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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Dress shopping

113 replies

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 09:25

Just to give some background, my brother never organises anything for my parents I organise everything, presents wise from start to finish, with not so much of a thank you and on occasions I even pay for his half of the gift. I should make it clear he has a v well paying job so money is not the issue for him. In December I organised our parents birthday and Christmas presents and even organised to buy his new gf (of 12 weeks) a little £30 present. Come Xmas day, he hadn’t bothered to get my finance a present at all. Which really upset me at the time.

Now on a weekend that I’ve had in the diary for me and my mum to do my wedding dress shopping for the weekend he decides it’s the weekend my parents can finally meet his new gf so all plans have now changed to go for dinner with them. AIBU for being incredibly upset by all of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:47

Scarletttulips · 07/01/2024 10:44

As to the dress, I was going to say this is on your mother not your brother, but if we are just talking about one evening out of three and you are still dress shopping, I really think you are making a fuss over nothing.

Thats the night OP booked her favourite restaurant and the brother won’t travel to central London so they now need to travel to a place near brothers to meet the girlfriend.

probably not even an apology, brother not going out of his way etc - If be upset too.

I’d cancel the parents and take a friend for a weekend in London.

TBH I think your friends will choose a better dress than your parents will.

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 07/01/2024 10:49

Yes I think your mum needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Cancel the weekend and rearrange another date with a friend instead.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:50

Baldieheid · 07/01/2024 10:43

I understand. I did everything for our parents whilst my golden child older sister merely had to snap her fingers and all plans and routines were off.

It's not you.

It's so hard, as all we want is to feel as loved and appreciated as our golden sibling.

In my case, I detached. I did what needed to be done but kept an emotional distance. There was one particular "snapping point" and I distinctly remember the severing of the cord. This may be your snapping point.

Neither your brother or your mother are who you want them to be.

It's hard, but it's simply the way they are. You're perfectly entitled to protect yourself, however you choose to do so.

Thank you. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through the same thing. It’s so hard.

do you have contact with them still?

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 07/01/2024 10:52

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:36

Now I’ve said I’m upset by it all I have

@HannahRose23

I sorry I think they are hugely unreasonable, and unkind. They weren’t even going to invite you! Were they expecting you to sit in the hotel room on your own all night while your mum ate dinner!

op it’s horrible, I have a golden child brother who only has to click his fingers and my mum is going above and beyond to accommodate.

it’s hurts, and it’s frustrating. But there is nothing you can do to change it, you can only change your mindset.

Decide if you still want the weekend to go ahead, and go from there. Your mum is telling you, you are being unreasonable because that is the the easiest thing for her, because you are the one who accommodates everyone.

Scarletttulips · 07/01/2024 10:54

i Think you need some help to find your voice. It doesn’t have to be aggressive -

Id text, Mum seeing as you’ve rearranged our weekend I’ve decided that I’m asking Sarah to come with me instead, I want to have a fund time dress shopping and drink cocktails and eating in my favorite restaurants. Maybe we can meet up another time when you aren’t so busy’

Just leave it at that

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:59

Thank you. I think the answer is to distance myself I just need to decide about this weekend

OP posts:
ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner · 07/01/2024 11:02

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:44

I’m being told I’m unreasonable by my mum.

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Read your OP back. You're angry at the wrong person.

I'm really sorry. I agree with PP's - take your friends instead of your mum. She clearly doesn't see the weekend the same way you do Sad

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 11:03

ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner · 07/01/2024 11:02

Read your OP back. You're angry at the wrong person.

I'm really sorry. I agree with PP's - take your friends instead of your mum. She clearly doesn't see the weekend the same way you do Sad

Show quote history

Yeah I do feel angry at them both, but I completely see what your saying x

OP posts:
eish · 07/01/2024 11:10

What does your fiancé say? He has obviously known your family for 6 years and may have some good insight (possibly that he has never shared in order not to hurt you). Ask him to be honest about how he thinks your family treats you.

I honestly would pull back on the weekend. Or, if you can’t, decline seeing your brother and book yourself a real treat that you would be happy to do alone (or can a friend join you for the day). A spa day with luxury treatments or art galleries etc. or if you want to annoy your mum book yourself something she would have absolutely loved to do so she feels like she’s missing out!

RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:12

Stop buying presents on his behalf.

Stop buying the new gf a present and expecting one for your finance, you're all adults this all sounds a bit crazy.

