To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Just wondering if this is a normal thing in families with small children or whether it’s me/us.

I feel like I never have a nice time with them. Everything we do is ruined by screaming, crying, demands for things and constant requests for food/toilet/drinks. I plan nice things for us to do and it’s all just so much hassle, I always end up thinking why did I bother? I would just stay home but it’s even worse then, the same whinging but stuck inside

Just feeling really down in the dumps. Maybe I’m just a shit mum

You are not a shit mum! The title of your thread made me laugh, kids are mad aren't they 🤣 I like to remind myself that their little brains aren't developed like ours, and they don't work a 9-5 and worry about bills so they don't really appreciate how nice it is to do nice things.

I found baby and infanthood fairly easy (sheer luck!)

4 yrs - 6 years really hard

7 to 13 - so much easier and full on but generally ok even enjoyable at times!

14-18 hellish

😀😀

I think the key is to notice when it's nice and lower your expectations. Dh has grand notions of things, and won't notice when it's lovely, so if the kids are mucking about at an experience- like following pigeons at the zoo he's itching to get to the giraffes and wow them, even though they're made up watching the pigeons. That's the bit you need to enjoy because for all you know it'll be a shit show at the giraffes when they notice other kids have ice cream or whatever. So you have to notice when it's nice and if you get one or two nice moments in between all the rest then take it and be grateful.

Yeah. It’s better now they are older, but I still feel we can never play a board game without someone flipping the board at the end (literally or figuratively), that playing videogames is about managing their emotions, that day trips are me constantly going “who needs a wee? No you have to at least try, next toilet is in an hour. Please don’t walk so close to the cliff. Please don’t walk so close to the road. Please don’t fall in the sea. Yes I have snacks, a Mars and a Snickers. I’m sorry you both want Mars today, no I don’t have two. Please stop arguing or I’ll eat the bloody Mars. Please stop crying no I won’t ACTUALLY eat it. Where do you guys want to have lunch? Please stop hitting your sister. We should start towards the lunch place because it’s a long walk. Yes I know you’re not hungry but you will be by the time we get there. Please pick up your toys. This toy is not ours where did you get it? Does that boy have our kite?? Who needs a wee?”

Honestly, I don’t think kids enjoy the activities adults think they will, I have stopped booking them now and just taker my DD to soft play or free/cheap less organised things.

I think people try to do too much with their children sometimes. Most days should be ordinary, hanging around at home or in the garden, playing with toys, doing a bit of baking, painting or colouring. I didn't drive, so we would walk to the shops every couple of days.

Honestly it just sounds what I'd class as 'a nice day' sometimes you just got to embrace it as it is.
I'm definitely with you that I'd rather be out than stuck inside but there's definitely no appreciation from my kids for it when I feel like I've made such an effort and being a great parent.
I think mum bloggers and influencers or even friends, will only post the good photos from their day which makes it look lovely- 90% of the time it's pure stress for every parent.

You’re not a shit Mum. I think we can put too much pressure on ourselves to have exciting, wholesome days out and sometimes it doesn’t work out. Someone pukes or shits themselves or falls over, kids can also be really ungrateful. Having said that it gets easier when they are a bit older as the above scenarios tend to happen less often.
mine are older teens now and I still stress about everyone having a good time and sometimes I don’t allow myself to relax and enjoy myself because I’m worrying too much about everyone else.

plus also don’t always believe everyone else who is “making memories” or “living their best lives” on SM because you only get to see the highlight reels in other peoples lives

I find the days we do less are more enjoyable. or where we go somewhere very child friendly, like a park or softplay then I can listen to a podcast or audio book while they play. They are 4 and 18mo so still need a lot of input but I can still listen to something and it makes it more enjoyable for me.

You're not a shit mum. I didn't enjoy the baby and toddler years. Just felt permanently exhausted and on edge. DC are now 6 and 9 and although they have their moments it's a much easier age - they can wake up themselves, go downstairs and switch the TV on, they can amuse themselves while I do things around the house, they can be chucked in the car at short notice without me having to fill bottles, find snacks, time naps etc. Actually tonight DS is having a sleepover in DDs bedroom and they're just upstairs chatting away with torches on. I don't doubt I'm not far away from meltdowns but trying to make the most of it.

Hahaha!! I remember this last year. We took DS aged 6. He was loving it, living his best life.

Saw families with slightly younger kids/ babies and toddlers. And honestly, it looked like no fun for anyone in those families. Kids crying, parents arguing, parents shouting and storming off.

@Pleasehelpimexhausted it gets better as the kids get older. Promise

I massively agree with this. My middle is a dream, eldest can be difficult but a teen so hormonal? Youngest makes me cry almost every day.

All parented the same.

I’ve had enough today. Can’t fucking wait for Monday, back to school and a breather for me.

