to be freaked out by how much our faces change between 45 - 55 years old?

[tallowspa]

I'm just back from visiting a friend in the flesh I haven't seen since 2019. It was really lovely to see her but she was very down about her looks and how much she feels her face has changed in the past few years as she is now 53. I think she still looks amazing but she does look different now. She is 7 years older than me and the last time we were together you wouldn't have thought she was older at all but now the age difference was visible.

I work with women of all ages and one woman in her late 50's keeps saying how she looked good and like herself up until she was about 51 then within a year her face, skin and body changed and now she has just had to get used to never really feeling happy about how she looks or like herself.

Even looking at photos of actresses with all the surgeons and treatments at their disposal you see the same changes so I don't think it is something you can really escape, its inevitable and natural.

It just freaks me out though, I am 46 and still look like myself and I finally feel happy with how I look probably for the first time in my life but I know that over the next decade my face will change and probably not for the better.

I'm not on about looking young, or attractive and I know that aging is a privilege and that the alternative to aging is death but I still feel so freaked out my how much our faces seem to change at this time of life, menopause I suppose. I am on HRT (since I was 42) and that probably helps but obviously it isn't a miracle worker and these changes still occur.

I don't mind going grey or getting lines on my face its everything else and how our faces seem to fundamentally alter that freaks me out!

Hoo-fucking-rah to this!

Most of the time I think I am still looking like me, minus the bloody jowls (I am 50) and then I take a selfie and suddenly my mum is staring back. Weirdly though, it's my mum now (aged 85) and not how she looked when she was my age. WTF?!

Feminist or no feminist, I can't say I am loving it...

Yeah what happens to eyes?! So annoying. It's why I spend most time on eye makeup otherwise they just disappear

I'd say 60 plus is when things speed up in the ageing process so make the most of this time..😁

You are not wrong 😱

I agree with everything you’ve said but have to add that I found myself very attractive between the ages of 15 and 30… I still look like myself just about in my early 40s…(!) but it’s not just about what men think, it’s also different to look in the mirror and objectively recognise that your own face is not so pleasing to the eye anymore. Fact is, I don’t particularly want to look in the mirror and see decay and a spent force. I enjoyed seeing my face fizzing with life.

I think we have the same emotional reactions to our own faces as we do to other people’s – like when you see a cute kid and it makes you smile and feel warm towards them, or an attractive face that draws you back to look again. Beauty is largely objective and it’s not surprising that people don’t enjoy seeing themselves visibly decline. It’s a visible reminder that we’re heading towards death. I don’t need men to tell me that.

I am on both sides of this.

I lost two of my best friends young to cancer, 31 & 42. Ageing is a great privilege, and I never forget that.

On the other hand I have had "pretty privilege" since I was in my late teens. I am 46 now and only aware of this because I've had friends and partners point it out to me more recently as I am still considered attractive and treated quite nicely.

There are things I do for my looks and health like spf every single day, and oils and moisturizers.

I also look at older women on Pinterest whose style is amazing.

I have accepted I will age but I will never stop dressing up and feeling like a sexy woman..

I was at the theater recently and an older woman who looked around 70 came in wearing a gorgeous red dress, long gorgeous gray hair, red lipstick, and an attitude that just made me stop and stare. The woman was damn sexy and she knew it. She looked powerful and commanding, and utterly regal.

If I am lucky enough to age I'm not going to let anyone tell me I can't be attractive or sexy.

I am going to see myself as the aging goddess I am, and who the hell cares about how others see me?

It's absolutely this.

I have noticed that women with defined bone structure eg square faces age pretty well. Eg Judi Dench who is mentioned upthread. Their facial shape is in their bone structure so they get wrinkles, but the structure stays in place.

People like me who had soft faces with the shape coming from how the fat was distributed, lose the structure and shape as the collagen declines. And when you feel like a happy smiley person and look in the mirror and see a haggard person looking back, it's a shock!

I have noticed that women with defined bone structure eg square faces age pretty well. Eg Judi Dench who is mentioned upthread. Their facial shape is in their bone structure so they get wrinkles, but the structure stays in place.

Bone structure definitely plays a part. Heart shape faces, for example, with high cheekbones are less likely to experience sagging and jowls and will age more slowly in the lower face. Upper face not so much.
I don't know about other types, as the above is my own face shape! Though cheek and jaw filler is used for anti ageing so stands to reason bone structure where those areas are strong and defined helps.

Hi all, probably everyone's asleep now 😴 😂

Seemed like lots of views here and I am very much live and let live, I support women and what works for them.

