To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Just wondering if this is a normal thing in families with small children or whether it’s me/us.

I feel like I never have a nice time with them. Everything we do is ruined by screaming, crying, demands for things and constant requests for food/toilet/drinks. I plan nice things for us to do and it’s all just so much hassle, I always end up thinking why did I bother? I would just stay home but it’s even worse then, the same whinging but stuck inside

Just feeling really down in the dumps. Maybe I’m just a shit mum

Yesterday we went by bus to the next town along and went to their library and cafe before getting the bus home again. Today we walked to our town centre, went to a church play group, bought a new jigsaw from the charity shop and came home to do it. Of course there were moments of whinging and crying and toilet stops and the like. But my expectations weren’t high and it cost me very little so it was fine.

^^

Case in point!!

I had no idea how ungrateful and difficult children could be until we had them! It’s not generally talked about how they make you cry, but you still love them anyway, though maybe then less people would have them! You wouldn’t get the highs (the cuddles, the love, the laughter) without the lows of parenting (the I hate yous and the tantrums) and resilience is key!

This >> I always say kids ruin everything 🤣

We only had a handful of genuinely nice days out over the years. There was usually endless bickering and moaning. Your expectations need to be pretty low, then anything else is a bonus.

Normal x

That does sound v hard HungryCaterpillar .

I found four to be a very hard age when they were finding their own strength and testing boundaries. It was much harder than the toddler years ime.

If they are going to be miserable anyway, a good routine with plenty of fresh air and exercise might not harm even if it doesn’t exactly help? I certainly think it helps the parent to get everyone out of the house before lunch time anyway. I agree it’s really draining when they are acting up and nothing helps though.

Tis just a phase. I'd do ordinary stuff and stop trying to do "nice things" that always end in tears.

Mine are lovely now (in their 20s).

I really enjoy days out with mine at the moment. They just seem to appreciate things. I do try to think ahead to avoid problems, such as take snacks, have the pram in case they refuse to walk, have gloves and spare clothes in case they get cold or wet. If one has a cry just comfort them and move on.

We do a lot of local trips - shop to buy crisps then park, trip to charity shop to buy toys, local walks and bike rides, playgrounds and cafes feature heavily. Try to meet with friends when we can.

We never stay home all day but are often home all afternoon and they are pretty happy at home too, playing together with their toys etc so I guess that contented attitude just transfers to whatever we are doing.

Big days out to zoo etc are less common as we don't have loads of money but when we go I always feel that they enjoyed it.

They are 2.5 and 4.5. It was much more difficult a year ago but now they are great. My husband is the one who's usually huffing and puffing about something. So I guess we all have our burdens

Same OP, same 😔

I too feel like a shit mum for this exact reason. When I get into that frame of thinking though I consider what I'd say to a friend in a similar situation, and I'd tell them: the fact you care about being a shit mum means you're not.

Mine are 5 and 1. I'm hoping it gets easier. I've found simpler days with lower demands can be better. This afternoon we decorated biscuits and it was much nicer than our day out yesterday, much less pressure. Solidarity OP ✊🏻

?

I absolutely could have written this. DSs are 3 and 18 months. I'm findings the replies extremely heartening! Having said that, I just got back from a (mostly!) really nice day out with DS1 while DH kept DS2 at home, so I agree with those who've said that divide and conquer is often the way to go.

Mine love to watch the pigeons and squirrels at the zoo. Definitely less interested in the proper animals!

This thread has made me feel so much better. Had an afternoon out planned but it was cancelled due to someone deliberately doing a poo on the bathroom floor to impress a sibling. Someone's finger then got shut in a door etc etc.

In reality I think we were all just really tired after the first week back.

We couldn't rely on the TV, as I foolishly banned TV as a sanction for something else.

I've been saying "stop doing that you ll break it" and stop it you ll hurt each other on repeat.

But after a while they seemed to enjoy playing with their toys, and inventing a game. It's just really hard, there's about an hour of sunlight after lunch, so the pressure is on to get out! But like another poster said, it's even worse when they act like that in public! You are not shit.

@SecondHandFurniture
You are my people!
I work part time and I often feel like this on my days off then feel horrendously bad for wishing the time away. FFS.
Always worse in winter for me too.

