Time to break things off with my boyfriend and buy my own house?

[Benji92]

My boyfriend and I are both 31 and have been together for a year. He still lives in the house he bought with his ex. They broke up in May 2022 and the house was put up on sale shortly after.

A buyer fell through early on in our relationship and they recently refused an offer as if was way below the price they bought it for. Truth is, they won't be able to sell unless they lose money as the house prices fell down since their purchase.

My lease is up at the current place I'm renting in March. A few months ago he told me that he wants me to move in to that house. Ex doesn't contribute to the mortgage since she moved away and I will be paying rent. We discussed then that I'd move in at the year mark, which is now.

2 weeks ago I told him that as it's his house, I'd need him to let me know re the timelines/plans of me moving. He said OK. I think moving in together (without further commitments such as kids, marriage or shared assets) at the year mark in our age isn't rushing things as we're keen to start a family at some point. I checked whether he felt the same way and he said that he agreed, otherwise he wouldn't have wanted me to move in.

Despite the reassurance, there has been no talks about it since. I don't necessarily agree with cliches but in this case I feel like if he wanted, he would. I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house 5+ hours drive away in a more affordable area but neither of us are keen on a long distance relationship so it would mean the end of us.

I love him so much but this whole thing stresses me out. I want to get on with my life. AIBU to want to buy my own house potentially ending it with him? What would you do?

I think you need to move your life forward and not wait for a boyfriend.

He has been tangled in this for over a year now, he is clear he will not lose money on it - how long do you think it will take house prices to catch up ?

I worry you'll be waiting forever as he isnt in a rush to sell. He will be in less of a rush if you are paying half of his half of the mortgage because he gets an appreciating asset and you get nothing. It's not equal and it's not likely to be.

Spread your wings and fly north. If he hasnt got his act together in 6 months at least you haven't put your life on hold.

I would tell him you are moving in, but only happy to pay for half the bills. Continue to save towards your house and if after another 6-12 months he is still showing no sign of selling and moving on you then should hopefully have more money saved to buy your own place. If he says no to the above then you go back to your first plan and buy elsewhere.

I'm not comfortable saying 'I'm moving in on XXX' to YOUR house. I made this clear and told him to let me know when he wants me there so I can give 1 months notice. That's all I will need to do. Not pushing on this further when I already had that talk and made my expectations clear.

Do you really want to live in a house he brought with his ex?

Wouldn’t it be better if you brought/rented a house 50:50. By renting in his house, you’re paying the mortgage with no gain. If in five years you split, he’s got half his mortgage paid in that time, and you’ve got nothing, especially as you’re in a position to buy now.

if he has to sell, wait before moving in. If you move in, there’s no incentive to sell. He gains - living with gf and mortgage half paid.

Why aren’t you comfortable if it’s going to be your home too? Are you going to be comfortable living there if that’s the case?
And did you say to him ‘I need you to tell me which day suits you for me to move in’ or did you say something vague like in your posts?

Thanks for all comments and the idea of me not paying rent towards their mortgage but covering half the bills by the way. Never thought about it.

@Spaghettieis the truth is, I will never be fully comfortable in there but happy to bear with it till the house is sold. I think we can all agree on that moving in to a house your partner shared with their ex is not the most pleasant thing.

Initially we did say I'd be moved in by Feb so we did say I'd give notice by 2nd Jan. Asked him again 2 weeks ago and he said he was still keen and was going to let me know when to give my notice but still haven't.

I also wouldn't be wanting to pay rent on a house that his ex has equity in. I know you want to move the relationship along but I would wait until the house is sold and then make a completely fresh start by buying a house together. Or you can just buy your own house as you suggest, and leave him to get on with not accomplishing anything very quickly.

^^This. And you don’t even like the house but want him to sell it, which he won’t do because it’s in negative equity.
I would move away and get your own house, too much relies on this guy who can’t make a decision.

I’m afraid it sounds to me as if you are playing communication games with him. Just talk to the man, remind him of the dates and be upfront about what you want.

It’s a good idea to live together (for at least a year) before committing to buying somewhere together.

So, I’m not sure why it would be a problem to pay him rent (and increase his equity). Surely the sensible alternative would be to rent somewhere together and then you’d both be paying someone else’s equity?

But I don't think I would pay rent to live in a house owned by my partner and ex.

So should she live there for free?

You are making this so complicated!! Just message saying you need to confirm 100% if you are moving in with him as you need to move out your current place on x March as otherwise you need to secure a new rental.

@Ginmonkeyagain just saw your question. No not shared ownership. Help to buy I believe and they're asking over £100k for me to buy her out which I don't have.

The point of my post is, there is already an imbalanca here (as pointed out by many users above) that he will be living with his girlfriend and getting half his mortgage paid - whereas I'd be moving in to a house he shared with an ex (already emotionally taxing) and paying towards their mortgage so not my own.

I already followed up and communicated my expectations. Moreover, he OKAYed them. Still haven't heard back anything. Hence, my post. Is it really worth me waiting around and putting myself in a disadventageous position emotionally or financially or try and move on?!

Ahh ok - but you don't need that £100k in cash - can you get a mortgage for the rest?

Also if the ex has stopped paying the mortgage she should stop accruing equity.

Is it possible that the ex has thrown a spanner in the works and told him she doesn't want you living there?
I imagine it might be as uncomfortable for her with you living in her property as it would be for you to live there.

In your situation I would say buy your own house. Also, as you said it will be in a city you haven’t lived in then renting there before buying would be better.

It all sounds very businesslike “please revert with timelines”.

You’ve given notice on your place. He’s agreed you should move in. Wouldn’t the next step just be you saying “right, I’m booking the van for a week on Saturday, you going to come and help me pack? “

You can always move out again if it doesn’t work out. You just need somewhere to stay after your lease ends. Don’t you stay there a lot anyway? Do you have that much stuff? Maybe some could go in storage for a while, esp if you are not paying him rent, as discussed above.

when my now DH and I moved in together it was because I was at his from Friday to Sunday every weekend anyway and only used my place as a dormitory on work nights (him with me for 2 of those usually). We just wanted to be together all the time, it was a no-brainer.

The fact that you are quite ready to up and move 5 hours away because you have a communication problem says to me that it’s not a good relationship anyway.

Question- would you have to change jobs if you moved?

I would tell him how you feel ASAP and let him know that you have options and are thinking of buying a house elsewhere, ye both need to make a decision….. otherwise could you buy the house and think about renting it out

What's the difference between paying rent to a random landlord and paying rent to your boyfriend? Why do people think moving in with a boyfriend means you should be rent free as you won't have a share of the equity and "don't want to pay towards his mortgage"? If that's the case, pay all of the random landlord's mortgage instead, and a bit extra for profit!

"Hi DP, on Monday I need to either hand in my notice at my flat, or renew the contract. The last day in my flat is 10th March. Would you like to live together? If it's too much then I can renew my flat*"

*and then move up north

I guess that the idea is she saves the money so she has more deposit to buy a place together? He’s living there by himself at the moment so he can obviously afford to pay his half of the mortgage without income from a tenant.

Also, a third party landlord gives you exclusive occupation and leaves you in peace. A boyfriend landlord expects you to share chores and hogs the bathroom!

Alarm bells would be ringing for me. At this point, why didn’t he just say oh yes, of course go for it! What’s he waiting for?