Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

I agree with pp saying to have a conversation with the boys; you may find that they're so pleased about having their own rooms, they don't care about the size. It might also be worth throwing in a sweetener for whichever ends up with the smallest room.

I did almost 50/50 (probably 45/55) between my mum and dad's growing up - I had a small room at my mum's and then changed to share with my sister (we were crammed in with bunk beds). At my dad's house I only ever had a tiny box room; it never occured ot me to complain because i was only there half the week and it was my own private space.

I personally think your DD should get a larger room and your DH was out of order promising the step kids the larger rooms. It isnt fair on your DD that she is there the majority of the time but gets a tiny room.

Thanks for the apology, yes of course you misunderstood me.

No, they didn’t want the best room at all. Just not a crappy camp bed in a storage room shared with other visitors. At their dad’s house. Funnily enough, they stopped visiting when they were old enough to make their own decisions.

If you find that entitled or ridiculous , good luck to you and any future step kids you may have.

OP if you haven't actually started the renovations yet it might be worth consulting an architect to see if there are any other options that solve your bedroom problem. I know it may not look that way to you based on the floor plan and the inadequate existing bathroom, but my DH is an architect and he just sees things in a way that I don't. Our house has undergone extensive renovations (almost finished!) and has gone from an inconveniently laid-out and dark house to one that is so easy to live and work in.

I hasten to add that I'm not offering his services as we are in the USA so probably not at all local to you!

Yes, it was clumsy to promise rooms before having finalised the changes and very silly to try to make you present the change to the children.

To me, the obvious solution is to make the children swap rooms at times so that not the same child has a tiny room all the time. Friends of mine have 3 children, one bedroom is an ex-wardrobe without any window and they've swapped about every year or two so that they all take turns having that one. (They prefer taking turns having that one rather than sharing.) Given the children's ages and when they might move away, it's not a matter of that long anyway.

Despite his putting you in this situation I'd accept that for the purposes of good relations his children get the big rooms to start with, but very clearly explained that next year x person (probably best to decide on who and when immediately, draw lots?) will swap to the small one.

(I'm not massively into decorating rooms for a particular person and would advise no pink horses for example but if you're a family where it's super important that a boy has a blue room for example it might be trickier.)

Also, if they were sharing it's still an upgrade getting your own room regardless of size! Surely one of the boys can see that taking the small room is still an upgrade from currently sharing

definitely this, when there are 5 of you in the house you will need 2 shower rooms

It isn't fair for the dc who is 50:50 not to have a decent room. It's still their home and they are there a lot.

I think it's reasonable to give a larger room to the younger dc as they tend to have more stuff and need floorspace for playing.

Maybe see if your eldest would go in the single?

Personally I'd save changing the bathroom for a few years before I made a dc feel they'd been downgraded.

I would rethink your plans about the bathroom: you are de-valuing your house by diminishing prime bedroom space for a bath no one uses. We took ours out and put a high end rainforest shower type single shower cubicle in. You’re making a costly mistake.

It is your daughters main residence therefore she gets a room to accommodate her.
The older of the two boys has the smaller room due to less toys/space needed to play. Decent cabin bed and he’ll have a chill space aswell as a bed.
Common sense!

@Stompythedinosaur why does having a smaller room feel like being downgraded? Plenty of houses have different size rooms and most I know would give the bigger room to the person who needs it and would benefit from it most. In this case it's the daughter who is there more than the other DC and has more items, toys etc.

People who LIVE in the home have precedence over those who don’t live there full time.

If dd is there pretty much full time then yes she should get the bigger room. especially given she'll use it much more than the teens will use theirs when they are at your house. Teens don't have stacks of stuff, not like younger children.

So basically your DP has messed up by promising.
So you need to speak to the teens and tell them that the plans have changed because you need to make a bigger bathroom and therefore either:

1. one of them takes the smallest bedroom or
2. They share the larger room and use the smaller one as a 'den'/'games room' whatever.

Those are the only solutions so they need to pick one. End of discussion. FYI A bribe may also help, teens are easily bribed with something or other to soften the blow. (new gaming console for the 'games' room?)

And you @ProbablyAmy and DP are only finding this out now? Any sensible person can instantly tell if a bath needs to be enlarged to ADD/ MAKE room for a bath. If not, that is a sensible reason to give to the DSC as to why there is now a single room.

My view: The person who lives at home requires a bigger room. However, if your contribution to the household and household budget is minimal, then DP is right to want bigger rooms for his children, if that's how he feels about your DD and your relationship with him- measured in what DD had previously and what change your presence in his life or to the family he feels.

Sorry, ultimately, it is what your DH feels about the above. If you had chosen a shitty DP, MN cannot help otherwise.

HNRWT

In fairness they live both there and their other home.

This.

Big difference in property value for 4 doubles vs 3 and a box.

I wouldn’t extend the bathroom just now. It’s not a huge priority and saves the issue with the bedroom. The chances are, your husband’s children will be staying less and less in the next 5-6 years once they approach adulthood. I would get a bath installed once his eldest is away to uni or got a job and his own place or whatever. I certainly wouldn’t be putting your DD in a smaller room in any scenario though.

If the boys already have another residence where they have a room filled with their things then your DD should not have the smallest room. They already have a space to store their things and although you want them to be happy and comfortable at your home your DD only has one house and one room. Ideally she should take priority with space. As others suggest you can try talking about this with the boys but ultimately you and your husband are the adults here and you will need to make the decision. Either way they are getting their wish and having their own rooms which is a far better deal than they have in their other home.

In regards to breaking the news to them, it would be nice if you did it together. However, is your husband is adamant that he will not inform them you will have to bite the bullet and do it yourself. Just be prepared to be labelled as the evil stepmother. This should also be a lesson to your husband to not make promises he cannot 100% deliver on.

Daughter gets a double room, boys share a double room, single room is a dressing room for boys.

@DuchessPotato
A storage room? shared with other visitors...so the spare room? Visitors slept on a camp bed?

There was no apology BUT I"M SURE YOU KNOW THAT!

Yes your child chose to stop visiting a parent, you did a great job! (that's more sarcasm btw) It would have been better for them to articulate their needs if they weren't being met. (or for you to help them) Long term his/her mental health will be impacted by failing to keep in touch with/have healthy relationship with both parents.

I think you have have a chip on you shoulder that you passed to your child.

If the boys already have another residence where they have a room filled with their things then your DD should not have the smallest room. They already have a space to store their things and although you want them to be happy and comfortable at your home your DD only has one house and one room. Ideally she should take priority with space.

This. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

The boys live 50 / 50 so why is it the other house that contains a room full of their things? Is this house not their home too?

Are you contributing to the house equally?

If so, you can also point out that you are getting a raw deal. He is getting two large bedrooms for his children while you are getting just one small bedroom for your child.

Do let him walk all over you.

More renovation work probably and I haven’t read the whole thread so don’t know if it has been suggested already but could you not also split the biggest of the bedrooms so that you then have 3 singles, you and DH have next biggest bedroom, then final double is used as a gaming space/playroom for DD with sofa bed for guests?

😂

I never said contact stopped. DC is now almost 30, healthy and all round amazing.