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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Dress shopping

113 replies

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 09:25

Just to give some background, my brother never organises anything for my parents I organise everything, presents wise from start to finish, with not so much of a thank you and on occasions I even pay for his half of the gift. I should make it clear he has a v well paying job so money is not the issue for him. In December I organised our parents birthday and Christmas presents and even organised to buy his new gf (of 12 weeks) a little £30 present. Come Xmas day, he hadn’t bothered to get my finance a present at all. Which really upset me at the time.

Now on a weekend that I’ve had in the diary for me and my mum to do my wedding dress shopping for the weekend he decides it’s the weekend my parents can finally meet his new gf so all plans have now changed to go for dinner with them. AIBU for being incredibly upset by all of this?

OP posts:
Scrantonicity2 · 07/01/2024 09:59

Your parents don’t ‘miss out’ if he doesn’t buy them gifts they can change their own expectations in buying him gifts.

Exactly! Really you need to stop with this present buying. It's also not really got anything to do with what your mum chooses to do on that weekend. She should talk honour the prior commitment imo.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 09:59

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 09:57

When I say 3 days for bridal shopping, we absolutely don’t expect to spend 3 days purely shopping but I’m not having a hen do as it’s a v small intimate wedding so it was a combination of both.

What if you find the dress on the first appointment?

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:00

Ok thanks guys, I think maybe I am being slightly unreasonable. It just bothers me that it was suppose to be girly weekend that he’s just hijacked.

Maybe I’m slightly het up about the whole present buying so it’s clouding my judgement

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:01

cutlery · 07/01/2024 09:59

What if you find the dress on the first appointment?

Show quote history

Then we have a weekend sightseeing in London as a hen do kind of thing

OP posts:
Scrantonicity2 · 07/01/2024 10:02

He hasn't hijacked it. Your mum is unreasonable for saying she is free if she isn't. I'm still not entirely clear why an evening meal doesn't work though.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:03

QueSyrahSyrah · 07/01/2024 09:58

If I'm understanding this right, your brother and his girlfriend live in London, you and your Mum don't, but will be there for 3 days next weekend.

Your Mum has agreed to a dinner with your bother and girlfriend while you're there. Is that right?

If so I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I assume the time of the dinner doesn't clash with any of the dress appointments? Did you already have a dinner booked for yourselves that day?

Either way if there's any fault it's your Mum for accepting the invitation, not your Brother for offering it. Stop buying bloody presents for him though!

I don’t live in London, but my brother and my mother do both live closer to London, whilst not central. Me and mum have a hotel booked central

We’d already had book my favourite restaurant for dinner.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 07/01/2024 10:04

Your brother is crap because both you and your mother enable him.

Why would he buy his parents any presents if he has you to do it for him, to the extent you even pay for his shares?

Why should he coordinate dates for events in the family when he knows he can be flaky as hell, and his mum will always drop everything for his whims?

You need to see him for who he is. You are about to have a husband of your own and maybe children. You don't need your brother as well as an extra man-child. No more present buying, reminders for family events, you aren't his mother.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:06

AnnaMagnani · 07/01/2024 10:04

Your brother is crap because both you and your mother enable him.

Why would he buy his parents any presents if he has you to do it for him, to the extent you even pay for his shares?

Why should he coordinate dates for events in the family when he knows he can be flaky as hell, and his mum will always drop everything for his whims?

You need to see him for who he is. You are about to have a husband of your own and maybe children. You don't need your brother as well as an extra man-child. No more present buying, reminders for family events, you aren't his mother.

Agreed, that’s what I feel upset about everything just gets dropped on a whim for him.

but noted re me enabling him too, you are right

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 07/01/2024 10:07

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 09:42

She hasn’t she’s said she’s free. And when I’ve queried this and said it was suppose to be a weekend for us we’ve had the date in the diary and the hotels book I’m told I’m unreasonable

Well.then you have a mum problem.

Newestname002 · 07/01/2024 10:07

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 09:53

I’m absolutely not cross about the gift for his girlfriend I would do that again, no one did force me. But I can at the same time feel hurt he didn’t buy my partner of 6 years a present

OP If he doesn't buy his own mother a present or, at the very least, refund the costs you've incurred in doing the thinking, buying, wrapping and delivering the present to your (and his!) mother then why would you think he buy for your fiancé. Does he buy for you??

As for the wedding dress buying trip, if you and your mother prefers to meet your brother and his girlfriend on one of the evenings, just bring one or two of your best friends instead.

Your brother obviously couldn't be bothered to arrange and travel to introduce his girlfriend to his mother so is piggy backing into your trip. Is this someone you really want to put yourself out for? 🌹

Scrantonicity2 · 07/01/2024 10:08

We’d already had book my favourite restaurant for dinner.

