Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Probably a few options to consider but I would say that the boys shouldn't be 'punished ' because their care is a 50/50 arrangement, it wasn't their choice for their parents to split.

1. you say the bathroom isn't suitable for a family of 5? I assume you don't all shower together so not sure what the bathroom size has got to do with how many people live in the house? It feels like equal bedrooms are more important
2. move more walls upstairs if possible so bathroom can be extended and rooms remain equal in size.
3. add a bathroom downstairs - a 4 bed house should have room somewhere to do this.

How about a guy shed for boys.
You add all their clothing in one big room, and they swap the bed in the small room and the double on a 3 month basis.

If the bedroom cannot fit a 9 year old then it cant fit a teenager. The boys are there 50% not EOW so should get the larger rooms, unless you can bribe one into taking the smaller room.

I used a box room when 21. It had a bed a wardrobe and a chest of drawers.
It is big enough.

But OP's dd is there practically all the time so she needs a room more.

The rush to prioritise boys is depressing.

You pay 50% of the mortgage therefore are entitled to 50% of the bedroom space for you and your child's needs.

Your DH wants 2 x full double rooms for his children and half a double room for him.

You are the other hand get half a double bedroom for you and a single room for your child.

That is not 50/50 and very unfair.

A double and single room between his two kids is acceptable;if the children in the single room cannot fit all their stuff then a space can be created in their brothers room to house a few things.

Lol at everyone going ‘the boys are doing exams, they need study space.’ I know PhD students who lived in box rooms in shared houses and had to work on their laps in bed/find a quiet library desk…taking my GCSE’s and a’levels I worked at kitchen table, in bed on or floor of bedroom. Most adults don’t have the luxury of a home-desk space, let alone children.

Nothing to do with them being boys. I would say the same if the sexes were reversed. What if the mum of the boys has children living with her full time so they would only get a small room there too...doesnt seem very inclusive. Smallest child should get the smallest room.

Who is taking baths? Just keep as is with small bathroom, do your reconfig when teens have gone to uni and they don't care anymore. It's only 3 -4 years?

But not LOL at a 9 year old definitely needing extra space for Lego? It's the just the same.

Give boys choice...they share double or one has single. Maybe swap over who has it every few weeks/month ti make fair.

I can't help thinking:

1. why buy a house that clearly doesn't fit the requirements for the whole family? Surely when viewing the house you would have discusse, to some degree, who would sleep where? I personally think you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You don’t NEED a bath, it's personal preference. If you have space to fit one in, that's great, but its not fair to compromise the Children's space.

2. I have a 15yo boy - he spends a lot of time in his room, which is completely normal for that age. Even if your step children live with you 50% of the time they still need their own space. BUT…how do you fairly decide which of them gets the single bedroom without making one of them feel less
   Important than the other, or to their step sister? You could ask them to decide for themselves, but thats still putting them in difficult position and what if neither wants the single room. Then you're back to square one. Boys that age are going through lots of changes, they definitely need their
   Own privacy so even sharing a room and dividing it somehow wouldnt be fair. What if they get girlfriends, or just want to have friends over? Mine 15yo has his PC and PS in his room, with a desk/chair. Have you considered the kind of things your step boys like to do in their free time? I would much prefer my boy to play his games in his room than take up communal living space because it drives me mad listening to him screaming when playing games online with his friends (plus if he
   played games in the living room me and his dad would have to watch tv in our bedroom). I also
   Don't think expecting your step boys to study from the garden office together is fair either, they've got big years coming up with school exams and need their own space to study. Do you expect them to be out in the garden office at 8pm at night in the winter when it's dark and cold?

Personally, if you have committed to the new house already I think you should hold off rushing into any renovations for a while. Settle into the house and see what works/what doesn't. Then you can make better decisions about what you need/want to improve.

If you dont want to hold off, then I think you need to re-look at the floor layout. Maybe you can reconfigure all the walls to make the kids bedroom all equal sizes? Or even move the bathroom completely? If you post the floor
plan here we could have a look and make some alternative suggestions.

But I do think you need to have a family meeting with the kids and ask the boys especially what is important to them. Would they be happy to share if they really had to? Would they be willing to work in the garden office? Would one of them be willing to take the single room? Until you know how everyone really feels you can't make the right decision.