I am 55 myself and also a cancer survivor. I think women see their appearance and how they dress etc in different ways. A couple of things that come to mind are, pleasure, women often just really enjoy the process of caring for themselves. Also I don't think getting older, having brushes with death, illness, bereavement preludes women from still enjoying esthetics of appearance.

Yes, no doubt there are women who reject all kinds of skin and beauty treatments as they see them as oppressive, unnecessary, irrelevant and genuinely have no interest. They also resent the messages we get that there is something wrong with natural aging and that as women we aren't accepted or can be literally ignored if we don't meet a certain level of youthfulness and attractiveness , and I understand that.

There is also a group of women around menopause and above who have had many years of juggling relationships, work, studies, kids etc etc and they feel like they never had time for themselves. They may get to a point where they now have the time and energy to do something for themselves and have some fun. That's what I find a lot of my clients from their mid 40s onwards say to me. I focus on helping them and building their morale.

So that's why I just start with asking why they came in to see me, often it's for relaxation and tranquility and to hide out from the world.

All cultures have always been interested in appearance, physical beauty and decoration and of course much of that is culturally determined. My industry is so interesting because it's probably 95+% female, with women business owners, managers, leaders and an atmosphere that prioritizes women and what we care about. So it's often a very fun and bawdy atmosphere to be honest! I really enjoy being around a lot of other women and having them as my client base.

@justaboutdonenow yes it's fibro for me too. So I've gone from a really fit busy working mum to almost recluse! I've joined swimming again so hopefully the exercise will boost my self esteem. It's rotten isn't it struggling with pain everyday. I feel better in myself when I look after my skin and hair. Hope you have a break from flare ups. Xxx

One of the best posts I've ever read.

You can’t possibly smile 24/7, you will look like a maniac!

@DelightfulDungeon Thank you for that post, it brings some much needed perspective to this conversation and counters some of the rather crude feminism which in my opinion lacks insight and nuance and is in fact set on shaming women rather than empowering them in anyway.

@Mischance Can't recall where, but I saw an article suggesting that Gen Z were ageing faster than their older sisters because of treatment regimes that don't suit young adults.
In the US, it's even worse with boob jobs for 16th and 18th birthday presents among the affluent, when bodies haven't yet fully developed.

Yes I saw that – think Alice Hart Davies shared it on insta. Maybe Daily Mail?

The vast vast vast majority of Gen X do not inject stuff into their faces. It's a tiny minority. Too small a minority to make any impact on the generation as a whole. It's just a loud and social media active minority so you see them.

Our faces do change a lot around that age. At 48 I still looked like me, pretty much as I always did. At 51 I looked in the mirror one morning and it's like I was looking at my DGM when I was a little girl. A very weird feeling.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush absolutely brilliant and accurate post.

I turn 60 in feb and I had to send the pension company a selfie of me holding my passport. Shocking to see my mother staring back at me. I think this similarity feels especially unnerving because she died of vascular dementia over many years, starting from about age 72.

I don’t think it’s just women who dislike it! Men fucking hate ageing as well. Not to say there isn’t more pressure on women over their appearance, but it’s not just a ‘women’s thing’

Could be worse. The woman in my photos for things like passports and Old Lady Pass on public transport is my GM.

Ha, I find your post so refreshing! 😊
It’s often the case on here - a woman says that she’s struggling with her looks, especially as she’s getting older, and gets lots of ‘Fuck the patriarchy!’ responses.
I think it’s more complicated than that.
It’s about change, and about getting older.
Of course aging is a privilege - that doesn’t mean it can’t also be pretty scary sometimes!
In real life, I can talk about it with my girlfriends. We can laugh about it, complain about it, exchange skincare advice or exercise tips or whatever.
I wouldn’t tell my friends how to feel about themselves though.

But maybe her face hasn’t changed ‘dramatically’?
My face has changed (similar age as OP), but definitely not dramatically. More wrinkles, more definition, less plump - but that’s it. I get what OP is saying.

This is part of the reason teenagers have such a hard time - they are literally in a body that is almost wholly different from the one that they hold in their mind.

Exactly. I still remember that feeling of discomfort caused by all those changes happening to my body in my early teens.
I used to wish it would just go back to the way it looked like before.
I don’t think teenagers are necessarily a great example of how to be comfortable with your changing body.

I totally agree that the "Fuck the patriarchy" response are very one note and lack insight, depth and nuance. Sure it might be comforting or easy for some to see it as throwing off the shackles of oppression but I think its a lot more complex than that.