I did 4 years working 3 days a week when DS was a preschooler (October birthday) and the last couple of winters were so difficult. Fortunately one of my NCT friends had another then became a SAHM, so we kept each other sane by meeting once a week!

@SecondHandFurniture
Snap with the October birthday.
DD is a joy and she has some lovely friends we meet up with some weeks but she's a super early riser and dropped all naps at 18 months and I hate the feeling of 'filling the day'.
We rotate soft play, trampolines, stay and play etc and pray for no rain to get our but I think one more toddler group singing in a circle and I may stab myself in the eye (primary teacher here also).

I also think it can still be a great day even if someone does have a tantrum or fall in a puddle or wet their pants etc. Crying or fighting or falling in the mud before getting out of the garden is also fairly standard, but I wouldn't let that set the tone for the day. I can only think of one thing we did recently that was a complete disaster which was a soft play that was really busy and my younger one was a bit under the weather and refused to go in and then the older one got attacked 3 times by the same feral toddler who drew blood on her face. We cut our losses and went for a walk over the railway bridge and looked at some boats on the canal and had a milky way and they ended up having a great time. So even that wasn't too bad in the end although a waste of £12!

My husband on the other hand never enjoys days out, he has no patience for the toilet breaks and sibling negotiations, gets annoyed with slow walking, takes it personally if they complain about anything etc, expects everything to be perfect. So maybe it's more the attitude of the parent, in some cases at least.

Having a 4yo was my absolute low. Several times I ended up breaking down in tears when people asked how I was. He was very hard work, didn't want to do anything, I remember walking around the perimeter of a park while he held onto my ankle as I was determined to get some fresh air. Fun times.

5 years later and activities are still problematic. He only wants to go if a friend comes and never to somewhere outdoors or non-child focused. I'm a single parent so it's very wearing, my mental health suffers. My choose seems to be drag him out or sit at home. Bit crap.

DD was the baby/toddler/preschooler that cried a lot(reflux), didn't sleep,didn't eat, didn't talk.

We did have lots of nice times (and still do) together but that's because it was only her to deal with and luckily,despite being a pain in the ass with the above, she had and still has a pretty easy going personality.

I still remember the time she cried and had a horrific meltdown because I looked at her sock wrong though.

Snacks seems to be a real issue

why so many snacks? Constant snacks? Do you have to bring a massive handbag to keep them all in?

This one made me laugh slightly as the mother of the child who gave himself an asthma attack from the fumes of his own shit, and thus was unfit to do his evening activity, and made me late for mine which was somewhat awkward to explain...

My children are absolute geniuses for ever inventive ways to complicate the day or just inventive ways to complain!

The sweet spot is the junior school years. Alas we've hit the teenage years... Kevin the Teenager was based on truth. Little things like playgrounds no longer cut it, and it's hard to find places of interest without begining to blow significant amounts of money. Awkwardly being autistic, he doesn't have a social life to plug some non-screen time and it's hard to fill that void.

Divide and conquer is a good strategy where possible.

Omg this this this.

Gone are the days of morning softplay/ swimming / activities…I now only do things that finish around 5 so all that’s left when I get home is dinner, bath and bed.

Yes I agree with this. My kids often find things like this too overwhelming and we have to do a lot of "prep" work beforehand so they don't freak out! They are NT but still need a lot of explaining about the day and what the rough plan is etc. We don't really do many activities therefore, and ime they're much happier having a day playing Lego with us at home or having a family movie evening.

OP you are absolutely not a shit mum!
I think if we were all totally honest we have all experienced this!
That feeling of why do I bother!

As a PP said.....it absolutely does get better! I stopped the big costly days out for a long time and took too easy days where the kids could run free/riot and I stopped the organised fun. So think days out at the park/beach/meeting up with friends and letting the kids loose in the garden. It was a game changer.

Things are easier now they are getting older ( 8 - 10 y/o ) and they appreciate and exciting day to the zoo/museum/trampoline Park etc.

I think most kids....below the age of 5/6/7 just aren't quite old enough to make it through the day somewhere too big without being overwhelmed/overtired. I found with ours that they just thrived on being allowed to play freely!

It's gets easier ......although they still enjoy the odd bicker and whinge here and there but nothing that kills the day out.

Kids are funsuckers!

@Pleasehelpimexhausted

you don’t sound remotely shit Op