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AIBU?

To feel resentful of boyfriend's hobbies with newborn baby?

82 replies

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 12:52

Hi all,

Just wanted to post for unbiased opinions here, just wanted to gauge other people's thoughts and try and figure out whether or not this is a "me" problem!

So for context, I gave birth to my first child nearly 6 weeks ago, had quite a complex birth and was immobilised for a few weeks during which time my partner was amazing, did absolutely everything for the baby and I and was around us 24/7 being on hand in absolute every way (he doesn't live with me but stays at my house with us literally every night however still has his own house in a neighbouring city) he took four weeks off work in total and again was with us constantly doing everything and anything needed. He has now returned to work (he works from home and again spends all this time at my house and still chips in with the baby wherever he can throughout the day), and still shares the nighttime feeding, changing etc with me. So all in all he really is fantastic, just one thing niggling at me...

Prior to the birth of our baby he had regular hobbies that he was committed to per week as he plays for teams, football training on Tuesday evenings which is from 6-8.30, darts matches on Weds evenings from 6-late and football matches every Saturday from 12-5. He has put all these things on hold since the birth of our child, but told me yesterday he would be resuming all these hobbies from this week. He has said he will be able to be flexible, i.e if we want to make a plan for a Saturday he would work football around it, and also said they only actually have four matches left until the end of the season (April-ish) so it won't necessarily be EVERY Saturday, he has also said he is happy for me to have free evenings on the other evenings in the week so I can get out and about (to be honest though it's the last things on my mind, I'm knackered and hate being away from the little one!)

Basically it just felt like we were in a little bubble where I was massively supported and I'm already feeling the strain of him being back at work, and now worried about factoring in losing his support during the times I mentioned above on a regular basis. As I said he's still around during the day and can relieve me of some pressure, but just scared that the days/evenings/Saturdays are just going to feel like a lot without any let up!!

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, more than happy to hear it if you think that's the case!!

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Ladyj84 · 09/01/2024 15:35

Don't see your problem focus on what a great partner and actually he is going to make sure you get time also

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Allfur · 09/01/2024 15:38

Op, you literally started a thread complaining about a man, and yet you accused posters of being man haters!

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TheJanuaryPinks · 09/01/2024 15:40

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 14:57

Wow lots of man haters on here and clearly people that have been burned in relationships! Thank you for the rational comments, really given me some clarity so thank you. To all the others who clearly spend their days scouring mumsnet to bash men, I'll leave you to it lol

I’m confused. Where are the man hater comments? Confused

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 15:48

Allfur · 09/01/2024 15:38

Op, you literally started a thread complaining about a man, and yet you accused posters of being man haters!

I'm unsure as to where the complaint lies, I tried to articulate that I may well be being entirely unreasonable and was keen to see the perspective from others to get their viewpoints, I believe this to be significantly different from the bashing that people have done in respect of the situation. I am also entirely certain that much of my original post centred around describing how supportive and wonderful my partner had been, he has actually seen the post as I shared it with him and didn't feel like I was being unreasonable with the way in which I described the situation. So I think the definition of "complaint" has become lost in translation a bit.

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NitsGalore · 09/01/2024 15:50

lilaclustre · 09/01/2024 12:57

Why doesn't he officially live with you? He could rent his place out surely. Seems a strange arrangement when you have a newborn...

Benefits?

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Kwam31 · 09/01/2024 15:51

OP you can't put life on hold forever, he sounds very supportive and all
parents need time to themselves not just mum.

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Crumpleton · 09/01/2024 15:54

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 15:48

I'm unsure as to where the complaint lies, I tried to articulate that I may well be being entirely unreasonable and was keen to see the perspective from others to get their viewpoints, I believe this to be significantly different from the bashing that people have done in respect of the situation. I am also entirely certain that much of my original post centred around describing how supportive and wonderful my partner had been, he has actually seen the post as I shared it with him and didn't feel like I was being unreasonable with the way in which I described the situation. So I think the definition of "complaint" has become lost in translation a bit.

TBF not once did I read this post as a complaint...infact OP pretty much put their DP on a pedestal from the off.

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 15:54

TheMamaYo · 09/01/2024 15:31

YABU. And it’s lovely to see
you recognise that.
It’s good to have a life you enjoy, even (especially)
when you have children. It sounds as if he is thoughtful around it too.
Make sure to take time out for yourself as well. Two happy
parents makes a great team.

