18 yr old new drivers/ long distance

[Jennyjojo5]

My son and a group of 18 yr olds are planning to drive long distance (2.5/3 hours) this evening, for an event tomorrow.

the problem is that the two boys driving have only recently passed their test and I’m
very nervous about my 18 yr old getting in the car with them for this long journey, in the dark, along the motorway, when they are such inexperienced drivers, with a car full of their friends.

I’ve never been a particularly strict mum and never wrapped my kids in cotton wool but I’m genuinely very worried about letting him do this. They are all good kids but they are inexperienced drivers; one of them being a bit of a show off in general and can be a bit ‘silly’ (still a good kid, just immature).

AIBU if I tell him he can’t go? I’m so worried about the risk of the driving. Just to add, that although he would be upset with me, he would do as I told him to do (he’s a very nice young boy and we have an extremely close relationship). But at the same time I know I’ll feel guilt from stopping him going,

I’d like to hear the perspectives from other parents whose kids are the same age please.

It's probably too late now but Ive been with my recently passed 17 y old on a few 60 mile round trips on the motorway in the dark and the rain. Given him some tips and it's given him some good experience. Might be worth doing in the future?

@Jennyjojo5 awww you’re son is soo cute and considerate ! Even said sorry for taking him even thought your more than happy to take him because you’re happy he will be safe ! 🫶🙌

You must feel so relieved! My 18 yo son ended up driving himself and friends to an event 3 hours away on New Year’s Eve, returning on New Year’s Day and I strongly advised they catch a train but was met with resistance. I’m not a particularly anxious parent but I was holding my breath for two days and was so worried. I don’t think he especially enjoyed the trip and I doubt he will be in a hurry to repeat it, and I’m glad he was reliable and safe but I really would have preferred him to have caught the train!

Yes good idea, I’m gonna do this! It wasn’t him driving this time (was his mates; which may be why I was more concerned). He actually said to me he wouldn’t feel confident driving all that way if it was him driving (he passed his test about 6 months ago) so this is good advice and I’ll take him out on the motorway in the dark. Thank you !

@Daffodilapidated it’s such a worry isn’t it!

My 19 year old will take his test next week. I would feel as nervous as you. I guess we have to trust them to do the right and sensible thing and let them be young adults. It’s bloody hard not to want to keep them wrapped in cotton wool though

Well that's the scenario we're talking about, isn't it, dear? So using other people's expertise to back up a completely unrelated situation makes you look a bit... daft?

@Jennyjojo5 hope it goes well. I only passed my test on my late 30s and had to drive a lot on motorways within a few weeks of passing but I did Passplus with my instructor which really helped me. I do think it's good for them to get motorway experience but not with their friends- with an instructor or experienced mature driver.

@Wooloohooloo 100%! And in defo gonna do what you suggested, so thank you for that idea !

@RM2013 good luck to your son in his test! You

I would be so worried too but you can't stop him, you just have to trust him and hope he is so responsible

@Cas112 I trust him but don’t trust his friend who was driving only 2 weeks after passing the test.

also, if I’m quite honest, all these ‘you can’t stop him he’s 18’, in theory you’re all right. But he’s not the sort of boy where I would have to lock him up in his bedroom to stop him doing something like this 🤣that’s the benefit of having a super close relationship; you listen to each other’s perspectives, come to a compromise on things you feel particularly strong about. He’s also very young for his age and appreciates my guidance. Also, he has very high EQ and therefore takes other peoples feelings on things very seriously and understands their point of view.

Don’t be so ridiculous

Or maybe read the thread and understand the context of comments

I suppose it differs depending on the person. I passed my test on a Wednesday and did a similar length of trip on the Friday, returning Monday. My passenger was a non-driver, hadn't so much as taken one lesson, and it was fine.

