Page 8 | to be freaked out by how much our faces change between 45 - 55 years old?

tallowspa · 2024-01-09T15:12:16+00:00

I'm just back from visiting a friend in the flesh I haven't seen since 2019. It was really lovely to see her but she was very down about her looks and how much she feels her face has changed in the past few years as she is now 53. I think she still looks amazing but she does look different now. She is 7 years older than me and the last time we were together you wouldn't have thought she was older at all but now the age difference was visible. I work with women of all ages and one woman in her late 50's keeps saying how she looked good and like herself up until she was about 51 then within a year her face, skin and body changed and now she has just had to get used to never really feeling happy about how she looks or like herself. Even looking at photos of actresses with all the surgeons and treatments at their disposal you see the same changes so I don't think it is something you can really escape, its inevitable and natural. It just freaks me out though, I am 46 and still look like myself and I finally feel happy with how I look probably for the first time in my life but I know that over the next decade my face will change and probably not for the better. I'm not on about looking young, or attractive and I know that aging is a privilege and that the alternative to aging is death but I still feel so freaked out my how much our faces seem to change at this time of life, menopause I suppose. I am on HRT (since I was 42) and that probably helps but obviously it isn't a miracle worker and these changes still occur. I don't mind going grey or getting lines on my face its everything else and how our faces seem to fundamentally alter that freaks me out!

MissingMoominMamma · 09/01/2024 18:55

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/01/2024 15:18

Jesus. How you look is like yourself because it IS yourself. Assuming you haven't been disfigured, or are very ill, you look like you look at the age you are.

This total cognitive dissonance constructed by a society that mandates youthfulness for women is so damaging.

Refuse it. Refuse to consider yourself defective for the rest of your life (potentially another 50 years if you're lucky) because you no longer look like you did when you were 25 and nubile. When you became a teen did you feel you no longer "looked yourself" because you didn't look 10 any more??

This construction is built entirely around the decade or two of our lives when most adult men find us most sexually attractive, and female people are expected to spend our childhoods acting up into it, and our later years desperately chasing after it, until we can't any more when we are expected to simply disappear in shame.

FUCK THAT.

You look like the age you are, but you don’t look like you anymore.

My face has completely changed shape and sometimes I get a shock when I see my reflection because I’m used to the shape my face used to be.

I really look after my skin, and I don’t have a lot of wrinkles, but I really don’t look like me.

TheseLegsDefinitelyUsedToBeLonger · 09/01/2024 18:58

@herewegoroundthebastardbush bravo! That is all 👏

EnfysPreseli · 09/01/2024 19:00

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/01/2024 18:02

Being sexually competitive with your teenage daughter is a little odd.

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I assumed she was just trying to get served, not compete with her sexually.

Appleass · 09/01/2024 19:01

Thank god I am fortunate enough at 57 to be confident my chubby ageing face and body. I think people need stop being so vain and be thankful for being alive and healthy (assuming they are ).

Utterbunkum · 09/01/2024 19:03

I don't know about anyone else, but I notice it in photos more than in the mirror. Took one recently for a Railcard and genuinely said to husband, 'do I really look like that?'

Dibilnik · 09/01/2024 19:03

tallowspa · 09/01/2024 15:53

Again I understand that but for me it isn't really about that at all, its how I've come to know and view myself. I am well aware of how society conditions women.

Its more than losing beauty, its also tied up with knowing that you are getting old and closer to death. Of course it is natural and inevitable but its also a loss.

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I think this is really true, what you say about feeling closer to death.

I was really lucky in that post-menopause, I didn't really see many changes until I was almost 60, but since then the deterioration has been a bit obvious! I don't think I'd mind this if it weren't for watching my parents die and feeling a kind of "oops, here we go" slide into decrepitude 😟

It's always a shock seeing my reflection, or a photo. In the past, these could be reliably expected to look all right. Now... not so much 😶

I have a feeling that once my parents are gone, I'll be less focused on decline >>> destruction. Or maybe I won't!