I always say kids ruin everything 🤣
The problem we have is that we have an idea in our heads about how a day out should look, thank you social media 🙄, and then when it, inevitably, goes pear shaped we feel like we've failed. Kids can be arseholes, especially when they've had a day out as they're most likely either tired or overstimulated or both. I think we just need to accept this and actually realise that on the whole, the day out was a success.

I booked the local safari park with our annual passes on Friday. Had notions of a really lovely day with DS, doing the boat or train, getting lunch, and seeing the aforementioned giraffes. Haha.

However, DS wanted to sit in his PJs and build Lego, so we didn't go (no money lost, obviously). I think sometimes, particularly now he is school age so everywhere is busy on any day we are free to go, the idea of somewhere is better than the reality of driving 40 minutes, praying it doesn't rain, dragging coats and a heavy bag, snacks, water bottle etc. round a big attraction.

Soft play gets a kicking but sometimes the kids just want to climb about and scream on their own steam while mummy or daddy gets a coffee. And we can walk there!

Please stop arguing or I’ll eat the bloody Mars. Please stop crying no I won’t ACTUALLY eat it.

@LegoDeathTrap omg I feel so validated because this is basically word for word how my interactions with my dd go.

If you don't stop whining we're going straight home! ...OK yes I understand you're very sorry, please calm down now we won't suddenly go home...

Most of us, if we are lucky, have good memories from holidays or trips out as dc though don’t we? So I wouldn’t worry too much op!

It could have been hellish for my parents but I remember building sandcastles and riding on a donkey at the beach. A fun time sitting at the top of a small crag in the Lake District, and playing in a stream. I also remember throwing up in the car, on a ferry and at the top of some hotel stairs 🤢

Dc don’t comprehend the amount of stress, , money and organisation, that goes in to facilitating a holiday.

It’s like Christmas losing its shine somewhat as an adult when you realise that it’s up to you to create the magic rather than just enjoying it!

In summary, your dc are probably having a much better time than you imagine op!

Sometimes though, when they're up at 6 absolute latest, you can have done drawing/painting and baking by 11am and still have 8 hours of day to fill. It's one reason I was relieved when DS started school last year.

This thread has been ridiculously comforting tonight, glad I'm not alone!

I feel this deeply. Parenting for me atm is about filling the hours till bedtime. Especially on weekends.

Today dh and I had done everything, I mean everything... he took dd out to football class, then took her to do a big tesco run, then they came home and we had lunch, then we took the Xmas tree down and tidied all the decorations away, we watched a few episodes of octonauts, she helped with a couple of the baby's nappy changes, we played a game where we pretended to be a family of zebras...

And then it was 2.15pm. Aaaaaargh

It's not the answer. Today I suggested we go on a walk to the beach (10 min walk) and take our bucket to pick shells etc.

Didn't even make it out of the garden before the 4yr old started crying and didn't stop for the duration we were out (20-30 mins) never made it to the beach because of the meltdown and tantrums.

Omg it's so hard. Op I am living the same life as you, it's draining.
Bought tickets to a petting farm for our you guests birthday a couple months ago and again the 4yr old had a meltdown and sat in the car with DH for the duration. There's no point doing anything fun now

I agree with this^^.

I think it’s helpful if you can ignore sm, adapt to a child’s pace, and do your own thing without putting too much pressure on yourself!

Also, don’t feel guilty if as a parent you enjoy Andalusian nose flute playing and your very young dc all become expert Andalusian nose flute players 😀 Obviously, they have to be allowed to explore their own interests as they get older, but when they are really young, it helps the tedium if the parent can get to do something they enjoy occasionally too.

You need to set CLEAR expectations of behavior and give a warning. Any nonsense and straight home. No fun, no tv, no nothing for the rest of the day.

How old are your kids? I have a 3.5 yo and a 6 month old so really little. I don’t pre book anything and we never do expensive, big trips out for all the reasons you have described. Too much expectation, too much tiredness, too many emotions, too much mental load, too much unpredictability, too expensive.

Yesterday we went by bus to the next town along and went to their library and cafe before getting the bus home again. Today we walked to our town centre, went to a church play group, bought a new jigsaw from the charity shop and came home to do it. Of course there were moments of whinging and crying and toilet stops and the like. But my expectations weren’t high and it cost me very little so it was fine.

We used to try and do trips out to exciting destinations places but we were all stressed, tired and broke so we stopped.

Couple things for the adult to reset with - the expectation we have of children is too high. We bring them to places that aren't always suited to them and expect them to behave like grown ups.
As adults we have a perception of what the perfect day out is, lower expectations. Perfect doesn't exist.
Stop worrying about the people around you, unless you're kids are really being annoying for others let them be.

Depends on the age

Also, I find if you spend a fortune you expect it to be a success, or at least appreciated: it rarely is, so you might as well do free stuff.

Social media has a lot to answer for in this respect, too