Page 3 | To cook rice every night?

RiceisLife · 2024-01-08T22:01:42+00:00

DS (4) is on waiting lists for ASD and ADHD. He stims, he separates all his food, he meltdowns, he has v few friends, he refuses to wear certain clothes, he has a twitch anc struggles verbally. He is in mainstream school just started but they are kick starting lots of additional support He is obsessed with rice. He barely eats breakfast, he has school lunch, but for dinner he is happy to try what we are eating (spag bol, curry) but he is really obsessed with idea of having rice on his plate. If no rice dinner becomes war. Tears, food on the floor etc DH tells me I'm pandering. That if he's hungry enough he'll eat. I say it's so easy for me to boil a handful of rice along dinner, why not just make it?? It's causing real issues. We aren't united which is upsetting DS. We have wider issues about our different responses to DS and my heart is breaking to say that the stress of our son is killing our relationship - we hate each other a lot of the time Anyway - rice - am I being too soft?

Angelsrose · 09/01/2024 00:06

Definitely give your son rice.

Klcak · 09/01/2024 00:08

RiceisLife · 08/01/2024 23:07

DH actually does most of the cooking. He has his set meals he likes and we get the same stuff on repeat. I am suggesting I can cook some rice earlier that day when working from home or get pouches...so he doesn't even need to do it. He says not a problem about the cooking rice...It's the principle. We were just discussing/arguing and he actually said "I accept ds is autistic and we need to fucking fight it". (Sorry if that's upsetting for people to read). He keeps telling me to "book some professionals" to sort it all out.

Your dh can fight it all he wants. It won't go away. He'll just traumatise the child.

He needs to embrace it and adapt to it. Not fight it. Fuckwit.

Honestly, you will need to advocate for your ds so much during his childhood. Your dh needs to get a grip of himself and look after your ds properly.

If he won't let him have rice, and worse, won't listen to advice from people who have brought up kids with ASD, he is a terrible, terrible parent.

Appleblum · 09/01/2024 00:11

Don't make this into an issue. Rice is a staple food for millions of people everyday. You can use it to replace the other main carbohydrates in his meals.

sondot · 09/01/2024 00:12

DH tells me I'm pandering.

You have a disabled child, you are absolutely not pandering by fucking feeding him.

One of mine survived on chicken nuggets and rich teas for years - the judgement from people outwith our family into was hard enough. I really couldn't have coped if DH wasn't on the same page. That said. It's just about education here for your DH and the sooner he learns more about autism and food issues the better.

Bunda · 09/01/2024 00:13

GIVE HIM RICE

pizzaHeart · 09/01/2024 00:13

RiceisLife · 08/01/2024 23:27

I'm gonna be tougher. Today I watched my son struggle to sit at the table, run off, cry, all because there isn't any rice on his plate (and my DH gave him baked beans even though DS has said 1000 times he finds them disgusting). Its all totally unnecessary. DH says "why don't you get DS to write menus for all of us" sarcastically. DH says im "weak"...I mean just let me cook my young son some bloody rice! H can be such an arse sometimes

Why couldn’t you just cook DS some rice today????
Why baked beans if he doesn’t like them ? So your DH uses his grown up ability to cook what he likes but your DS can’t have a say at all ??? WTF?
Autism beside I genuinely think that it’s cruel and unnecessary to feed your child food he doesn’t like so much ( baked beans) when there is normal healthy food he likes. And I have nothing against baked beans , my DD loved them as a child and still does.
My 85 y.o mother always eats potatoes for dinner, she has no autism or any sensory issues, she just doesn’t like pasta or rice. Somehow adult’s allowed to eat what they want but children don’t, how is it fair?
it’s not about rice with your DH as everyone pointed out, it’s about attitude, he is at the worst stage of denial. You clearly need to book some professionals to sort him out.

SnowBotherer · 09/01/2024 00:15

mumsytoon · 08/01/2024 22:11

Is rice on his plate every day at school lunch? If it's not, then I'm with your dh.

@mumsytoon

its one way to show how little you know about SEN, or children. Well done.

dinglyping · 09/01/2024 00:23

I think you should defer to some official guidelines on ARFID. It's not you vs DH, it's you both looking up the current best practice and recommendations (which will back you up) and following the medical advice. Any professional who works with people with food aversions will tell you first and foremost to give him something he will eat at every meal. So he gets the rice.