Big believer in making the most of what we have, while we have it. Who knows, tomorrow I could lose a limb / be hit by an asteroid / fall under a bus!! and today's poor effort will suddenly seem like a wonderful peak that I failed to appreciate at the time.

britneyisnotokay · 09/01/2024 19:06

My mum is 57 and no lie she looks better than she did at 35 so speak for yourself. I'm not scared

Notellinganyone · 09/01/2024 19:06

I do know what you mean. I’m 57 and have been lucky in terms of genes. Hair still mostly brunette, skin pretty smooth and people have always commented that I look younger than my age. The last two or three years I definitely have noticed a change. It’s made me realise that I have valued people’s responses to my appearance and am having to adjust.

TheaBrandt · 09/01/2024 19:11

Im not sexually competitive you weirdo im
just trying to get served! Recently in a coffee shop dd2 and pal were served by the barista I was literally standing right next to them
chap didn’t even SEE me! Had to wave and say “umm I would like a coffee too!? “…and guess who was paying!

TheaBrandt · 09/01/2024 19:13

I don’t at 50 normally try and date 18 year old lads?! I’ve been very happily married for 20 years thank you.

Happened again in a shoe shop. Tried to buy shoes for dd1s prom nope young male assistant too distracted trying to ask dd2 out.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 09/01/2024 19:19

To use another analogy for those who says they don't value themselves on their looks. Lets say you value your career. You liked your job, some things you disliked but you were well respected and enjoyed the parts you were good at. Gradually the enjoyable parts were reassigned, bit by bit over the years, then imagine everyone who respected you stopped asking for your input, bit by bit until eventually they act like you are not in the room. But when you complain about it, you are told you are lucky to have a job at all, think of all the unemployed people out there.

Dibilnik · 09/01/2024 19:22

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 09/01/2024 19:19

To use another analogy for those who says they don't value themselves on their looks. Lets say you value your career. You liked your job, some things you disliked but you were well respected and enjoyed the parts you were good at. Gradually the enjoyable parts were reassigned, bit by bit over the years, then imagine everyone who respected you stopped asking for your input, bit by bit until eventually they act like you are not in the room. But when you complain about it, you are told you are lucky to have a job at all, think of all the unemployed people out there.

I think this is a really great analogy, but underlines how important it is to be with someone who "pays you a pension until you die", without question! 💗🤩

comingintomyown · 09/01/2024 19:22

I’m so relieved not to be burdened with feeling like that although I admit it felt like a big step to stop dying my hair and going white.
I was fairly attractive when young and was very keen on the male gaze but gave up on all that post divorce. I think in short I had my time as a hot young thing and am at peace with that time being long gone.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 09/01/2024 19:23

How awful it would be for your face to not show signs of your life and aging. How inhuman.

NewYear24 · 09/01/2024 19:26

I don’t feel like this, I’m almost 55 and I was just looking at my NYE photos and thinking how pretty I look, 54, pretty and healthy, I’ll take that.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/01/2024 19:28

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 09/01/2024 19:19

To use another analogy for those who says they don't value themselves on their looks. Lets say you value your career. You liked your job, some things you disliked but you were well respected and enjoyed the parts you were good at. Gradually the enjoyable parts were reassigned, bit by bit over the years, then imagine everyone who respected you stopped asking for your input, bit by bit until eventually they act like you are not in the room. But when you complain about it, you are told you are lucky to have a job at all, think of all the unemployed people out there.

Such a false analogy. Your career is something you work at, build up, do. The face is just something that is.

OhGetFucked · 09/01/2024 19:38

Be grateful 🤢

We can be glad to be alive and still have, you know, other thoughts and emotions and experiences. Jeez.

AnnabelC · 09/01/2024 19:41

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 09/01/2024 15:18

Jesus. How you look is like yourself because it IS yourself. Assuming you haven't been disfigured, or are very ill, you look like you look at the age you are.

