To feel miffed I don’t have a broken foot

[Imayneedtoscreamintomypillow]

DH has a broken foot. He did it playing football. Everyone is rallying around, lots of empathy and concern. Lots of ‘how’s he doing?’ I’m looking after him and the two DC well. I’m also the main earner so have to keep my job going.

AIBU to wish I had a broken foot instead of my health issues (I am peri, getting massive issues with mood (on HRT) and am waiting for scans to check out a lump in my abdo that the GP found and am getting bad headaches and nausea regularly) that make me miserable (on the inside).

He is sitting around, rightly resting his foot, while I am running around. I made him so many cups of tea yesterday and I only managed to drink two half cups myself. I barely sat down. I’ve so much to do and feel so exhausted and have a long commute to work on Monday to job that stresses me out and demands so much.

Have had to arrange childcare that DH would usually do (he can’t drive so having to do all of the stuff that involves driving) and take over all his domestic tasks (he’s the SAHP).

He is in this situation because he has his hobby. I don’t. I was just starting to get a life for me back (having realised I tend to put others first and forget about me) and now I’m too tired to do what brings me joy.

He’s lapping up the attention. Loving it! almost childlike glee at all this attention which is just bleurgh.

I know it’s temporary while he heals but I just needed to moan. My health issues get me down and I’m often in pain or discomfort. I usually don’t say anything. Because his injury is very clear to see he has offers of help coming from everywhere (for when I’m at work) but actually isn’t in too much pain. Just needs to keep it elevated for a while.

I’m feeling a bit invisible. AIBU?

Apologies if this has already been mentioned, but do him a flask of hot water, a pint of milk in a cool bag and a couple of mugs, et voilà he can make his own tea throughout the day!

Can you harness all of those sympathetic outpourings of support for lifts and to replace what he can’t do?

I hear you though it’s hard when one of a team is down. If I’m honest my DH does the lion’s share but for various random health reasons has been somewhat out of commission since the summer.

My bigger advice is to let things slide and let it wait for him.

I make a point of doing all the jobs in the front of the house. To the point where one of my elderly neighbours told his son, who told my mate, that:"that woman's always doing things to that house. Don't know what the husband does. "

Erm, that will be all the cooking and kitchen stuff... at the back of the house!

Get a grip...ive broke a foot. it's hard. he's your DH, it's short term.

FluffyChemical pointed out several good ways that your husband could do to help and he ought to be helping you. But he's a man and when they have anything wrong with them they have to exaggerate and make it seem far worse than it is. But I did read something you said earlier, .... " It’s the carrying the hot tea on crutches and the need to keep it elevated as much as possible that is leading to me doing it all. Which I don’t mind really"..... Huh? Which I don't mind really? So what is all the fuss about and the rant?? If you don't mind really, get on with it otherwise tell him to get off his arse and start helping. Give him a daily list of things you'd like him to do while you're at work if need be.

It’s not about tea….

You are right. I think I said it earlier. It’s not the tea, the cooking, cleaning etc. it’s not about the foot. It’s about the invisibility. My health issues are invisible. I don’t moan about them (no point - they are constant and unchanging and nothing anyone can do) and I just get on with it. If I had broken foot I’d be getting lots of support. I’m feeling invisible and like my needs don’t count.

I feel for you. Just because your husband can’t move around, it doesn’t mean he can’t make a phone call to help sort out childcare for your children? Encourage him to hobble around after the first week or so and explain to him how you feel, he might be more understanding than you think? I feel for you as it sounds as though you are run ragged. Wishing you all the best

Give him a flask of hot water, tea bag, coffee milk whatever and let him get on with it. It has always driven me mad, the way that men are fawned over when they are sick/injured yet women just have to get on with it. Grrr

OP, I’m really sorry that you are feeling this way, it sounds incredibly frustrating and isolating. I’m doubly sorry that the real crux of this issue has also been continuously overlooked in people’s responses, which are obviously well meaning and helpful on a practical level, but have possibly left you feeling more frustrated.
Have you spoken to your GP about your mood? You may be able to access some talking therapies on the NHS or they might be able to signpost to support groups to speak with others in similar health situations, that can be really helpful.
Sounds like you have a couple of really good friends you can talk to, maybe need to book in an urgent catch up with them so you can have a proper rant and get it all out.
Are you able to speak to DH about any of this? Sounds like he may be oblivious to how you are feeling and it might help you if you can talk it through with him.