Keeping him distressed at mealtimes will make it massively harder for him to try new foods. He will feel safer with the rice there, it's that simple. But find a better source to back up your case than what a bunch of strangers on the internet say.

Great choice of safe food, especially, as you say, with the rice pouches being so easy.

SnowBotherer · 09/01/2024 00:24

ManateeFair · 08/01/2024 23:11

He’s only four. If some rice on his plate means he’s open to trying other foods, I don’t see the harm in giving him some. All kids need staple carbs in their diet and rice is a perfectly good one.

I remember family friends of ours, when I was a kid, coming over for Sunday lunch and telling us that they were at the end of their tether with their son because he would only eat food if it was a sandwich. My dad, always a pragmatic man, just put the child’s portion of the roast, including veg and Yorkshire pudding, between two slices of bread. Child ate it quite happily. Problem solved.

@ManateeFair I love your Dad!!

caringcarer · 09/01/2024 00:24

I'd let him have rice every evening but only a small portion, providing he's eating other foods along with it. If he started refusing every other foods I'd stop the rice because if he's been eating other food before he does like it.

caringcarer · 09/01/2024 00:27

RiceisLife · 08/01/2024 23:07

DH actually does most of the cooking. He has his set meals he likes and we get the same stuff on repeat. I am suggesting I can cook some rice earlier that day when working from home or get pouches...so he doesn't even need to do it. He says not a problem about the cooking rice...It's the principle. We were just discussing/arguing and he actually said "I accept ds is autistic and we need to fucking fight it". (Sorry if that's upsetting for people to read). He keeps telling me to "book some professionals" to sort it all out.

This is worrying. I don't think he understands autism. If it could be cured by fighting it doesn't he think other parents wouldn't have already done that? I'd get your specialist to talk to him.

Fionaville · 09/01/2024 00:29

RiceisLife · 08/01/2024 23:27

I'm gonna be tougher. Today I watched my son struggle to sit at the table, run off, cry, all because there isn't any rice on his plate (and my DH gave him baked beans even though DS has said 1000 times he finds them disgusting). Its all totally unnecessary. DH says "why don't you get DS to write menus for all of us" sarcastically. DH says im "weak"...I mean just let me cook my young son some bloody rice! H can be such an arse sometimes

I would suggest the book 'The reason I jump' to your DH. It's written by a teenage boy who's autistic.
There is a great part in there about food avoidance/preference. I remember it said something along the lines of his brain just not recognising some foods as food. So it would be the same as putting some plastic, toy food in front on your DH and telling him he has to eat it. His brain is telling him that it's not food and not to eat it as it will cause him great discomfort. Then to imagine somebody standing next to him telling him he has to eat it. How does it make him feel?
You and your DH are in the early part of the journey. Hes not the first person to think it 'can be cured' if you can just find the right therapy or try harder as a parent to change things. Autism isn't a battle to be fought or some disease that can be cured. Its part of who your son is. There are lots of things you can do to make life easier, better and happier for your son. And he could make great progress across all areas (my son is an adult now and will happily eat any vegetable, when at one stage he wouldn't eat any) Try to educate/inform yourselves as much as possible. In the meantime, give your DS rice with every meal if he wants it!

SnowBotherer · 09/01/2024 00:32

Fionaville · 08/01/2024 23:12

Give him the rice! A lot of children on the spectrum like 'beige food' So rice is very much preferable!
I'd take a love of rice, over my DS obsession with chips any day!

@Fionaville my 32 year old cousin with autism will only eat (certain) cheese pizzas & chips for dinner. Every night & any meal out.

@RiceisLife

your DH needs to read a lot about Autism & how you CANNOT 'fucking fight it'. Or he needs to fuck off.

HE will make your life SO SO SO much harder if he's trying to fight it. My Uncle took years to actually get that. He tried to treat my cousin as NT & not make allowances for his 'needs' which he saw as a choice/behaviour. Hiw my Aunt didn't kill him in his sleep I'll never know.

but these days he's brilliant with him, if only he'd accepted it years earlier, it would have saved a LOT of problems.

