Time to break things off with my boyfriend and buy my own house?

[Benji92]

My boyfriend and I are both 31 and have been together for a year. He still lives in the house he bought with his ex. They broke up in May 2022 and the house was put up on sale shortly after.

A buyer fell through early on in our relationship and they recently refused an offer as if was way below the price they bought it for. Truth is, they won't be able to sell unless they lose money as the house prices fell down since their purchase.

My lease is up at the current place I'm renting in March. A few months ago he told me that he wants me to move in to that house. Ex doesn't contribute to the mortgage since she moved away and I will be paying rent. We discussed then that I'd move in at the year mark, which is now.

2 weeks ago I told him that as it's his house, I'd need him to let me know re the timelines/plans of me moving. He said OK. I think moving in together (without further commitments such as kids, marriage or shared assets) at the year mark in our age isn't rushing things as we're keen to start a family at some point. I checked whether he felt the same way and he said that he agreed, otherwise he wouldn't have wanted me to move in.

Despite the reassurance, there has been no talks about it since. I don't necessarily agree with cliches but in this case I feel like if he wanted, he would. I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house 5+ hours drive away in a more affordable area but neither of us are keen on a long distance relationship so it would mean the end of us.

I love him so much but this whole thing stresses me out. I want to get on with my life. AIBU to want to buy my own house potentially ending it with him? What would you do?

That house is a millstone around their necks and I wouldn't want anything to do with it. It's for them to sort it out and unfortunately it's going to mean them selling it at a loss.

I disagree that you shouldn't pay rent if you move in with him. I don't believe people should live rent-free in someone else's house. (And I've been roasted for this on here many times.)

I do think now is a good time for you to get your own house, though. As you say you'll never be able to afford that in the SE, so you'll have to move. It sounds really exciting - will you be able to keep the same job and just live wherever you fancy?

"Initially we did say I'd be moved in by Feb so we did say I'd give notice by 2nd Jan. Asked him again 2 weeks ago and he said he was still keen and was going to let me know when to give my notice but still haven't."

I don't understand this. If you initially agreed that you'd give your notice by 2nd Jan, why didn't you do that? Why did you need to ask him again? Has he gone back on your previously agreed date and if so, why?

These were my exact thoughts. I don’t understand what the problem is?

Lol. No. If it were me I would wait until we could get a rental together or buy together.

reading other comments it doesn't make much financial sense for me to pay towards his and ex's equity rather than my own.

It doesn't make any financial sense for you to do that. If I were your bf I would not be asking you to pay rent. Contribution towards bills yes, but not rent. He doesn't need your money for the mortgage now, he won't need it after you move in, bearing in mind that he owns the house with someone else and you living there would be temporary.

The two of you are not pulling together. He isn't communicating and you're understandably having a wobble about the relationship. Whatever you decide, don't even think about having a baby until you have a stable home and finances.

I don’t think this would be fair to the bf. If the roles were reversed and he was the one moving in with the OP, 90% of the posts would tell her to charge him rent to make sure he had no claim on her house.

If it’s about saving for a deposit for a future house together, he can save the rent money she pays. If the OP continued renting, she’d still be paying rent, so what does it matter if it’s to the bf or a stranger? If she wants to buy now, that’s a totally different situation.

Thanks @MILTOBE! It is exciting to think about owning my own house :) Yes I work 100% remote so I can up and to wherever I'd like but would definitely pick somewhere with job opportunities for future just in case.

I am going to guess that he is considering it a done deal and does not think any more communication is required. I think you need to be more direct with the dates. He already OKayed the plan so I think in his mind it is done and dusted.