So your mum wasn't free but told you you were unreasonable for pointing that out? I can see why you'd be upset.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 07/01/2024 10:10

I’m also confused. Can’t you have dinner with your mum the other night? It’s just one meal out of a three day trip!

Re the presents, just stop it. You sound like a bit of a martyr tbh

MindHowYouGoes · 07/01/2024 10:10

You’re being quite unreasonable here - setting aside 3 days for dress shopping and expecting your mum to devote the weekend entirely to that isn’t really fair. Dress shopping is exciting for the first and second appointment then after that it gets a little dull. If your mum wants to go to dinner with your brother to meet his girlfriend while she’s in town that’s perfectly ok.

and if your brother is so shit he can’t even buy presents for people it’s quite unlikely he’s aware of your weekend plans and arranged it the same weekend on purpose. After all your mother said she was free. Which again - she’s not unreasonable to make herself free one evening to have dinner with them while she has the opportunity.

Growlybear83 · 07/01/2024 10:10

But surely it makes sense for your mum to meet the new girlfriend one of the evenings that weekend if your brother lives in London and you will be staying there for three days? I think you're being really unreasonable.

QueSyrahSyrah · 07/01/2024 10:10

We’d already had book my favourite restaurant for dinner.

Well in that case you have a Mother problem, not a Brother problem (in this scenario).

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:11

Scrantonicity2 · 07/01/2024 10:08

We’d already had book my favourite restaurant for dinner.

So your mum wasn't free but told you you were unreasonable for pointing that out? I can see why you'd be upset.

Absolutely. Now I don’t know if I make a stance and don’t go or just put up with it and how everyone reacts to his behaviour as normal.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 07/01/2024 10:12

@HannahRose23 take you best friend instead of your mum! he is obviously the golden child so is far more important. your mother does not seem too fussed about wedding dress shopping with her only daughter so it is her loss. you and your best friend will have a better time!!!

Scrapper142 · 07/01/2024 10:12

I'm getting the impression that rather than him put any effort into arranging a visit from your parents he's found out that they'll be in London (after you've made all the bookings) and conveniently now free that weekend. Which means he doesn't have to make any effort or pay for a hotel for another weekend. He has yet again piggy backed onto your efforts and avoided any work and expense.

If that's the case, he's yet again taking the piss and I can see why you're annoyed. May be this is the incident that tipped over the annoyance of covering for him for years.

If it goes ahead make sure to drop into conversation that you bought her Christmas present and you'll looking forward to passing her the baton of his gift buying responsibility.

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:15

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 07/01/2024 10:10

I’m also confused. Can’t you have dinner with your mum the other night? It’s just one meal out of a three day trip!

Re the presents, just stop it. You sound like a bit of a martyr tbh

she can, it was just that we’d had our activities booked and my favourite restaurant for that night and now the plans have changed on a whim

OP posts:
WashItTomorrow · 07/01/2024 10:17

You are not unreasonable here. The problem is your mum. She’s ditched your plans in favour of your brother. I’d be pissed off too.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 07/01/2024 10:17

All those saying bring a friend - would anyone really want to spend 3 days dress shopping for someone?
Especially someone they’re not even related to!

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:18

Scrapper142 · 07/01/2024 10:12

I'm getting the impression that rather than him put any effort into arranging a visit from your parents he's found out that they'll be in London (after you've made all the bookings) and conveniently now free that weekend. Which means he doesn't have to make any effort or pay for a hotel for another weekend. He has yet again piggy backed onto your efforts and avoided any work and expense.

If that's the case, he's yet again taking the piss and I can see why you're annoyed. May be this is the incident that tipped over the annoyance of covering for him for years.

If it goes ahead make sure to drop into conversation that you bought her Christmas present and you'll looking forward to passing her the baton of his gift buying responsibility.

Thank you I just feel really hurt so I might be being unreasonable x

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:19

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 07/01/2024 10:17

All those saying bring a friend - would anyone really want to spend 3 days dress shopping for someone?
Especially someone they’re not even related to!

Let’s be clear whilst it’s a 3 day trip it’s not 3 days worth of dressing shopping. We planned to do 1 day of dresses then make it into a girly weekend/hen do thing as I’m not having a hen do. That was always the plan.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 07/01/2024 10:20

HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 09:53

I’m absolutely not cross about the gift for his girlfriend I would do that again, no one did force me. But I can at the same time feel hurt he didn’t buy my partner of 6 years a present

Have you exchanged gifts for partners before, otherwise if this is a new thing that you just started how would he know?

Original poster
HannahRose23 · 07/01/2024 10:21

Namenamchange · 07/01/2024 10:20

Have you exchanged gifts for partners before, otherwise if this is a new thing that you just started how would he know?

Show quote history

No not new he always has bought. Dunno if it was his ex that reminded him or my mum I don’t know. But it’s not a new thing

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