To cook rice every night?

[RiceisLife]

DS (4) is on waiting lists for ASD and ADHD. He stims, he separates all his food, he meltdowns, he has v few friends, he refuses to wear certain clothes, he has a twitch anc struggles verbally. He is in mainstream school just started but they are kick starting lots of additional support

He is obsessed with rice. He barely eats breakfast, he has school lunch, but for dinner he is happy to try what we are eating (spag bol, curry) but he is really obsessed with idea of having rice on his plate. If no rice dinner becomes war. Tears, food on the floor etc

DH tells me I'm pandering. That if he's hungry enough he'll eat. I say it's so easy for me to boil a handful of rice along dinner, why not just make it??

It's causing real issues. We aren't united which is upsetting DS. We have wider issues about our different responses to DS and my heart is breaking to say that the stress of our son is killing our relationship - we hate each other a lot of the time

Anyway - rice - am I being too soft?

I'm not English and we eat rice every day and always have a pot in the fridge. Serve it. This is not the hill to die on!

Definitely try to get him on to wholegrain brown rice if you can - it's got lots more vitamins/ minerals/ fibre than polished white rice so is actually a pretty healthy choice.

Millions of people around the world eat rice on a daily basis. It won't do him any harm, and it's great that he's happy to eat other stuff alongside it.

Frozen rice is great. A 4 year old only needs a small.amount.

Would he eat rice with a hard boiled egg for breakfast? That would be nutritious and a good start to the day.

If he wants rice with every meal, that's fine

DH is making a rod for YOUR back. Why make an issue over it and cause unnecessary upset? He just wants his word to be law - well, it doesn't always work that way with kids.

I have 2 ASD children, eating disorders, texture sensitivities. I do not go out of my way to cook meals they do not like - why would I?? I know and try to understand their sensitivities/ aversions/ preferences. That's not "pandering". It would be perverse for both myself and my kids to force them to eat something they cannot cope with nor like.

Rice is the staple carb in our household, that's my choice. DH is lucky if he gets potatoes once a month, pasta maybe once a week. I don't care if anyone thinks that he's "pandering" to me, it's what I like and I do 99% of the cooking.

Get yourself a rice cooker (microwave or electric), much easier cooking method.

Tell your DH to get some understanding of his family's needs.

It's not cannabis edibles, it's rice. Give him the rice.

You know people all over the world
Eat rice breakfast, lunch and dinner? Give him the rice.

DH actually does most of the cooking. He has his set meals he likes and we get the same stuff on repeat. I am suggesting I can cook some rice earlier that day when working from home or get pouches...so he doesn't even need to do it. He says not a problem about the cooking rice...It's the principle. We were just discussing/arguing and he actually said "I accept ds is autistic and we need to fucking fight it". (Sorry if that's upsetting for people to read). He keeps telling me to "book some professionals" to sort it all out.

Fight it?!

He needs to educate himself very quickly.

He’s only four. If some rice on his plate means he’s open to trying other foods, I don’t see the harm in giving him some. All kids need staple carbs in their diet and rice is a perfectly good one.

I remember family friends of ours, when I was a kid, coming over for Sunday lunch and telling us that they were at the end of their tether with their son because he would only eat food if it was a sandwich. My dad, always a pragmatic man, just put the child’s portion of the roast, including veg and Yorkshire pudding, between two slices of bread. Child ate it quite happily. Problem solved.

Give him the rice! A lot of children on the spectrum like 'beige food' So rice is very much preferable!
I'd take a love of rice, over my DS obsession with chips any day!

I'm sorry but this for me would be grounds for divorce....autism isn't something to fix....its a neurotype....its the way your sons brain is programed its a HUGE part of who he is and how he relates to the world....its kind of the same as saying arrggghh our son is gay get the professionals into fix him.....He doesn't HAVE Autism he IS AUTISTIC....yes professionals can offer support but stay away from ABA therapies as this is abuse it teaches learned helplessness....which basically is a session to torture your son and dull his reactions by accessing exposure to things he finds physically and emotionally painful it was a technique explored by scientists in Germany during WW2....how dare he say your son needs sorted out!! Someone needs sorted out but it certainly isn't your son I can assure you

This is really worth a read. Written by a friend of mine with 3 ND children.

https://www.facebook.com/meaganmcgovern/posts/pfbid0iR9GnyGo34fy3s2dKzMjgyRhvSVPaQe4Q8DJLVaHKeTz675v1WgQGA29GEw559ZPl 

Ah the irony.

He has his set meals he likes and we get the same stuff on repeat.

Once he's better informed about autism, he will recognise some traits in himself - it's genetic and children don't catch autism from fairies. If he thinks it can be "fixed", he needs to get a grip on how life is very different for children growing up now then when we were young, how autism is very different in different people. But I know that it's difficult for some people to grasp, that understanding from an other's perspective.