I don't think this is a wise approach because upon completion of the house sale, the profits are complicated to work out. What if they split up before he sells the property? The OP will be losing assets or she indeed will be entitled to the profit (you allude to the opposite which I don't agree with. The person who doesn't pay towards mortgage costs cannot reasonably has any rights to the house unless their name is on the deeds especially if they are not married).
If they are planning a future together, then surely it doesn't matter who puts money away. I built up quite a saving pot which I intent to use for future property purchases for me and my partner. Doesn't make a difference whether I pay rent and he saves or I save the money right away.
This is what we've agreed and it worked well for us. The split after the sale with an ex was uncomplicated and I had no hand in it. And that's a good thing in my books.

I PUT YABU because, don't be paying his and his exes mortgage.... no way!

I think OP has communicated in this case. She appears to be waiting for the green light from her BF.

OP, if your boyfriend has not mentioned anything else about a date for you moving in with him then it might be that he has changed his mind.

If I were in your situation I would think about what I wanted to do, rather than waiting for him to make a decision. This is your life and you have control over it, particularly when it comes down to making sure you are securely housed. If you move in with him then this will be his property (well, his and his ex-partner's property) and you will have no security of tenure. In theory he could kick you out with no notice.

If there’s a lodgers agreement in place and the person pays rent, they can’t make a claim to the house. Otherwise every lodger/tenant in the country could claim part of the landlord’s property.

If there’s no agreement and no rent, at some point she could claim that she has contributed to the upkeep or renovation of the property they lived in together etc. and demand money back. I’m not saying that the op would do that, I’m speaking in general terms.

In this particular case I think it’s too messy to move into a property owned by the bf and his ex. They could rent out the house to cover the mortgage and OP and bf rent somewhere else together until the house is sold. At that point, they can buy together in the area where they live.

I think moving in together (without further commitments such as kids, marriage or shared assets) at the year mark in our age isn't rushing things as we're keen to start a family at some point.

Buy your own place and under no circumstances whatsoever move into his house and start a family without being married. You could end up with nothing.

Paying to a landlord you'd have your own place though, not shared space in somebody else's home - even a lodger has his own room. You'd also have a rental contract and tenancy protections.

I think there seem to be too many things worrying you. Moving in a house where an ex lived is already stressful and you are feeling a bit resentful about paying towards their house. Chances are, if you move in, that the house will take a while to sell and you will be stuck there. Of course his ex may not even want you there. I think you should go ahead with your plan to move up North and buy your own property.

Agree with all of this.

Exactly. If the situation was reversed then everyone on MN would yell “COCKLODGER!!” if no rent was paid 😂😂

OP he might just be a bit useless and be assuming you are going to move in.

I would move in with him, but not pay any rent until he brings it up, then just pay like £200 a month.

say it’s short term as the house will be sold soon.

use the time to scope out areas you can buy in and save money.

No, I don't think many people would be comfortable saying that! But just frame it differently so you aren't in thie weird limbo you've put yourself in. 'I need to give notice on my flat by X. That would mean moving in to yours on Y. Are you still happy with that? If not, practically, I need to start making alternative plans about where I'll be living by Z'.
The way you phrase your conversations about this does sound like a frustrated project manager chasing a client rather than a couple still inthe honeymoon period who are excited about living together though! If you want to move in with him, talk to him, properly. If you don't, start making those plans.

Buy your own house. It may motivate him to sell.

This is such a weird mentality.

You are going to have to rent a place from March anyway, whether it's paying rent to a landlord in the north or rent to your boyfriend.

There's a possibility your boyfriend will manage to sell the house swiftly in which case you will be able to buy together in SE. So what's your plan? Move to Sheffield for 8 months and then move back to SE to buy with him?

I just don't understand why you've whipped this into such a big deal. Why don't you just say to him "I'm giving notice tomorrow so will be moving in on 12 March. Is that OK with you? No worries if not but I really need some confirmation this evening!".

buy out the ex from the house (at 50% current market value)?

What’s wrong with Hull or Beverley? 😄 You picked several other northern towns but nothing down the east coast?

They'd both be paying the landlords equity?

She can't live there rent free - that's freeloading.