To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Just wondering if this is a normal thing in families with small children or whether it’s me/us.

I feel like I never have a nice time with them. Everything we do is ruined by screaming, crying, demands for things and constant requests for food/toilet/drinks. I plan nice things for us to do and it’s all just so much hassle, I always end up thinking why did I bother? I would just stay home but it’s even worse then, the same whinging but stuck inside

Just feeling really down in the dumps. Maybe I’m just a shit mum

I remember posting something similar on here when my DC were little. I took them to a water park, spent loads and they were awful all day - tears, drama, tantrums, accidents - the lot. Felt like I'd never enjoy them. Fast forward several years and they are a joy age 9 and 11. Took the younger one for lunch in Wagamama's as he loves it - we had a good natter then to a plane museum as he loves those too! More recently went to London with DD - we had a lovely time shopping in the Zara sale and then went to Foyles as we share a love of books. After Xmas all 4 of us went to see Wonka - had a lovely time.
What I'm saying is that my life never used to be like this ! The fun times will come, hang on in there- little kids are hard work.

How old are they?

And you're not a shit mum - kids are ungrateful and difficult where ever you are 😂. Lower your expectations and know that it doesn't last forever

You’re not a shit mum - motherhood is at times pretty shit. Don’t beat yourself up for not enjoying cleaning poo or trying to drag a screaming toddler out of a park…

Promise it gets easier ❤️

The problem is you’re quite possibly comparing to what people put on social media or whatever saying how wonderful things are. I’ve literally been on days out with friends where their kids have been a nightmare and my friend has had an awful day but she’s posted on Facebook aboit how amazing it was. Trust me, so many of us have consistently sh1tty days out with the kids so don’t worry about it.

How old are you?

are you entertaining them too much? Kids needs to have time to be bored and learn to entertain themselves.

How old are they not you?

Not a shit mum!

parent of an 11ye old ND, it’s painful, every day!
we’re currently sat in a very expensive hotel room as the entertainment isn’t to her liking. It’s the same for everything.

Routine and regular exercise seems to be the answer. So walks after lunch etc or bike rides / park / swimming. We are not into big days out too often.

We've just found our groove, just in time for back to school. 😱👍

Still feel the same at times with my preteen dd and teenage stepchildren. Try and do something nice and 9 times out of 10 it blows up in my face. Someone's upset someone else, this isn't fair that's not fair. I find them very hard to please when all together. They get off on annoying each other which in turn annoys me and it's like they see who can be the most annoying.

Mine are 10 and 7 and I still feel like this now. I've lost count of the number of times I've said I'm not planning any more activities/days out because it just feels pointless. So I don't have any advice, but you're definitely not on your own.

This is a lie. It doesn't get easier it's just a different difficult lol

You are absolutely not a shit mother but you may have shit kids!! No of course they are not shit but they may be more difficult. My mantra for years was some children are harder to rear. My eldest came into this world difficult and I often think he will go to his grave a difficult man, he is a teen now so time will tell. My 2 youngest are much much easier, we have lovely times together if DS isn't there. Thankfully he is old enough to opt out of stuff now but it was nothing but drama for years.

Ha you've just described my life OP to a tee 😂

Are they still young?

I found ages 6-11 to be really lovely.

Possibly you're planning things that you think are nice things to do/have been advertised as being nice things to do/you've seen on social media or from friends and not actually what your kids will enjoy doing. I think that's a really common problem. Often it's just too much for the kids/too out of routine/requires too much of them. You can have nice times with your kids, but it'll probably be in the local park or on your sofa not at Legoland/a museum/a big day out.

I don’t think you’re a shit mum. Small children are hard work.

I do think there are some tactics that can help oil the wheels towards having a nice time, such as:

• leaving plenty of time. It’s impossible to be anything other than a ball of prickly stress if you’re trying to get small children ready in a hurry. Plan to give yourself twice as long as you think you’ll need to get everyone ready and out of the house.
• work with your children - what do they enjoy (as opposed to what do other parents think is fun). Do they like screaming and running around? Find a nice forest to let them loose in. Do they like art? Set up something messy in the garden. I’ve found myself frustrated at my son not enjoying something several times when I’ve planned it without really thinking about whether it’s something he will actually love.
• Accept the snackocalypse. Bring plenty of things they can just help themselves to - raisins, babybels, bananas, crackers. Teach them to help themselves from a box or bag so they can sort themselves out.

and of course, you can do all of this and sometimes they’ll still be absolutely miserable and whine until your ears fall off - but that’s not your fault or something you’re doing wrong. It’s just the nature of the beast, and any other nice parent would commiserate.

