.

You need to communicate more clearly. It sounds like as far as he’s concerned he’s happy for you to move in when your lease is up. Have you explicitly asked him ‘can I move in on X date?’

If you really want to be with him I would agree to move in (if you think you can live in that house) but not agree to pay rent but you will pay towards bills (only fair) but with a clear understanding that there needs to be active progress with the sale of the property.
is he aware of your consideration of moving up North? What does he say to this? As this is obviously going to impact the relationship.

YABU.

You are potentially ending a relationship because you can't be bothered to communicate properly.

TELL him you're giving notice today, and you'll be moving into his house on 10th March. Be assertive. He will either say OK, or he will say no. If he says no, make alternative arrangements.

You don’t sound very committed to him or the relationship if you’re seriously considering moving five hours away to a city you presumably have no links to (as you’ve listed many).

Can you buy out his ex?

I don’t think he has a lot of baggage. No wife, no kids, no pets, no mental ex - it’s just a house. And selling them can take ages. Move in in March, keep his on the market. Mortgage rates are going down so that might help. Contribute towards bills, as you would anywhere but say rather than pay rent, put the money in to savings for a deposit on the house you eventually buy together. I assume he can afford his own mortgage on his own if that’s what he’s doing anyway?

He just needs a kick up the ass, talk to him tonight. Upping sticks and renting in Glasgow seems extreme and cutting your nose off to spite your face when you love him and love living in the SE. He’s not done anything wrong, just needs to get cracking after months of conversations.

Loads of my friends got together with guys that were finalising house sales / finances with exes. When I met DH we both had houses, but took ages to sell, I sold mine at a loss, I needed to do this in order to move on and he couldn’t sell his so rented it out for 4 years. This was 12 years ago and it all seems like a distant memory. I’m just saying don’t throw away a good relationship over a ‘house with an ex issue’.

I'm very commited to him but soooo tired and stressed out regarding the bloody house!

To those who think I didn't communicate clearly, let me write out what happened once again. A few months ago we said I'd be moved in by Feb with a notice given to my landlord very early in Jan. I followed up on that 2 weeks ago and made it CLEAR that I won't be asking again and will await him letting me know re the timelines/plans. He agreed with it, said OK he'd do and that he was still keen. Yet, not a dicky bird since.

If you do break up, I do understand the urge to move 300 miles away from an ex. 🤣

Haha that made me laugh @takealettermsjones thank you!! 😂

Just talk to him about it? If you're struggling to communicate with him about this, How will you cope in regard to the big things?

What are you actually waiting for here, a welcome home party?

You sound quite dramatic. He’s said you can move in, they’re trying to sell the house, he can’t guarantee you dates because it depends on a suitable buyer.

Asked him to let you know what though? Just saying ‘Let me know if the timelines work’ is too vague so obviously the only response he can give is general okness. ‘Let me know if it’s ok to move in on 1 March’ and him saying ‘let me think about it’ is more reasonable for you to question his commitment.

By "scheme" do you mean it is shared ownership?

It should still be possible to buy the ex out you just need a mortgage.

If he hasn't spoken about it to you by the time you need to give notice then I'd just make alternative arrangements and let him know that you've decided to do xyz