My daughter was the first of her friend group to pass her test. I told her I didn't want anyone in the car with her (friend wise) until she'd had a couple weeks driving alone (no peers) locally. She passed end of August and has done some longer drives now but I've been completely freaked out each time she does a new long drive (would never let her know) but at least I know her and can anticipate her reactions to a certain extent. I'd be more worried once she travels in the car of.peers as they start to pass.

It's a worrying time and we need to let them know our concerns with a light hand so they listen and hopefully make a sensible choice.

Driving instructor here. The stats back you up, a huge 20% of new drivers have a serious accident in their first two hundred hours of driving. This increases in risk with multiple people in the car and the later it is. Think about insurance companies, they price exactly for these conditions with the black box late night curfew discount, I’ve even read two seaters aren’t as expensive as you’d think as it removes the risk of peer pressure.

I know at 18 he’s an adult but I would have your same worry. Fingers crossed on the train scenario.

However I do have some 17yo learners who are even more sensible than me, if that makes you feel better.

@Aliaolo
Were you 18?

In South Australia provisional licences last for 2 years, and in the first year the following rule applies:

"If you are under the age of 25 years, you must not drive:
◦ between midnight and 5am, or
◦ with more than one passenger aged 16 to 20 years (excluding immediate family members)
◦ unless a Qualified Supervising Driver is seated next to you or you meet the exemption criteriaa_."

There is a REASON for these rules. In their first year of driving there are a horrific number of deaths when teenage boys drive with their friends in the car.

A lot of places have similar rules. I think the UK are quite backward about not introducing these types of rules.

Agree

Your son sounds so lovely, and I understand your concerns.

I 100 per cent support this and wish we had it in the UK , makes so much sense to me.

You took the right approach. I’ve been driving for over 30 years, never had any kind of accident. At the beginning of December I drove to collect my son from uni, 150 miles there and same back the same day so I left early morning when it was still dark. Usually a very easy motorway journey.

the journey was probably the most terrifying I’ve ever had. There was very heavy rain most of the way, I’ve never seen so much standing water on the motorway. The advice across most of the country was not to travel unless absolutely necessary. Despite this, traffic was denser than expected presumably because everyone was driving slower. The spray from the heavies as I overtook them was awful. It stayed dark so late in the morning too. I had a massive headache from the stress of concentrating by the time I got there and was just pleased that I wasn’t one of 2 cars I saw who had had an accident going through basically a pond in the fast lane. They obviously didn’t see it till it was too late and must have aquaplaned or swerved to avoid or something because the accident crew were there and the lane was closed.

At one point on the journey back in daylight (still gloomy though) a HGV must have driven in a dip with a big puddle because literally it was like someone poured a massive bucket of water over the windscreen and despite the wipers being on the fastest setting I literally couldn’t see out the windscreen for a couple of seconds. Just had to hope for the best and pray!

I was shattered by the time we got home. It was a completely different experience to last year’s uni pick up when it was a crisp sunny day with no rain and the motorway was quiet - the drive was actually enjoyable.

So no matter what a driver’s experience is, some driving conditions on the motorway are simply more dangerous anyway, because of the weather, especially this time of year. There’s nothing you can do about the weather and you won’t know how it will be till the day. For a planned event it would have been difficult for boys that age to admit to their friends on the day “actually my experience isn’t good enough for driving in these conditions”.

YANBU especially after the recent tragedy in Wales. A car full of young males with no motorway experience makes me shudder especially if one of them has a tendency to show off.

My DD passed her test and then went straight to uni so whilst a competent driver hadn't had time to practise on a motorway. When she decided to take her car to uni I went as a passenger and then got the train home. My DH did the same when she came home at the end of term. DD drove the 200+ miles home on her own at Christmas and I had to keep myself busy until she was home safely. Probably not helped as my DH had a fairly recent serious car crash on one of the motorways that DD had to travel on. I know our YP are adults but as a parent their safety is always a priority.

@CurlyhairedAssassin So true. I visited my DD at uni beginning of December and due to flooding and torrential rain the 200 mile journey took me 6 hours. It was so stressful and I've been driving for 35 years.