If you’re in a stressful job how do you not let it affect you out of work?

[Cloud44]

Ive always admired people in stressful / busy jobs who seem to have a enjoyable life outside of work. Can anyone give me any tips?!

Walking - I’m lucky enough to live on the edge of the Peak District. There’s something about sitting on a bench at the top of a massive hill that really soothes me!

Also…aggressive, sweaty gym classes!

I am very efficient and I’m usually on top of my workload which helps; I’m rarely worrying about work mounting up and I don’t need to work in the evenings because I get it done during the day. I don’t get involved in workplace nonsense or waste time on chatting with people I work with very much, which helps me get my work done. I’m always nice and personable but I’m there to work and then I want to get home on time!

The content of my work can be upsetting but once I see my DCs’ smiley little faces I’m just back in mum mode, really present at home. Having kids has been great for my work life balance and mental health, to be honest.

Other things that help me are having things to look forward to at the weekend, having a hobby that I really enjoy, a glass of wine every now and again, and I love going for a swim when I can though it’s not as often as I’d like. When they’re older I will! I also listen to podcasts about all sorts of subjects - some related to work because I’m passionate about it, but other stuff just totally different. I think focusing on a variety of interests helps keep my mind busy. I’m also not on social media and often avoid the news just to keep things light outside of work.

I really needed this thread today too! Lots of great advice here. I'll add

If something occurs to you while I'm down time (eg I remembered a crucial legislation point that needs to be checked at work in the middle of my book club last week) send yourself an email at work so it's off your mind and you'll see it first thing when back at work.

I do a lot better if I take my dog a proper walk daily, ideally lunchtime.

@WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome oh gosh that's awful! I hope you're feeling much better now! It's such a stressful job isn't it?

I had my PPA yesterday and literally spent the entire afternoon chasing one of my 'runners' around the school - no support from SLT, and at one point had to yell for help from a passing pedestrian, as the child was half way over the fence, kicking me in the face. It's horrendous! The passer by reacted quickly and ran to our front office...but honestly, I'm on my own with all of this!

The general public really have no real idea what's happening in our schools at the moment. This is just a 'normal' primary school! And it goes on all day, every day, there's no let up 😢

Compartmentalisation.... work time is work time. Home time is home time. There is not enough money in the world to pay for work to impact on my home time. Conversely unless someone is dying whatever it is can wait until I have finished work.

I agree with this, and the pp who pointed out that if any one of us were hit by a bus, our workplaces would continue without a blip.

If the job is secure, I don't care.

Stressful is near constant redundancy consultations for five years.

I work in a senior role earning 200k+. I never let work bother me or encroach unreasonably into my personal time.

Many of the comments above are very good. Small things like committing to a 30 minute walk every day really do help.

The best bit of advice I ever received which is relevant for both work and personal life came from my late father. He said when faced with any tough situation consider what the worse possible outcome could be and then assess how you’d deal with that. You’ll soon realise that even the worst outcomes are recoverable and anyway the worst outcomes rarely materialise anyway.

It helps put things into context and makes you far more confident throughout life.

One other thing I’ve come to realise as my career progressed is that the people you once thought were super human and gifted in the top level roles really are just no different to you and I. It’s all just a game and they’ve just played it a little better than others so far. Thats all. You can easily step up too.

I now hold down a very senior job along with having a 2 year old DC and I literally never worry about anything nor ever experience any significant stress.

I’m fortunate that I work in a role that can be very stressful and I see some harrowing things. My office environment helps process a lot of it and then at the end of the day, I switch off my phone and my computer and I go home.

The odd job will follow me home in my head and I have to let myself process it and feel the emotions and then I put it in a box and it’s done with.

I also figure I can only do what I can do. If my workload is too high then as long as I justify that, it’s not my problem.

I used to prioritise work and stress about work until, in 2015, after an impossible situation arose at home, I had to resign from my main role. It was one of those situations where I slipped away, unseen, without any 'goodbyes' (short period of sickness and never returned).

Then, I realised that I was totally dispensable, work was just a way of making money, and my family would always come first. My dedication to work had actually made the situation at home worse.

I picked up several jobs that I could do at home, but whenever I feel myself getting stressed about a situation, I remember that work is only a way of making ends meet, and there are other jobs (any job) that I could do to bring in enough money to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Not really 'caring' about work. That is to say, not caring enough to let it consume me in the way that it did, is totally liberating. Below are some things that I find helpful:

1. As someone else said, compartmentalise. Allow so much time for work, and then switch onto other tasks.
2. Keep a diary and make sure that you jot down when you will do this or that. Everything does not need to be done today.
3. Say, 'I have more important things to focus upon in my life than XYZ (work-related stuff)' because you have.
4. Always be polite and co-operative. Many of the stressful things at work will pass, and unnecessary conflict simply prolongs a bad situation.
5. Think of the absurdity of situations. Many work-related problems are comical when they are viewed objectively.

