to be freaked out by how much our faces change between 45 - 55 years old?

[tallowspa]

I'm just back from visiting a friend in the flesh I haven't seen since 2019. It was really lovely to see her but she was very down about her looks and how much she feels her face has changed in the past few years as she is now 53. I think she still looks amazing but she does look different now. She is 7 years older than me and the last time we were together you wouldn't have thought she was older at all but now the age difference was visible.

I work with women of all ages and one woman in her late 50's keeps saying how she looked good and like herself up until she was about 51 then within a year her face, skin and body changed and now she has just had to get used to never really feeling happy about how she looks or like herself.

Even looking at photos of actresses with all the surgeons and treatments at their disposal you see the same changes so I don't think it is something you can really escape, its inevitable and natural.

It just freaks me out though, I am 46 and still look like myself and I finally feel happy with how I look probably for the first time in my life but I know that over the next decade my face will change and probably not for the better.

I'm not on about looking young, or attractive and I know that aging is a privilege and that the alternative to aging is death but I still feel so freaked out my how much our faces seem to change at this time of life, menopause I suppose. I am on HRT (since I was 42) and that probably helps but obviously it isn't a miracle worker and these changes still occur.

I don't mind going grey or getting lines on my face its everything else and how our faces seem to fundamentally alter that freaks me out!

Agree OP. I was fine until my mid 40s and then had an early menopause and IVF twins. Within a few years my face and body had sagged, my hair is thin, my eyelashes almost non-existent, I have droopy eyelids and jowls and a saggy chin! Hideous!

I left a fairly active job when I had the twins, so I've never been sure whether the cause of my collapse is a) menopause, b) reduction in exercise or c) having children.....😁! But mostly I suspect the menopause.

My children genuinely don't recognise me in older photos when I was more attractive. This aging business is grim!

But the alternative, as they say, is a lot worse.....😂

I think it's a bit arrogant that women who have arrived at a different place than you on this matter are not being "truly honest about it". I think if this thread shows anything it is that people have a wide range of feelings about their aging faces - from upset re the sexual attractiveness declining, to fear of being reminded of their impending mortality, to dissonance with their internal self image, to enjoyment of their increasing exemption from the male gaze, to appreciation of the release of pressure from the expectation of being "fuckable" - is it so impossible that some women really don't find this "complex and difficult", that they are at peace with themselves and with aging and with death? Does that have to be a massive self-deception or a front?

But she also got to experience a huge, transcendent love; self expression; political engagement; public acclaim. I don't think she can be seen as a pitiable figure. She was full of life, even when she didn't want it. And she never stopped returning, loving, creating. I would not be brave or strong enough to live the life she lived but I don't think the fact it had pain and disappointment should result in it being seen as a failed life; just a lived one.

My mum is 68 and objectively she looks pleasant. Her face is still her face, older but not drastic. She just looks like a healthy happy woman in her 60s, rather than her 40s. I know other women who are just older, and certainly not suddenly ugly or wildly different

You can very much fucking tell. And good for her it it makes her happy; I mean to be fair looking good is pretty much her job. But if you reckon she looks natural I can only say get your eyes tested.

Yeah I am 52 and in the last year my face has really changed. Jowly. Crepey cheeks which really upset me.

Better then being dead though.

Quit with the aggression, completely unnecessary and at the same time learn to read properly, I never said you can’t tell she has had work done, I clearly state that she has had work done for sure, I also never said she looked natural at all, I said you can tell she has had the best work money can buy, I think she looks great, sorry that appears to have touched a nerve with you.

I love this, made me laugh out loud!

kettle, you have summed this up perfectly! I feel like this!

I get depressed looking at Amanda Holden on that program with Alan Carr. She’s older than me and looks a hell of a lot better.

But she must spend hours a week in the gym and having treatments, and never eating how she wants to eat. I’m not going to do any of that so I only have myself to blame for being a hag.

people put a lot of shit in their mouths and on their skin. Take care of yourself. Menopause seems to really hit some hard. Fuck what people think. I’m turning 49 in a month. I noticed lines on my neck under chin. Grrrr. Stress? Winter? My yoyo weight? Who knows . But damn ive been swirling around the universe on this big orb Called Earth with all of you whether weve met or not. Hell yes I’m celebrating my birthday. And I got dome awesome NIOD neck gel. I started taking my skincare more seriously. Back on the gut biome protocol snd using my Lumen. Getting my sleep.We cant predict how we will change. Nor can we correctly guess the mental health or happiness or true wealth of anyone.

