Wedding Dress shopping

[HannahRose23]

Just to give some background, my brother never organises anything for my parents I organise everything, presents wise from start to finish, with not so much of a thank you and on occasions I even pay for his half of the gift. I should make it clear he has a v well paying job so money is not the issue for him. In December I organised our parents birthday and Christmas presents and even organised to buy his new gf (of 12 weeks) a little £30 present. Come Xmas day, he hadn’t bothered to get my finance a present at all. Which really upset me at the time.

Now on a weekend that I’ve had in the diary for me and my mum to do my wedding dress shopping for the weekend he decides it’s the weekend my parents can finally meet his new gf so all plans have now changed to go for dinner with them. AIBU for being incredibly upset by all of this?

Yeah I'd be upset too. I do think like others that you need to stop trying to make him be the brother/son you have in your head - he isn't that person. Take your own sincere actions and note his responses (i agree you weren't wrong to buy his fiance a gift, but note that he doesn't do the same. Now think whether you should stop giving them things in the future, it doesn't seem to be something they value).

Have you said to your mum that you're upset she's heading off during this weekend?

Yeah, and I’m told that I’m unreasonable and there’s nothing she can do now as she’s said yes. I’m inclined to agree that there’s nothing that can be done this weekend

This. Did your parents always treat your brother like th golden child and do everything for him and let him get away with stuff, and you even followed suit.

You're not at all unreasonable to feel upset, but just as upset at your mum for not saying to your brother no I have plans with hannahrose

Yeah it’s not just my brother I’m upset with absolutely not.

100% re the golden child I was always told that I was wrong

You only have yourself to blame re the present buying. I don’t really understand why you do this.

London weekend - I am not sure why DB is getting the blame for this? It’s your mother who has let you down and changed your arrangements.

I think your mum is the problem here, she had a prior booking with you and have now changed that.
op are you invited to the dinner? Or have you been dumped completely.
Your mum clearly take me you for granted. I’d take a step back for a while, stop organising presents with your brother and each of your own thing.

I think you are trying very hard to be the perfect daughter / sister (the present buying is evidence of this) as you feel like you aren’t good enough (not the golden child).

Poor you. I’d cancel and rethink things.

I get that it’s annoying that you’ve booked a restaurant and now your mum has said she’s free. It’s rude of your mum but I can understand that she might not think one dinner out of a 3 day trip is a big deal.

Can you amend the restaurant booking to include your bro and gf?

Oh and stop with the present buying. He’s an adult. It’s for him to sort out his gifts to others. You can obviously buy his gf a gift if you want to and it’s also fine to be annoyed he didn’t buy anything for your fiancé.

Your beef is with your mum not with your brother.

Stop buying presents fir him/enabling him.

Enjoy the weekend with your mum - you’ll welcome the break from dress shopping believe me?

They don’t want to travel into central so it would be meeting them nearer them.

Im not and haven’t blamed by brother solely it’s just the whole situation

I think taking a step back in the ans

I'd be inclined to just get on with the wedding dress shopping without your mum.

Sounds like you have spent enough of your life running round her and trying to get her to notice you.

fair enough, yes he should have got your partner something.

He isn’t the brother you want him to be, all you can do now is choose whether you buy gifts for them or not bother in future.

Right - so YANBU

You had plans and your mother changed them ‘because you won’t mind’ when clearly you do. Your mother tramples over your feelings and doesn’t give a second thought.
I would tell her that you aren’t impressed that she’s done this when you booked the weekend for your wedding and now your brother has jumped in on your plans.

Take a friend and leave your mother to her golden child.

You have been far too silent.

@HannahRose23
have you been invited to the dinner?

Now I’ve said I’m upset by it all I have

I'd stop buying presents for your parents altogether then, if they would do such a twatty thing as drop all plans that have been booked in advance for last minute plans to meet a flavour-of-the-month

Thank you. I feel so desperately hurt

I totally understand why:

Foe a your mother expect you to breeze along with the new plans or are you being dropped for the new girlfriend?

Have you told your mother you are upset? What did she say?

Your brother doesn’t buy your parents presents so I am not quite sure why you thought he would buy your fiancé a present.

I have voted YABU but only because you are being a doormat, I cannot understand why you would be buying presents from your sibling, let him do his own presents, that is what adult siblings do, you are different people, you do your own thing.

As to the dress, I was going to say this is on your mother not your brother, but if we are just talking about one evening out of three and you are still dress shopping, I really think you are making a fuss over nothing.

I have been invited now , but only after I said I was really upset

It's not clear who's doing what from your posts OP as you're writing in the passive tense - "I'm being told I'm being unreasonable" by who - your mum or your brother?

Who has arranged this dinner? Because from the above "he's finally said yes" it actually sounds like your mum is the instigator of the arrangements??

I agree your brother sounds like a twat but in this instances it's sounding like the full blame sits with your mum.

I am shocked at people saying you're being unreasonable at not wanting to give up an evening of your girls weekend with your mum to meet your brother's gf.... I'd be extremely upset in your shoes.

I understand. I did everything for our parents whilst my golden child older sister merely had to snap her fingers and all plans and routines were off.

It's not you.

It's so hard, as all we want is to feel as loved and appreciated as our golden sibling.

In my case, I detached. I did what needed to be done but kept an emotional distance. There was one particular "snapping point" and I distinctly remember the severing of the cord. This may be your snapping point.

Neither your brother or your mother are who you want them to be.

It's hard, but it's simply the way they are. You're perfectly entitled to protect yourself, however you choose to do so.

As to the dress, I was going to say this is on your mother not your brother, but if we are just talking about one evening out of three and you are still dress shopping, I really think you are making a fuss over nothing.

Thats the night OP booked her favourite restaurant and the brother won’t travel to central London so they now need to travel to a place near brothers to meet the girlfriend.

probably not even an apology, brother not going out of his way etc - If be upset too.

I’d cancel the parents and take a friend for a weekend in London.

TBH I think your friends will choose a better dress than your parents will.

I’m being told I’m unreasonable by my mum.