To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

Just wondering if this is a normal thing in families with small children or whether it’s me/us.

I feel like I never have a nice time with them. Everything we do is ruined by screaming, crying, demands for things and constant requests for food/toilet/drinks. I plan nice things for us to do and it’s all just so much hassle, I always end up thinking why did I bother? I would just stay home but it’s even worse then, the same whinging but stuck inside

Just feeling really down in the dumps. Maybe I’m just a shit mum

Nice moments or bursts.

It's sunshine and thunderstorms.

Two hour maximum for outings. One outing per day. Other adult company mandatory or understanding that you are a human sacrifice and only there to entertain.

I produced a golden ratio in my head that if I received ten minutes freetime for every hour I spent focussing upon them.

Some days are a slog and others produce moments of such joy that you will never forget them - you just need to be not to burnt out and crushed to enjoy them.

Get them involved in the planning. They take it in turns to choose where to go.

Pack loads of good protein-based snacks and water and give them at intervals so they don't get hangry. Avoid sugary treats that cause mood swings when blood sugar spikes or dips.

If that still doesn't work, just take them out on special one-to-one day trips, while someone else has the other DC. Kids often behave much better if your sole attention is on them and they chose their day trip

We had this conversation at work recently, plan nice things you think the kids will like, kids are little shits, end up wondering why you bothered in the 1st place! Days out I find are pretty exhausting and if you are going on your own with no adult back up it's even worse. I think keep expectation low really and don't spend too much so you aren't sad if it all goes TU. Mine are nearly 9 and 3 and the eldest would be fine on her own, although sometimes moans about going out at all, but because we have to give more focus to the 3 year old things can start to spiral. It is hard and I find myself pretty exhausted most of the time tbh trying to stay patient and keep the peace.

Oh thank god it's not just me! It's so stressful isn't it? Why did we have children? 😆

This thread is great! It’s very true when you’ve put too much money/anticipation into a day or event, it often goes wrong with kids.

There’s also such a fine line I find of us of doing too little in a day (they start fighting/climbing the walls/bored/house is a tip and it’s still hours until bedtime) or too much (too many transitions/overwhelmed/too much pressure).
The nicest time we had today was an hour or so where the kids played independently with their friends and I got a tea in peace with their mums catching up. Everyone happy. Leaving was a shitshow though, as they were hangry. And it took us an hour to leave for the park this morning due to meltdowns. Which we then left after 20 mins as they got wet from puddles and were too cold. Parenting is a mug’s game!

YANBU

Aw OP I do really love these kind of posts because it makes me feel normal! I feel exactly the same. My kids are both under 5. You're not a shit mum, it's just hard and kids are hard. It's hard!! Sending hugs. They will appreciate it all one day. You'll look back and you won't regret doing all the nice things, because just by trying to do them you're an amazing mum. You want them to have a nice time, and somewhere between all the shit times I'm sure there will be at least some nice ones, and you're winning because that's better than not doing anything at all! Staying at home is always 100x worse.
I heard recently "parenting is only hard if you're a good parent". It's so true.

My advice is try to factor in something nice for yourself at least for part of each trip or plan. For example if I have to stand in the park for a couple of hours, I'll make sure to choose a location where I can also buy myself a nice coffee. Or I'll just take them to nice nature places so I can enjoy the scenery too and they can still run about. If we go somewhere like a play gym which is no joy for me at all, I'll make sure we eat there too so basically my own treat is getting to avoid the making / cleaning up of lunch!

What I find helps is preparing them in the days before for what to expect, so for example if we’re going to a theme park we’ll look at rides on YouTube and ask them to pick which ones they definitely want to go on, talk about what we’ll have for lunch and snack and talk about where we’ll sit for lunch and choose what t-shirt they want to wear etc.

If you look at it from their point of view they’re in a big new place, they don’t know how long the day will be and aren’t able to regulate how much energy they use so if they have an idea of what is going to happen it helps them have a little bit of control.

See my kids must be broken because the conversation with DD (4) would go something like this:
Me: where do you want to go sweetie
DD: to see unicorns
Me: there’s nowhere round here with unicorns but there is somewhere with farm animals?
DD: NO I don’t LIKE farm animals I want to see a UNICORN
Me: what about soft play
DD: will there be unicorns at the soft play?
Me: No
DD: Then I don’t want to GO

Etc, etc

And the snack requests are eternal and transcend hunger. She’s asked for a snack 10 minutes after a full Sunday roast.

uff I’m dealing with the same age and attitude. Ready to chew my arm off after 3 weeks of winter break and home most of the time since Halloween due to various sicknesses.

We took our 3 year old and 10 month old to a farm today. We had a tantrum before we even left, with threats of not going, about putting shoes on. The 3 year old rugby tackled the 10 month old in the soft play (he’s fine) and I had to carry the 3 year old back to the car wailing when we went to leave as he didn’t want to go home 🙄….this pretty much sums up most of our days out 🤷‍♀️ Bit I still plan things in the hope that next time it will be better and there are the odd 20minutes throughout the day when we’ll have an amazing time.

You’re not a shit mum, kids are turds.

On New Year’s Day after a morning of dossing about (6-9 or thereabouts) we made a nice breakfast - 2nd breakfast for the kids - and said right, let’s go to a local beauty spot (Coulter Fell in South Lanarkshire, for those interested), and there’s a long tarmac road for the kids to ride their bikes and mum and I can have a nice walk, we might get a few km in.

