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AIBU?

To feel resentful of boyfriend's hobbies with newborn baby?

82 replies

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 12:52

Hi all,

Just wanted to post for unbiased opinions here, just wanted to gauge other people's thoughts and try and figure out whether or not this is a "me" problem!

So for context, I gave birth to my first child nearly 6 weeks ago, had quite a complex birth and was immobilised for a few weeks during which time my partner was amazing, did absolutely everything for the baby and I and was around us 24/7 being on hand in absolute every way (he doesn't live with me but stays at my house with us literally every night however still has his own house in a neighbouring city) he took four weeks off work in total and again was with us constantly doing everything and anything needed. He has now returned to work (he works from home and again spends all this time at my house and still chips in with the baby wherever he can throughout the day), and still shares the nighttime feeding, changing etc with me. So all in all he really is fantastic, just one thing niggling at me...

Prior to the birth of our baby he had regular hobbies that he was committed to per week as he plays for teams, football training on Tuesday evenings which is from 6-8.30, darts matches on Weds evenings from 6-late and football matches every Saturday from 12-5. He has put all these things on hold since the birth of our child, but told me yesterday he would be resuming all these hobbies from this week. He has said he will be able to be flexible, i.e if we want to make a plan for a Saturday he would work football around it, and also said they only actually have four matches left until the end of the season (April-ish) so it won't necessarily be EVERY Saturday, he has also said he is happy for me to have free evenings on the other evenings in the week so I can get out and about (to be honest though it's the last things on my mind, I'm knackered and hate being away from the little one!)

Basically it just felt like we were in a little bubble where I was massively supported and I'm already feeling the strain of him being back at work, and now worried about factoring in losing his support during the times I mentioned above on a regular basis. As I said he's still around during the day and can relieve me of some pressure, but just scared that the days/evenings/Saturdays are just going to feel like a lot without any let up!!

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, more than happy to hear it if you think that's the case!!

OP posts:
lilaclustre · 09/01/2024 12:57

Why doesn't he officially live with you? He could rent his place out surely. Seems a strange arrangement when you have a newborn...

DreadPirateRobots · 09/01/2024 12:57

I think given that 1) he has in fact been a great support to you so far 2) he is willing to enable you to take time out, it is reasonable that he resume some hobbies. However, I think it's also fair that he takes a gradual approach to this. He's probably straight up not going to have time for all that any more, especially if he's also going to cover the baby three times a week for YOU to have time off and assuming that you might also want some family time.

I'd suggest that you discuss him restarting his most important hobby and you also having a regular slot to yourself, even if all you do with it is have a long bath or an undisturbed nap. The important thing is that it's your time and it's sacred, and if he can't stop the baby crying or something then he bloody well takes it out for a walk instead of interrupting you. But make it clear that changes do have to happen when you go from two to three, and parents do have to throttle back on hobby time in the first year at the very least. It's not forever.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 09/01/2024 12:58

Football every Saturday or only 4 left until April is a big difference?

I would be fine with this, providing you get your own time too - the football training is keeping fit like going to the gym and the darts is his social time.

4 footballs matches in three months is not bad either.

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/01/2024 12:59

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all. It sounds as if he is playing his part and that he is happy for you to have time to yourself.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 09/01/2024 13:00

Personally I think two nights a week and one full weekend afternoon if it’s every weekend is too much.

Randommother · 09/01/2024 13:00

Yes, you are being unreasonable. He has 4 more matches til the end of season, as is supporting you if you need some time out. Life doesn’t need to go on hold when you have a baby, you just need to make adjustments, he’s working (presumably to support the baby and you), and has been hugely supportive so far from what you’ve said. This all sounds fair to me, take the time he’s offering you to get some down time, even if it’s just having a bath and an early night - and don’t resent him having his time, he has commitments to work, his team mates and his new family, it sounds like he’s doing a pretty good job of trying to balance them.

TooMuchPinkyPonkJuice · 09/01/2024 13:01

@DreadPirateRobots nailed it.

Did you discuss this before TCC? Or during pregnancy?

TheJanuaryPinks · 09/01/2024 13:02

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Hankunamatata · 09/01/2024 13:03

I don't think he is being unreasonable. Two evenings a week (one being a couple of hours) and what every other Saturday?

OnlyYellowRoses · 09/01/2024 13:06

Very gently suggesting that it's you who is BU here.
It sounds like he's bending over backwards and being very supportive. He's also offered to let you have equal amounts of 'you' time.
Sounds very reasonable from his point of view.

Healthyhappymama · 09/01/2024 13:07

I get that, the thought that he now has other things to do , like the little bubble you are in will burst as he gets on with his hobbies. I think you will be absolutely fine and get used to these new routines. He sounds an amazing partner and father and so important for him pursuing his hobbies which I think you should support. Life , situations and routines will change a long the way, as long as you both remain supportive towards eachother and baby everything will ne ok

SwingTheMonkey · 09/01/2024 13:09

Sorry op, I think, providing he’s as hands on as you say he is, and he’s offering you equal amounts of you time, you are being really unreasonable.

