Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

No she's not.

She's there 12/14, your stepsons are there 7/14.

The older two definitely deserve the bigger rooms, if the single room really is the only solution.

Not totally sure why you're aghast at a bathroom just having a shower, sink and toilet though, sounds totally normal to me.

@Katbum I agree a desk is not essential. But neither is a bedroom floor for lego. All the children will have the essentials of a bed, everything else is preference.

Also I and many others have been fine in single or box rooms. I had a bed, wardrobe, desk and drawers in mine. Maybe your daughter has more clothes than she needs it she can't fit them into a normal wardrobe?

Of course your dd should have a bigger room. She lives with you most of the time. Why leave a double room 50% empty ? It doesn’t make sense. Equally I wouldn’t expect her to have a big room at the expense of other children when she stays with her dad either, as she isn’t there that much.

Has anyone ever seen one of these threads where the Step kids ever win the bigger, better room from the biased concensus

Can you instead make a small en suite in the biggest double and leave the other bedrooms as is - then you’ll have 2 bathrooms?

I have 2 teenage boys and a 10
year old. Our rooms are all roughly the same size so it makes no difference in that regard. But my boys have barely any stuff in their rooms. DS13 has a bed, a small bookcase with books, a built in desk with his computer and gaming chair and his built in cupboard. Couple things on the walls. No toys or anything. DS14 has abit more, as he still likes nerf blasters so he has 2 walls of them. But that’s the only toys. DD on the other hand has so much stuff. Squishmallows and shelves full of Knick knacks. And that’s with a playroom that holds the bulk of the toys like all the Lego, dolls clothes ect. If we moved and there was a significant difference in room sizes I would give DD the biggest room.

Everyone showering probably works better than having a single room

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable because your DD will be there for most of the time, but personally I would rethink the bathroom plan. If you go ahead, you should sweeten the deal for whoever has the small room, for example they get extra pocket money or something they really want.

50/50 is not full time.

@thebestinterest it is their main home as much as their mums. But it is not being treated as if it is. They have no belongings kept there. They are being treated like temporary guests.

Can't you do a halfway compromise on the bathroom itself? So no bath, but a bigger shower. So it doesn't take too much space from the adjacent room.

I think there’s an overwhelming view that sticking with a shower and having happy children is what most people would plump for given the choice.

Your dh needs to lose sufficient weight to fit comfortably in the shower. Then all the kids can have a double room. Longer term find a way to get an ensuite within the existing floorplate of the largest bedroom or somewhere downstairs. What you need is more bathrooms not a bigger single bathroom.

To turn a double room into a small single room you must be taking a lot of space for the bathroom. The floor space for even a small shower is not that much less than for an ordinary size bath. Sounds like you want a big bathroom over making your step sons welcome.

If DH won't talk to his children about his premature bedroom allocations, it sounds like the 'easiest' solution is for you and DH to compromise on your family bathroom plans instead. That way, the adults take the disappointment and all the kids get similar sized rooms.

I agree that an architect might well come up with some ideas that you haven't thought of though. Also, potentially the kids won't be living at home forever either, so a large family sized bathroom might well be under-utilised in 5+ years.

What about getting a loft bed for the small room. My 15 year old daughter has one in her small room and desk and cabinet fits underneath. I think the boys being that age need the bigger rooms

You either take the hit and have a smaller bathroom for now until all kids are older and go to uni etc then remodel when they don't all need bigger bedrooms or the child that is there the most gets the bigger room.
To give the child that is there the most the smallest room is just ridiculous and you need to stand firm with your Dp on this and not let him dictate just because he doesn't want to cause a slight upset with his kids after making unreasonable promises
Good luck op, not an easy situation for you to navigate

@LittlePudding1 the boys are fifty fifty at each house. So does that mean at both houses they should get the worst rooms as they are only there part of the time?

@alltootired so are you saying the daughter who is there 90% of the time should get the smallest room and the boys who are there 50/50 get the biggest rooms each?

Yes. It is their home.
Or should the boys just get the worst rooms at both homes?

What you are saying makes no sense.
It's also the daughters home and she is there pretty much all the time, the boys aren't
We don't know what the circumstances are in the boys mothers home but I'd say the scenario you are saying is unlikely

Are any of the doubles big enough for an en-suite that could accommodate a bath (or bigger shower?)

Why does a family of five need a bigger bathroom? I get that more bathrooms would be good, but don’t see the urgency of creating a bigger room. You’re not all going to be in it at the same time.

Because it's very small and the shower "barely fits DP in"