This thread is useful. I am struggling at the moment. I'm middle management. The team are demanding & contact me regularly when I am off work.
There is an element of toxic behaviour with some colleagues & management. I get paranoia & anxiety of opinions & what has been said about me.

The team I manage are a good team & I believe are loyal to me.

Great thread. Meditation is amazing for switching your brain into a different gear. 10 mins a day is really life-changing.

I've NC for this.

I have a highly stressful and at times emotive role in a men's prison working with some high risk offenders. It can be incredibly hard to switch off from at times.

However, when I get to nursery after work and see my little girl's face as she comes running to me shouting "mummy!!" with a huge smile, something in my brain just clicks and the rest is gone. I can't explain it any better than that. Its always the transition point for me. Then my mind switches entirely to her day at nursery as she chatters to me in the car on the drive home. It's my favourite part of the day. If it didn't work so well for me I'd likely need other strategies in my line of work to cope, but I'm grateful that it does!

Senility.

I also agree on getting perspective. I have DC and a stressful job and someone told me recently that your children are the only ones who will remember that you worked late. It reminded me that my dad always worked long hours and it's not made any difference to where he is now.

I'm also not going to be thinking about how hard I worked when I'm very old and near the end. I'll be thinking about all the fun times I had, the people I spent it with, the lovely hobbies and activities we did at the weekends, holidays, etc. My stressful, well-paid job simply enables me to do all of those things. I remind myself that when I feel work stress encroaching on my personal life.

On a practical note, having some kind of routine when I finish work settles me into the evening. For me it's sorting out DC, tidying up the kitchen and chatting to DH about our days. Then my evening starts and work feels far behind me. The only time I struggle is when I go on holiday, I seem to take a good few days to completely relax and switch off!

Great thread OP, and some great responses which I'm taking on board. I did a thread couple of days ago about high conflict role (and high stress) and how to cope with the feeling of being battered by it!

I swim, open air pool 3/4 times a week.. it's been a game changer. The more stressed I am the more lengths I seem to do! I refuse to check emails at the weekend as that's family time. The older I've got the less I seem to care ☺️ I took a step back when I had the children and went PT. I love my job and I'm very highly respected but if I was hit by a bus tomorrow the company wouldn't collapse without me.. my family would. So burnout isn't an option, two SEN kids and a needy ExH I'm juggling all the balls - if one had to drop it would most definitely be work!

Strong boundaries.

I do not check emails at weekends or take any form of work equipment while I'm on holiday, my work phone goes on do not disturb at 6.30. I work outside of normal hours on things that are scheduled (eg meetings with different time zones) because I am of a seniority where it is expected but I'm pretty clear that any deliverables can wait until UK business hours despite some grumbling (looking at you US colleagues!)

I also don't let other people's poor planning become my or my teams problem, of course there are times where it's critical and we'll drop everything to help because I'm not an arsehole and sometimes things fall through the cracks but if it's just regular 'I'll sit on it for ages and expect you to turn 2 days work round in a day because I value my time more than yours' (or worse, some weird power play) then they will be disappointed and expectations will be managed

Don't do the rubbish parts of other peoples jobs for them

My to do list is never ending so I pick 3 priorities for the day and if they get done (or at least progressed) then I consider it a good day

I am very open and transparent with my team (above and below) and am always very happy to admit when I am wrong/haven't done something yet/messed up/forgotten to do something. It means the stress of scrambling if some asks what's going on with x task no longer exists (took me a while to work that one out, I always used to blag it but it's surprisingly liberating to say 'hands up, I've not done it yet' and people are usually surprisingly accepting)

And most importantly remembering that no one is going to die (well unless you are in a job where that is a possibility!)

It just seems hard to not get stressed by work when the workload is so high!

That is a really valid point and an important one.
my kids are the only people who care that I’ve worked late. Work couldn’t care less

I need to remember that

@OldBeyondMyYears Your post struck a real chord to me. Teaching is an important vocation but it is not fair that you feel like this. This is a lot of the reason why I dropped additional responsibilities and went back to being a classroom teacher 4 days per week. It’s a pay cut and still can be stressful but is much much better for me as I can focus on the teaching. And have a bit more of a whole life now as well as breathing space on my day off which turns into a bit of a catch up day but does mean I have the weekend. Would that be an option at all? Pay-cut but worth it if you can afford it and it helps quality of life.

i too still get stressed at peak times though and remind myself, ‘this too shall pass’ if I can’t do much to alter the situation and when i can, ‘this won’t beat me!’ This is helpful for mindset.

