Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Why shouldn't the OP favour her child who will be in the house the most, and probably for the longest time?

My DC was so upset to be given the crappiest room when they stayed at their dad’s house, and that was only every now and then. This is probably why I feel so strongly.

Sounds like that's their Dad's fault for not making it nicer, but if they weren't there very frequently, why should they have had a better room? Presumably they had a nice room in your house.

@pushbaum it is nit unusual for children living 50/50 to have the worst room at both houses if both are now blended families.

The sons should have their own clothes and belongings there. If they are bringing a bag from mums it sounds as if he isn't buying them clothes or things for their room? This has to change.

So what if she is favouring her? The boys father is favouring them. The op and her dp own the house equally, he doesn’t get to call all the shots.

I think it is quite natural in a blended family situation to advocate for your own child, particularly if they are outnumbered by step siblings.

I don’t think having a bedroom and toys in the same space is ideal tbh. You can keep her clothes in your room?

She really has to have the smallest room.

This is the best one yet 😂Why on earth would the OP keep her DD's clothes in her room?
She really doesn't have to have the smallest room. She gets a big room, one of the boys gets a big room. That's the fairest way. It is amusing to see the lengths posters will go to to ensure the stepchildren both get a big room each. Nah, not fair at all.

I'd resort to bribery.
Whoever has the smallest room gets extra pocket money.

The reason that DSS’s bring bags instead of leaving clothes at ours permanently is because they are fashion conscious teens who own expensive clothing - they want to bring their Nike, Kenzo etc… we couldn’t afford to kit out their wardrobes with doubles of all of their expensive clothes!

Could one of the boys sleep on the smaller bedroom and the other gets the bigger one with desks for both in the bigger room? Something along those lines.

Or maybe one of them don't mind the smaller room. Older kids tend to have less stuff.

One of my DC has a box room. We have. loft bed with chests under the bed who act as a wardrobe. That enabled us to put also a desk in. Sometimes, you just have to be a bit creative but I would agree for DD to have a bigger room

Well they can have their own rooms @ProbablyAmy

Just one will have a larger one then the other

Why not ask the kids?
Maybe one of the teens won't mind, you never know.

Maybe your DH could throw in a sweetener - like the person with the small room gets a PS5 in it or something. Make it the desirable option.

His boys need to agree who is having the small room or carry on sharing and make the small room a den with games consoles etc . It is non negotiable. Just because your daughter is the youngest it doesn’t make her an inferior being .

They will always have a fab room in my house, wherever I live and even though they have left home. Myself and my DH have made that promise.

As for they shouldn’t have had a better room, if you have not lived it you are in no position to comment on that.

Sure, I was replying to a poster who said their child was upset to have the worst room in a house they were only in every now and then, so not a 50/50 situation.

Love the way so many say they will be off to uni and dd can move then into bigger room

They may. Or they may not

Only 2 friends went to uni. Myself and the rest of my friends went to college daily 16-18 then work

I was at home till I was 26 then bought own house

So boys are there 15/30 And dd 26/30 so yes makes more sense for her to have bigger room for all her toys etx

do you have a floor plan or current layout versus new one? Maybe there’s a solution with adjusting the plans?

Absolutely. My kids have always been the same. Kids don't want to be dictated about what clothes they can have at what house. My kids have always packed bags of stuff and gone between the houses, they tend to leave stuff at both places but ultimately they want to have control over their own clothes, not be dictated to as to what clothes belong at which house. My ex pays maintenance I kit the kids out with clothes, sometimes he has brought them extras. I find it very sad when kids have to have two sets of clothes at each house (its wasteful) and I've also heard of kids having to change out of clothes kept at dads house before going back to mums, thats not on for the kids. I understand why the adults would enforce this though.

As for the room issue, I think the resident kid full time gets a big room.

Do you have a floorplan? There may be other solutions with fresh pair(s) of eyes…

Is there a loft to convert?

Well it's impossible to fully understand without more context so 'if you have not lived it' is meaningless without any explanation about what 'it' is!

If they'll always have a fab room in the place they spend the majority of their time, and whatever 'crappiest' means in the place they were only in 'now and then', it doesn't sound so terrible. If crappiest means smallest, it was up to their father to make it welcoming and pleasant - if he didn't, then that's a whole other matter.

We moved our dd6 into the double over summer

She was in a small box room with high rise bed - wardrobe and chest of drawers. That's all that would fit

Toys /books under high rise bed and played there

So yes she outgrew it so we moved her to spare bedroom. Got rid of the comfy spare kingsize bed (sobs) but got a slim sofa bed for her old room now the spare which friends have stayed on and said comfy

That's what I was going to suggest, if altering the bathroom really must happen (and no, you don't need a bath). A single room for study & gaming for the boys makes more sense.

so the smallest of the doubles needs to lose space to create larger bathroom? this makes no sense. Surely it would be better to create an ensuite in the larger of the rooms. Even better if the boys rooms are adjacent then get a shared en suite bathroom between their rooms.

Thank you for that, because I tried so hard to make sure my DC felt wanted and loved, with a forever home. Divorce can be terribly uprooting for kids, it was for mine. I won’t derail this thread by going into our details, but yeah, it was heartbreaking for me to see how the living arrangements impacted my DC. He felt like a visitor, not like part of the family. As I say, this is why I feel strongly and get grrrrrrr about it.

I don't think it's fair that you'll have two double bedrooms empty half the month while your DD is stuffed into a small room.

I agree with others - the two boys could share a room to sleep and have the small room for gaming, chilling out, etc when they want their own space. Their dad needs to explain this to them since he went ahead and promised them a double each. If the boot was on the other foot and you'd promised your DD a double room against his advice, he'd be equally as stuck.

The child there the most gets the biggest bedroom. Sorry but she lives there every day and night apart from what 52 nights a year? And has to be disadvantaged into a tiny room? I wouldn’t accept that.

The boys can share and have the smaller room as a gaming/craft/chill out room. Or flip a coin for the bigger room.

Your husband is being very selfish and spineless. He shouldn’t have promised rooms unless he was certain, he needs to speak to his own children pronto.

Your DP was out of order promising rooms without agreeing with you first, considering you are both contributing equally.

Try explaining it in terms of maths (men like logic!) In the new house there are 3 x doubles and 1 x single so 7 "berths" in total. Your DP has bagged 5 out of 7 berths for him and his bio kids. Leaving you and DD with 2 out of 7 berths. But you pay 50% - how is that fair?

I think the fairest thing is to allocate one double and one single to the boys with the option they can swap every 6 months, or 12 months or whatever. Eldest goes first as will probably leave for uni first. Two desks in the larger room for a joint study space (if that's what they agree is preferred).

When I was at school I was friends with a girl who had two sisters. Their house had 3 doubles and a (small) single. They rotated the kids rooms between the three on a yearly basis and there was never a problem. Everyone had to have the small room sometimes but knew next year they'd get a big room. As your step sons are only there 50% it seems less necessary to do a three way rotation but it is still a possibility. Ask all the kids what they'd prefer.

Don't let DP ride roughshod over you or tell him you'll only pay two sevenths of the mortgage and see how he likes that!