It's your Mum in the wrong over the wedding dress shopping, not your brother.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 11:12

Leave the present buying out of the situation. Its muddying your thoughts.

Your mum is in the wrong here. She wasn't free. She's basically saying she's had a better offer. I can see why this stings.

RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:13

I'd still go wedding dress shopping, without your Mum, and let her think that through that she dumped you for her sons new gf instead.

whowhatwerewhy · 07/01/2024 11:15

I would text your mom " hi as you now have other plans for the dress shopping/ mother daughter weekend I've asked Mildred to accompany me instead. Hope you have a lovely meal with DB . "
The weekend will be tarnished whatever you do your mom needs to learn she can't just drop you in favour of your brother.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 11:19

Thanks think I’m going to cancel and brave the response it gets I know I’ll be told I’m being dramatic

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 07/01/2024 11:21

QueSyrahSyrah · 07/01/2024 09:58

If I'm understanding this right, your brother and his girlfriend live in London, you and your Mum don't, but will be there for 3 days next weekend.

Your Mum has agreed to a dinner with your bother and girlfriend while you're there. Is that right?

If so I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I assume the time of the dinner doesn't clash with any of the dress appointments? Did you already have a dinner booked for yourselves that day?

Either way if there's any fault it's your Mum for accepting the invitation, not your Brother for offering it. Stop buying bloody presents for him though!

Agree with this ^^

RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:22

So hang on, why would it get a response? Does your Mum still think she's going dress shopping as well as meeting the gf?

Whataretheodds · 07/01/2024 11:23

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:37

Thank you. I feel so desperately hurt

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I'm so sorry. Of course this will be hurtful. And of course you are angry at your brother too because the gift situation was shit (you can take control there by stopping buying for them, they're not treating you any better because you buy the gifts, are they?).

I'm not in this position but I know that others who've experienced similar have found the "Stately homes" thread helpful.

You are a worthy person in your own right. You are good enough. You are not unreasonable to feel upset that your parents treat you so unequally and you brother enables/accepts this.

It might be really helpful for you to have some talking therapy to work through your feelings about this and how you want to handle the situation going forward- you don't have to accept it but you can't magically change their behaviour.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 11:23

RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:22

So hang on, why would it get a response? Does your Mum still think she's going dress shopping as well as meeting the gf?

I told her I was really upset and I’d think about what my plans were as I made it clear I wanted to cancel

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 11:25

Whataretheodds · 07/01/2024 11:23

I'm so sorry. Of course this will be hurtful. And of course you are angry at your brother too because the gift situation was shit (you can take control there by stopping buying for them, they're not treating you any better because you buy the gifts, are they?).

I'm not in this position but I know that others who've experienced similar have found the "Stately homes" thread helpful.

You are a worthy person in your own right. You are good enough. You are not unreasonable to feel upset that your parents treat you so unequally and you brother enables/accepts this.

It might be really helpful for you to have some talking therapy to work through your feelings about this and how you want to handle the situation going forward- you don't have to accept it but you can't magically change their behaviour.

Show quote history

Thank you, you’ve made me cry haha.

I think some thought of a therapy is a good idea.

OP posts:
RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:26

Does your Mum meeting the gf actually affect the wedding dress shopping plans though? Or is your Mum under the impression she's doing one then the other? Times are important here.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 11:27

RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:26

Does your Mum meeting the gf actually affect the wedding dress shopping plans though? Or is your Mum under the impression she's doing one then the other? Times are important here.

It affects the plans we’ve made yes. We’d organised and booked places for dinner and drinks which has now changed

OP posts:
RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:29

So then I don't see why you cancelling would get a response, if technically your Mum has cancelled. But I don't think she has judging by your messages, I think your Mum thinks she's doing both?

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 11:31

She cancelled the one night I’m talking about not going for the whole weekend

OP posts:
RiaLia · 07/01/2024 11:34

I'm following now. So from your Mum's point of view she is still going wedding dress shopping it hasn't affected that, it's something about the night before which has changed. That does put a different spin on it. But I can understand your hurt if you thought you had plans for the night before too.

LittleRedY0shi · 07/01/2024 11:34

I think you're doing the right thing cancelling, OP. Just make sure you know what your new plan is (since you do still need to find a wedding dress). Accompanying you dress shopping on a different day, without the other aspects of the weekend, is still playing into your mother's hands - she still gets the bits she cares about, without the bits you care about.