Edited

Yes I agree! I think the world post-natal can seem a bit scary and unknown so it's great to get some rationale from people who may well be thinking more clearly!

My partner whilst working from home still continues to do 8am and 5pm feeds, as well as using his lunch break to take our baby and dog for a walk, changing nappies throughout the day and gives me regular breaks where he entertains little one while I go and get a breather.

Seems crazy to me some of the comments that I'm being taken for a mug, or the crazy one from @AndrewGarfieldsLaptop something something "babes"... (cringe). Really baffling that people are so ignorant that they can't imagine a family situation whereby someone's house would still need to be accessible and that this would be more unacceptable than married partners who do absolutely nothing to help their partner or children!

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 15:56

@NitsGalore my partner and I are both on the senior leadership team of different organisations. No, we're not on benefits

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 15:57

Kwam31 · 09/01/2024 15:51

OP you can't put life on hold forever, he sounds very supportive and all
parents need time to themselves not just mum.

Yes I do agree, I think the mind can just become a bit distorted post natal and have you questioning everything!

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NitsGalore · 09/01/2024 15:58

Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 15:56

@NitsGalore my partner and I are both on the senior leadership team of different organisations. No, we're not on benefits

Ooh get you.

In answer to your question YABU he's stepped up way more than most dad's and he doesn't even live with you. You can cope on your own a few times a week. You're a mum now, and don't be a nag. As and when you want to get back to your own hobbies it sounds like he's also very supportive so YABU.

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Sapphire387 · 09/01/2024 16:03

I think it would be reasonable to go for an 'inbetween' - football practice on Tuesday evenings, the Saturday football matches (you say they are not every week?) but maybe leave the darts a while and see how it goes.

It's not controlling to ask your partner not to go out as much when you have a baby. You are both responsible for that baby and therefore you do need to check with the other partner before swanning off. In my opinion.

You're hardly chaining him to the kitchen sink - just asking him to take things more slowly in terms of social life. Your baby is still very young.

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AuntieSoap · 09/01/2024 16:04

I like to think I'd be supportive of him returning to his hobbies, especially as there's not long left of the football season.

You don't know yet that it will be a problem for you. If it transpires that you're struggling at those times without him, then you could have a chat and discuss why.

Your bf sounds like a good guy.

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sHREDDIES19 · 09/01/2024 16:09

If the roles were reversed and you unilaterally announced you would be unavailable three times a week he would have something to say about it I'm sure! This needs discussion, agreement, a bit of compromise. It's like he's added in you can have some time as well as a softener. Oh that's good of you, thanks! I know this isn't the point, but you really should be living together for this to work. He is the father and you are a couple.

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 16:09

AuntieSoap · 09/01/2024 16:04

I like to think I'd be supportive of him returning to his hobbies, especially as there's not long left of the football season.

You don't know yet that it will be a problem for you. If it transpires that you're struggling at those times without him, then you could have a chat and discuss why.

Your bf sounds like a good guy.

Yes I do think this would be a fair solution, in fairness we established a routine for our baby pretty early on and so sleeping and feeding habits are now pretty easy to regulate which has contributed to the decision. He has also said that if there are any days that are a struggle with little one he will of course skip any/all activities and also any days that we have plans will be prioritised. I am confident that if things were to change drastically he wouldn't give missing anything a second thought

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 16:13

sHREDDIES19 · 09/01/2024 16:09

If the roles were reversed and you unilaterally announced you would be unavailable three times a week he would have something to say about it I'm sure! This needs discussion, agreement, a bit of compromise. It's like he's added in you can have some time as well as a softener. Oh that's good of you, thanks! I know this isn't the point, but you really should be living together for this to work. He is the father and you are a couple.

On the contrary he is actively encouraging me to get some downtime and see friends, take up a new hobby as much as I feel I need to. He has also said that if this clashes with one of his hobbies then mine will be prioritised. I have seen many many many comments about our living situation and will continue to respect the privacy of unknown extended family member by not gossiping about their situation, however his house needs to remain accessible. He has not been there for months and months. Didn't imagine that to be such a focal point of everyone's attention in all honestly!

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sHREDDIES19 · 09/01/2024 16:23

I suppose I’m confused as to why (1) you even mentioned the separate homes if it’s not relevant/cannot be explained and (2) you bothered to post if you defend him at every turn. You either have an issue with his hobbies or you don’t?!

