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AIBU?

To feel resentful of boyfriend's hobbies with newborn baby?

82 replies

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 12:52

Hi all,

Just wanted to post for unbiased opinions here, just wanted to gauge other people's thoughts and try and figure out whether or not this is a "me" problem!

So for context, I gave birth to my first child nearly 6 weeks ago, had quite a complex birth and was immobilised for a few weeks during which time my partner was amazing, did absolutely everything for the baby and I and was around us 24/7 being on hand in absolute every way (he doesn't live with me but stays at my house with us literally every night however still has his own house in a neighbouring city) he took four weeks off work in total and again was with us constantly doing everything and anything needed. He has now returned to work (he works from home and again spends all this time at my house and still chips in with the baby wherever he can throughout the day), and still shares the nighttime feeding, changing etc with me. So all in all he really is fantastic, just one thing niggling at me...

Prior to the birth of our baby he had regular hobbies that he was committed to per week as he plays for teams, football training on Tuesday evenings which is from 6-8.30, darts matches on Weds evenings from 6-late and football matches every Saturday from 12-5. He has put all these things on hold since the birth of our child, but told me yesterday he would be resuming all these hobbies from this week. He has said he will be able to be flexible, i.e if we want to make a plan for a Saturday he would work football around it, and also said they only actually have four matches left until the end of the season (April-ish) so it won't necessarily be EVERY Saturday, he has also said he is happy for me to have free evenings on the other evenings in the week so I can get out and about (to be honest though it's the last things on my mind, I'm knackered and hate being away from the little one!)

Basically it just felt like we were in a little bubble where I was massively supported and I'm already feeling the strain of him being back at work, and now worried about factoring in losing his support during the times I mentioned above on a regular basis. As I said he's still around during the day and can relieve me of some pressure, but just scared that the days/evenings/Saturdays are just going to feel like a lot without any let up!!

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, more than happy to hear it if you think that's the case!!

OP posts:
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s4usagefingers · 09/01/2024 13:57

Since he sounds like he’s pulling his weight otherwise it’s only fair for him to have some time for his other commitments as well.

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MikeRafone · 09/01/2024 13:59

he is happy for me to have free evenings on the other evenings in the week so I can get out and about (to be honest though it's the last things on my mind, I'm knackered and hate being away from the little one!)

get him to have baby and go and sleep for 2 /4 hours
As baby grows, make sure you book out 2 nights a week with friends to visit them or go to the cinema etc

you are still a person, dad is being hands on so leave him to it and you'll reap the rewards by leaving him to it later on

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Newsenmum · 09/01/2024 13:59

Is he’s the baby’s father? If so, it needs to be more equal I agree. The idea should be you have equal amount of ‘time’ for hobbies. Have you expressed your worry about this? I think a gradual go back to some hobbies can work but it does seem like a lot.

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Blahblahblah2 · 09/01/2024 14:00

Surprised by these comments. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are looking after the baby during the day, so he should be available most evenings and weekends to support you. Offering you the equivalent time off does not make it ok - you have a biological imperative to stay with the baby right now. One evening a week would be all right with me, but not three events.

I know lots of women seem fine with their partners running off every weekend to do hobbies, leaving them alone with the children, but I would not be! And my husband wouldn't be ok with that either. Looking after small children is just too much work.

It's strange you don't live together!

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 14:02

Thank you everyone for your comments, some really helpful things on here that have helped put things into perspective and I'm really pleased to have heard opinions that have helped me realise that I am being unreasonable as he is so attentive and helpful for so much of the week!

Just as a side note for anyone speculating on why we don't "officially live together" and aren't married, this really isn't relevant as there are additional things that I don't need to disclose and aren't remotely relevant to this thread.

Thank you for all the comments remarking that he is is a wonderful father as he really is and a massively supportive partner. Happy to concede that I am, in fact, being unreasonable!

OP posts:
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AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 09/01/2024 14:03

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/01/2024 12:59

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all. It sounds as if he is playing his part and that he is happy for you to have time to yourself.

He's the father of her child and doesn't live with her?

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Abouttimemum · 09/01/2024 14:04

I think every Saturday would do my head in generally but it sounds like he’s willing to be flexible around this anyway if you wanted to do something together and that in fact it’ll be august / September before it’s up and running again after these four matches.

The week nights wouldn’t bother me.

I know it’s early days and I didn’t want to go anywhere either but it’ll be good for you just to have some time on your own or with family / friends. I’d probably be tempted to go to the cinema alone, eat popcorn and snooze 😴

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 14:05

To confirm, he "doesn't officially live with me", because he still owns a house in a neighbouring city due to extended family circumstances which are irrelevant to this thread. He is with me every day and every night and financially supports his child. The logistics of why he still has his house are not connected to mine and his relationship

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mindutopia · 09/01/2024 14:07

I think you need to suggest that to get in an equitable amount of time to yourself, you'll need Mondays 6-8, Thursday 6-late and every Sunday all day. This essentially mirrors his hobby time.

Then together work out how you'll balance that and when you'll fit in family time together. Everyone needs time to still be themselves once they become parents. But practically speaking, on an every week basis, if you each carve out that much time, then it seems a bit unworkable. Once you map out the week together, it then might mean you can talk about what needs to give. Working all day every day, plus two weeknights out and a whole weekend day doesn't leave much time for being a parent, especially when you don't officially even live with your child.