You can’t expect him to devote his entire time to you alone.

Why don’t you live together btw? That seems bit odd to me.

PieAndLattes · 09/01/2024 13:09

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable- especially as he’s clear about making time for you to get out and about. You can’t live in a baby bubble forever - life goes on. Can I suggest that even if you don’t feel like it you make the effort to go out once or twice a week. This could be to see a friend, go to the gym for a swim, watch a movie with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s - even a walk round the local park and a coffee is better than nothing. It will help to give you some perspective and remember you are more than a mum - there are great benefits for your health and wellbeing which will enable you to support your new family better. It will also help your partner to be confident and bonded with baby, and for you to be confident in his care and abilities.

LaurieStrode · 09/01/2024 13:12

OnlyYellowRoses · 09/01/2024 13:06

Very gently suggesting that it's you who is BU here.
It sounds like he's bending over backwards and being very supportive. He's also offered to let you have equal amounts of 'you' time.
Sounds very reasonable from his point of view.

This.

Did you discuss or plan for any of this before conception? What is your long-range plan?

Meadowfinch · 09/01/2024 13:15

I think you are a little unreasonable.

He took four weeks off, does his share and is openly flexible so you just need to say if you want to swap days etc. But everyone needs a life, and he presumably doesn't want to live in a bubble.

Why don't you have friends or your mum round while he is out. Give yourself a few more weeks, perhaps until the spring and then accept his offer and leave the baby with him while you go to the gym one night a week. Or to an art class.

It isn't healthy to be to isolated. A change of scene & conversation is important.

Sux2buthen · 09/01/2024 13:19

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Rubbish

Aria2023 · 09/01/2024 13:28

Sounds like he's very hands on and is being fair by offering you the equivalent 'me time'. However, I do understand that you don't actually want the equivalent right now because you don't want to be parted from your baby, so the offer isn't as appealing as it sounds.

I had a similar thing with my dh, all I will say is, as they get older, you do start to feel more ok with having 'me time' and I now like the arrangement where dh takes a morning doing his hobby and I then get a morning to myself too.

My suggestion would be that if you don't feel ready to take 'me time' away from your baby, arrange it so you have family time, but that your partner does the 'hard' work (feeds, nappy changes etc...) and you relax a bit and just enjoy being around your baby and partner and just taking things in.

Jungleballs · 09/01/2024 13:29

It is completely normal to feel different to him: there is a strong biological reason why you don’t want to leave your baby yet! But I would agree that he should build up slowly. My experience of these early months were that even the basics of getting enough sleep and keeping the house tidy were extremely difficult. There wasn’t a slot for anyone to have me-time! Especially not multiple times a week.
Things will be much easier in a few months. I think once you are able to get back to normal life a bit more, make sure you take time for yourself if you can.

Jungleballs · 09/01/2024 13:32

Just to add, if you feel baby is sleeping well and you’re on top of the house stuff, it’s not unreasonable for him to have time out. If not I would ask him to go slowly. Don’t be afraid to communicate how you feel - you’re working things out together.

Hiddenvoice · 09/01/2024 13:38

It’s only natural to feel worried about trying to do everything on your own. I felt the same when my dh went back to work but you need to remind yourself that you’re not doing it by yourself. He sounds like he’s been a brilliant support and I think it’s fair that you both try Incorporate some ‘me’ time. He sounds like he’s flexible in the way of suggesting you need support one day then he’d skip a hobby which is great.
Id suggest you take him up on the offer of trying to do something for you!

It’s hard when you’re living the life but very gently, you’re being a little bit unreasonable here.

Didimum · 09/01/2024 13:44

I don't think him just offering her the equivalent nights off makes it 'OK' – not at 6 weeks in. He cannot use that offer as declaration that therefore it is fair, because while equal free time is one thing to consider in new family life, it isn't the only thing to consider.

I think 2 full evenings and one full Saturday is way too much hobby time with a 6 week old baby. I think it's reasonable that he drop one of them.

Mariposistaa · 09/01/2024 13:47

Sounds reasonable. What are your hobbies? He isn’t standing in the way of you having any.

blackpanth · 09/01/2024 13:47

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Yeah fair enough you need to be living together. But you don't need to be married. I've got 2 babies with my partner and not married.

Chaiilatte · 09/01/2024 13:50

If he wasn't pulling his weight, I would be pissed off about this. But seeing as he sounds quite hands on and supportive I'd let him get on with this. Especially seeing as he had these particular hobbies prior, and hasn't just taken on an extra load after your birth.

plus, he's offered for you to do something on the days he's there. He sounds respectful and reasonable.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/01/2024 13:56

I don’t understand how if he is sleeping and working at your house, you don’t think he lives with you? Is this what he says? Why?

anyway, compared to a lot of the stories on here, your partner seems to be involved and caring.

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