Wedding Dress shopping

[HannahRose23]

Just to give some background, my brother never organises anything for my parents I organise everything, presents wise from start to finish, with not so much of a thank you and on occasions I even pay for his half of the gift. I should make it clear he has a v well paying job so money is not the issue for him. In December I organised our parents birthday and Christmas presents and even organised to buy his new gf (of 12 weeks) a little £30 present. Come Xmas day, he hadn’t bothered to get my finance a present at all. Which really upset me at the time.

Now on a weekend that I’ve had in the diary for me and my mum to do my wedding dress shopping for the weekend he decides it’s the weekend my parents can finally meet his new gf so all plans have now changed to go for dinner with them. AIBU for being incredibly upset by all of this?

@RiaLia sorry if I’m not being clear. It’s a girly weekend which includes dress shopping she’s cancelled on me with the plans already organised the second evening of the trip. And I am thinking of cancelling.

@LittleRedY0shi thank you. It’s a little intimate wedding on a budget so I wasn’t wanting a full big wedding dress so I might just do orders online and find one that way from home x

I'm so sorry OP, it's really mean of your Mum to cancel the dinner you'd planned. Do you think there's an element of your brother sabotaging the trip too?

Glad you're planning on cancelling (sad as it'll be for you). You'll no doubt be portrayed as the baddie for doing that.

One other thought, I think growing up in a difficult environment where you are always second best can often result in becoming a people pleaser. It strikes me that there might be an element of that in the present buying you're doing. Might that be the case?

Definitely head over to the stately homes thread for advice and support.

I actually disagree with the majority of posters here and think you are being an over dramatic drama queen. There’s such a thing called ‘cutting your nose off to spite your face’ and I think this is a pretty good example of it - you don’t need to cancel the whole weekend because you haven’t got your way on one of the evenings. Just go and meet your brothers girlfriend and chill the fuck out. Rearrange your favourite restaurant to one of the other evenings. Buying a dress doesn’t take a whole weekend.

The present buying is ridiculous though - stop buying on behalf of your (presumably) adult brother. And does your partner really give a shit if he gets a gift from your brother?

I actually disagree with the majority of posters here and think you are being an over dramatic drama queen

I think the OP has been sidelined her entire life - and this is the straw that broke the camels back. She was asking for one weekend dress shopping / hen do prior to her won wedding.

Meeting the brothers new girlfriend is not high in the list when she should be enjoying a free weekend. (I mean he couldn’t even be bothered going to them for a dinner - they all now have to go to him- DM could’ve said hey we’re already going to OPs fav place join us there?)

I've read all your updates @HannahRose23 .

First of all, please stop enabling your brother and buying presents for him to give to your parents etc. That just makes you a doormat and a martyr and you won't get thanks for it.

Secondly, you are not being unreasonable to be upset that your mother has changed the plans for one evening of a 3 night stay when you were looking forward to a girly weekend away, just the two of you. But I can see (even if I don't agree with your Mum) that her reasoning would be that she has been desperate to meet the gf ( that is not unreasonable of her) and you are both in London for 3 nights, so why not spend one night meeting your brother and the gf when you were going out for a meal anyway? Absolutely unacceptable that she said yes, without asking you if you minded and getting an agreement on which night you all met up. Also unacceptable that she didn't even consider inviting you until you said you were upset, which would have meant leaving you on your own for an evening.

Thirdly, however, while going forward from this in future, having less contact, not trying to please your Mum/Brother etc or whatever you decide to do to take back control and look after yourself first, not last, sounds like the way to go, I'm not sure that this particular incident is the Hill to die on:

1. Do you have a good friend that you can replace your Mum with for that weekend? If you just cancel everything and you haven't anyone else to go with, you will be seen as 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' and not just by your Mum, but most people you tell the story to. This will spoil your stand on this occasion. Yes, I know it's not fair, but you won't get them to change their attitudes and they will blame you entirely for the fall out. Pick your timing later

2. if you do cancel the weekend, you still need to buy the wedding dress. Online isn't the best way to go for all sorts of reasons

I think, if it were me, I would still go with the original weekend with your Mum, make the best of it and rearrange which night you go to your favourite restaurant. Accept that things haven't worked out the way you hoped, take the higher ground and don't let yourself be resentful with your Mum and Brother during the weekend. This is especially the case if you don't have someone else to go with

Once that is over, take all the action you need to, to stop letting the pair of them walk all over you, by whatever means

I hope the wedding goes well

I agree with this poster.

It's a hard hting that's happened to you OP, I'm sorry. Your mum has been completely unreasonable.

BUT you still need to buy your dress, you have everything booked, and you'll have most of the weekend as planned.

Reorganise the night for your favourite restaurant - don't miss out on that.

@Silvers11 @TigerJoy thank you both I think that will be my plan x

Glad it was helpful @HannahRose23 . I hope the weekend goes as well as it can. Is it quite soon?

@Silvers11 it’s this weekend well Thursday really so will be quite raw but I’m sure I can be the bigger person x

Just stay strong @HannahRose23 After it's done, you can decide exactly how to play things to establish your boundaries and get the message across that you have every right to be treated with respect and consideration. Hopefully it will go ok this weekend

This is a mum issue not a brother issue.

Just jumping in here to wonder if the way you communicate with the family might be part of the problem?

It took 6/7 posts before you were able to explain what the issue was (3 nights away/hen weekend too/you live away from London etc).

Sometimes when you become passive to someone else (you parents/your brother) and take on the role of people pleaser then people get used to you 'going with the flow' and there's a tendency to not really say what you want or what's important.

Clearly once pushed you articulated you were upset but I wonder if before that you had been clear to your mum what the weekend plans were/how important it was that she was there/how excited you are etc.

I say this as having just organised my friends hen do, she is a people pleaser and invited her mum but said she understood if it was not her thing. Her mum said she'd leave it to the youngsters but my friend was actually devastated and pinned everything on her mum coming. But she was so used to just being 'ok' with other peoples poor behaviour she had trouble breaking away from this and letting her mum know how important it was

I hope you don't cancel the weekend as I do agree with pp that's cutting of your nose to spite your face. Also try and reorganise your restaurant for another night. Good luck

With sibling - no.

Mum died 6 years ago, and as soon as estate was sorted out, I blocked her in all possible ways.

Luckily she lives in Canada and I'm in UK so we will be truly unlikely to ever cross paths again, and i could not be more contented with that situation. I don't like her. She doesn't like me. Hopefully your situation isn't quite so extreme.