Either way, I think the boys need just as much space as your daughter. For a double/small double bed, wardrobe, desk/chair and maybe even a book case. I think they should have their own rooms decorated how they want and have things like their own computer/laptop/games console to keep in their rooms. Get them their own set of uniform/clothes/shoes etc to keep their so they aren't living out of a bag, make it
Feel like home rather than like a guest room. They should feel comfortable enough to have a room full of personal belongings whether they are there 50% or 100% of the time.

He's pathetic that he says you have to tell his child. Clear up his mess. No. Just no.

Not really no, because anyone with children knows that little kids have loads of crap that gets everywhere. Half my living room is currently kids toys belonging to the toddler - my 8 yos bedroom is also a mess of toys and little girl crap. No, it wouldn’t harm the daughter to have a smaller room, but I can absolutely see how the space for the belongings of the child who is there FT should trump additional space for a child there 50% of the time…who can work elsewhere in the house, or at his mums!

Loads of comments and suggestions here, so can’t tell if this has already been suggested. The boys want privacy… not necessarily space, and to feel welcome. Talk it through with them.

But I would suggest…

Convert the biggest room into two large singles.

You guys take the next biggest room as your own.

DD gets the next room.

And by the sounds of it I’d turn the tiny room you will have left into another bathroom! Or at least find some space downstairs. 1 bathroom isn’t great for the 3 teenagers you will have in a few years time - bath or no bath!!

Good Luck!

Personally I would offer up 2 solutions.

1. they share and the smaller room be used as a games room or study

2. they draw straws over which room they get.

The split is 15/30 and 26/30. Therefore it is NOT fair to expect two double rooms sit unused for half the month when another child can make use of it.

If it were me, I'd ask them to have a think about it and if they can't decide between them, it can be decided by pot luck.

You may be surprised. I spoke to my boys 10&16 about swapping rooms. Initially the 10 year old was going to share with the 3 yr old in a double room but that's no longer happening. So I sat them both down and stated I felt the 16 year old needed the space more as he's getting older (and unlikely to move out in the next 4yrs).
Both agreed but a couple of weeks later my 16yr old came to me and said he prefers his room and could we just sort better storage.

You won't know unless you discuss with them how they feel. However your partner needs to tell them outright he was wrong to make promises ahead of time.

Someone earlier said the DH caused the problem by making promises and that the change to the bathroom is to benefit DH (mainly)

This PP said stop the bathroom work, save all the big bedrooms, DH can keep his promise, your DD can have a double bedroom

And DH can squat in the shower!!!

Do that!!!

Agree @TheDefiant simplest solution is ad is really. Until teenagers fly the nest.its only a couple of years. This way noone resents anyone, and everyone equally moans about lack of a bath.

*as-is

Sorry OP, you’ve been outvoted. The small shower room stays and you have happy children.

You may need to go without bath night with scented candles for a while, but otherwise is it such a bad outcome???

Could an en suite in the biggest bedroom be an option?? That would free up the family bathroom for the 3 kids and you and dp would have your own shower & toilet

@Katbum you want the boys to work at their mums? So basically you are saying they should make their mums their main home? Currently it is not.

Is there no-where in the house that your daughter could put toys and things? It seems like basically you have three children who each need a space with a bed wardrobe, chest of drawers and then the teens need a desk to and space to keep school stuff and do academic work, and the 9 year old needs space for toys, hobbies and homework. Could the 9 year old not have space in the living room for toys and playing, and have a high bed in the little room with a desk and wardrobe under it? My son is 10, here full time, has his own medium bedroom, but is in the living room 90% of the time he is awake in the house! We offered him a high bed for his 9th birthday to make his small, but not tiny room more spacious incase he wanted to be private in there, and he said no he was happy to be in the living room apart from when he sorts Pokémon cards which he does on his bedroom floor anyway!

This is a strange notion. Do you think the two boys should only eat the same as the DD as well to make it fair? Or have the same amount for both spent at Christmas as the DD?
A terrible way to treat children.

I don’t want anything as this is not my family. I just think that having a massive room with a desk is not the vital exam kit everyone here is suggesting. A kitchen table, outdoor home office, laptop in bed all would suffice if ops family decide they need a bigger room for dd’s things.