That person who has so much you want - they might not even live ad long as you. Nobody on their deathbed thinks oh fuck i wish i had less wrinkles

Actually she does look her age in the photo but as has been said, looking good is her job and once you reach 50 or less, it's a constant battle and surgery and diet and exercise and all the rest. Easier to be a lesser mortal!

herewegoroundthebastardbush
Thank you.
With one post you have made me feel 100 % better after a shitty summer noticing how much things have changed since turning 50.
You absolute legend.

I agree. We are allowed to care surely, as long as we aren’t consumed by it. It’s natural to reminisce not just about looks but the way you feel, not being able to eat what we used to without putting on weight (unless you exercise). Feeling more tired etc.
This is the first year I’ve felt older! It’s nothing to do with being conditioned to think a certain way.

Such a good answer.

A few days ago I posted I was lucky I went through cancer. There is definitely a before and an after a diagnose like that.

The before is the worry about the small things. The after is knowing that something changed your profoundly.
Anyone in group I can guarantee would not give a damm about the changes in their face if one day, without warning, a doctor is in front of you say I can't say if you will go through this. I can't guarantee you will turn even 40.

Facing your own mortality is a real shock, it's undescribable but it has some benefits.

It's not about how we look. It's not a competition to see who seems to look better in their 40s, 50s or 60s. It's to actually wake up in the morning feeling good. And be able to walk and even run. To see the beauty of nature around you. To enjoy every sunrise. To live an ordinary life: go to work, see your children growing up, celebrate your birthdays. Enjoy the company of your friends.

Many many people aren't as lucky as we are.
To live a full life, that's what's all about.

I've noticed how much I've aged in the last 2 years. I'm 42 soon. I think I've hit perimenopause.

My nose is wider, I have lines around my eyes and my hair is going grey quicker than I can keep up with. I look like a different person 2 years ago. Middle age has really started to show on me.

It's OK, I'm trying to be fitter and healthier as I'll feel better all round - who knows bit of weightloss and a summer tan might work a bit of magic!

DelightfulDungeon The good news is you can improve the appearance and texture of your skin a lot if you are willing to invest some time and money and make lifestyle changes
Are you going to spill the beans?

I think it's fine to care, but I don't believe most women outside the glamour industry need to look like celebs. Or compare themselves to them.

"Normal" women don't need to try to look like Danii or Amanda Holden. Yes, yes, its everyone's choice to do what they want, but it's disturbing that the beauty industrial complex has made us feel like we need to do that.

I wouldn’t worry

as you just simply don’t care as much as you think you will

and that is so liberating

😬😆😅

I nearly howled with laughter at this!

Totally agree with all you say- I don’t buy magazines anymore as they are too depressing, models are all airbrushed.. i can’t understand why all these women want to look the same! I asked my fella if men really like women who have face/lip fillers, lashes that look like melted LPs & he reckons not- men like women who look natural, he can’t stand all the fakery. I have had the same Friends for years, who are now starting with Botox, fillers, etc but are insulting my intelligence by announcing the look is due to a new lipstick/ face cream 😂they look utterly ridiculous 😂

So you don't think subliminal advertising has anything to do with the way you feel as a woman about aging. Also, how young are the people creating the media campaigns that are a fight on aging.

It is sad for the soul if you can't accept aging, I think there is a benefit that comes with it, that enriches you. In a marriage or partnership most of us surely want to be with a best friend and the intimacy is beyond obsessive concern for looks.

@Reigateforever I rarely post and don't think AIBU is the place for that discussion after watching the thread. I think a thread in Style & Beauty may be the way to go. Although not RN as I'm too busy. Maybe later or tomorrow.

Interesting mindset but don’t agree people don’t ‘look like themselves’ because of ageing. The cosmetic things people do to try to prevent ageing make people look less like themselves.

Sarah Jessica Parker for example looks an appropriately older self (and far better IMO) than those who’ve gone down the cosmetic surgery route. It looks more unnatural to have frozen features or look 26 at 46 for example and gives ‘uncanny valley’ vibes.

Obviously there are biological/hormonal processes, such as menopause as you mentioned, men also experience ageing and many hair loss (even younger).

There are basic things to avoid - smoking, tanning and things that help like healthy diet, water, but beyond that more important things including challenging these beauty myths. I’m glad to see increasing use of older models for example.