We went to eurodisney a few years ago, going in, everyone was in awe, eyes wide etc, then you notice the crying, the tantrums, the bribery, the adults trying to fake a smile. And it’s normal, overexcitement, being hangry, tiredness, disappointment- I don’t think it’s kids being bad most of the time! I think most days out etc etc with kids you get amazing highs but ridiculously low lows too.

Couldn’t disagree more! I’ve found it easier and easier as time goes on.

It really is different for everyone - I know some children are highly sensitive and every age is hard for their parents but for lots of people that’s not the case. For me, 3 is easier than 2, 2 was easier than 1, and 1 was easier than baby.

My kids are 12,11,11 & i still end up upset after trying to do a nice day out with them. Invariably I spend a ton of money only to have them fighting and arguing in public instead of behind closed doors. Then i come home and say I'm not taking you all out again.
Then I see something I think they'd like and spend money on tickets just for me to be disappointed again a few weeks later!
I never learn.
But no, I rarely have a nice time with my kids. Individually we have far better times so divide and conquer wins here.

That might be your experience but it isn’t everyone’s. It absolutely got easier with mine. They are still annoying at times but it’s far easier!

OP how old are your kids?

My 14 month old is exhausting… I’d describe a day with him like keeping a lid on a volcano!

9 year old DS is great company as is DD 12. I often find the trick is 1:1 time. Which for lots is easier said than done but ok for me as they take it in turns to go their dads once a week!

It is incredibly exhausting, and can be emotionally draining if you feel that every other family is having a great time when you aren’t. But hang in there, things do get better…
A few things we have done to make things seem a lot better are:

• ’1-to-1’ days.. when kids are at that tricky age and always seem to be playing up, divide and conquer. If you have a partner who can share the load then create a rota for who gets to have a special day out with one of the kids (while the other adult looks after the others). We always used to give them a choice about what they would like to do on their special day, and where they would like to eat - and if finances permit, we always finished up with a trip to the souvenir shop to buy a gift (eg a pencil or key ring etc) for their siblings, and for them as well, as a memento of the day. We used to treat it like a really special ‘treat’ day, giving them lots of attention. We found (with one of my kids in particular, who was around 5 at the time) that it had a massive, and immediate impact on their behaviour, and also was a nice way of actually trying to enjoy spending time with the DC. We used to do it weekly, with me and my DH switching who got to have the special day out with each of the kids.
• My husband had the brilliant idea of getting images from our holidays and says our printed, and we have them on the wall - they reinforce the ‘happy’ memories, and make it all seem much much better (it becomes the new narrative for the childhood phase!). I used to think I was a terrible mother, and that our kids were so challenging, but seeing these photos makes me smile every single day, and my memories of when they were small are now more about the high days and holidays (shown on the photos), than the really challenging times!

Totally normal op! You are not a shit mum. How old are they?

The relentless nature of parenting and the intensity of its demands, imho, plus all the attendant worry, makes it quite difficult to step back and just enjoy it.

Sounds awful to say it but I think most mothers are so busy getting the “essentials” done like reasonably healthy food, cleanish clothes, cleanish house, facilitating good sleep, extra curricular stuff, exercise and outdoor time and maybe sports when they are older, that it leaves very little available space for anything else.

The trick is to carve in little pockets of enjoyment in your ordinary day, like reading books together at bedtime, or going for an ice cream in the park on the way back from school, playing eye spy in the doctor’s waiting room etc.

And of course dc famously have minds of their own when it comes to instructions and schedules. Children are depicted in soaps and films as dutifully going up to bed when told or passively doing hawk and normal parenting is more of a battle!

And many of us are still expected to work like we don’t have dc and parent like we don’t have jobs.

You might get a couple of weeks a year staying with family or in a hotel when all the maintenance stuff is taken care of, and if you are lucky and they don’t go down with chicken pox or bronchiolitis, you might enjoy a couple of afternoons at the beach when one or two of them have fun! 😃

Sorry if that sounds unnecessarily bleak but my dh worked away for a lot of my dc’s childhood and it makes a huge difference having a supportive and hands on partner I think.

I think the trick is to really take care of your own mh and self care and don’t totally lose yourself in it all if you can help it. I use to think that advice was poppycock but it really isn’t it. If you are happy, and calm and confident in yourself, your dc will reflect that. And you need to be in good fettle for the teen years 😂😂

Sorry if that all sounds bleak but it’s realistic I think unlike so much parenting content on sm! Stay strong and do some stuff you enjoy too xxx

Just to add, there’s something very comforting about lowering your expectations… I find the days when my kids have me tearing my hair out tends to coincide with when I’ve had (very) unrealistic expectations!