Dont put up with DH being a twat!!

SnowBotherer · 09/01/2024 00:42

He keeps telling me to "book some professionals" to sort it all out

book someone to talk to him about Autism!!

Sussudio · 09/01/2024 00:44

”He has his set meals he likes and we get the same stuff on repeat.”

You have said the above about your husband. Is there a chance he is undiagnosed autistic / in denial (based on his comments?). Routine-based and repetitive eating / meal planning is very common in autistic adults as it’s often one of the few things we can truly control. Might also explain his attitude and rigidity about your son having something different.

Zanina · 09/01/2024 00:49

Keep advocating for your child so your husband eventually understands that it's not pandering it's a disability. You can cook rice and freeze in batches if that helps. My son will only eat fish fingers for lunch. He has learnt to eat other things but he has to have his fish fingers at lunch. Its just an ASD thing, if it regulates the child then it's a good thing x wishing your family all the best x

CavalierApproach · 09/01/2024 00:50

Your husband needs a parenting course. He is being a twat, and even more problematically he is being deeply unkind to both ds and you. I’m sorry you are having to deal with it

If he insisted on a homemade chocolate gateaux with fresh cherries and Belgian chocolate every day I’d see your husbands point

I might start insisting on that myself, @MolkosTeenageAngst

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 09/01/2024 00:53

I would give him the rice if it means he's happy and eats dinner.

DC has SN and has eaten the same dinner virtually every weekday for years. I think your husband needs to be more understanding and support both you & his son.

Jingleballs2 · 09/01/2024 00:59

I buy cheap microwave pouches for easiness. However, if he wants to eat rice which is pretty healthy, then why not??

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 09/01/2024 01:04

Just cook him the rice FFS. Your DH is completely batshit.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 09/01/2024 01:15

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/01/2024 22:33

It’s rice. It’s not like he’s wanting something unhealthy, expensive or that takes a lot of effort. If he insisted on a homemade chocolate gateaux with fresh cherries and Belgian chocolate every day I’d see your husbands point, but of all the foods he could want rice is one of the cheapest, healthiest and easiest to cook. Really don’t think this is a battle worth fighting with your son.

Ohhhh. Guess what I really want now ...

But yes OP. Cook the rice. It's fine. DH's ego can take a back seat. I'm sorry it's hurting your relationship.

namestevalian · 09/01/2024 01:33

Moier · 08/01/2024 22:15

Kids with ASD will definitely NOT eat anything if they are hungry enough.. four Grankids all ASD.
Two only beige food.. bread/ toast/ cheese/ bananas/ chips/ potato letters/ chicken nuggets.
Non will have any food touching any other food.. so they have dividing plates and sometimes more than one plate.
16 year old will only eat Chinese food ( certain Chinese food.. lots of rice and noodles .. and Yorkshire puddings and Gravy.
Eldest has started to eat a more variety but he is 18.
But when he was 11 he had six things he would only eat. If his Mum didn't have it in he would rather go hungry than eat anything else. She's always made 3 seperate meals for her 3 ..but that's always been her normal.
You CANNOT force an ASD child to eat anything they don't want to.. it's not just the taste.. it's the feel.. the colour.. the texture.. a sensory issue. Your husband needs educating on ASD.

Yes comes hand in hand with ARFID - been there !

Lots of helpful fb support groups

LevelBy · 09/01/2024 02:15

Your DH is not a nice man

Rice every night is completely normal and fine

sashh · 09/01/2024 02:16

Another vote for a rice cooker.

Will he eat different rice? That might be something to try.

Lots of people around the world eat rice every day.

IN the UK we have traditionally eaten bread and then potatoes, does he object to those being eaten daily?

BetrayedAuntie · 09/01/2024 02:20

I have a child with ASD and let me tell you - your DH is so so wrong. No they will not eat what they're given when they're hungry!!
Also, I'd be dancing with happiness if my child was prepared to eat what yours does! I'd buy a 20kg bag of rice and make super nutritious meals for her to eat alongside the rice.

Tell your DH that thousands if not millions of people will the ASD have died or almost died/on feeding tubes from a refusal to eat anything other than what they usually have. It's not pandering, believe me