This total cognitive dissonance constructed by a society that mandates youthfulness for women is so damaging.

Refuse it. Refuse to consider yourself defective for the rest of your life (potentially another 50 years if you're lucky) because you no longer look like you did when you were 25 and nubile. When you became a teen did you feel you no longer "looked yourself" because you didn't look 10 any more??

This construction is built entirely around the decade or two of our lives when most adult men find us most sexually attractive, and female people are expected to spend our childhoods acting up into it, and our later years desperately chasing after it, until we can't any more when we are expected to simply disappear in shame.

FUCK THAT.

You are sooo right.

emmetgirl · 09/01/2024 19:41

I'm 57. I'm honestly not that bothered. In many ways it's a relief to now not have to obsess over my appearance. I wasted far too many years doing that when I was younger.

Amista77 · 09/01/2024 19:42

Yeah, I don't like @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong 's analogy. You can do something about your job; you can get a new one, you can learn new skills. You can't do much about your face, unless you're prepared to spend a fortune on plastic surgery (invasive or non-invasive) and all the other shit that rich people do.
I don't mind about looking older (I'm 56), but I've never really been arsed about appearance. I appreciate it's different for some people, but I would say you have a lot to enjoy about being an older woman. At least, I've found that.

CharlotteBog · 09/01/2024 19:45

Appleass · 09/01/2024 19:01

Thank god I am fortunate enough at 57 to be confident my chubby ageing face and body. I think people need stop being so vain and be thankful for being alive and healthy (assuming they are ).

I don't think people are equating struggling to accept their aging self with confidence.

We can probably all remember as a kid thinking 55 was old old old, then all of a sudden you look in the mirror and realise it's you and you don't feel it at all.

A shift from thinking you have years ahead to do all the stuff you want to do, to realising that you'd better get a move on. Parents die, your peers start to get arthritis and decide if they want to "go grey".
My confidence is as it was, my outlook on life has changed.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/01/2024 19:46

@Nanny0gg and don't forget the crinkly décolletage !! I noticed mine for first time at new year (62)

chiwowowa · 09/01/2024 19:49

I know it does nothing for hormones or collagen, but I have taken up doing a few facial exercises and can see some improvement. For disclosure I'm not menopausal yet, though. I have seen lift particularly on one of my cheeks and I can see and feel my jawline is tighter. I used to be sceptical, but a Dr I know told me that of course face exercises done regularly can have effect on the muscles of your face just like it does on muscles of your body. Peta Prior - facerobics on youtube - has lots of videos.
Is facial change also to do with weight generally? There is that old saying, 'After a certain age you have to choose your face or figure.' I've always taken that to mean that women who are not too slim retain shape in the face more. Also fat cells produce oestrogen of course which probably helps. I haven't been slim for years so hope I can get some payoff from that 😀

margotrose · 09/01/2024 19:49

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 09/01/2024 19:19

To use another analogy for those who says they don't value themselves on their looks. Lets say you value your career. You liked your job, some things you disliked but you were well respected and enjoyed the parts you were good at. Gradually the enjoyable parts were reassigned, bit by bit over the years, then imagine everyone who respected you stopped asking for your input, bit by bit until eventually they act like you are not in the room. But when you complain about it, you are told you are lucky to have a job at all, think of all the unemployed people out there.

Your analogy makes no sense.

Your face is something you're born with, your career is something you choose and build up over your lifetime. And if you reach 45 and find you're miserable, you can go and do something else.

NoMoreBeers · 09/01/2024 19:57

Somewhere in my fifties my face just collapsed. I don't like it. Not one bit. But I am very fit and healthy and I'm trying hard to focus on that, and accept that this is in the normal pattern of life. I am lucky to be able to enjoy living in the world, all the wonderful things it offers. It's not always easy to focus on that but I find that consciously not dwelling on the negatives, but reminding myself of the positives helps. It's OK to be a bit pissed off though I think, once you move on from that as quick as you can.