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 16:27

sHREDDIES19 · 09/01/2024 16:23

I suppose I’m confused as to why (1) you even mentioned the separate homes if it’s not relevant/cannot be explained and (2) you bothered to post if you defend him at every turn. You either have an issue with his hobbies or you don’t?!

Well if I'd known the backlash I'd get for daring to add in detail that I clearly didn't need to I probably wouldn't have bothered! And just because I don't want to partake in talking about what an awful terrible person he is doesn't mean I didn't want to get some perspective?! "Mumsnet" is a very unassuming name for a website I didn't realise how emotionally involved some people get, I'll probably refrain from using it again!

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Crumpleton · 09/01/2024 16:30

Again OP if having separate houses suits the two of you and works well that's your buisness.

OP I'm sat here just musing about this post.

Up until now, as no one knows whats a head, you and your DP seem to have things sewn up and are bobbing along sharing the load quite nicely...him returning to work, while still helping where needed and you managing motherhood well.

I know you mention about him returning to his hobbies, but unlike other posts if there's a reply where someone thinks YABU you don't come back with "well, and another thing he
does, blah blah" so seem quite happy accept other POV.

I'ts refreshing to hear. I wish both you, your DP and new LO every happiness for the future.

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Newsenmum · 09/01/2024 16:45

See how things go op. I personally don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Just keep all lines of communication open and be honest when you are struggling and if the hobbies are too much.

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 16:50

Crumpleton · 09/01/2024 16:30

Again OP if having separate houses suits the two of you and works well that's your buisness.

OP I'm sat here just musing about this post.

Up until now, as no one knows whats a head, you and your DP seem to have things sewn up and are bobbing along sharing the load quite nicely...him returning to work, while still helping where needed and you managing motherhood well.

I know you mention about him returning to his hobbies, but unlike other posts if there's a reply where someone thinks YABU you don't come back with "well, and another thing he
does, blah blah" so seem quite happy accept other POV.

I'ts refreshing to hear. I wish both you, your DP and new LO every happiness for the future.

That's exactly it, I know there is a possibility that I'm being unreasonable and I think it's important that I recognise that as post natal feelings can be skewed! Definitely didn't start this post to bash or criticise him as I think the world of him, but felt like this would be a good platform to get other people's thoughts and get some perspective so it's been great to see some really rational messages that have helped me think a bit more logically. Following some of the replies I calculated that he's actually away for around 12 hours a week with hobbies, and he actually more than makes up for those hours during the week days doing a million household chores and helping the baby and I when many partners are away at work for 40+ hours so I definitely need to chill out! Thank you for your kind message!

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 16:52

Newsenmum · 09/01/2024 16:45

See how things go op. I personally don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Just keep all lines of communication open and be honest when you are struggling and if the hobbies are too much.

Yes I will do, thank you for the advice, as you say what works now may not in future so will definitely keep in mind to keep the lines of communication well and truly open with how I'm feeling!

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Catza · 09/01/2024 16:54

OP, your partner sounds like a wonderful person. He is, for sure, a keeper. MN is a strange place where everyone gets scrutinised if their life does not fit the conventional mold. Don't feel discouraged by it.
It is absolutely wonderful for each of you to remain a person with diverse interests. It is hugely beneficial for your child to see. Your partner seems extremely flexible about his arrangements and attending to his hobbies will ensure he is being happy and healthy and will make him a better father. You should do the same as soon as you feel able to.
All the best x

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Lyly86 · 09/01/2024 16:57

Catza · 09/01/2024 16:54

OP, your partner sounds like a wonderful person. He is, for sure, a keeper. MN is a strange place where everyone gets scrutinised if their life does not fit the conventional mold. Don't feel discouraged by it.
It is absolutely wonderful for each of you to remain a person with diverse interests. It is hugely beneficial for your child to see. Your partner seems extremely flexible about his arrangements and attending to his hobbies will ensure he is being happy and healthy and will make him a better father. You should do the same as soon as you feel able to.
All the best x

Thank you for that advice and yes I think you're absolutely right! I'm relatively new to MN, thought it was more of a neutral, unbiased site to share advice and support, didn't expect such scrutiny from some people but each to their own lol!

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sHREDDIES19 · 09/01/2024 18:32

This post sums up why women need to raise the bar. Yes he sounds like a very decent partner but he’s not ‘helping’ this is his job too as a father. We should expect the very best from men, but often we get below par, or certainly not the standard that we operate at as mothers. Wish you all the best though.

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