Good luck with your DH adjusting to your son's needs.

It sounds like your DH hasn’t really come to terms with your DS’ (yet to be confirmed) diagnoses.

"I accept ds is autistic and we need to fucking fight it"

What he means is, the rice is a visible and daily reminder of the huge issue that my son is not the ‘ideal’ child I had in my head, and so I’ll pick this battle to deflect from my uncomfortable feelings.

I agree with a PP that you may discover your DH is also ND and this is triggering him.

But he needs to sort himself out, quickly. He has to be the grown up, go to therapy and figure his shit out so that your beautiful DS isn’t the one paying for his stubborn, inflexible father.

You need to be really blunt with him, OP.

I'm gonna be tougher. Today I watched my son struggle to sit at the table, run off, cry, all because there isn't any rice on his plate (and my DH gave him baked beans even though DS has said 1000 times he finds them disgusting). Its all totally unnecessary. DH says "why don't you get DS to write menus for all of us" sarcastically. DH says im "weak"...I mean just let me cook my young son some bloody rice! H can be such an arse sometimes

It's pretty standard advice for any child with food issues to always offer a "safe food" alongside other foods. So it sounds to me like you're doing exactly the right thing.

Your DH sounds like an arse who thinks he can "cure" autism by being stricter and not giving in. Poor kid and poor you.

I am fairly sure you could cook quite a lot and then freeze several small batches same day, which can be defrosted on the day to be eaten

@NoSquirrels I completely agree, DS could end up massively traumatised if DH keeps on down this road.

I've found that alot of the time speaking to parents of Autistic kids that the Dad always has a bigger struggle coming to terms with the child they "thought" they'd have and the child the actually have.
My DH had a period of adjustment too but I was crazy head strong as soon as I suspected out son of being Autistic I became obsessed with finding out everything and anything I could. Because in my eyes if this is apart of my son then I'm going to make sure that I can advocate for him until a time he's able to do so himself. I once saw an amazing quote that said "I always thought I would teach my child all about the world....not have to teach the world all about my child." And its so true because there isn't alot of education and their should be. Numbers are rising constantly and before we know it a 3rd of the population is going to be made up of Autistic people.....we should absolutely be educated!
OP you need to sit your husband down and advocate for your son. He is going to feel like an outsider more times than non surrounded by people who just don't understand him or his behaviours, traits and needs...does your husband really want to be grouped in with this? The thing is if he is open to being educated there are alot of beautiful things within Autism.
My DS has made me see the world completely different, I love how his brain works and how he sees thing so completely different to me...its beautiful and he's taught me so much. I won't say its an easy ride because it isn't but as hard as it is for us as parents I can assure you this is nothing compared to the fight your son has on his hands being brought up in a world essentially that is his worst nightmare, where global sensory output is at the highest its ever been. Hes been born into a world that is going to torture him and he's going to have to learn to self regulate and manage his needs ...and he needs his mum AND his dad to help show him how...not to ignore it or try and train it out of him.
But if he isn't willing to accept your son then as his mother you need to put your foot down, and basically tell him either you get ur ducks in a row and educate yourself or take the door because your not willing to have your son grow up like this...how can you encourage acceptance when his own father won't?

DS has ASD and ADHD. All through his primary years food was a battle, as PPs have said you choose your battles and this really isnt one! Great that he eats a range of foods at all, cook the rice and keep exposing him to other stuff as you are doing.

DH was useless when DS was that age, didnt understand and didnt accept that DS wasnt going to respond to 'discipline'. Luckily he did get over that soon enough but you need to stand your ground until yours does.

DS is now 15 and eats literally everything except fruit (weird). So I'm sure things will improve for you over time, but if rice makes your DS eat, then go for it!

Well said @MumofAnarchy88

Yes, I cook loads, spread it on a tray to cool, freeze on the tray then break it up and freeze in a bag. Then to defrost, take however much you want, add a tiny bit of water, cover and microwave for a couple of minutes. It’s as good as freshly cooked.

I have a 5 year old who only eats waffles, garlic bread, chicken nuggets, and pasta with tomato puree. If adding one of those safe foods to his plate would encourage him to eat another food I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Your dh is very wrong and doesn't seem to understand your child at all.

He's looking at an ASD diagnosis. Putting a bit of rice on every meal is a very, very small price to pay for your child to eat. My ASD ds is now 17 but at your ds's age would eat almost nothing. So little that we had to go to the doctor and get Iron.

It isn't a question of pandering. It's a question of parenting the child that's in front of you, not parenting some fictitious 1980s child that your dh thinks he has. If he's going to be such a prat with everything, you are going to have a harder job managing your dh's behaviour than your ds's.

My ds will eat almost anything now.

Perhaps your dh has ASD as well. He's showing highly inflexible thoughts.