As well as this, the job is never done so after working my contracted hours plus PPA time (and a reasonable amount more), I stop and that is enough! Work out what is reasonable for you to work each day and then give yourself permission to stop. Then do something else without guilt. I meditate now and again (Headspace), walk and exercise in general a bit, play with children, g and t etc…!

I find my commute really helps me decompress. It helps that it is in sections so for me:
It's 10 min walk from office to the station: in this time I'm probably still thinking about work a bit.
Then 10-20 mins tram/train during which I read a book or listen to a podcast - I am v strict about nothing work-y in this time.
Then it's 10-15 min walk home which I often chat with a friend, or just enjoy the silence before I get home to family chaos!

I found when I was driving home I didn't really "let go" in the same way. This time of year when it's cold but fresh I love the walk

If you are a teacher or work in FE, all advice is off the table. Just get out or you will go quite insane. So true, Wherever. So sad.

Old, hard relate and my sympathies. PPA is woefully inadequate for the purpose. I'm currently mentoring a final placement student, and my workload has shot through the roof. Not leaving until the caretaker kicks me out and then having to pick up again as soon as DC are in bed. Not shut laptop before 1am since term started, and then not because I'm done but because I must at least try to sleep. A parent joked the other day, saying it must be "a nice rest to have Mr X teaching the class". They've no idea.

Lots of good advice here.

However, I think what's key is what is causing you to think about work. From OP's follow-up post, it's a workload issue.

That requires a clear, confident conversation with your manager about what your workload is and what support you need. It's their job to address this - but yours to raise it. I manage a team & make this clear in our one to one meetings.

If the cause of thinking outside work is due to your own personality (me! Find it really hard to separate work / home, work very hard, over-invest emotionally) or a challenging work atmosphere that may not be immediately addressable (I've had this too) then some of the strategies here are good but are personality dependent.

My job is very busy, and is challenging but at a middle management level (university teaching team). I'm fortunate to have a lot of control over my diary, and the tasks & projects I take on & I remind myself how valuable that is as a single parent.

I do a lot of exercise too - but often that has the downside of adding to my tiredness tho mentally it helps hugely.

What's helped me is working out what job satisfaction looks like for me. Because my job is busy & I manage a team, my days can be eaten up with meetings or responding to the team / reporting upwards. I found my WFH days were equally busy & the 'thinking / planning' work that I expected to get done didn't happen.

Now I go in very early straight from the gym 2 days a week, and have nearly 3 hours before most of the others are in. It's really helped. I then need to actively leave earlier so that's a work in progress - but I'm forcing myself to walk out the door, no matter what seems urgent. My job is absolutely not life & death but can feel like an endless treadmill.

I also had to recognise that sometimes I work because the home / personal pressures are harder, and work is the excuse to avoid it.

Oh, and as a chronic over-thinker, I am finally getting to a point of not caring, in the main, what others think of me.

So the key things for me are (only learnt from having a very poor work life balance in the past!)

Self compassion- ask yourself what it is you need each day. Hydrate (where you can) taking a drink for the journey in, nourish yourself with stuff that supports you, good food, good books, good podcasts, use your break to do something good for yourself NOT DOOMSCROLLING 😂 loud music in the car on the way home..a longer route if I've got more to process.

Embrace your boundaries ❤❤ it's ok, and essential to often say- No.

Try to get a couple of better nights sleep where you can. I breastfeed all might at the moment but I try a couple of times a week to get in bed a bit earlier so I'm not 100% zombie.
Give that stress somewhere to go, exercise. Could be walking in nature, I find strength classes good, I also have a slam ball at home you lift it high and throw it as hard into the ground as you can, 10 reps and I feel a lot less stressed. If it's a bad day I call it the fuck my life ball 😂.
Another good activity to release stress if feeling agitated or distressed is alternating a cold few seconds in the shower with tepid shower. If you are really really stressed and need to interrupt a negative thought cycle that wont shush TIPP skills are great.

Weighted blanket/ somatic exercise/ breathwork...take a few mins doing stuff that soothes your nervous system so you arent living in fight or flight.

For so long I found it almost impossible to think about my own needs and would always think I had no time for meeting them. But I'm a busy mum of three with a stressful role and have learnt if I dont make some time for my wellness then I have to make time for illness and that isnt something I'm prepared to do so I don't give my anxiety room to grow because I give my nervous system what I need to feel relaxed and safe and stay well.

You will find what works for you ❤❤