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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Apparently this is the reason he broke up with me...

113 replies

Snowatnoon · 09/01/2024 19:59

Was together with ex for around a year. Very intelligent man and excelled career wise but has never been great at communicating his needs with me. Anyway he recently broke up with me, his reason being that "I don't do what he tells me to do" and I am not obedient therefore he can't see a future with me

I'm just really confused because he has never "told me to do anything". I'm just confused really.

OP posts:

EmmaEmerald · 09/01/2024 22:05

So not only does he expect obedience, he expects you to pick up what he wants you to do. Roll out a red carpet for him I guess.

Lucky escape.

Riverlee · 09/01/2024 22:07

He expects you to get subservient. Definitely a bullet dodged.

teraculum29 · 09/01/2024 22:09

Shame on you, how you could you read his mind and obey his demands!!

In all seriousness lucky escape, shame that the twat wasted year of your life

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2024 22:10

@Snowatnoon

"I don't do what he tells me to do" and I am not obedient therefore he can't see a future with me

I'm just really confused because he has never "told me to do anything". I'm just confused really.

Assuming this isn't some sort of wind up or a MRA posting to see how many of us are 'disobedient', I'm going to give you a serious answer.

There are men out there who don't speak directly, but give their 'orders' in a more subtle way. They won't say "Make me a sandwich", they'll say "Doesn't a sandwich sound good right now?". They won't say "You may not go out with your friends", they'll say "Jerry's hootchie wife went out with her friends last night. He wasn't happy about it". You're supposed to just understand that 1-you're supposed to go make him a sandwich and 2-women in relationships are supposed to stay home. If they don't, they're whores. You're 'disobedient' if you don't pick up on their subtle messaging.

The thing that's so insidious about this kind of man is that since they're never straightforward, you are expected to be on your toes straining to 'get' their unspoken 'commands' and to anticipate all their wants and needs. It's part of them controlling you because you end up walking on eggshells having to 'double think' about everything they say or do. Hell on Earth, believe me!

So no, he probably didn't 'issue you a direct order'. He dropped hints and clues and you didn't pick up on them. But what you DID do is dodge, not a bullet, but a full blown nuclear bomb.

FictionalCharacter · 09/01/2024 22:16

Men like this should have a warning tattooed on their foreheads so that women can avoid them.

TeaGinandFags · 09/01/2024 22:20

Obviously you are a very inadequate slave. How dare you not automatically know and do what your master demands of you?

Or this is an obvious case of the trash taking itself out. And trying to leave you with a mind fuck.

IMHO he wants to ensnare you to get you back. (Possibly in both senses of the word.) Aka hoovering. Listen to Ms Swift and shake it off. The man is a prize winning lady-hole.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/01/2024 22:32

Dodged a bullet there I think. He wanted you to be obedient? Sounds like he wants a zombie for a partner.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 09/01/2024 22:45

McMuffins · 09/01/2024 20:00

Ask him

Don't ask him anything. Just move on.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/01/2024 22:46

Whatadayyyy · 09/01/2024 20:00

Wow seriously, you dodged a bullet there. Run and don’t look back

Definitely. A very lucky escape!

Itsbritneybitch22 · 09/01/2024 22:50

He doesn’t sound intelligent at all and don’t waste any more time worrying about a man who’s trying to train you like a dog? Obedient? Is he alright?! I would block him and stay well away.

k1233 · 09/01/2024 23:05

I said YABU because I wouldn't even be trying to understand that statement and thinking of where I didn't do as "instructed". I'd be thanking my lucky stars that he showed his true thoughts before I'd invested too much time in the relationship. Early stages of the relationship are where you're trying to make good impressions. You've already flagged communication issues - could you imagine a future where he's not trying to impress? His communication would likely be abysmal with you copping flak and probably the silent treatment.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/01/2024 23:07

Just say thank god for that and move on big big red flag and you are well out of it

femfemlicious · 09/01/2024 23:09

Is he nigerian?😁

TheOGCCL · 09/01/2024 23:09

It sounds like he's picked up that you aren't going to allow him to control you. Just a bit odd how he's been so honest about it. Even if this is not the truth,.saying it makes him super weird and to be avoided. Because if the truth is worse than this what in earth would that be.

PreferablyNot · 09/01/2024 23:13

Some men just want women to be agreeable to everything without question.

It's always been a no from me and definitely best he's history.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 09/01/2024 23:30

LTB.

Oh.

Hang on. He did you a favour.

Phew... I think 2024 just got a whole lot better for you. I think you need to give him a parting gift, one he'll remember you forever by... maybe a little dog, a pet he can help to fulfil his need for something obedient in his life.

What a prat. You deserve so much better.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 09/01/2024 23:30

*fulfill

BlueGrey1 · 09/01/2024 23:42

What did you say to him when he said this to you? I

Why would he ever think that you would take orders from him!!!!! he clearly thinks that you are a lesser human being than himself
You definitely dodged a bullet, what an arrogant ASS

Agentdanascullyx · 09/01/2024 23:51

Do you live in gilead? Is he your commander? Tell him to fuck off and never contact you again, he sounds an absolute cunt

JFDIYOLO · 09/01/2024 23:52

None of us are confused.

What you had there was an emotionally constipated communication void, who failed to understand the difference between a partner and a domestic appliance.

They don't change.

What you are now is FREE.

No need for confusion whatsoever.

VampireWeekday · 10/01/2024 00:00

A great breakup gift: a solid reason to not want to ever see him again, right there in his break up speech.

Cassious · 10/01/2024 00:10

Creep

clpsmum · 10/01/2024 00:59

Congratulations on your freedoms

Duckingella · 10/01/2024 07:51

Tell him 1953 called and wants it misogynistic attitude back.

There's nothing confusing about it;he's a twat and you're well rid of him;imagine being the unfortunate woman who ends up saddled with him.

You'll meet someone else at some point OP.

Original poster

Snowatnoon · 10/01/2024 15:18

He called me last night and I asked him what he meant and he said he was joking. However, he has said a couple of things like that in the past, duration our relationship and although they haven't told me directly, two of his exs have said he was abusive.

To the poster that said FREEDOM I did actually feel free and relieved when he ended it but now part of me wants to see him again but then another part feels that there will be further problems down the line. I'm so conflicted I also feel that he has a weird "twisted" side and that he would get off by hurting me (emotionally/mentally) so I feel I can't really trust him. Come to think of it, I would not be surprised if he had sociopathic tendencies. I sure know how to pick em 😥

OP posts:

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