They were shit. They whinged the whole way, to the point that we maybe got 300m from the car before turning back. They moaned their way out of privileges for the rest of the day on the journey home and spoiled the day.

You are not alone.

Here's a recent thread full of special days out with the kids that have turned into disasters...reading it made me laugh and feel a lot better about my disastrous day trips

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4951174-nice-activities-or-outings-youve-done-with-the-kids-that-have-turned-into-an-absolute-shitshow?page=1

I can't tell you how much I needed to read this thread!

I do find enjoyable moments but most of them are whilst we are at home. At bedtime I read a chapter from a book (from today's 30 min library trip) to my 4 year old for the first time and it was lovely. Up to now we've just read picture books, she was engrossed. Little things like that I cling onto. But I feel a constant pressure to do fun activities and days out and feel so guilty for not giving my kids all these experiences. In reality everything is so expensive, it's tiring, stressful, overstimulating all round. We tend to stay home a lot!

Hopefully when my kids are older we can do more big days out

I'm 100% in this camp.

We dream small. Really small.

I occasionally book stuff but only cheap (£10/15 total cost) and I try and optimise timings too: 9 to midday is THE window for kids activities.
If it involves being still (ie a meal) I ensure a run around before and bring sticker books and snacks.
Again, Everything is cheap.

I stupidly went off piste in December and got ££ Santa tickets in the afternoon...and while it was kinda fine there were high expectations, tantrums and i felt like it fell flat and was really down in the dumps I'd failed afterwards.
A timely reminder to stick to the system!!!

This is great advice! I do manage to have nice days out with my kids - and some shit ones.

The general rule of the successful days are… stay away from tempting things that are going to cause arguments. such as toy shops when I am not buying them anything (cue meltdown)

not be in a hurry, not have any high expectations or hard deadlines

snacks are key. Constant supply of snacks and be prepared to stop off for an ice cream / hot chocolate / delete according to weather

trying not to force an activity that doesn’t suit them. Never been more stressed than taking a 2 year old to a gallery where they can’t touch the art (and it was really colourful and appealing). Taking them to the woods or a farm is perfect.

taking change of clothes for little ones and pt stressing if they get dirty etc.

you’re not a shit mum. Just writing this post show how much you care.

They leave home eventually

Mine are always saying they are hungry when we are out and about… I’ll usually have a rucksack with some water/juice boxes, sandwiches, apples, raisins, mini cheddars, cereal bars, banana etc. Far easier and cheaper than stopping constantly to buy stuff!

I still remember the felling in one National Trust place on a Sunday where I felt like shit and thought why have I put myself through this. It was so awful and I felt so miserable.

I do have fun with them, but I find small outings tend to be more fun.
We had a lovely afternoon at a new park with ice cream. We met up with friends for a drink. Small things work far better.

My autistic child has a habit of occasionally running off when we’re out if he gets upset or impatient. He will actually run off and hide! And he has a younger sister so I can’t chase very fast while holding her or pushing the buggy. After a couple of terrifying incidents it’s really put me off going out with the two of them alone, I feel like I need a 1:1 ratio.

This thread has made my day. Mine are 8 and 9 and it’s seemingly getting harder. DS is ND and always a total nightmare, but the options for days out when they were younger seemed more plentiful (farms, soft play etc). They used to just go to places without complaint beforehand, but now they’re so bloody opinionated about everything that it feels like a wartime negotiation process just to agree on somewhere to go 🙄

Oh, don't give open choice like this.

You're the adult so you have to set the parameters. You make kids anxious if the field is too open.

Would you like to go to soft play today or the park? Or even better, we're playing at home this morning then after lunch we'll go to the park.

Many parents want their kids to be happy so give too much choice, too much stimulation, too much everything. Your target should be healthy, safe and secure, not happy. Kids are involved in growing up, it is hard for them, they don't feel happy all the time, this is normal.

Also why not just say unicorns are never seen in real life? The unicorn obsession is mad, it has created all the Santa drama but year round. They're mythical, which means we can't see them. Don't feed the problem.

Snacks are normal. Provide healthy snacks like carrot sticks, cucumber and plain yogurt, let her help herself. It'll regulate.

My DS are 16 and 20yrs. After yet another crap day out as they were constantly snipping at each other, l asked them if they'd realised how little l had done with them this past year because as they are now grown l don't have to sort out childcare if l want to go out alone.

I have had years of ruined days out and I'm now focusing on me. Admittedly DS1 is ND which has added to the stress, but it's not all down to that.

Sorry, no advice but l feel your pain.

Hmm,
I'd do that conversation differently.
'To see unicorns'
Me: OK - we could go into London and see if there are any unicorns at Hamleys or Harrods. They pretend to be toys if you spot them but we could give it a go. Or we could go for a walk in the woods with some unicorn seed and try to feed them even if we don't get to see them.

I know loads of people disapprove of 'lying' like that but I just think of it as developing their imagination. (And giving myself an easy life)

snacks are key. Constant supply of snacks and be prepared to stop off for an ice cream / hot chocolate / delete according to weather

But I don’t think children should be endlessly snacking. If they eat a meal (and I make sure they’re filling and generous portions), there shouldn’t be an issue in waiting a few hours for the next one. I don’t want to carry a rucksack everywhere I go, or spend £4 a pop on a kids hot chocolate. Sorry to moan at what is a well intentioned suggestion but I find kids snacking culture to be a bit ridiculous now. My mum never carried snacks everywhere, we just ate breakfast lunch dinner.