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AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 09/01/2024 14:15

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 14:05

To confirm, he "doesn't officially live with me", because he still owns a house in a neighbouring city due to extended family circumstances which are irrelevant to this thread. He is with me every day and every night and financially supports his child. The logistics of why he still has his house are not connected to mine and his relationship

Ok good luck with that babes

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RedPony1 · 09/01/2024 14:26

I think he sounds great.

I always think its odd when women get pissed off on MN that men have committed hobbies when they have babies.

All of my female friends have committed hobbies - horses, and they don't give that up when they give birth, they manage with a tiny baby and doing the horses, without exception. Sometimes their partner comes with them, mostly they take the babies alone every day.

Howe is that different?

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Jungleballs · 09/01/2024 14:34

RedPony1 · 09/01/2024 14:26

I think he sounds great.

I always think its odd when women get pissed off on MN that men have committed hobbies when they have babies.

All of my female friends have committed hobbies - horses, and they don't give that up when they give birth, they manage with a tiny baby and doing the horses, without exception. Sometimes their partner comes with them, mostly they take the babies alone every day.

Howe is that different?

The difference is that they are not leaving the baby at home with the partner. They are doing the hobby and the childcare at the same time.

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Allfur · 09/01/2024 14:44

It's not irrelevant to this thread that he doesn't live with you, it's a crazy situation, he is not a 'wonderful father sbd supportive partner'

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Sunset6 · 09/01/2024 14:51

I’d compromise and say he can do either the football or the darts but not both. Once the baby is six months or so and is sleeping reliably in the evenings then it doesn’t really matter if one of you goes out in the evenings, so he could do both at that point.

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TheJanuaryPinks · 09/01/2024 14:52

blackpanth · 09/01/2024 13:47

Yeah fair enough you need to be living together. But you don't need to be married. I've got 2 babies with my partner and not married.

And just like OP, you’re being taken for a mug.

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Catza · 09/01/2024 14:53

Allfur · 09/01/2024 14:44

It's not irrelevant to this thread that he doesn't live with you, it's a crazy situation, he is not a 'wonderful father sbd supportive partner'

He is doing his share of childcare and looking after his partner. If you think the only thing that qualifies the man to be "a supportive partner" is his home address, I urge you to look through MN threads with deadbeat dads who game on the couch while women run circles around them and the children.

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AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 09/01/2024 14:53

RedPony1 · 09/01/2024 14:26

I think he sounds great.

I always think its odd when women get pissed off on MN that men have committed hobbies when they have babies.

All of my female friends have committed hobbies - horses, and they don't give that up when they give birth, they manage with a tiny baby and doing the horses, without exception. Sometimes their partner comes with them, mostly they take the babies alone every day.

Howe is that different?

says the person with pony in their user name

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Allfur · 09/01/2024 14:54

Does he have another family

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 14:57

Wow lots of man haters on here and clearly people that have been burned in relationships! Thank you for the rational comments, really given me some clarity so thank you. To all the others who clearly spend their days scouring mumsnet to bash men, I'll leave you to it lol

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Miyagi99 · 09/01/2024 15:13

TheJanuaryPinks · 09/01/2024 14:52

And just like OP, you’re being taken for a mug.

Why are you a mug if you don’t get married (or live with your partner)? I won’t marry and I don’t think I’ll ever live with someone full time again (happy child and happy 18 year relationship btw).

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Wictc · 09/01/2024 15:14

It’s important for both of you to have some time for yourself and remember who you were before children. Maybe not now as you don’t feel ready, but later definitely take a couple of evenings for yourself to see friends or do hobbies (the baby will hopefully be asleep so it won’t matter where you are)!

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Crumpleton · 09/01/2024 15:22

My DH has a hobby, same one that he was doing for 5 years before we met, been together over 40 years and I've never expected or wanted him to give it up, if I had of done that would have been a conversation for pre children.

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TheMamaYo · 09/01/2024 15:31

YABU. And it’s lovely to see
you recognise that.
It’s good to have a life you enjoy, even (especially)
when you have children. It sounds as if he is thoughtful around it too.
Make sure to take time out for yourself as well. Two happy
parents makes a great team.

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LolaSmiles · 09/01/2024 15:33

I always think its odd when women get pissed off on MN that men have committed hobbies when they have babies.

I suspect there's a lot of posters on Mumsnet who don't have many hobbies or interests so the idea that other adults might have a life outside their home and children blows their mind.

There are the awful men who conveniently take up new and time consuming hobbies once a baby arrives to opt out of family life, but generally speaking people who had interests and hobbies before children were never going to stop having interests and hobbies after having children. How they're done will change and be flexible but fundamentally people with interests aren't going to suddenly lose them.

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SwingTheMonkey · 09/01/2024 15:33

Crumpleton · 09/01/2024 15:22

My DH has a hobby, same one that he was doing for 5 years before we met, been together over 40 years and I've never expected or wanted him to give it up, if I had of done that would have been a conversation for pre children.

Exactly. If you meet someone who has specific hobbies that occupy some of their time, you cannot complain when they understandably want to continue those hobbies after a child is born.

The idea that once a child has arrived, the mother has the ability or right to tell her partner he can’t do something anymore is mind boggling.

OP’s other half seems perfectly reasonable and has said he can work stuff around her if she wants him to and I imagine if she said she was struggling, he’d alter his commitments. But telling someone they can’t do something for no other reason than you just don’t want them to. Just no.

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