No you aren’t being unreasonable! He’s delighted to be pampered! (Who wouldn’t be? But women typically end up doing more - and of COURSE, some women marry men who do as much as they do or more- but in reality, we know that isn’t the usual case).

Give yourself a break - if you make him a cup of tea, make yourself one. When he’s better, take up a hobby - ignore any of his objections!

And put childcare in place QUICKLY before you end up resenting him and your life too much to put it back together! (Speaking from experience!)

Go back to the doctor and DEMAND help/a different HRT. You’re not being unreasonable, you’re being forced to do too much! Please ensure it’s a TEMPORARY situation, for your own sanity and work life balance! Good luck!

OP, I'm so sorry, that's a shit situation for you to be in. I'm sorry for your partner too, but this is a self-inflicted injury done while he was enjoying himself so I wouldn't be sparing him THAT much sympathy! Try having a heart-to-heart talk with him about how workload and domesticity generally is divided (but you have to frame it so he doesn't just look incredulous and point at his bloody foot! you mean before and after his injury, of course). It's crap that we still have to have these sorts of discussions.

Right now, you can stop running around after him. He's a grown adult, not a fractious baby who needs a feed NOW. He can wait and remember he's an adult and doesn't need special treatment. A flask is an excellent idea - so is giving him his own drinks station (if that's safe with children around) with a little kettle and whatever he needs, right by his side. I'm sure his physio would like him to start mobilising really soon though, so encourage his independence....

A good friend of mine has a partner who has broken his bloody foot TWICE playing football! I would be losing patience with him by then. They have a largeish family and lots of extra-curricular commitments, he works at home but she has a long commute to her FT job ... and when he's laid up, she basically has an extra child to look after until he's able to hobble round on crutches. It really makes me cross for her, though I know he tries hard to do things for himself as soon as he's able. But she is SO busy and SO tired.

I am a single mum, I broke my foot and was off my feet with no one to help me, I managed to get help getting the kids to school with lifts but I was left alone nearly every day to fend for myself. I didn’t carry tea around I made tea and sat on a chair in the kitchen by the kettle to drink it, I made snacks and a bottle of water put them in a bag and hobbled to my sofa on my crutches, swinging bag of snacks swinging, crying and miserable but I did it. Every now and then someone would pop by and I’d ask them to do a specific task for me but 90% of the time I was completely alone. He will have to adapt, I’m sure he can manage to do more for himself! You need to prioritise your own health and make sure you drink some water! If we don’t put our boundaries in and say no, our body says it for us. So please look after yourself and find time for you, it’s very annoying that his hobby has made it so he is completely overshadowing your health concerns. I feel your frustration! Hopefully all your tests come back ok and you can use this experience to start prioritising you. 🫶🏻

@Imayneedtoscreamintomypillow When was the last time you laid out for your partner all of your DAILY medical struggles & when was the last time he held you & said I’ve got you & understand?
In that situation you can not expect him to be a mind reader so if he doesn’t know he can’t support you.
On the flip side if he does know of your DAILY struggles & is not supporting you I’d be blowing my top & pulling him up on he asshat behaviour!

Your headache & sickness are menopause related. You need to get those hormones balanced to help with those symptoms.
I developed these issues when they used meds to stop my monthlies as an experiment to deal with severe periods. 4 months of prostap injections & I was on the verge of ending everything & everyone & wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
It wasn’t a permanent situation for me BUT it has me concerned for when I do go into menopause mode, I’m 45 now, as that isn't something that is necessarily a million miles away for me!

It sounds shit OP. I'm on crutches all the time and in a lot of pain- dh works on the other side of the world frequently. I have to do everything and sometimes it's daunting but that's life.

I get what you mean about feeling invisible. I'm very much the default and therefore I feel like nothing I do is ever noticed until I don't do it. Especially any decision making / planning / remembering and the mental load is beyond exhausting and tedious tbh.

You are right in many ways, but do not wish physical trauma upon yourself. Broken bones can be horrendous. I broke my hip and shoulder and hip has metal plate and screws and still not healed and hurts 1.5 yrs later! Different from a foot in an active younger person though.
Do you have a office type wheeled chair in the house? Get him to sit on that and then he can move about the kitchen/ front room to help with cooking, cleaning etc. He will be fine soon but in the meantime he can move the rest of his body! He can walk with a crutch indoors surely, and has he a medical boot?

nope your right he can make his own tea with a busted foot he’s got two!!