Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Your partner has created this problem by making promises he had no right to.

He's being ridiculous. This would be a deal breaker for me. No way do both his kids get a big room each and yours gets the tiny one. Totally unfair!

Your DD should get a bigger room, she lives there full time, so your asap expects two rooms to lie empty half the week whilst your DD is in a smaller room.

Teenagers spend a lot of time in their rooms so I’d let them have the big rooms, by the time your DD is a teenager the older boys will be adults.

Exactly this.

Don't forget that university students also return home for quite a lot of the year. Or they could be like me and not go to university, but stay at home but work until they're 25!

For about the same price as moving a wall and putting in a whole new bathroom you could look at installing a wet room en-suite in the biggest bedroom. I think you would find that much better - you will definitely appreciate the extra shower and toilet more than a bath!

I think the boys share the larger of the two double rooms (with a room divider) and the single becomes a study/gaming/escape space with a sofa bed or similar.

This is Mumsnet @ProbablyAmy posters here hate stepmothers and will insist you treat the children 'equally'. This normally translates as, your DD should be at the bottom of the pile.
You are contributing equally to the house. He does not get to allocate rooms. Your DD gets a big room and one of his gets a big room. This would make things 'equal' His boys can flip a coin to decide who gets a bigger room.
You will not get many answers here that put the needs of your DD on an equal footing with the stepkids. You are a stepmother. You and your DD will be expected to just exist quietly so the stepchildren remain top of the food chain. It's tiresome.

Put DD in the biggest double ( after yours ) and then boys pick a room each, if they can't, its a coin toss.

2 boys share a double (but the biggest double)
DD has a double
You could then use the smaller room as either a study room if one of the boys needs space to study or a small chill out room if they just want peace from the other.

Hi about the boy with the smaller room has wardrobe space in the other boys double room so he doesn’t need as much furniture in the box room

doesn’t seem fair for her to have the smallest room when she is there all the time. Plus you are paying for half the house and him and his children are using 2.5 rooms and you using 1.5 rooms, and it’s the smallest one. It’s his fault for promising rooms, you should make him sort it out. Is there any way to move the other wall of the single room to take up some of whatever is on the other side ?

Why is your DP promising all the best bedrooms to his children without any consideration to your child?

He fucked himself up when he promised his children the big rooms, who does he think he is to just do that and not talk to you or your child? In his eyes they’re more important and he’s telling you that you need to tell them 😂 I would say ok kids your did for some reason said you can have the big rooms but obviously you’re not here all the time and don’t need the bigger room so it’s not happening, sorry that your dad can’t think like a normal adult human.

Indeed! Sounds like a DP problem more than a SC problem.

I assume that the stepchildren have their own space in their mum's house? In which case your daughter should have the biggest room and a choice given to the other two. Either they can share the big room or have one room each. The one who has the smallest room can change with his brother after a year.

Teenagers need bedrooms they can study in.
I remember revising in my room with my music and my books etc spread out where and how I like them, then rolling into bed at night when I was tired and coming back to it the next morning. I would hate having to pack up and share my study space with my parents office or my sibling.

That said, my brother studied in the dining room and we all hated it as he essentially claimed another room of the house and no one could touch his stuff.

Your DD is young enough to still play in communal rooms so her Lego could go in the living room for example.

My DS is 7 and half our living room is taken up by his toys. I'd rather he was playing down here than upstairs on his own.

Well, he is just going to have to tell his children the plan has changed. So what if they are disappointed or annoyed. He needs to consult with you before saying these things.

Yes he shouldn't have promised rooms - but that is done.

Draw straws for the smallest room and whoever gets it, gets a new iPad, or a boost of pocket money for as long as they are in the small room. (Yes, that's bribery!! )

If I were to order all the things I disagree with in this dilemma, I would firstly say you are both being stupid to reduce four doubles to three doubles and a single if it is going to cause this much trouble. The next issue is him allocating rooms to his children before discussing it with you, I find that very arrogant. But thirdly I also don’t agree that your DD gets a double and the other two have to fight it out between them. They are not EOW visitors, they are here 50% of the time and so should be able to see the house as their home, not somewhere they visit. It isn’t their fault their parents split up and they have to split their time, I m so re they would rather just have one home.

So if you are determined to push on with the bathroom plans, a family discount scuds ion is required and if nobody volunteers for the smallest room, all three children need to draw lots for the rooms.

@ProbablyAmy you said your DD was already allocated the smallest double room before the plans were drawn up. Is that the room that is being made smaller? Or is it one of the other rooms. If it’s the other ones, makes it easier to say well this is the room that has been promised to DD.

Could you share the floor plan OP just in case someone can see something you can't?

Is that the only bathroom in the house?

If not and you already have an ensuite then leave it as it is and have the bigger rooms.

I agree its unfair on your daughter to just assume she gets the smaller room, but teens may want to study in their own rooms, have friends over etc too, and although they are there less 50/50 is still a lot and you want them to feel part of the family

If this is the only bathroom in the house instead of making it bigger could you add a small ensuite to one of the bigger doubles? Two small bathrooms trumps one huge one in a family of 5, this would keep the rooms larger and the one with the ensuite although smaller would be more attractive to whoever had it due to the privacy they would have?

If the plans are going ahead regardless then i would say have a family meeting , put down the facts and let everyone come to an agreement - as a teen, if my option was either to share a larger room or have a small one to myself o would have beeb delighted with the small room - my sister and i actually fought over the small one in our new house when we were younger?

@CatamaranViper kids barely have books these days. It’s all on computers and iPads. Including textbooks all online.

I completely agree with you.
It makes so sense for your DD to have the smallest room if she spends most of her time there. It's completely unfair for your DH to have promised the biggest rooms to his DS's without consulting with you first and then to say it would be now be unfair to not do that as he promised! What about what's fair for your DD? Sounds like he doesn't care. That needs to be a lesson to him not to favour his DS's and make promises that are not just up to him.
I would say the fairest option is for the two DS's to swap between the big and small rooms perhaps on a annual basis?